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This is the first piece I have ever written for HumbleDollar, because frankly I don’t have much financial nous to preach – particularly to a congregation that I assume to be, on average, better off than I.
I’m here with a question, not a pearl of wisdom, and I’m asking out of genuine curiosity.
Both my net worth and my retirement savings are around the 80th percentile for Americans. That’s way higher than I ever expected to be, given that my first career, TV news, is known for low pay, and I was dead broke at 37. I was fortunate to rescue myself financially by finding a lucrative niche in public relations, by buying primary homes that exploded in resale value, and by not screwing up too badly in the stock market.
But I also credit a decision I made at the early age of 12… that I never, ever wanted to be a parent.
I knew deep down that I’d be a dad just like mine – impatient, intimidating, angry, stressed. I knew I wouldn’t enjoy fatherhood, and I knew I’d make offspring miserable, so I had the wisdom to cross off the idea before my Bar Mitzvah.
I have never regretted it for an instant. It cost me relationships in my 20s and 30s with women who naturally wanted kids, but in retrospect I wasn’t mature enough for marriage then anyway. (My wife thinks it’s still an open question as I circle the big 7-0.)
I have also, of course, massively benefited financially. My grocery cart was always eligible for the 15 Items Or Less lane. I never spent a dime on private schools, dance lessons, hockey skates or soccer tournament fees. The massive expenditures faced by most parents for day care and college were absent from my budget. And the most difficult circumstances of parenthood I’ve seen in friends’ families – counseling, drug rehab, legal fees, medical bills, launch failure “boomerang” – passed me by.
Such calculations are now a major issue in our society. The most recent annual American Family Survey found 70% of respondents saying that raising children is too expensive to handle. Another published survey found 43% of Gen Zs and Millenials opting out of parenthood for financial reasons, and yet another (Pew Research) found 36% of childless Americans planning to stay that way because they can’t afford a child.
So, parents on this forum, what say you? Strictly on a financial basis, do you have any regrets about reproducing? Do you ever look back at what you spent on your kids and wonder what your life would have been like had you made a different decision?
Since we are just looking at the effect of economics on the decision to have children, we early Baby Boomers faced much lower expenses than folks do today. In 1973 when our first one was born, our health insurance didn’t even cover the expense. I think our family doctor (not an OB/GYN) charged $250 and the hospital was less than $1000 including a 3 day stay for my wife.
Since my wife didn’t work, we never had to pay for child care. Our 2500 SF home cost $99k. We didn’t have to pay for cell phones, personal computers, etc. When the first child went to university, the tuition was around $8k for four years. Everything was much less expensive than today!
None of the things we used with our children, from cribs, to strollers, to car seats, to clothing, would be considered safe for use with children today. And all of the newer stuff is much more expensive.
I can’t step into the shoes of someone who has to live in our economy today. But, there will be a profound cost in late retirement for all of the childless. Institutional care provided to older folks must be monitored by someone in the family to assure that the elder gets the care they have been promised. I will be 80 this year and I am very happy that we were able to afford bringing children into the world.
The blanket assumption that the childless will be neglected in their final years is by no means necessarily valid. Many of the seniors to whom I deliver Meals on Wheels are without children, either because they didn’t have them or because the kids have bailed out, but many have friends or other relatives to fall back on — folks who can serve in the role you describe even if they are not biological offspring.
For myself, I had the profound wisdom to marry a much younger woman, who against all odds still appears to like me a bit. So I think I will be OK.
Perhaps an equally “intriguing” article would be to discuss the idea of children in the role as caretakers of elderly parents.
In our retirement community, there are examples of every possible living situation imaginable. There are adult children living with their parents. There are married couples, unmarried couples, partnerships and households where two friends live together as a way to help keep their expenses down.
To a large extent, most people in our community don’t rely that heavily on family members to help them out. Instead, they rely on the network of friends and neighbors who–in general–are happy to look after one another.
That would indeed be a terrific article idea, Kristine, especially since financial planning for elder care is top of mind for many still-working couples.
My own household is a dream situation for an elderly person. Mama (my MIL) is the center of attention for both her daughters and her son-in-law. Even the dog listens to her.
The blanket assumption that the childless will be neglected in their final years is by no means necessarily valid. Many of the seniors to whom I deliver Meals on Wheels are without children, either because they didn’t have them or because the kids have bailed out, but many have friends or other relatives to fall back on.
For myself, I had the profound wisdom to marry a much younger woman, who against all odds still appears to like me a bit. Shall I think I will be OK.
When I was a child the only child-restraint system consisted of my mom throwing her right arm over me when she hit the brakes.
In our retirement community there is a pretty good network of folks who look after each other. Residents who don’t have children (or children that live far away) can request help with various chores they can no longer perform.
Thanks for the nicely written, insightful article. You elicited a lot of responses on the joys embedded in contributing to nurturing family—your definition of family is just spread wider than most. Sacrifices for school expenses and trying to be a good example helps a lot of us.
I probably have a semi-unique perspective on this topic.
When I was twenty years old, I had an unplanned pregnancy. I had just finished my second year of (community) college and had absolutely no idea what I wanted to do with the rest of my life.
I was still living with my parents and was planning on attending a public university in a different city to finish my BS degree.
Financially, I had nothing. I had no car, no job, no apartment or house of my own. I was living off the Pell grants and scholarships I had through my college financial aid package. The father of the child was also in college and made it clear he wasn’t in favor of me continuing the pregnancy.
In the end, I placed my birth-daughter in an open adoption–one in which I got to stay in contact with her and be able to be a (small) part of her life.
So yes, finances definitely played a role in my decision to not become a parent. I suspect there were government resources I could have drawn on had I decided to become a single parent. But I didn’t feel like it would have provided my daughter with the type of life I would have hoped she could have.
Kristine, I was adopted as an infant. I’ve never had any contact with my birth parents, though my mom told me they were good people, who just could not care for another child. I’ve had a great life.
Thanks for sharing that Dan.
When I placed my daughter for adoption it was 1988 and open adoptions were a relatively new thing. There weren’t very many adoptive parents who were comfortable with the idea of a birth parent remaining a part of their child’s life.
Placing my daughter for adoption was the most difficult thing I have ever done in my life. I can’t imagine making a more difficult decision. But she’s grown up to be an accomplished woman, a loving wife and a terrific mother to THREE children herself.
And, if anyone was wondering, she has ALWAYS loved dogs–even as a very young child. The dog-lover gene is a strong one…
Given your story, do you also get to be a grandmother? That would be wonderful
Given your story, do you also get to be a grandmother? That would be wonderful I should think.
To answer your question in a single word: NO.
I have 4 adult children, immensely love every one of them AND our 6 grandchildren. All 10 of these wonderful human beings have brought immense joy and happiness to both my and my wife’s lives. ** Both of us know that raising the next generation of human beings is the most important thing in life. ** It has never been about money, we just have always lived within our means, affording and spending accordingly.
I raised 3 of my 4 children (my 2nd marriage), they all are college graduates and are happy, healthy and successful. Our youngest daughter’s 25 year marriage ended last year at her age of 50 (luckily she never really wanted to have children). Life happens, you just do the best you can. I also realize that my wife (of 56 years) and I have been very fortunate because we both were raised in happy middle-class homes, received good educations and had good career opportunities (largely because of the era we were born in and are both decedents of America’s original European settlers).
Your first post is thought provoking, Mike.
There are those who prefer to not have children and others who want to but are worried whether they can afford to do so. For this latter group, some articles emphasize the costs and they are significant. But they omit or gloss over the upsides to having children; the non financial returns from the investment, if you will. They might benefit more from advice on personal finance and to prioritize completing their education or training and getting a good job before having kids.
We may have less today than if we had not had children, but we have enough. Our kids and grandkids are the single greatest source of joy in our lives. The trade off was definitely worth it for us, and I suspect for many others too.
👍
If we avoid all resistance or pain, we can miss out on experiencing the joys that come through those same difficulties (spoken to myself a true risk averse person)
Though finance was not a criteria used for having OUR children, it did crossed my mind recently. My 2 kids are late teens and as they grow older, I regret not having more kids. During our last trip, as our family of 4 settled in our 4 seats on a train, the thought that if we had 3 kids, we probably couldn’t travel as comfortably as we did. I love taking my kids abroad to expand their perspectives and mind. A family of 5 would required an extra hotel room, bigger car rental or extra taxi, and probably not the nice train seats that we were in. I think having children made us more thoughtful of our finances, and we would have made it work whether we were a family of 5 or 8. However, last summer was the first time that I consider the stress of finance in relations with more children. So… I now patiently wait for grandchildren and for my portfolio to grow and afford a 10+ people on vacation abroad.
May your family be fruitful and multiply, Cindy!
I never considered a family to be a financial decision! Personal relationships have very little to do with money or careers, based on my life experience.
I turned 12 in 1969. Life was good. The Detroit Tigers were world champs and The Beatles were still making albums. Getting through 6th grade was my focus and whatever mom served for dinner.
10 years later I started dating Renee, one of 10 kids, and Catholic.
Flash forward 47 years, 3 sons and 6 grandkids.
After reading Mike’s post, with his early experience, I feel blessed to have been exposed to loving families from the start.
Thank you everyone for your thoughtful and oft-detailed responses — it was surprising and delightful to roll out of bed and discover such an extensive spectrum of reactions to my somewhat unconventional post. Even the one or two judgemental comments added a rich color to the picture y’all have painted for me. Much appreciated.
I will admit to being surprised that not one person expressed regrets about parenthood, a sentiment I have heard more than once in my own circle of family and friends. I’m glad the consensus here is so universally positive.
I should mention that I have not completely missed out on the pleasures of family. When my wife and I got her family out of China, the package came with a young nephew whose life I’ve been able to positively impact as he adjusted (brilliantly) to life in America. And I’m extremely close with two of my Israeli cousin’s five kids, both now in their 20s. So I do get lots of warm fuzzies out of being Uncle Mike.
Being an uncle might be the best of both worlds. Being involved and sharing their and your life with one another, but being able to step away if and when you want or need to.
My sister chose not to have children for a variety of reasons, but she was the best and most involved Aunt that you could imagine. She never lacked in experiencing the joy of family and being involved in her nieces and nephews lives.
Mike, I didn’t realize that you have never authored a post. You sure picked a doozy for your first effort. Thanks for this very personal story.
Bravo for knowing yourself, and for having the backbone to stick with your decision to not father children. By sacrificing a few relationships, you probably preserved your long term happiness as well as that of the other parties. Parenthood isn’t for everyone.
My first marriage was never great, but we got pregnant anyway. Our second baby was not planned. Still, even with this underwhelming endorsement for procreation, I have no regrets whatsoever. Somehow we raised two extraordinary daughters, who are now in rock solid marriages, and have given me seven very cool grands.
Yes, there is a negative financial impact, but for me, the money was well spent. I mean, talk about using money to buy experiences….
Thank you, Dan. Of all the responses here, I think perhaps yours captured my thought process the most accurately.
IMO, whether to have children or not should not be a financial decision. If you and your spouse want to have children, you will find a way to afford them. It is not about the money.
Agree Jerry but only to a point. As someone whose middle class family of origin had 7 kids I’d have to say that’s just not possible today. The numbers just don’t work. But yes, at some level you can find find a way to pull it off.
Thanks, Mike, for this welcome first post.
You didn’t ask, but I will answer as a childless reader. I don’t have regrets either. I knew from an early age that parenting did not interest me. Over several decades, others patiently tried to dissuade me. “Oh, you’ll change…” I don’t think I would have been a good parent, but I seem to have been a good mentor. My choice of an academic career continuously provided the opportunity to interact meaningfully with young people.
Jo Bo, me too. “Oh, you’ll change your mind” became one of my least favorite sentences for years. I finally learned to laugh about it.
None.
Mike, another thing I thought of reading your article……
Around the globe (not just the US or other western countries), fertility rates are dropping. In fact, they have been for centuries. So more and more people are making the choice to have zero or one kid, and fewer are having 2 or more kids. So the choice to not have kids, whilst previously seen as out of the ordinary, is becoming more and more common all the time.
Your comment brings to mind that families once sought to have more children for financial reasons, rather than less, because those extra hands helped the family economy in farming, fishing or other endeavors. That was true for the community as well, and is still true today, as more people mean more folks to supply needed labor.
That may have been true when there was no age restriction on child labor, although I’ve never seen a cost-benefit analysis. Until recently, single women, shut out of most job opportunities, lived extremely precarious lives. Once married, there was no reliable birth control.
With a smaller population, fewer people would be needed, but the issue may be moot if AI and robots take off.
“Until recently?” Based on my experience in the workforce that discrimination pretty much ended 25 years ago when an effort started to push the opportunities and advancement for women.
Twenty five years ago is recent. Very recent. I’ve been retired that long.
c. 500,000 years ago: Emergence of homo sapiens
c. 11,700 years ago: Agricultural Revolution and settled communities
c. 250 years ago: First Industrial Revolution
1960: Birth control pill approved by FDA
Mike, thanks for you interesting and honest post.
Personally, we went through 10 rounds of IVF, all of which were unsuccessful. We then formed a family via permanent care, which is basically permanent, long term foster care. Our two daughters are now healthy, independent young adults. Raising them has been a difficult, challenging, wonderful experience and one that we have zero regrets about.
I feel quite proud that we were able to raise our 2 daughters and build a really good financial base. Might we have had more without raising kids? Probably, but it’s just not a question that we even consider.
On the flip side, we recently had dinner with two friends, a married couple our age, with all of us celebrating our 25th wedding anniversary. They have never had kids (or pets!) and lead a very different life to us, but clearly feel very comfortable with their choices in life. Each to their own.
No pets? Horrifying! ;-))
I have friends like yours. They classify themselves as DINNs.
Double Income, No Nuthin’.
I read this and then reread to be sure I didn’t misread. If I wrote here what I am actually thinking I would be banned from HD.
When I got out of the army in 1969, I was 26 and married less than a year. I returned to my clerk job in a company where I worked nearly fifty years.
We then proceeded to have four children in five years. Nineteen years later we started paying for 1,2 or 3 children in college for ten years in a row.
My wife didn’t work outside the home from the time our first child was born. We made do.
Never once did finances in relation to children ever come up in discussion.
Now we have 11 grandchildren and no regrets, no sense of missing out on anything, but without those children and grandchildren our lives would be far less fulfilling and empty.
A very personal decision for sure and if a couple is concerned about the consequences of children, they probably should defer. However, I don’t see it as a financial decision. If my parents saw it that way, I wouldn’t be here.
Dick, this is a great example of everyone having a different view. Mike noted that his choice to have kids wasn’t about money, it was about the father that he thought he would be, and how that would affect his potential kids.
Being a parent is a massive commitment. If you don’t feel like it’s for you, then not having kids seems like a good decision.
I also greatly respect that Mike wrote “I’m here with a question, not a pearl of wisdom, and I’m asking out of genuine curiosity.”
Greg, thank you for this compassionate response. I probably should have mentioned that, although you don’t really know what anything costs at age 12 (kids were pretty naive 60 years ago), I was dimly aware that much of the crippling tension in my household was due to financial pressure. My dad was angry at finding himself 29 years old with three kids, a mortgage and a struggling career, and we all suffered for that.
The article was titled Financial regrets about parenthood? I’m pretty sure it was about money as well as a somewhat trauma driven psychological issue.
Yes, everyone has a different view for different reasons. As I said, people with this view probably should defer on chikdren.
Mike, thanks for posting. I’ve enjoyed your comments for years!
When we married, Sharon had just turned 34 and I was 37. Neither of us had come close to marriage before. We had both been advised in our early 20s that we’d never have children, and married with that assumption.
Seven years later, while working together in the same physical therapy clinic with several other very fertile young women, Sharon said she wanted to try. She got pregnant right away, miscarried, but then got pregnant again with our daughter within a few months. That was a little over 20 years ago.
I’ve never regretted it. On the parenting side, we attacked the problem with education, prayers and resolve. We wanted to be the best. We’ve fallen far short of the mark, but I think we’ve been better than if we’d just left our family’s life to chance.
Financially, our net worth is probably less than it would have been–but maybe not. I had planned to retire earlier, and the additional years I worked and saved have boosted our wealth considerably. On the other hand, Sharon’s income was greatly reduced after our daughter’s birth. But she may have cut her hours anyway. Then there’s the motivation of providing for a family and so forth. Comparing scenarios might be an interesting problem to work on,,,maybe someone will grab that idea and treat us to an article!
Meanwhile, Sharon is retired, and my retirement is essentially set, because we never sacrificed our retirement for our daughter. We drove old vehicles, I did home repair myself, most of our food is prepared at home, vacations were frugal–the list goes on. We cut our lifestyle, but not our retirement contributions. Our daughter grew up in a frugal household, and is by nature more frugal than us.
“We’ve fallen far short of the mark” – just how every parent feels, at least some of the time. But somehow it can still work out ok.
Glad it all worked out for you.
Yikes! Dear G-d, no. Kids aren’t that expensive anyway, don’t believe the hype. Look up Africa’s birthrates. The poorest countries in the world in sub-saharan Africa have the most kids. You don’t need money to have kids.
I have millions of dollars and it all means nothing without my kids.
You can find (and maybe they’re here on this forum) people with millions and millions (maybe billions) of dollars, more than they ever dreamed or what most people could dream of. But they don’t have the one thing they want: grandkids.
Ben, Mike’s decision not to have kids wasn’t about money, it was about the sort of father he thought he would be.
I know that it’s commonplace to say that people aren’t having kids because of cost of living pressures, but global fertility rates have been dropping for centuries. And all the data shows that fertility rates are actually lower in wealthier countries. The choice to have kids, or not, is a very personal one. And the global data shows that it really doesn’t come down to “can we afford this”.
Up vote from me for your comment: “I have millions of dollars and it all means nothing without my kids.”
We wanted to have a child, but it wasn’t easy. We had to go through IVF (in-vitro fertilization) multiple times. We had gotten to the point where it was our last attempt – it either worked or we got a dog 🙂
It did work, however, and I’m glad. Yes, we’re lucky, our daughter is currently in college and is just a nice human being. We never had any major issues to deal with, just the usual (mostly middle school) kid stuff.
We certainly have no regrets, but I also think we’d have been happy not having kids – it wasn’t something we felt we had to do. Would things have been different financially? Sure, but not that different. I remember daycare cost a total of $65k or so. College is just over $90k so far. We’d probably have spent a lot of that on more vacations or nicer cars if we’d been childless, but I think we’d have spent it either way.
We have friends our age whose kids have basically failed to launch. Does that make a difference to how they feel about their kids? Probably not, but it’s definitely more of a financial hit.
I respect people’s decision to not have kids, whether based on their own upbringing, financial choices, or otherwise. As long as they feel they made the right choice, that’s all that matters.
Well, I’ll admit that parenting was costly. Costly in dollars and in time. I didn’t marry until the age of 30 and I married because I wanted children. I couldn’t see any other reason for making that commitment and from a financial perspective I viewed cohabitation as the smarter choice, if children were not to be.
I was fortunate and that marriage yielded two children. They occupied an incredible amount of my time and resources. As an involved parent my life expanded in many ways. For example, I learned to backpack and canoe in the wilderness because they wanted to do that. Then I became a youth group leader and coach. There were sports and band and orchestra. I learned to sail and taught them.
Frankly, being a parent gave my life a focus and meaning that would not otherwise have occurred. Was it difficult? Yes, at times it was incredibly difficult. Juggling my career and business was difficult. Was having children financially costly? Yes, and college was very expensive. But today the children are completely independent, have incredible careers, are in committed relationships and I have a grandchild.
I read that younger people want to live a life of experiences. That’s what having children was like for me.
I do understand that marriage or a committed relationship, and having children isn’t for everyone. There are different vocations in life.
I really like you, Norm!
I think you are a very wise person.
Dave (81 years old)
Thank you for that perspective, Norm. I’m aware that I missed out on what many people would consider the richest and most desirable experiences that come with parenthood, and I’m sure that as you look back on your life, it’s those experiences that you savor most. My grandparents certainly did, and they couldn’t have imagined life without their children and grandchildren.
But it was my grandmother, who devoted her entire life to children (she was the co-founder of Head Start), who was the first adult not to try to talk me out of my decision or tell me that I would change my mind later. She looked me in the eye and said, “I understand.” And that was crucially validating for teenaged me.
Great first post, Mike! Do my wife and I have any regrets about having children (and now, grandchildren)? Not at all! Perhaps we weren’t fully ready to be parents in our early 20’s, but children are very forgiving of their parents’ mistakes, especially in those earliest years. While sometimes the additional expenses of children were not welcome, we never regretted being parents. Over the years, we truly enjoyed life through family activities, traveling and vacations, and the active involvement our children had in school activities such as music, speech, drama, and athletics including cross country, football, wrestling, track, baseball, and soccer. My career was as a school administrator, and as a high school principal, attending those events as a parent brought about a different type of interaction and relationship with other students’ parents, and certainly expanded our knowledge of others. Thankful for all the enhancements we experienced as a result of being parents!
Sorry but I found your post a bit on the sad side. There is nothing more rewarding than raising children.
Judging what I see on the news in many cases not becoming a parent would have save many children torment, and in some cases an untimely death.
I once heard this quote, “Just because you are capable of creating a child doesn’t mean you are capable of being a parent.”
Rewarding for most people, but not all. And obviously Mike grew up in an environment where that was not the case and he did not want to risk that being repeated.
Doug, you understand.
Mike,
Let me be the first to applaud you on a great post.
As to the question, both my wife and I are thrilled that we became parents. We had two three years apart and stopped. We didn’t want to have an only child when we were gone. Talking about advanced planning. We very much enjoyed seeing our children grow up to be productive citizens. There were some trying times like when our son was not into school work, or when my daughter’s marriage broke up freer only a few years. Because we had children in the school system we were engaged in our community, less so once we moved to a new ton nine years ago for retirement.
As to the financial portion of your question both my wife and I had steady employment in the physical therapy field, but our income would be considered middle middle class if you know what I mean. We had to watch our money due to the expenses of raising children but we were able to buy houses that we loved and buy vehicles when needed. Our children were able to participate in activities without restrictions. We did not go on extravagant vacations but that’s not our style.
As to retirement we lived within our means and learned to pay ourselves first. We saved enough for retirement to most likely have a comfortable retirement. I state it like that because a few years before retirement we inherited some totally unplanned money from my parents. This most likely will “guarantee” a
very comfortable retirement with a lot of travel, so we really won’t know what the true cost of raising our children would have been on our retirement without the inheritance. What I can say is that we immensely enjoy spending time with our children as adults now.
What we would really like to find out is how expensive having grandchildren is, but alas nothing yet. 😢
David, grandkids are just as expensive as your kids lol
Yes, they are but at a time when we (most) are better able to afford them! lol
Ooh… straight in with a touchy one for your first post. Look, on a personal level I’ll admit there have been occasional moments of regret around the antics of one of my daughters, but financially? Absolutely zero regrets. I haven’t given it a second’s thought, honestly.
And on your other point about analysing whether we could afford kids, we never did that. We just did it. Figuratively and metaphorically.
I’ve been through some serious, dark, despairing times with one of my children, genuinely serious, but even with all of that, my life has been enriched beyond measure. The richness that my children, and now my grandchildren, have brought to my life? Extra cash would be a pretty poor substitute for that.
Thanks for stepping up and starting with such an open and honest question with personal details.
Everyone is different, and it is good to know what you can and can not handle. Bringing up new humans in this world is not an easy task. It can sometimes drive you crazy. And it is expensive.
I too have similar tendencies of being impatient, intimidating, angry, and stressed before and after having children. But I can say that I personally have grown as a person because of having children, and most of those attributes have mellowed.
To answer, strictly financially, I have to say what I value most. For me, my wife and children (and now grandchildren) are the things I value the most in life. I think most people get great rewards from interpersonal relationships, and for me these family ones are the most important.
So speaking strictly financially, any net worth I may have lessened by investing financially in my family, was well worth the gains I have received interpersonally.
That’s a fantastic response.
To me, “bringing up new humans in this world” as you put it is the greatest responsibility a person can accept, and it should be done only if you are wholehearted about it. And I wasn’t, and knew I never would be, so I considered it the responsible decision to demur.
My query, however, was about the financial consequences of parenthood and whether they were worth it, and you answered that question beautifully.
“But I can say that I personally have grown as a person because of having children”
Doug, those are very insightful words.