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EVER SINCE I RETIRED, mornings are the best part of my day. I always go for a long, quiet walk before sunrise. The only person I usually see is Mark, walking his dog. It’s a great way to start my day. By the time I get home, my wife is up and we have breakfast together.
Last week, I had coffee with Eric, Rob and Craig. We met at a Starbucks in the neighborhood where I used to live. Our conversation was just small talk, but it was a morning full of fun and laughter.
I’ve found that these small, unremarkable moments are retirement’s best kept secret. As I age, I appreciate the little things more. They tend to give me true joy and satisfaction. Maybe it’s because my life is slower, and I now have time to appreciate life more fully.
Meanwhile, my wife is currently out of town, taking care of her mother, so I had lunch with a friend. We went to a small Italian restaurant where the tables are close together. You can almost bump arms with the person at the next table when you’re eating.
Rick and I sat side by side, so we could both look out the window at the people walking past. Sitting at an adjacent table was a young lady who was finishing her meal. She was eating the same pasta dish that we’d ordered.
When her bill came, she gave the waiter her credit card. When he returned, I couldn’t help but hear him say that the card was denied. She promptly made a couple of phone calls, then told the waiter she could pay using Apple Pay, which was then also denied.
As she sat there, with her head down looking at her phone, I discreetly told Rick, “I’m going to find our waiter, and pay our bill and hers, too.”
He said, “Don’t pay her bill.” Rick wouldn’t give me a reason. I suspect he thought she was financially irresponsible, didn’t deserve to be bailed out and should suffer the consequences of her situation.
Still, I paid the young woman’s bill—because all I could think about was what would happen if my wife were sitting at that table. I would hope someone would help her if she was in trouble. It also reminded me of my Aunt Louise, my mother’s sister. I usually think of my aunt when I see someone needing money.
When I was a child, my mother took my sister and me to visit my aunt in Blairsville, Georgia. It’s a small town where the main employer back then was a shoe factory that my aunt worked at.
At that time, my aunt was separated from her husband. She was left to raise two children, Linda and Brenda, on her own. She was struggling to make ends meet.
One night, we kids wanted to go to the movies. My mother tried to pay for all the children, but my aunt wouldn’t stand for it. She had too much pride and was stubborn. She was determined to pay for her own children.
I can still remember the movie we saw: A Night to Remember. I don’t believe it cost much to see the movie. But for my aunt, it took a herculean effort.
She rummaged through her purse to try to come up with enough change to pay for Linda and Brenda. She had no bills. The more I watched her try to scrape up enough loose coins from the bottom of her purse, the less I wanted to see the movie.
I watched my mother try to hand her sister money, but every time she tried, my aunt pushed her hand away. I’ll never forget the sad look on my mother’s face as she watched her sister count the pennies, nickels and dimes she retrieved from her purse.
When we got home from our vacation, my mother called her sister and told her where she hid some money in her house. It was the only way my mother could get her sister to accept financial help.
My wife sometimes reminds me of my aunt. She, too, can be fiercely independent. I often wonder if she’d seek help when needed, should something happen to me. That’s why I’ve tried to make life easier for her if she has to go it alone.
We’ve simplified our finances, hired a financial advisor, assigned beneficiaries to our retirement accounts, kept our trust updated, and created powers of attorney for health care and financial affairs.
I’ve also written down detailed information about our finances, including a list of all our bills and how they’re paid, as well as all the passwords for our online accounts. If she needs an electrician, plumber, handyman or even a pest control technician, I have a list of people she can call for help.
Most important, I told my wife the four-digit passcode to my cellphone, where she can find a treasure trove of information. I said to her, “Whatever you do, don’t cancel my cellphone right away when I die. It’ll be very helpful to you in the initial stages of navigating life without me.”
On my phone, I receive notifications by email and text message when our bills are due and when they’re paid. I’ve also set up reminders for when our major bills are coming due, such as all our insurance policies and property taxes. This way, she can plan ahead for large expenditures.
She can also use my phone to monitor our investment portfolio. I receive an email notification for every transaction made by our financial advisor.
Without my phone, my wife wouldn’t be able to access some of our online accounts that require two-factor authentication. That’s when, as part of the login process, a code is sent to your phone to verify your identity.
I know it’s impossible to provide answers to every question that my wife might have in my absence, but I can at least answer her two biggest ones: Where is all the money? And what bills need to be paid?
Dennis Friedman retired from Boeing Satellite Systems after a 30-year career in manufacturing. Born in Ohio, Dennis is a California transplant with a bachelor’s degree in history and an MBA. A self-described “humble investor,” he likes reading historical novels and about personal finance. Check out his earlier articles and follow him on X @DMFrie.
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Jerry,
Our public library has asked if I will put on a free class on End of Life preparations. I would definitely like to see any information you feel okay sharing concerning your class. I’m thinking of titling the class “If I’m Not Here”. What do you think?
Rick V
When I read about writing down a detailed listing of ones finances, my first reaction was, “But what if someone steals the listing?” I would highly suggest that one secures that list whether it is physically or digitally.
What stuck out to me and disappointed me was your friend Rick saying don’t pay her bill. What an insensitive clod. He wouldn’t be my friend much longer after that. Where is his empathy?
Surprised that 2 people disliked this comment and think Rick was right about lending a helping hand to someone in need, assuming the worst. WWJD?
One of my daughters got stuck while administering her mother’s estate. Her mother’s checking account – to which ALL of her mother’s incoming bills were directed for automatic payment – was suddenly closed by the bank. My daughter ended up paying out thousands of dollars of her own money before she found all of the documents; got all of the family releases signed and got court authorization to unfreeze the funds and transfer them to a new “The Estate of the deceased” account. All because her mother hadn’t told her where her Last Will and Testament was.
A poster several months ago mentioned a “death report” that I believe comes weekly from the Social Security Administration. The SSA is informed somewhere in the death-reporting process. Financial institutions subscribe to this report and shut down accounts of any customers with a matching registration. That could be any type of account with any financial institution.
So, be mindful of the clock once a death certificate is issued; and be sure that any critical payout account is safe from sudden closure.
I found that Social Security had debited my Dad’s checking account deposit before I informed him of his death. I was told one must live to the end of the month to maintain that month’s Social Security deposit.
Great article, Dennis. I’ve started a Word document located on my laptop and backed up on a jump drive strategically located in our house just in case. I go over this document periodically to make sure the “transition” will go smoothly. I’ve listed all bank and investments accounts, but also included the location of the car titles, safe deposit box keys, deeds, combinations/keys to various locks, home alarm codes…..anyway, you get the picture. I just imagine what my wife (or kids) will have to go through just to get by the mundane, day to day things we take for granted. We had some difficulty when our fathers passed, so I tried to learn from that. Keep up the good work.
At an older age now, I regularly send my attorneys phone # to my children with the instructions to call him first when I die, as he has the Will and an extensive letter of instruction.
The intro to my letter states the importance of keeping my phone and how to access it. In recent times I moved all of my accounts to Schwab for simplicity, instead of the scattergram it once was. Regarding bills, I’ve set them all to autopay with at least a year’s worth of money in the payment account so that the power and heat stay on in the house and the cell plan stays live until the estate settles. Minute but crucial maintenance details are listed, such as blowing out the irrigation system when winter is approaching. I’m also winnowing vast quantities of household goods to the benefit of the local library, charitable organization’s donor sites, etc. It seems unfair to lay that Herculean task in the lap of my busy children.
What a great post. Agree 100 percent about the small things I appreciate more now that I’m retired. And what a fantastic idea, I am definitely going to sit down with my hubby and go over where the money is and what bills need to be paid (and when). He is involved with our finances, but I think it would be great to get it written down in one spot.
My father sadly passed away this year at age 93. I’ve helped my mother retitle their joint accounts and transfer his individual accounts. Every major financial firm (Schwab, Fidelity, Citi) has staff that handle this regularly. They’re weirdly efficient at dealing with these issues. It helps to have many copies of a death certificate, trust documents, and the decedent’s basic info (SSN, birthdate, date of death) at hand to fill out the endless forms. But with that, the process can move relatively quickly.
Be sure to over-order on the death certificates from the funeral home. From what I gather, it can be a hassle if you later need more copies.
I tell everyone to get twice as many death certificates as the funeral home suggests. I needed one to cancel a magazine subscription.
Another wonderful article, Dennis. Everyone knows that I’m Linda, but did I ever mention that my daughter is Brenda? Sometimes people call us by the other one’s name and I’m sure that happens with your cousins too. 😊
Linda, Thanks for reading my article. Yes, having two cousins named Linda and Brenda can be confusing.
And my Brenda was named after my favorite comic strip character, Brenda Starr. She and Winnie Winkle were amazing career women role models long before the Feminist Movement of the late 60’s and early 70’s.
Great article Dennis. I’ve got the account listing and access figured out, but not the bills and how they are paid. Again, another great HD article and more work to do!
Good point, Patrick. Need to make sure my hubby knows HOW different bills are paid. Thanks for mentioning it.
Dennis is a triple threat: a great writer. a great guy. provides solid advice. I like all his contributions.
I second that!
Mike, Thanks for the kind comments, very much appreciated.
I agree keeping the phone for a while is useful. A few years back I changed my phone pin to my wife’s pin so she’d automatically have access to my phone if I pass first. Since then she’s used it a bunch of times to get to something. One less thing to worry about.
My wife and I know each other’s pin and don’t use fingerprint access for the reasons Denis notes. We have no need to keep our pins secret from each other, as we don’t keep secrets between us (at least that I know of). That may be one of the reasons we’ve been married for over 40 years.
Usually when fingerprint access doesn’t work they then ask for the pin
Thanks for the great reminder – especially about keeping the phone service. I need to update my summary. My wife and sons know to look for the folder, which is labeled “When I Croak”. My sons think it’s funny, but wife – not so much
My info is in a file titled “Time’s Up”. Like you, my wife doesn’t find it all that amusing…
I’m glad you paid for that lady. Very nice. Being financially independent means you get to do WHATEVER you want with your money. Enjoy that freedom. You’ve earned it.
Dennis, thanks for a very thorough and thoughtful article. I’m impressed by your careful planning. I need to step up mine! I hope it’s many more years before your wife needs any of this.
I do a presentation on The Letter of Final Instructions to retirees. It is always well received. It covers everything people need to document for their loved ones to come behind them due to death or incapacitation. I have done it about 10 times. I have always thought that I was preaching to the choir. But my last zoom presentation was to about 300 people. We asked the question, on a scale of 1 to 5, 1 being not started and 5 being complete, where are you? 190 people responded, and only 3 responded with a 5. Less than half were a 3. Wow! That was an eye opener.
Jerry,
Do you provide this information for free, or is it paid attendance? Any chance you could announce your presentation to HD readers a few weeks in advance? I bet participation from us would be quite high.
The presentations have been to members of the NC Govt Retirees, which has about 60k members. Not sure if others can participate, but I will ask.
Or perhaps Jerry could write an article for HD….
I concur!
Chuck Jaffe regularly writes and talks about his “heart attack” letter to his family. https://www.seattletimes.com/business/have-the-financial-talk-in-case-of-sudden-death/
My wife and I have the same passcode on our phones and can open each other’s phone with our Face ID (can be set for two faces). I don’t need personal privacy from her. And we both use Dashlane for our password manager. So much simpler and safer than writing them down or memorizing codes.
Jonathan, I can do that but would want to retain copyright of the material as I am considering writing a book based upon the excellent feedback I have received. My presentation has been about “what” people need to document, and I get a lot of questions about “how” to do that. The presentation is about 30 minutes, but adding the “how” would greatly expand it.
I am not sure I can get it all in one article. Let me see what I can do.
You’re probably right. I’ve amassed a lot of material because I keep hearing from my female friends that they’ll let their advisor take care of everything. I wonder if he/she knows that? I’m thinking of putting the material in a section of my newsletter.
That would be great. If you want to discuss it further via email, shoot me a message at Jonathan(at)jonathanclements.com.
Highly detailed planning is great. For those who plan less, the estate lawyer, armed with a death certificate, can usually access all accounts.
Thank you Dennis for an important “to do list” reminder. The two questions of where is our money and how do you pay the bills are ones that my wife has asked me. I’ve made notes to myself to make a list of the things that you’ve mentioned. Hopefully I do it this weekend
Good points about the phone Dennis. It seems much key information is on our phones and iPADS. That passcode is critical to reach so many important resources.
Yep. My wife and I currently set up accounts to allow a choice of her phone or email or mine for verification. But some sites don’t have that option.