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MY WIFE IS OUT OF town for a while, so I have a lot of free time on my hands. I asked Carl, an old schoolmate, if he’d like to have lunch. I thought it would be a chance to give Carl a couple of copies of the HumbleDollar book, My Money Journey.
I didn’t think Carl would actually read the essay I wrote, let alone the whole book. Carl is like most of my friends; they’re not interested in reading about money. But he knows lots of folks, and I thought he might find someone who’d like to read about how 30 people found financial freedom.
Meanwhile, my wife left for six weeks to visit her mother. She’s giving her brother a much-needed break from taking care of their mother. I wasn’t able to accompany Rachel on this trip for various reasons. Her mother is going to be 99. She’s still mobile and coherent. I hope Rachel has her mother’s good genes.
I told Rachel to take the opportunity to ask her mother lots of questions. She asked, “What kind of questions?” The kind of questions I wish I’d asked my mother: Who is the elderly man in the painting that hung outside her bedroom, and who painted his portrait? Where did she get the Chinese vase with the Chinese writing on the bottom? Where did she buy the cornmeal for her cornbread?
I was so involved in my mother’s finances, health care and daily activities, and yet I wish I’d taken the time to ask her more questions about the smaller details of her life. Those types of questions may not seem important at the time, but they somehow become more meaningful when the person who has all the answers is gone.
For now, I’m a bachelor for six weeks. Carl asked how it feels to be on my own. It feels a little uneasy. I remember my mother used to say to me, “I never worried about anything when your father was alive.” No matter how many times I told my mother there’s nothing to worry about and that I’ll always be there for her, I realized my father was the only one who could truly soothe her nerves.
I now realize my wife has that same calming effect on me. I, too, find it comforting to know I have a life partner who’s there for me when I need help. It’s something all the money in the world can’t buy. But as my mother found out, it becomes more elusive as we grow older.
I was quickly reminded how important it is to have that special someone in your daily life. When I went for a physical exam, the doctor said it was time for my colonoscopy. I knew getting the test performed wouldn’t be a problem. I have Rachel, when she returns, to be my designated driver for the procedure—one less thing to worry about.
As much as I write about the importance of staying in touch with your friends after you retire, I’m guilty of not always doing so. Having lunch with Carl reminds me how valuable the friends in my life are.
Carl lost his wife about a year before their planned retirement date. They had intended to do a lot of traveling in retirement, so they bought a full-size pickup truck and a camper trailer. After her death, he had no desire to travel, and sold the truck and trailer. But I always thought Carl was well-adjusted in how he was able to move forward with his life after Karen’s death. Over lunch, he let me in on their little secret.
“My wife left me the greatest gift anyone could ask for,” he said. “She allowed me to have another life. She was the type of person who liked hanging around the house. She enjoyed reading and watching a movie in the evening. I’m not like that. But she was okay with me participating in softball, volleyball and other activities, where I made many friends. She never objected. As a result, when she passed away, I had friends and activities to help me cope with my grief and loss.”
He went on, “Not too long after my wife’s passing, I went to play softball. When the umpire saw me, he said, ‘What are you doing here? Didn’t your wife pass away recently?’ I told him I needed to be here with my friends and playing ball keeps me busy. It makes me feel better. It helps me deal with my loss. He nodded his head and understood why I was there.”
A few days later, I received a phone call from Carl. He told me he liked the piece I wrote for My Money Journey and was reading the other essays in the book. In fact, he was going to give the other copy of the book to his friend’s daughter. She’s getting married and he thought the book offered important lessons that would be helpful for a couple starting a life of their own. Lessons like buying a reasonably priced home, investing in broad-based index funds—and not delaying all your dreams until retirement.
Dennis Friedman retired from Boeing Satellite Systems after a 30-year career in manufacturing. Born in Ohio, Dennis is a California transplant with a bachelor’s degree in history and an MBA. A self-described “humble investor,” he likes reading historical novels and about personal finance. Check out his earlier articles and follow him on Twitter @DMFrie.
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Just a beautiful, well-written story. Carl’s tale could have been the basis for a George Jones song.
Make sure you have passwords to all that matters. Not that it’s a big deal but my late wife left behind a laptop that is useless w/o the pasword.
To say your wife “left you the greatest gift…” is pushing it a bit. Yes, I believe she would want you to be happy but finding that happiness so late in life, finding a sense of purpose, is not so easy. I was 61 last year when my wife passed at age 66 and while I’ve met several women, it’s not so quick to re-establish a meaningful relationship.
And I agree about finding out some things about family history. At some point, there is nobody anymore that knows the details.
Perfect article
“I was so involved in my mother’s finances, health care and daily activities, and yet I wish I’d taken the time to ask her more questions about the smaller details of her life.”
Thanks for saying this!
There’s a photo of my mom and her older sisters when she was a toddler, given to me a couple decades after my mom passed away. It sits on my desk.
I would have loved to have seen it earlier so it could have been the lead into a remembrance for her and me.
“Tell me about this day. Why are you barefoot? Was there a strong breeze? Is this the barn near your house? Is the chair from your kitchen?”
Though not the focus of your article, I think the advice to ask parents/older family members about small things is very good advice.
I think this because my grandmother had a large, framed photo in her house of a woman circa early 1920s or perhaps slightly earlier. The woman is more or less dressed as a flapper–a large somewhat floppy broanbrimmed hat, scandalously short hair, bare shoulders, bedecked with ribbons. this was a commercial photo, but not of any relation. It was a random woman.
My grandmother’s family were Kentucky coal miners and they moved west when she was an infant. On one leg of the journey they traveled by stagecoach. The kind pulled by horses. Her parents were essentially Victorian-era people, and they raised her that way. She was upright, in an old-fashioned sense of the word, and though not grim, firmly believed that if it was daylight on a day not named Sunday, you needed to be working at something useful, and you should work hard and fast and keep working until the job was done and then go right on to the next job. A very no-nonsense woman.
The photo seemed out of character. So one day I asked her about it. She said “Oh, it was on a box of chocolates that someone gave me when I was young. I saved it because I thought she looked so glamourous.” Then she gave me a completely out of character sly smile. To my knowledge she had never in her life worn a dress that exposed her own shoulders. I had the strong impression the “someone” was before my grandfather was in the picture.
The brief exchange added a certain dimension to who I thought my grandma was. Grandma died in the late 1980s. The photo is in my livingroom now.
a very charming story, David. A mysterious woman has a natural feminine radiance. A sense of mystery makes us all want more.
A very pleasant morning read; thank you for that. Reading it a thought occurred that I want to share with you. It’s probably already occurred to you, but I wanted to share it just in case it hadn’t so please read it in the spirit it was intended. For myself, these days I struggle to find gifts for my wife to show my appreciation as we both pretty much have everything we want, so I look for unexpected opportunities to surprise her. This sounds like such an opportunity for you. I don’t know what would make sense for your wife, but it seems like you’ve got a 6 week window to do a few things for her she might not be expecting. Maybe having dinner delivered, or a home massage. I’m sure you know better than me what she’d like. Just thought I’d mention it.
Lovely article. One point, unless you are at high risk, consider Cologuard instead of signing up for a colonoscopy. The US is the only country using colonoscopy as the first line of defense, and it is because it is so profitable for the doctors and clinics involved.
I discuss the pros and cons of colonoscopy versus Cologuard with my patients. I caution them that not all commercial health insurance companies pay for Cologuard. However, it has been my experience that all Medicare plans pay for it. The out-of-pocket cost is between $600 and $700 per the Cologuard reps that come to our office.
While the colonoscopy (or “snake light” as a patient called it) may be profitable, it is one of the best cancer screening tools that we currently have available. Due to the increased incidence of colon cancer in younger people, the guidelines were changed a few years ago to start screening at 45 rather than 50. If Cologuard comes back positive you will be getting the snake light.
If your insurance company pays for Cologuard for screening, it may be a different scenario if the Cologuard test is positive. This means that you will need a “diagnostic” colonoscopy and this may be more expensive with your health insurance provider.
I checked the recommendations for England (again). If you have Chron’s Disease, ulcerative colitis or adenomas you get a colonoscopy. Otherwise, from 60 to 74 (soon to be 50 to 74 apparently) you are offered a faecal immunochemical test every two years, and can request a test every two years after 74. Situation doesn’t seem to be much different in Australia.
Why, other than all that lovely money, would guidelines be different in the US? Fecal occult tests and Cologuard are relatively cheap and non-invasive. Colonoscopy is expensive, invasive, requires unpleasant prep and some form of sedation and has a non-zero risk of injury. It may also (see my comment below) negatively affect the microbiome.
Of course, if I had a positive Cologuard test I would have to consider colonoscopy, but otherwise, no.
(And before you ask why someone on Medicare cares about costs, I would point out that our premiums have to cover 25% of Medicare’s costs. We all pay for those expensive colonoscopies.)
I agree with this. My mother, who is over 80, told me years ago that she’d never had a colonoscopy and did the Cologuard thing instead. There’s no family history of colon cancer, and I don’t have any symptoms, so I asked my doctor, who agreed without hesitation. I’ve done it twice now, four years apart (should have been three, but COVID delayed a lot of things), and it couldn’t be easier or more straightforward.
People who do have risk factors should have colonoscopies, which are the gold standard. In fact, someone who has a condition such as ulcerative colitis needs one much more frequently than the standard ten-year suggestion. I have a family member with UC who has a colonoscopy every 2-3 years.
I elected Cologuard in lieu of a colonoscopy the last time I needed that cancer screening. While my combined Medicare and Medigap coverages made the differential cost between the procedures irrelevant to me, my decision was based on my health factors. For those taking a blood thinner for life the colonoscopy procedure means being off the blood thinner regimen for a period where you are exposed to a clotting event. Without a history or symptoms requiring a second colonoscopy made Cologuard testing a good alternative for me. Each of us have our own unique medical needs so the basis of my decision should not be yours.
Asking your doctor is key advice to me in making an informed decision on how to test for this cancer. Getting appropriately tested to detect a cancer before it reaches stage 4 is a matter of life or death.
Maybe having a Cologuard test now would be the special gift Dennis could give his wife if he is among the approximate 1/3 of Americans over age 50 that have procrastinated in getting a colorectal cancer screening if that is an appropriate test for him.
Yes. Not only is the procedure extremely lucrative for the practitioners, while potentially risky for the patients, the prep, which is unpleasant, may wipe out the microbiome we are supposed to be cultivating. When I came back from Thailand with a stomach bug that didn’t succumb to Cipro, my PCP required me to have a colonscopy before she prescribed anything else. No problem found, but the bug went away. If the prep can kill bad bugs, presumably it can kill good ones too.