FREE NEWSLETTER
I SENT HUMBLEDOLLAR’S editor an email saying I was taking some time off from writing for the site. I really didn’t think I was going to write again. It wasn’t because I didn’t enjoy it. Rather, I thought I didn’t have anything to say that I hadn’t already said. But when I read Jonathan’s June 15 article, I was inspired to write about friendship.
Although I’ve never met Jonathan in person, he feels like a dear friend who I’ve known for many years. It’s because his writings aren’t just about money. They’re also about his life. He’s revealed so much about himself that you feel like you’re a close friend.
We know he’s a Cambridge graduate who moved from England to New York, and now lives in Philadelphia with Elaine. They recently remodeled their house. They don’t own a car like most families do. He has a daughter, son and two grandsons. He used to be a long distance runner, but because of an injury he now rides a bike. He’s also not afraid to talk about the difficulties in his life: he was bullied in school, experienced two divorces and now is in a fight with cancer.
That personal touch is why I look forward to reading his Saturday articles. It isn’t easy finding a friend you can trust, which is what you feel when you read Jonathan’s writings.
When I was 19 years old, a bunch of us guys got together to play a pickup football game. We decided to play tackle instead of touch football. I wasn’t thrilled about it because I was the smallest guy on the field. I was short and skinny, just like I am today, at age 73.
We kicked off to the opposing team. My friend Mike caught the ball and avoided all the defenders except for me. I was the last guy to beat for a touchdown, and he could have done so easily, because I was too far away to catch him. But he decided to turn and run in my direction. At first, I didn’t know what he was doing—until I realized he wanted to run me over.
Mike was a strong kid. He was a lot taller than me and outweighed me by about 50 pounds. We collided, and his knee hit my chin as we both fell to the ground. As I slowly got up, I could see Mike looking down at me and smiling. I knew then that Mike wasn’t really a friend. A friend wouldn’t intentionally attempt to punish or hurt another friend.
I used to run track when I was in high school. One time, I was warming up for my race, while jogging past the pole vault area. Ron, Steve and Jerry were also competing for my school. Those guys always hung out together. While Jerry was attempting to vault over the bar, I could hear Ron and Steve chanting “miss it, miss it.” I couldn’t understand why they would not only root against their teammate, but also their friend.
Sometimes, it’s hard to figure out who’s a true friend. But as you get older, it’s important that you know, because it’s tough making it on your own, especially in retirement. You need family and friends who you can count on when you need help.
When I was taking care of my mother, I got her a medical alert system. It was a transmitter device that she wore around her neck that connected her to an emergency call center. If my mother was alone and needed help, the dispatcher would call an ambulance, the fire department or the police if it was necessary.
My mother rarely needed help, but one time she did. The dispatcher called Ann, who was a neighbor and close friend of my mother. They’d known each other a long time. Ann would often visit my mother and they’d have a glass of wine together. Ann agreed to be one of the individuals on the call list.
But Ann refused to come. She later told my mother she was in her pajamas and didn’t want to change clothes. We removed Ann from the list because she wasn’t someone who’d go out of her way to help a friend.
I’ve written a few times about losing my close friend Jeremy. It’s been difficult to get over his death. I thought at first it was because I missed our phone calls and lunches. But I now realize it’s more than that.
At my age, I know I’m eventually going to need some help. I always knew that Jeremy would be there for me, just as I’d be there for him. Now that he’s gone, I feel more vulnerable. I know I have my wife and other folks I can count on, but people like Jeremy are hard to find. No amount of money can replace the security that a friend like that can provide.
I wrote an article about paying our neighbor’s son $50 a week to water our plants, get our mail and keep an eye on the house while we were vacationing in the U.K. Since we were going to be gone for five weeks, I figured paying Michael was the right thing to do.
After we came back from our trip, Michael’s mother told me she didn’t want us to pay him. She said, “We want to teach him that he should help his neighbors and friends without expecting to be paid for it. That’s what friends do.”
Dennis Friedman retired from Boeing Satellite Systems after a 30-year career in manufacturing. Born in Ohio, Dennis is a California transplant with a bachelor’s degree in history and an MBA. A self-described “humble investor,” he likes reading historical novels and about personal finance. Follow Dennis on X @DMFrie and check out his earlier articles.
Want to receive our weekly newsletter? Sign up now. How about our daily alert about the site's latest posts? Join the list.
This is a lovely piece, Dennis. Stay with us in your contributions!!
Bob
Dennis:
Please don’t stop writing for HD. You have a lot to say, as you just demonstrated. What a moving piece.
I can feel that you miss Jeremy…and I hope you find another person that you can feel about as you did Jeremy…and they will in return, feel that way about you.
We all need a Jeremy….or a Dennis.
As a life-long student of human nature, I collect aphorisms. The best one on friendship I have encountered is. “a friend puts their own interests aside, and puts yours first; all others are acquaintances”. That one came from an orphan, schooled in the ways of the world, with no family to help them or take for granted and fight with. “If you want a friend, be a friend” speaks to the reciprocity that we all thrive on, except those who don’t. “You only get what you give”, otherwise known as karma, suggests that your bullying acquaintance will similarly be schooled, in the fullness of time, on the gridiron of life. “When you scratch the surface of life, right underneath you will find envy.” “Your worst lessons are your best lessons”, or perhaps “what doesn’t kill you makes for a great story afterwards” . “Power tends to corrupt, and absolute power corrupts absolutely.” That humans pretend toward nobility is belied by the bad name nobility has earned in this world. “Trial and error” suggests that we don’t learn from our successes, only from our failures. Try picking your own stocks for your retirement savings, and you will soon learn that truth of the ages!
Some of us lucky ones married our best friend.
Dennis, you sound like a do the right thing kind of guy. It’s one of the things we love so much about Jonathan and why we’re in his corner right now. I’m betting this spills over into your financial savviness too. Enjoyed your article and hope to read more from you.
Dennis, thank you for your fine thoughts here. So true, no doubt for us all, that often we find out who our real friends are or are not in unexpected ways. I hope your neighbor’s son (just as I would wish for all young people) absorbs not just “what friends do,” but that being a true friend brings even greater and more abiding pleasure than having a true friend.
As for the viciousness of so many young boys (and the term “mean girl” isn’t for nothing!), that psychology has always been a mystery to me. I used to think maybe it had something to do with growing up in a small, mean, town, but I guess it’s more universal than that.
Dennis, what struck me was Mike’s tackle. I wish people would just carry a sign that said “I’m just being nice, I’m not really your friend,” especially in the workplace. It would make life so much easier. I do observe how someone treats other people, that sometimes tells me how they might treat me in the future.
I used to ask patients “do you have someone you could call at 2 in the morning in an emergency?” Of course someone might say you can call them but just like the neighbor who didn’t want to change her pajamas they flame out when called.
Maybe I’ve been tackled too many times?
I got very emotional reading this post.
Thank you, Dennis.
Thank you for such a beautiful story, you put into words my feeling for this site and Jonathan. I hope you still paid Michael. I know what his mother said but the agreement was in advance of the trip and that kind of money is very significant to a young person.
Yes, we still paid Michael.
I can’t add anything because you all said it all. I would just add that when you don’t have children, friends become your family. I feel privileged and lucky to have a few that go way back. And we’re all lucky to have Jonathan.
A beautiful article, Dennis. Thank you, and I totally agree that many of us feel Jonathan is a trusty friend of ours.
The first time I sent Jonathan something I wrote, he responded that it was not personal. I felt a little miffed, of course, since I generally like what I write. But I sat on it, and after a while, I took his encouragement to heart and wrote a more personal piece, which he was kind enough to edit and then to post.
As time has gone on, I realize that writing in a way that others feel connected is a most important value, better than any “truth” I might have to share. It’s not just a value for writing, of course….
Thank you, Jonathan, for sharing of yourself in this forum, and encouraging us to do the same.
Thank you so much Dennis for your very kind words about my son, Jonathan, and indeed gratitude to all the other writers and followers of Humble Dollars. I love my son, his siblings, and we are devastated by this downturn in Jonathan’s health, and yet so proud of his fortitude under these circumstances.
June, you’ve done a great job and should be very proud! As you can tell, Jonathan has enriched our lives and his kindness is evident in everything he does. You have taught him well! We are cheering for your whole family.
Thank you so much. I have been overwhelmed by the responses to Jonathan and his leadership of Humble Dollar.
June
When I was sick and homebound a few years ago there were only a few people who made the effort to stop by and see me. They could have “phoned it in” but they were physically present.
Our very best friends are at the other end of the political spectrum, but we enjoy their company and just avoid politics. I’m sure we simply cancel out each other’s entire ballot but that’s how democracy works. The fact that we all understand that probably makes us better friends.
It’s also interesting how you can consider someone you’ve never met to be a friend. I have read about many people who have some tough medical news, but it does not affect me the way Jonathan’s news did. Even more interesting is having a friend you’ve never met that you truly admire their spirit.
Thank you Dennis, a very good article about something in life more important than riches. As we age and for me as a man, it’s harder and harder to find and make really good friendships. I lost perhaps my best. friend about 20 years ago unexpectedly. He was a friend I could tell anything to, and he would listen. He would give me honest answers. He always held my confidence. He would do just about anything for me and likewise, I for him.
Please do keep writing Dennis. I look forward to your articles.
A proverb from the Bible sums it up true friendship quite well.
”A man of many companions may come to ruin, but there is a friend who sticks closer than a brother. “
‘mark
I lost my best friend just under 2 years ago. Consequently, he was also my step dad since I was 13. We did a lot together including vacationing, baseball games, and working together. What I did not realize is the void that I would have not having a best friend.
This is so sad & I’m so sorry for your great loss, he stepped into your life to become an amazing stepfather who then became your best friend. While it might be very presumptuous to suggest that maybe you could be a ‘big brother’ to a younger person who doesn’t have a father in their life.
What a lovely article. Honest and brave. I have recently moved from the USA to the UK because frankly, even after 39 years of work and family life over there, I never felt like I had made genuine friends. Sure I had mets lots of smart, decent people as well as my fair share of unempathetic and pushy types but the emphasis on the individual and what is best for me seems, at least to this chap, to be a cultural issue that is at the source of why we are so divided. There is something going on in the States, whether it’s the narrative we tell ourselves about ‘making it’ the lack of urban planning designed around the person and not the car or the work life balance that is negatively impacting the a way we live our lives. Winning at all costs seems like we forget at our peril the power of community, and how much our lives would be enriched by genuinely supportive social connection. It does seem that although we are social beings we are living in a world of ‘hunger games.’
I moved from the UK to the US back in the ’70s and I agree with you. The cult of “rugged individualism” has a lot to answer for. It’s also based on a mis-reading of history. A lone individual would not have done well trying to homestead out west. Even cowboys needed companions – someone had to drive the chuck wagon.
I chose the CCRC I moved to last year partly because it felt welcoming, and I have found new friends and a real sense of community. Establishing and maintaining that community does take work, it doesn’t just happen.
The wonderful thing about having friends is that you can have many types of friends and not merely companions. You can have male friends, female friends, casual friends, good friends and great friends. One friend may satisfy a certain need and another friend may satisfy a different need. Best of all, real friends will support you in everything.
The sad part is that as we grow older we lose friends. I recently lost a lifelong friend but have been so blessed to still have friends whose help and encouragement make my way so much lighter. I am sometime overwhelmed by their kindness. An added blessing for me is that new friends seem to come into my life. You Can get old, lose loved ones, go broke, get divorced and get fired. But as long as you have true friends there is nothing that can’t be made better.
Your article held special meaning for me. I know through your writings that like me, you have never had any children but as one wise contributor recently noted – children may have a different idea of what your end game should look like. As long as you have good friends to spend time with, you still have life and happiness
My wife’s mother, aged 96 years, frequently mourns the loss of her family and friends. My own mother, soon to be 95, has one truly close friend that lunches with her once a week. Outliving those we love is an aspect of a long life that’s often not considered.
Powerful point, Ed.
Both of my grandmothers lived to 100. They outlived their husbands, their children, every friend. Neither ever talked about it, but the sadness must have been overwhelming.
One time, while visiting my Dad, he commented on not having much to do. He was 90 or so at the time, and I suggested he call some friends to play a couple of holes of golf. He had hacked around on the golf course for many years, and I knew he enjoyed it. He told me he had outlived two different foursomes and didn’t want to go through that again.
Ed..you are wise beyond your years.
my own mother died at 98. There was no one to even attend her service, save for the wife of one of her cousins, myself and my youngest brother.
I think the spiritual health of our elderly loved ones is what Carries them through the loss of so much.
Real friends won’t support you in everything. There are things we agree to avoid talking about. Or there are things they are critical of because they really care about us. We compartmentalize.
Hi Dennis, this is Chris. Great article this morning. Really touched me.
Acquaintances are easy to find. True friends take work to keep. Thank you for another insightful article. I too echo your feelings towards Jonathan. Please keep sharing your thoughts.
You nailed it here Dennis.
Dennis – thanks for putting into words how (I think) many of us feel about Jonathan. I hope you will keep writing as you obviously have a lot to say. Also, keep writing because “that’s what friends do”. 🙂
I enjoy these type of non money related stories. I feel like I’ve gotten to know most writers just from reading the articles.
Thanks Dennis, I really enjoyed this article. From my first article I worried if I had anything meaningful or worthwhile to say. I still worry about that. But Jonathan has consistently been professional, encouraging, generous, and kind with my articles. Just what a friend would do.
What a great story! Please keep writing.
Dennis, if you truly stop writing, we’ll miss reading words that truly come from the writer’s heart.
When I list my friends, I think about those that I know will answer a request that inconveniences them. I’ve had to make a few of those calls, like the time I followed the ambulance that transported my daughter to a neonatal ICU 100 miles from our small hospital, or when my car failed while driving my wife home after surgery.
Having close friends is important, as is being a close friend. Neither is easy to do, but it’s worth the effort.
Dennis,
Such a kind and thoughtful reminder of what is truly important in all of our lives. Thank you for continuing to share with your writings, that is what friends do.
Dennis…thanks for coming back to HD to do what friends do…look after one another come what may. Your wise words carry a lot of weight in this community.