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A Pew Research Center study (here) found that 23% of 50-year-olds in the United States have never had children.
As a 57-year-old who chose not to raise a child, I wonder how others feel about how this lifestyle choice has, or hasn’t, changed their retirement plans.
For myself, choosing to remain childless allowed me to save more of my salary than would have been possible if I had chosen to raise a family. I’ve seen online articles that suggest it costs nearly $250K to raise a child from infancy to adulthood.
I suspect many childless adults wonder who will care for them as they age. Living in a 55+ community makes me realize how common it is for adult children to care for their aging parents. Within a block of where we live, there are at least three households where adult children are currently living with an adult parent.
Not having children means not needing to worry about leaving a ‘legacy’ behind when I die. I can feel free to leave any money I might have to a charity of my choice or perhaps to any dogs I might own at the time of my passing.
Do people rely too heavily on their children to care for them as they age?
An interesting article on this topic showed up this morning on CNBC: https://www.cnbc.com/2024/09/10/dinks-young-adults-are-opting-out-of-parenthood-money-is-a-top-reason.html
I simply can’t put a “price tag” on how much joy and happiness my children have provided me.
Now that they’re all adults they are a pleasure to be with.
And all my grandchildren are pure joy.
I don’t care how much money I “lost” having my kids.
No amount of dollars could make up for my feelings.
I DO understand that other people may not feel the same way that I do.
An interesting article about having children and your wealth.
https://www.aesinternational.com/blog/the-surprising-truth-children-likely-increase-your-wealth?ref=andrewhallam.com
Thanks for sharing that. I just did a quick read of it and a couple of things stand out.
First, the amount of money saved in every case that’s mentioned seems a bit high to me. Couples with children still in the house had an average of $450K saved?
Second, it specifically mentions ‘teachers working oversees’ and ‘international educators’. I don’t know much about these types of jobs (or what level of education they instruct), but it seems like it’s a pretty specific group of folks. Are these university professors? Are they teachers who are contracted to teach overseas and perhaps have their housing and other expenses paid for?
I’d just like to see a few more details about the groups that were studied.
I’ve read several of the author’s books. He is Canadian and was a teacher overseas before retiring at a young age. Sorry, I should have mentioned the type of teachers he was referring to and not necessarily applicable to you or a specific reader on HD.
Thanks for providing the details about the author. I wonder if teaching overseas is a particularly lucrative career? I don’t know anything about it but I would suspect, depending on the location and the employer, it could be an excellent way to make a living.
It looks like he’s written quite a few personal finance books and they all seem to get very high ratings on Amazon.
I’m also skeptical about an article on a financial advisor’s website that provided no information about its methodology except for its sample size.
It does seem like it might be a study designed with a preconceived result in mind…
kristine,
for me the best parts of having children are my grandchildren.
Pets are nice … but not the same.
Grandchildren are the utopia of life.
Living in a 55+ community, I see LOTS of doting grandparents every day. It’s wonderful to see.
I would never argue that dogs (or any pet) are equivalent to humans. That said, dogs are quite capable of showing many emotions and providing great joy to their human companions.
I agree with that. When I go to my daughters I look forward to seeing her black lab right after her and the grandchildren.
I have trained him to get his treat ball as soon as he sees me. The other day we were on the phone with my daughter and Chatham (the Lab named after Chatham, Mass) heard my voice and brought the ball to the phone.
The ability of dog’s to understand human emotions and language is just now beginning to be researched. When I was in college, 35 years ago, I wanted nothing more than to study dogs. But nobody in the academic world thought dogs (or any domesticated animal) were worth studying.
Now there are many dog labs throughout the world. The amount of research being done on their cognitive abilities is staggering. I suspect if I were in college now, I’d be pursuing a PhD in some type of canine behavior laboratory.
Your comment could have done without the last sentence given that you are responding to a dog lover.
As the saying goes, “The reason grandparents and grandchildren get on so well is because they have a common enemy.”
This post has fascinated me since I first read it five days ago.
Certainly there are valid personal reasons why an individual or couple would choose not to have children.
What I can’t understand is money being one of those reasons. I can’t see a 20 or 30 something looking at their life and deciding it’s too expensive, too financially limiting to have children.
If money was a serious consideration to having children, the population of the planet would probably be just Adam and Eve.
The scary number of $300,000 or so to raise a child is no more valid than a similar amount claimed to be health care costs in retirement – they are both accumulated over decades.
Money has played a significant role in family size for many years. The average number of children in the US in 1800 was 7.04 which no doubt reflected the fact that children contributed to a family’s economic well-being at a young age (childhood mortality was also much higher). During the great depression, average family size decreased from 3.17 in 1920 to 2.22 in 1940, after which it steadily recovered to a peak of 3.62 in 1960. Average family size in 1980 was 1.84 in 1980 versus 1.66 in 2021 even though the cost of raising children has continued to grow over the past 40 years.
An article in today’s NY Times says that 45% of parents with children under 18 who have gone to Disney went into debt to pay for the trip, which made me wonder if parents really need to spend $250k-$300k to raise a child.
I do think it’s possible to raise a child for far less than $250K–and no doubt many people do just that.
My mom used to sew some of my clothes and I never had a ton of toys. We (gasp) never went to Disneyland and if we ate out once every month or two (at McDonald’s) it was quite a treat.
That’s roughly $267 a week. I bet if you counted things like the extra cost of health insurance, OOP health care, food, medicine, sports activities- now a days several thousand a year. Maybe a pet and the cost of extra living space rented or purchased, saving for college over just 18 years, that is not unreasonable at least in many areas.
I think there is more to all that than just family money including lifestyle priorities and overall economic conditions and the growing priority of a career. .
No doubt about Disney.
I think money really is a consideration for a married couple (both 30, for example). Perhaps between them, they still owe $200K+ in student loans, and they understand that (today) daycare for two kids can be $3,000+ per month. A starter home in many parts of the country is $400K+, in some parts of the US — it’s $750K+. If they live far away from each of their parents, the local support mostly requires further money out of pocket. If one spouse loses their job, it puts their whole “empire” up for grabs. My parents were just a little older than you are, Richard, so, growing up in the midwest in the 70’s with my mother as a teacher and my father as a salesman, it was pretty easy middle-class living for them (and me) with their $350/MO mortgage, 2,200 sq ft house, healthcare paid-for, and always second and third-hand cars. It got much harder for them as I was exiting high school in the early 80’s because my father lost his job. He basically never recovered from that. Young people are wise to consider money, and I see plenty of young families near me with 2-3 children… so, it’s definitely happening with or without financial planning and consideration. Best to consider it.
Well, you may be right, but it is a very sad commentary on our society to the extend that similar scenarios apply to many people.
Budgets before babies.
It seems we have created a society where some people conclude they won’t have children because they can’t afford to have someone else take care of them while both parents are working.
This pre-boomer could rant about all the situations you raise and how we got to this point, but not here. I know society has made them real and created an unfortunate shift in family priorities which will have significant long term implications.
Thank you for highlighting the cost of daycare in addition to educational costs. This was the chief reason one of my siblings and spouse stopped at 2 kids even though they would have liked to have 3.
Doesn’t that say a lot about society today? I’m a dinosaur I admit it, but out of society created necessity or career desire, we have the need to pay for childcare
It’s just good planning and being realistic. This family knew the costs of private education and planned accordingly. They did daycare and my sis-in-law stayed home after child #2 came along. It is no slur on society but their choice of how they want to educate their children in the area where they live.
Our parents were not planners and not organized so when it came to things like paying tuition at Catholic primary and high school…well, it was a mess. So my brother (and his wife) are planners, and I dare say better parents than ours were.
You bring up another interesting topic: how children do–or don’t–follow in their parents footsteps when it comes to financial planning.
I know one family where the parents were extreme savers but neither of their two adult children were. The children were all about spending. I know one of the siblings often talked about feeling deprived as a child. I always wondered if that played a role in turning them into a spender instead of a saver.
I have a similar background. Grew up in the 70’s–mom worked at a few different jobs (and stayed home with me for many years) and my dad worked in the timber industry. We moved around a lot, but the house I lived in from fifth grade until high school graduation was maybe 1500 square feet. I doubt the mortgage was more than $350. We always had used cars (mostly VW’s) and my dad did all the work on them.
When I was in high school my dad lost his job. The timber industry in the Northwest was hit hard back in the late 70’s/early 80’s. I managed to put myself through college without using loans–lots of grants and lots of scholarships.
When I think about the cost of childcare today, along with things like private school tuition, extra curricular activities, school supplies, summer camps, etc., it makes my head spin.
I doubt many (any?) people make the decision to have (or not have) children based entirely on finances. But I’m sure it factors in, be it directly or indirectly.
Perhaps it means taking a job that pays a higher salary but isn’t as personally rewarding. Maybe it means choosing to live in a suburb where housing isn’t as expensive as it would be in a city. I’m sure there are a hundred little decisions–many with an underlying financial implication–that play a role in deciding whether to have children (or how many to have).
Or once children are in the picture, (at least) hundreds of decisions made as they are because of their financial implications.
No doubt you are right for some people, especially the current young adult generation.
Such analysis is beyond my comprehension though, but what do I know about thinking these days, I was born in the middle of WWII
I have two adult daughters, ages 35 and 30. My two siblings (ages 60 and 52) are childless, and neither of my daughters has kids either (yet). So I’ve seen this up close both ways.
I don’t expect my daughters to care for us when we’re older. If it turns out that way, fine, but we’re going to make our own plans (e.g., long-term care policies and/or a CCRC). However, I do think about leaving a legacy for my daughters and perhaps for our nephew (my husband’s sister’s son).
Thanks for your response. I think it’s great that you are able to have a few different options when it comes to care when you’re older.
I’ve often wondered how many of the residents in our retirement community have no other options (besides living by themselves). I fear many of them don’t have the financial resources to move into a care facility if they need it. Thankfully there are a lot of services available nearby to support residents who want to stay in their homes for as long as they can.
Medical reasons directed our choice not to have kids, but we have helped our siblings with kids by contributing to private school tuition and vacation funds, and we have 529 plans for several of the kids. The $250k/kid figure doesn’t surprise me at all if children attend private school, even before college.
My spouse and I had childless aunts and great aunts who helped our families with tuitions and general role-modeling. In fact, our most formative childhood experiences were with these ladies who ran companies and households and were pillars of their communities.
What a wonderful comment! I love how you are helping out your nieces and nephews–I’m sure they are most appreciative of your generosity. Thanks for sharing your story.
And thank you for what you do for other beings with whom we share the Earth, Kristine. I always admire people who make the world better for all creatures.
You should be proud of yourself for not acquiescing to the demands of society or family or whoever to have kids if it wasn’t something you wanted to do. Having optionality is the key (just ask NassimTaleb). You only get one go-round in this life and it is extremely important to live it the way that gives you meaning so that when you’re on your deathbed you’ll feel like you played your hand the best you could.
so, as the Aussies say, good on ya!
I know when I was in my twenties and thirties there were a few socially awkward moments when members of my (ex-husband’s) family would ask, “So…when are you going to get pregnant?”. It always seemed like such an odd question to ask someone. I have NEVER asked anyone that question.
At age 35 I started private practice and was told of our employee retirement plan. I had never given retirement, much less investing for it a thought until then. I began reading Buffett’s annual letters, and later Bogle’s first book on mutual funds. And because I diagnosed many unfortunate young people with disabling illnesses, I purchased a disability insurance policy. I was skeptical about LTC policies so I avoided them. I never considered the possibility that my wife or I might one day need care and who would provide it, until I began reading Humble Dollar. I know my family would step in to help if my wife or I needed it, but I think it would be a mistake to count on or expect full-time long term care from them. I’m a proud and happy Grandpa, but some of my dearest friends have no kids, and I think they are happy too. I admire your choice to invest more of your salary rather than ratchet up the cost of your lifestyle.
Thanks for your thoughtful response. I too know childless couples who are quite happy as well as happy couples with multiple children and grandchildren. Perhaps the ‘type’ of happiness between them is different; I’m sure parents get great happiness from the accomplishments of their offspring while childless couples may get great happiness from their own personal accomplishments.
When I was about 28, it was apparent to me that I didn’t want to have and raise kids. So I didn’t. Certainly, there may be some younger people today who delay or forgo having kids (even though they want kids), but I still see plenty of young families near me. With multi-generational households, Medicaid, ObamaCare, (prepandemic level) Child income tax credit, and other community benefits available in most states, I see families that seem very happy — regardless of what is probably varying income levels. Often people don’t have kids because the right partner doesn’t come along and they don’t want to raise a kid alone, amongst a myriad of other reasons. Myself, I remain content more than 30 years after I realized I didn’t want kids. No regrets.
Thanks for your thoughtful response. It seems like a lot of people know, from a fairly young age, whether or not they want to have children. I’m sure some change their minds as they age, but I’m guessing many don’t.
There are many different views expressed on this deeply personal subject. I respect and appreciate all of them.
To me, life is a series of experiences. You pick and choose (if you have a choice) the experiences you want to have along the way. Money can buy a lot of experiences but having a child is not always a given. It is a gift. Having a child, seeing them grow and teaching them values is an experience that is priceless. It changes you profoundly as a human being. You cannot put a price tag ($300K?) on it. Personally, there is no way I would trade this experience for exotic vacations or bigger retirement savings.
I am extremely grateful to my parents for the sacrifices they made to bring me into this world and the values they taught me. I also know that if my parents looked only at economics and decided not to have a child, I would not be here.
It was a lot easier then but now it is a very tough decision.
Thank you for your thoughtful response. Deciding whether to raise a child is definitely a deeply personal decision. I have great respect for people who choose to raise a child–I know at times it must be an incredibly difficult and exhausting endeavor. I also have no doubt it can be a tremendously rewarding experience and can only imagine the joy one feels at having reared a child who grows into a successful and happy adult.
I fully agree, except I don’t think it was a lot easier then. In the ”old days” there was far less support for families.
In the old, old days there were more multi-generational families.
Kids or no kids seems to me to be the biggest single variable in life and retirement paths.
What should never be the case is that anyone judges the childless who may be that way through life circumstances as well as by active choice.
Re life it may be that people can pursue more active travel, more expensive hobbies, have different cultural focuses. But at the same time they may not max out on size of home in the same way or seek to live in desirable school districts. And in later life no “forced” relocations to be closer to the grandkids etc. So the childfree can end up looking different at retirement to the childrich.
Ultimately I suspect it all washes out. For everyone who ends up with the perfectly balanced relationship with successful adult kids and their families there will be those who regret not seeing them enough or for whom the kids remain a constant source of worry.
I think in the care needing days things also probably broadly balance out. The childfree don’t need to worry about preserving financial legacy and thus deny themselves. The childrich may have a back up in certain circumstances but usually don’t want to demand anything. And I’ve seen what being too demanding leads to in terms of friends’ relationships.
And let’s not forget that there is nothing stopping the childfree from having rewarding and mutually enriching relationships with friends and relatives from younger generations. In fact I suspect they end up closer to nephews and nieces etc and/or people with whom they pursue common interests.
Thank you for your thoughtful reply. I couldn’t agree more.
Kristine, I’m glad you are thinking about the long term care of your dogs, too, just in case.
There’s a thousand and one variations on life, and good to mull them early in retirement, where the basic conditions are set up but so many ways to play out.
My brother and sister-in-law never had children while I raised five, in two generations. Our lives and our retirements are very different, just as our working lives and home lives were very different. Despite those differences, our near term and longer term (as far as we can see) plans and goals are nearly identical now. Do the best we can as long as we can, lean on one another, and try not to leave a mess for our relatives to clean up when we are gone. The two of them are a bit more carefree than I, with my young adults and the family dog to worry about, but we have the same plans for the future.
As for my children, my goal for each has been independent adulthood, which in my mind means not having to spend their early adulthood or middle age caring for me. Similarly, I trust they anticipate little in the way of inheritances, so as to not interfere with their drives for careers and community far beyond my house. I’ve certainly made a point of saying many time that the whole of the estate (whatever ends up left over) will be divided equally, and should be considered enough maybe for a down payment on a house or a big help on college expenses, but not both. Might be a lot less, I tell them. The recent inflationary years have made it clear to them how savings are impacted by changes in purchasing power.
Also, I watched Clint Eastwood’s Gran Torino. Just saying!
My mother worked in a nursing home. She was concerned about ending up in one but that never happened. For economic and other reasons, she lived with my sister (an arrangement that started when my sister was a young adult and lasted the rest of my mom’s life) and with help from hospice was able to avoid institutional living.
Here’s what to me seems to make people the happiest, both in my “home” neighborhood and in my “away” 55+ community, At top of care continuum, spouses. Then, friends, neighbors, children, grandchildren, hired assistants helping older/frailer people.
If “care” gets sliced thinly enough, almost anyone can be counted on to make a contribution. I’m paying attention to this because I’ve already lost my spouse.
One 89-year-old on our street had difficulties with her only child at times. But that was not her whole day. She also got Meals on Wheels, had a standing relationship with her hairdresser who sent a cab each week to pick her up, and kept watch over our block during working hours when people were not home, making a circuit (first with cane and later with walker) almost every hour, chatting with all passers by. I could write pages on our conversations, and her interactions with my neighbors.
At my 55+ community, it’s great because the mobile homes are just next to each other and so a person can’t help but be a bit social no matter if they are shy or gregarious. Lots of advice (much unsolicited!) on any topic is available. Ours is not upscale at all. Lots of retired people who worked in all trades as well as professions so I am learning a lot about how to take care of my little place. Also, everyone is very focused on what they can do now, and acknowledges that changes come, inevitably, and soon. So far what I’ve seen people do then ranges from in-home care, to shifts to assisted living, to moving in with their kids. For some, kids are the overarching answer and joy of life, while for others, children are more of a secondary resource (or last resort). The $250k per child? Probably about right in my accounting, and it’s water under the bridge. There is no ongoing obligation. Just whatever love, respect, devotion, capacity remains. No matter. I’m aiming for a good enough retirement, making it out of good enough day at a time. Family dog in tow.
Catherine. Thank you for your thoughtful reply.
It’s easy to see many variations in retirement lifestyles within our 55+ community. There are people in every possible living situation imaginable. There are singles who were never married or have lost a spouse. There are couples. There are older folks living with an adult child. There are several households made up of two or three unrelated older adults living together as a way to share expenses and, I assume, have someone to keep them company. It’s what I call “Golden Girls” living.
There are also numerous care facilities in our community. I hear stories about kids who move their parents into the facility and are never seen again.
I love how this discussion never turned political.
On a larger scale, the decision to not have children (or inability) is a factor in the population decline or slowed growth rate. This has major long term implications especially for programs for the older population funded in large part by current workers.
Effective legal immigration can address the lower birth rate.
It could.
I know colleges and universities are suffering from declining enrollments because of the shortage of college-aged adults. From a recent search I did on “2025 college enrollment”: “The ‘enrollment cliff’ is a term used to describe the anticipated decline in the number of college-age students in the United States starting in 2025.”
I know there are people who are expecting quite a few private colleges to close over the next few years.
The college I retired from 5 years ago terminated 1/4 of its faculty in the past two years. Non-elite private colleges are suffering the most.
Declining K-12 enrollments in smaller cities are also causing school closings and major budget cuts.
Wow–that’s quite a cut. I worked at a small (n=1500 students) private college for 24 years. During the time I was there, they substantially increased their endowment to help weather the storm. They also added quite a few faculty, staff and administrators during the time I was there…
Kristine: I have a daughter 46 and son who just turned 40. My wife had to use fertility drugs for my daughter and my son was a surprise 6 years later. Neither of them have had children and is highly unlikely that they ever will, since my son’s “significant other” is 45. Do I miss being a grandfather? Absolutely, because I never had one.
My view of people “choosing not to have children” is somewhat jaundiced, as I look at the younger woman of today (NOT referring to you or your situation) and based on the lifestyles they are leading, it is no wonder the rates of childlessness aren’t higher.
Were I am young man today, I doubt I would even consider marriage, at least not with the likes of what you see on social media. If appears woman in their 20’s are in the “I’m (or working towards being) a Boss Babe,” “I don’t need a man” leftist feminist mindset. They have “standards” or requirements that the guy be 6 feet tall, earn $250K a year, pay for everything while their money is theirs but his is ours…etc. Meanwhile, they are “racking top a high body count,” as they refer to it, and that is “no body’s business.”
When asked “What do you bring to the table?” young woman usually respond with something related to their looks.They rarely respond with “loyalty, respect, and supportiveness,” which, of course is actually what men are actually looking for in a wife.
My daughter’s reason for not having a child is medically related, so I can see her point, but my son’s reasoning is financial. The ironic thing about the 2 younger generations, (I am a Boomer,) is they choose not to have children and then complain about the likely hood of their not having social security “when it’s their turn.” It is their own fault, as they are choosing not to produce the generations needed to “fund their turn.”
As far as not having children being a concern later in life when their is no one to care for you, the last thing I would want is being cared for by my child, and I worked and invested for the past 54 years to assure that their mother and I will never need their assistance.
A number of folks mentioned CCRC’s as a solution for childless couples and that is a great solution, but not one affordable to the majority of seniors. I also realize readers of HD tend to be more affluent than “most seniors.”
My father died in 1980, at age 53, from an illness contracted in his 4 tours in SE Asia in the 1960’s and 70’s. He was career military, having served 30 years in the US Army. My step mother died at age 81, from a heart attack. My mother passed at 82, from cancer. My step dad, lived until 2 months before his 94th birthday. He lived with us for 6 of his last 7 years, with his last year in an Assisted Living Facility with a Memory Care Center. He had a stroke on Mother’s Day, 2017 and died in July, 2018.
Financially, NONE of my parents (including my parents in law, who are also deceased) were ever financial burdens. Having my step father live with us for his last years was a wonderful experience. He went with us everywhere and he and my wife would go places together, that I had no interest in attending, or which conflicted with my work requirements. One trip they took was to the UFO Convention in Roswell Mexico. Ha! They were both “believers.” He loved Las Vegas, The Great Smoky Mountains and Gatlinburg, TN, Myrtle Beach, SC, Charleston, SC and Savannah, GA. Over the years before he passed, he and my mother visited us in OK, TX, LA, FL, SC, PA, and GA…in all the places I worked throughout my lifetime.
My step father and mother and I actually visited a nice CCRC in Pinehurst, NC. (I was his finance guy, as I spent my life in financial services.) They were impressed with the facility and amenities, and could have afforded the fees, but when he found out that spouses could be forced to live separately, within the campus of the CCRC, due to differing medical requirements, that was a deal breaker for him. His “younger” brother and his wife actually moved into a nice CCRC in Richmond, VA, their home, when he turned 82, 4-5 years ago.
So…bottomline…is financial planning and retirement planning different when you have no children, for whatever the reason? Absolutely. Is it the ‘right thing to do?” ABSOLUTELY, if that is how you want to live your life.
Happy Retirement.
“When asked “What do you bring to the table?” young woman … rarely respond with “loyalty, respect, and supportiveness,” which, of course is actually what men are actually looking for in a wife.”
As Dear Abby recently said, “We live in a visual society, and, unfortunately, not everyone is willing to look beneath the surface.” Someone who is not particularly young or attractive rarely finds men who notice and are willing to give the opportunity to demonstrate the qualities you named.
I have a sister who’s never had kids (she is married), and daughters who are 30 and 35, neither of whom has kids, and I don’t know if they will or not. But none of my childless family members resemble your scornful description of young women in any way, shape, or form. Similarly, I have younger colleagues at work who are childless, and they don’t match your description, either.
You are painting a lot of people you don’t know with the same brush. One of the most important things I keep learning as I get older is how unique people’s stories are and how we can’t possibly know all of the reasons behind the decisions they make. Nor, I would assert, is it any of our business.
Sorry about the infertility problem, but what’s with the misogynistic rant in paragraph three? I could equally well say that what men have always wanted is good looks, good sex, and someone to defer to them, take care of them and do the housework. That’s about as useful as your take.
My view is that there are far too many people in the world already. The Atlantic website had an interesting article on the declining birthrate recently but I don’t think I can share it. I can share this one from the NYT.
Sorry, but it was not a “misogynistic” rant, as you call it. It is a simple statement of fact, as presented daily on social media. I happen to believe that woman were sold a bill of goods by the “feminist crowd,” and their lives had become lesser because of it. You are certainly free to have your own opinion. If anything, today, there is far more misandry in this country, than misogyny.
While your outlook on what men want isn’t totally inaccurate, it is certainly not what I was looking for when I married my wife 50 years ago. What I found in my wife was, loyalty, respect and support for my career choices, and over time, a deep and abiding love. We each adopted traditional roles in our marriage and the proof that we made our right choices are apparent in that we are still married.
As far as their being too many people in the world, that is another world view that I do not embrace. What there is in the world is a lack of countries that value their citizens as anything more than servants or serfs to be used for the enrichment of their leaders. This would include most of Africa, South America, Russia and China. Overpopulation and Climate Crisis are the Boogey Men of today, serving as a distraction from the real issues of the day.
You and I are apparently on opposite sides of these issues, but again, I wish you a happy retirement.
My life would have been immeasurably less fulfilling were it not for that “feminist crowd”. At 77, I have no doubt at all that I have seen far more misogyny than you have misandry. I don’t waste my time on social media, aside from a few sites like this one.
FYI, Merriam-Webster lists the first occurrence of misogyny as c.1656, although of course it as old as the myth of Adam and Eve.
Merriam-Webster lists the first occurrence of misandry as 1898, right when the movement for votes for women was really gathering steam. My 1964 Concise OED has no entry for misandry, suggesting its use is more of an American phenomenon.
I know of no female equivalent of the disgusting and dangerous male incels.
I’m glad to hear that your traditional marriage has been successful, but that doesn’t alter the fact that many women want something different.
For me and my wife, my having 3 kids doesn’t change our planning. My wife doesn’t have any kids, and while I believe 2 of my 3 kids could be depended upon for whatever assistance either of us may require, I really don’t want to put that burden on them. That’s why we plan to go into a CCRC eventually.
I made the decision at 20 to never have children, and I’ve never regretted it for a moment, although it cost me some relationships in my 30’s with women who were ready for families. I suspect I would have been a lousy, impatient father, as mine was, and I’ve happily lived my life with being responsible for spending decades trying to do something I wouldn’t have been good at. Accumulating extra wealth wasn’t the objective, but it has been a great bonus.
Ironically I now have a warm, loving relationship with my wife’s teenage nephew and a joyous one with the little kids across the street, who scream “Uncle Mike!” whenever they see me.
I never wanted to be Dad, but Uncle Mike sounds pretty awesome.
What a fantastic comment–I love this! I bet the kids across the street (and their parents) appreciate having you as their neighbor!
I’ve had a chance to think about this topic a bit and wanted to add a few more thoughts. Although i’m in the camp that I don’t want to be a burden to my children, I don’t feel that taking care of my parents and in-laws was a burden. Maybe I attach too many negative connotations to the “B” word. Taking care of elderly and infirm relatives is challenging and often downright physically hard. We also had the challenge of figuring out confusing and complicated financial situations. But I don’t regret any of it, and would do it again. Beyond being the right thing to do (my opinion) I learned so much about people, life, and what’s important from the experience. It was also a deep dive into retirement 101. I doubt I would be writing for HD if I hadn’t had the need and interest to learn as much as I could about finances, retirement, health care, and the rest. My sons also played a role in caring for their grandparents at some level, and I think it was a valuable experience. I recognize that this is my life experience, and everyone’s is unique. But I didn’t want to leave the impression that I regretted or resented anything I went through. On the contrary, I feel honored and blessed that I had the chance to help loved ones.
I suspect (hope) most children don’t feel like it’s a burden to care for aging parents and in-laws. Hopefully most of them feel as you do that it is an honor and a blessing!
Recently there was a very sad story about a resident in our 55+ community who was living on her own. She was no longer capable of caring for herself and by the time a neighbor alerted the authorities, she was almost dead. She was transported to a local hospital where she passed away a couple of days later.
I don’t know if she had any relatives who just weren’t aware of her condition or if she was family-less.
Thank you for this question, Kristine. I am childfree, initially by circumstance: married but did not get pregnant. Then after divorce I had no success dating, and so when the biological clock ticked down, and I had not had a strong maternal urge anyway, I chose to live my single life happily. I have one younger half-brother but otherwise no close relatives. That’s why I invested diligently while working and moved into a CCRC right after retiring. I think people who criticize childless women are not taking into account how difficult it can be in our society for a female who is not particularly young or pretty to attract a loving partner with whom to raise a child.
When I first saw the statistic that 23% of women my age are childless, I thought it seemed high. But when I thought about how many women I know-who are roughly the same age as I am–I realize it actually seems a little low. Several of my high school classmates didn’t have children and many of them who did only had one.
I wonder if the fact that so many Gen X’ers are childless will mean we will see more CCRC’s being built? Or will the wait lists at the current ones just continue to get longer and longer?
I don’t have biological children, but I do have former step children. One of them suggested I should come live with her, but I would not want to burden her, or indeed a biological child, with my care when I am no longer able to care for myself. My solution was a move to a CCRC, although I really need to find an executor nearer than the ex-stepdaughter in Oregon.
$250,000 to raise a child to 18? Absolutely not! If that were so we’d have one heckava lot more poverty stricken/homeless children than we do now. Maybe if you include the tuition at a 4 year college pursuing a worthless degree….
I believe most of the statistics on the cost of raising children don’t include the cost of college.
According to USDA data and inflation statistics from the BLS, raising a child in 2023 could cost an average of $331,933 from the time a child is born to age 18.
I wonder if those adult kids living with their parents are just sponging off them, or it they are there to help out.
In our 55+ community you can’t have anyone under 55 living with you for more than 3 months- unless disabled dependent.
In our community the rule is that you can’t have anyone under the age of 18 living with you. There is an exception for grandparents who have legal custody of their grandchildren. As long as at least one owner of the home is age 55 or older, adult children can live with their parents.
The greatest joy in life is raising children.
I’ve always been fascinated by the topic of happiness and parenthood. There have been a few studies that have indicated childless people are actually happier than those with children. But, I also think that may change as the children age. I suspect parents who have successfully raised their children to adulthood may regain any happiness they might have lost when their children were teenagers.
An interesting look at the topic is here.
Here’s an article I wrote on the topic:
https://humbledollar.com/2018/12/no-kidding/
The link to the cross-cultural study that you provided in your article is no longer functional. Here is a summary:
Our analyses of the European Social Surveys (ESS) and International Social Survey Programme (ISSP) reveal considerable variation in the parenthood gap in happiness across countries, with the U.S. showing the largest disadvantage of parenthood. We also find that more generous family policies, particularly paid time off and childcare subsidies, are associated with smaller disparities in happiness between parents and non-parents. Moreover, the policies that augment parental happiness do not reduce the happiness of nonparents.
https://www.ncbi.nlm.nih.gov/pmc/articles/PMC5222535/
I bet it has a lot to do with the entire lifestyle. We were 25 and 29 when our first child was born. Connie wanted to be a mother and had no interest in working outside the home. We knew we would make it work on one income. She did a great deal of volunteering in the schools as the children grew.
Two working parents must make child rearing much more stressful. When some of our grandchildren were young Connie spent time taking care of them while both parents worked.
Trying to have both career and family or working out of necessity are likely factors in the happiness scale i would think.
Thanks for a thoughtful post Kristine. Vicky and I recently met with an estate attorney to date our documents since we’ve changed states. He told us that he often is appointed as a guardian to people deemed incompetent and did not have a qualified representative. He was recently appointed to represent a woman in her late 70s whose 50 year old son took over her home, moved her into a car to live, would not let her in the home to use a bathroom, or get out of the cold. He stole her SS payments and would not leave. This is a clear, and extreme, case of elder abuse and the law needs to take its course. I’ve heard other stories of children fighting over their parents estates, wanting to limit care for their parents so they don’t use up “their” inheritance, and other horror stories. So having children isn’t always the perfect solution.
That being said, I’ve seen and lived the other side, where families came together to help out different generations. I’m lucky to have been born into such a family, and marry into one. And we have wonderful children who married wonderful women. But, as Jonathan and Jeff say below, we are planning carefully to minimize any burden on our children.
The last thing on our mind when we decided to have four children (within five years) and to live on one income was money, retirement or aging. No doubt our finances would be very different without them, but our lives would be vastly different as well. Our world revolves around our children and grandchildren.
So far in our eighties, our children ask us for help more than we ask them. Can you take Conor to school tomorrow, can you pick Grace up at practice, will you take Sean shopping – little stuff, but it’s great.
Then there are the occasional financial issues. Rarely one will ask for help, more often one will incur a large unplanned expense and we will just send some help. We have started sharing RMDs with each of them.
Will we rely on our children in the year’s head? I pray we won’t because that’s the last burden we want to put on them. I told them not long ago that we may need help someday, but it won’t be financial.
Practically, such a burden would fall on our daughter, but she is an hour away trying to juggle he own life with three children.
I think responsible parents will seek help from their children only when absolutely necessary and to the minimum extent possible, but should not be ashamed to do so when necessary.
Did you say you would leave an inheritance to your dogs?
Why is it always the daughter? Don’t you have three sons? Don’t they live closer?
One son lives closer and he helps when we need things done around the house. If it came to care giving, I just think our daughter is better equipped to do that. She is very close to her mother. She was a teacher, she now works part time in a day care center just because she enjoys working with people – children.
I would hope they would all help, but the reality is some more than others.
Kristine, in our families’ cases the children have stepped in to help their parents in different ways. What I saw was mostly our parents stepping in to help their mothers (and a sister) after the fathers (and uncle) passed and the mothers started to have health issues. They all ended up in nursing homes, and our parents had to visit and take care of the financial stuff.
We are starting to see some of this also with our mothers. One mother is in an assisted living place after a stroke. The other is showing signs of dementia but is still in her home (not sure how long she will be safe there). We are having to visit more often than we did.
Since you didn’t have children, I hope you will think about a trusted person/relative who might be able to help if you are single and have health issues. Of course Spouse and I hope not to be a burden to our children, but even if you don’t live with your children, there is still a lot to manage.Chris
Thanks for sharing your experience. I do think about my future ‘care’ options and as of yet am undecided. Moving into a CCRC at some point is certainly a thought I’ve had on more than one occasion.
I don’t PLAN to rely on my children for elderly care. I don’t WANT to rely on my children for elderly care. I think/hope I have adequately planned for elderly care when needed. My parents required a bit of assistance late in their lives, but not full-on care from me and my siblings.
Among those who plan for long-term care, I think there’s a strong desire not to burden their children — that’s a big reason for their planning. But clearly, many folks don’t plan or can’t afford long-term care, so the burden ends up falling on their children. Countless HumbleDollar readers have mentioned helping with their parents’ care.
I would guess the greatest burden on children is not financial, but emotional and the time required.
While that is probably true amongthose on HD, economic insecurity among the elderly is still a major problem and I think we can assume that many of the elderly receive financial, physical and emotional support from their children.
https://www.ncoa.org/article/get-the-facts-on-economic-security-for-seniors