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I’ve been thinking about family dynamics and how they affect financial decisions, and this will be the first of several posts on various applications of this topic.
This first one is a hard one to talk about: It’s family estrangement, specifically a family member(s) going “no contact” with or otherwise walking away from other family member(s). It’s not as unusual as you might think–there is growing research on the topic, and some estimate that more than 30% of American families have an estranged family member. The reasons for this alarming trend are sociologically complex.
One expert on the topic is psychologist Joshua Coleman, who’s written a couple of books and many articles based on insights from his own practice and his research. He notes that while about half of the estrangement situations happen for reasons we’d all consider legitimate (e.g., clearly abusive behavior), others are harder to peg, and what one adult child might consider a “toxic” on the part of their parents might be incomprehensible to their sibling.
As I said, it’s complicated. Sometimes, according to Coleman, the estranged family members might find a way back to each other. In other cases, the person is (most likely) gone forever.
The question arises as to the implications estrangement has for one’s estate. Coleman urges parents with an estranged adult child not to cut them out of their will, arguing that this will just exacerbate an already painful situation. However, others might argue that if a family member has chosen to exit the family, causing pain by so doing, they are no longer entitled to family resources–and including them in an estate plan might even seem or be disrespectful to other family members who have been hurt by their actions.
I’ll be vague, but we have an estrangement situation in my extended family. One relative decided to rewrite their will to exclude the estranged family member. A different relative decided not to exclude them. There are a lot of hard feelings within the family about this person’s abandonment of people who love them. Some have even said that they wouldn’t be welcome at a funeral or memorial service, having chosen to opt out of the deceased person’s life while they were still with us.
One thing we’ve learned from consulting with an estate attorney: If someone wants to exclude a close family member from an inheritance, they have to specifically state that in the will. Just leaving them out isn’t adequate.
What is your experience with or observation about family estrangement and specifically its impact on estate planning or other family resource allocations?
There’s columnist on the MarketWatch site called The Moneyist who people write to for advice in financial matters. By my very rough estimate, about half the queries are about inheritances, and most everyone who writes in feels like they are getting screwed – go figure. And the money involved is rarely even significant much less life changing. It’s all about the emotions. As this is also a financial site, seems to me it’s worth noting that the best approach in life is to chase your own financial success and ignore chasing or expecting someone else’s money. It’ll just make you unhappy & disappointed.
Dana – I’m gone for a week and find this juicy posting! I have neither the time nor the energy to reply in depth right now. After a number of fraught years, we believe a future or at least potential family estrangement has been resolved/addressed within the last two months. While I feel relief, I’m also concerned for the potential emotional burden that cascades to other relatives, as this involves the end of a family member’s marriage.
I’m glad to hear the situation is resolving, but it sounds complicated, as family dynamics often (always?) are.
Since estate matters are all governed by state laws, be careful with comments in a discussion as this. I heard a MD attorney say on a radio show that an ostracized relative (or anyone else) should never be mentioned in a will because it gives the person standing in court even though their reference is negative. That gives them a foot in the door to at least create an annoyance so legal cost and delay. Regardless of the state, consider adding a phrase about carefully considering who would and not be an heir so those included and excluded have been carefully chosen – so specifically not naming the bum. Also note that probate courts tend to be “courts of equity” vs rigid, so if concerned about this issue, one might consider using a revocable trust for holding assets since following a Trust is not subject to probate. It is unfortunate we cannot say what we want and why without potential adverse consequences, but such is the case.
Would like to emphasize George’s point, which is key: estate matters are all governed by state laws, so take care when receiving estate planning advice. Estate laws and probate characteristics vary widely between the states.
For example, ours (WA) is a community property state (one of nine). WA is an outlier in how it handles probate, usually taking less than a week. Most probate timelines average 6-24 months in other states. Some states, like South Dakota or Nevada, have very trust-friendly laws. WA has an estate tax with a painfully low exclusion ($2M), not indexed for inflation (ouch), and no portability without using trusts; many other states have no such tax.
With respect to handling relatives excluded in an estate’s distribution decision tree, our will covers such broadly and generically at the very outset, in a No Contest clause under Article 1 (Family); it begins like this:
If any beneficiary under this Will, or any other person, in any manner, directly or indirectly, opposes, contests, or attacks this Will, any of its provisions, the administration or distribution of my estate, or the estate of any trust created hereunder, files a tortious interference claim, or aids in doing any of the above acts, then any share or interest provided for such person under this Will, or by order of any court, is hereby revoked and shall be distributed in the manner provided herein as if such contesting person had predeceased me.
In other words: if you mess with my will, you’re dead to me. Later language makes two narrow, reasonable allowances which would be hard to exploit with bad intent.
I don’t have many close relatives, just a brother and a sister. I opted not to leave my brother anything in my will because he’s already in assisted living and any significant inheritance could affect his VA benefits. Instead, I’ve included some money for my sister as a beneficiary of my Roth IRA that she can use to help support him if needed.
I’ve asked my sister not to leave any significant amount to me in her will, I’m not sure if she has. Neither of us is likely to outlive our money in any case. If my brother dies before I do, I’ll redirect most of that money in my IRA to charities instead. She’s also included in my will for relatively modest amounts.
I was aware about having to specifically disinherit relatives. It may depend on state law but the respected elder law attorney who drew up my will didn’t suggest specifically disinheriting my brother even though he knew about the situation. I assumed that was because my brother would have no legal claim on my estate anyway. I didn’t really want my filed will to say that I was disinheriting him. Since my brother is in assisted living and I have his POA with my sister as the alternate, there wouldn’t be anyone to file suit anyway.
Yeah, I’m guessing it depends on the relative. We have siblings, but I don’t think they’d have a stronger claim on our estate than our children would.
For initial planning purposes I’m comfortable saying there is no state that provides equivalency to layers of relatives. Instead there is a pecking order of succession, so if no one is in the first layer then it goes to the next, etc. Your siblings would never have parity with your children. This all pertains to there being no will (intestate).There are laws that protect spouses and minor children regardless of what is in a will.
Having been involved in some will writing issues in this area, the feelings of justice or injustice about a will go on forever. They don’t dissipate over time, and they can hurt. They also cause family schisms to harden. If you decide to disinherit someone, try to find a way to soften the blow. For example, you can state that a person is already well provided-for by his or her own family situation. Or you can state that you had to weigh many considerations, and they led you to include A and B relative, but not X and Y relative. You can also find softer justifications for widely varying financial bequests, though you really don’t need them. Try to say something nice and avoid negative language. There is really no reason to rub it in in most cases. You will be remembered by how you elect to handle this stuff.
If we decide to not reward a deadbeat then we should be remembered for making a wise decision.
That seems unnecessarily harsh. Having a falling out with a family member has no necessary connection with being a deadbeat.
If not a deadbeat then perforce my comment would not be applicable.
This is very true. While being profligate with money might be one reason to limit or exclude someone’s participation in an estate, it’s hardly the only reason for family estrangement. Dr. Coleman, whom I mentioned in my post, notes that families with divorces/remarriages/stepchildren, etc., can be extremely prone to estrangement. This was true in my own family of origin. My father and new stepmother pretty much wrote me and my sister out of their lives for a couple of years due to a conflict over their wedding plans. Later, my brother was estranged from my father for five years, again over stepmother-related issues. He visited our dad in the hospital the week before Dad passed, but that was the first and last time. It was all very painful and difficult and hard to deal with at the time.
My husband’s father and stepmother disinherited him after I was a bit too candid with them about politics at the end of a family lunch. I’d bitten my tongue and ignored their baiting (and her grandson’s baiting) for years, but one day after three straight hours of it over lunch, I finally lost my temper. And that was that. Nearly 40 years of relationship (in my case), and a lifetime of being a caring and respectful son in my husband’s case—none of that mattered. I suspect that my husband’s stepmother was looking for a reason to cut out my husband and his sister, anyway, and I gave them the excuse she’d been waiting for. They left everything to her daughter and grandchildren.
Well said.
Dana, Your posting on estrangements in families stirred up a lot of emotions for me. My mother was estranged from her family and my father, whom she never married, was not in my life. She avoided answering any questions about her family my whole life, but some things she said led me to believe that her biological family was fairly “well off.” I never knew what caused the break with her family and I never met a single relative of either parent. It almost felt like I was adopted but without the benefit of extended family usually gained through an adoption. I’m reminded of this every time I fill out medical forms that ask about family history. I assume that my mother was written out of any will or estate plan of her parents as our impoverished living situation never seemed to improve until I began working during my school years. Of course moving over 20 times in 7 years to new towns (and subsequent new schools) due to one of her husband’s inability to hold a job probably didn’t help if anyone had had any interest in locating her.
One of the things I am most grateful for in my current (and mostly happy life) is the abundant love that my daughters have experienced from their extended family on their Dad’s side. And my grandchildren even have great aunts who they are able to visit a few times a year.
That’s very sad, Jan. I’m sorry to hear that you had to grow up without those family connections and happy to hear that your in-laws were able to provide it for your kids. People with tight-knit, healthy families don’t understand sometimes how much other people can miss out on.
Oh — I just re-read my reply and fear it came across a bit maudlin. I do appreciate your kind words, Dana. It was all so long ago and I gained so much from that experience. I developed resilience, independence, a deep curiosity about and desire to understand human behavior and an unwavering commitment to break the cycle of poverty. There is some truth to the adage that what doesn’t kill you, makes you strong. And my past has lost most of its sting and feels much like a story to me that I’ve shared with my children to help them understand that we can’t assume what other people’s stories are by appearances.
I always enjoy your writings and look forward to reading more of them.
Thanks, Jan!
I was estranged from my mother for the last 25 years of her life. My decision was made to protect my son and husband from further, escalating abuse. I know my decision was the healthiest thing for my family.
Every familial estrangement is personal. Consider another view. My decision was done with the understanding that I would experience regret and emotional pain.
My children grew up without an extended family because of my decision. I was never able to resolve the abuse I grew up with. I watched my sister suffer and become a broken woman because she was unable to get out from under my mother’s grasp. I have had to sift thru and establish extremely difficult boundaries to maintain the protection my immediate family deserved. I have lived the rest of my life knowing that my extended family was extremely critical of me for not meeting my “obligations” to my mother.
My mother left me out of her will. I didn’t expect anything different. The value of her estate was not significant. But I can tell you this, all the money in the world would not have bought me any more peace of mind. And it probably would have been a constant reminder of the damage she did to me and mine.
That sounds very hard but also like you did the right thing for yourself.
I didn’t really realize it until after my father died, but he rarely talked about his childhood. His mother died when he was 7 and my grandfather, who he wasn’t particularly close to, was the only relative on that side who I had ever met. My grandfather’s family appears to have been very close until sometime when my father was young and then my grandfather and all his siblings seem to have stopped talking to each other. I later met 3 of my father’s cousins who didn’t remember him, even though their father was my grandfather’s twin. They had even lived in the same duplex as the family of one of my father’s uncles on his mother’s side.
I also found from my father’s insurance papers that he had had polio as a child. I still don’t know any specifics. My mother said that she had guessed it but they had never discussed it.
Our own family was fairly harmonious, nobody ever shouted. My mother got along well with her family, but she was much younger than most of her relatives because she wasn’t born until her parents were past 40.
i have seen a lot of strife and estrangements based on widowhood and unusual estate divisions in in-law and friend families: one father with cancer thought it was best to help out the second younger generation and divided up his estate among his grandchildren—this left an unmarried daughter who had no children furious and estranged; I have seen a stepmother take a family farm away from the adult children operating the farm with their estrangement; I saw a widowed father remarry and have him and his wife be rejected by the adult children even though she only had a living will which passed their house eventually to the children and his investments went to the children—they just couldn’t cope with the loss of their mother.
My parents got divorced when I was 30, and my father pretty quickly remarried. It was my stepmother’s third marriage. She resented any reminders of my father’s life before her and did everything she could to distance me, my kids, and my siblings from my dad over the final years of his life (they were married 7.5 years before he passed). I never her saw her again after my dad’s memorial service, and she passed away a few years back. He left his estate all to her.
I’m guessing that your situation caused by what sounds like your stepmother’s insecurities was a painful time for you and which probably only worsened with your father’s decisions around his will/estate plan. I’m sorry you experienced that, Dana.
It is complicated. Whatever you decide, and I vote for all to receive equal shares. No one knows what goes on the inside of one’s mind, so keep it simple. That has worked out best for our family.
Something else to consider, your role as an executor. I was asked to be executor of a couple’s wills. The couple had a few kids and were leaving all the assets to only one of the kids. I turned that one down. I figured there was too much potential for conflict with me at the center of it. I didn’t even ask what the fee might have been.
We actually have a fiduciary named as our executor—not because of an estrangement situation but because we’ve structured our trust in a way that certain family members might not be happy about. I didn’t want to impose that fraught dynamic on another family member, so our estate will pay an objective third party to handle it.
Money Can’t Buy Love – A real life example.
My father-in-law spent decades at sea, away from his eight kids. It was his merchant ship that brought the family to America for a new life of freedom. The emotional distance between him and his children – except my wife – never closed while he was alive. Though he left them equal shares of his modest savings, and even after my wife sent each sibling $15,000 and notified them of his terminal condition, their relationships didn’t change. The checks seemed to reinforce their stories that he loved only one daughter – my wife.
Money may build wealth, but relationships are built on emotional connection over time.
Dr. Lefty, we had this situation with my family. I’m the youngest of six, and my 3rd sister, by birth order, estranged herself from the family in the early 1980s. I haven’t seen her since. Right now, all I know is that she’s alive and about where she lives. Regardless, my father gave her an equal 1/6 share of his estate through a revocable living trust (my mother passed away in 1981). Shortly before my father passed at the age of 95, in 2014, my estranged sister returned a call but refused to visit him before he died. When notified of the funeral she refused to attend. When asked where to send the inheritance, she responded very quickly and gave an address. Amongst my siblings we didn’t talk about the money, we just continued to marvel at her stubbornness. Simply put, she thought she was treated differently than her 5 siblings causing her to deeply resent our parents and the rest of us. Here are my personal thoughts on the situation. First, I thought my father treating her the same was an incredible gesture of fairness and unconditional love. I have a great deal of respect for his decision. Secondarily, with regards to the money, I view the money as his, not mine. He earned it, I didn’t. It was his decision, not mine. Although I always expected a 1/6 share (and it was a modest amount), I never considered it owed to me. I think my siblings all felt pretty much the same and the whole matter was handled very calmly. One thing is for certain, when people pass in families, especially a patriarch or matriarch, the true character of your relatives will show. Good luck!
I think your attitude is the best one: It’s not my money, and it’s not my place to decide whether my estranged sibling deserves an inheritance. I can imagine other siblings (not necessarily yours but in any family) not feeling quite as gracious, though—we’ve been here and Sibling hasn’t; Sibling’s caused all of us pain, so why are they being rewarded for their bad behavior? Again, if it’s not my money, then it’s not my business, but I can see how the feelings would be complicated.
Dr, I understand your feelings on this. In my case, my wayward sister didn’t really cause us pain, she just had nothing more to do with us. There is a huge difference.
“Secondarily, with regards to the money, I view the money as his, not mine. He earned it, I didn’t.”
This was my statement to my father when we were trying to convince my parents to move into assisted living. I told him he should spend my inheritance making his life easier as he was caring for my mother with Alzheimer’s for what turned out to be about a decade. He eventually relented but never really integrated into the community as my mother required too much supervision, and soon after they entered the facility he lost his communicative abilities. What a shame.
A shame indeed, but you probably have no regrets. My Dad asked me about a reverse mortgage many years ago. I said it was up to him, it was his money, all the while knowing it would spend our inheritance–what little there was. He decided against it because of the fees, and I think because he knew of the overall effect it would have.
Absolutely—care for yourself rather than preserving a potential inheritance. That’s a gift to your loved ones, as well—the gift of knowing you’re cared for and safe and not having your heart in your throat every time the phone rings. We went through similar dynamics with my mother-in-law and her husband (she also had Alzheimer’s). It can be downright traumatic.
We are going through this now with Spouse’s mom. It is definitely traumatic. Agree with you, Dana. Chris
I’ve mainly come across estrangement in the context of step families but occasionally in the context of divorce where one parent has been overly manipulative even with adult children.
Trying not to be sexist but I have seen the stepmother archetype play out a couple of times e.g. when a family friend was widowed, remarried a couple of years later and stepmother immediately stopped him spending for his adult children’s (& grandkids’) benefit, though he was expected to help support her own adult daughter. Needless to say at least one of his kids stopped attending family events (justifiably IMV) while she was still alive.
I don’t think money was the real issue in that partial estrangement rather personality issues and all was mended eventually.
Inheritances can be fraught situations where individuals worst character traits can emerge. I think I’d always advise erring toward a straight down the middle split without favour or discrimination unless siblings etc already agree among themselves that one should get a disproportionate amount (perhaps because of life circumstances or sacrifices made in caregiving).
I asked my mom to please leave extra to my sister who had been caring for her for at least five years at the time. I was very happy to find, when she died another five or so years later, that she had taken my advice. My brother and I are eternally grateful to my sister. Definitely no hard feelings on our part.
I agree that a straight-up split should be the default approach, but as you note, there can be complicating or extenuating circumstances. A special needs adult comes to mind. But I don’t like the perspective, that, hypothetically, a sibling who’s worked hard and been responsible should get less inheritance because their younger brother dropped out of college to go touring with his band, so he “needs” a bigger inheritance.
I must admit I was thinking more of the special needs or perhaps an unsupported single parent.
I agree that fecklessness shouldn’t necessarily be rewarded but I’m sure there are cases where among siblings there are those who are successful enough in their own careers and investments that an inheritance would not make much of a difference while it may be lifechanging to one that has worked in perhaps more modest public service jobs.
At the very least I could see it be worth a family conversation – it may be that responsible heirs might prefer a bigger sum going to a feckless one to relieve them of future moral burden of bailing out the feckless.
This is such a good topic and I look forward to your subsequent posts. My dad’s family had a history of people leaving specific nieces or nephews out of their wills for no obvious reasons. It caused a lot of pain. Different stories about the reasons proliferated. This taught me that it’s better to resolve differences when possible and not to try to punish people after you’re gone. Protecting children from spendthrift parents is probably a good idea: a childless man skipped over his only niece but set up trusts for her children with limits on what the mother could use.
Thanks, Linda. You’re right that this can be insanely complicated and intensely painful.
We have an estrangement situation in our extended family. It is difficult and we don’t agree with what family members are doing via wills/trusts. But ultimately, it is their money and not ours. We have planned our finances not dependent on any inheritance. We figure there won’t be any after long term care. Chris
I’m sorry to hear that, Chris. We’ve been in the odd situation of being cut out of the wills of both of our dads, who left everything to our stepmothers. My mother has a long-term domestic partner, but she doesn’t have much money and, if anything, we could be helping her rather than receiving an inheritance from her.
I wrote an article last year about receiving an inheritance from my grandfather’s trust when I was in my 40s. He’d been gone for over 20 years by then, and the trust was set up to benefit his second wife, my step-grandmother, but then to us (my siblings and me) after she passed. We were aware that the trust existed but were not entitled to any information about it until we actually become the beneficiaries when she passed in 2005. So we never really knew what or when we might inherit, and it came as a happy surprise when it happened. It didn’t have to go that way.
Anyway, I think it’s always best to assume no inheritance and make your own financial plans without it.
Stepfamilies can make things harder for sure. Spouse’s stepsister was just awful when the stepfather died. Luckily Spouse’s mom and stepdad had a good estate plan, and he had bought life insurance to benefit his daughter many years before they were married. Chris
Dr, that’s what I did. I considered my inheritance as a gift, not part of anything planned or expected. Makes things much easier that way.
Family estrangement is indeed difficult to discuss and surprisingly common. I know it’s an issue for a number of my friends. In my case, my father was widowed when I was young and married again a few years later. He willed a portion of his estate to my stepmother (from whom I was estranged) and a portion held in trust for me and my younger half-siblings during my stepmother’s lifetime. When she died, 20 years after my father, my half-siblings and I received the portion from my father. I guess my half-siblings received whatever remained from my stepmother’s portion.
The hard part for me was not the estate planning; it was that avoiding my stepmother meant staying away from my dad, with only a few brief visits in 30 years. Later complications with one of the half-siblings led to further estrangements. Offsetting all that, I’ve always been innately happy and grateful for the good in my life.
My family, and my husband’s, have had a lot of divorces and remarriages. Both sets of my grandparents were divorced in the 40s (when that was still highly unusual), and all but my maternal grandmother remarried, so I grew up with steps, and half-aunts and uncles. My husband’s parents divorced when he was in high school, and mine divorced when I was 30.
When our fathers passed, they left their assets to their second wives, our stepmothers, so we were completely cut out. Those relationships with the stepmothers and my step-grandparents and half-aunts/uncles were mostly difficult and awkward. However, I will also say that my husband’s stepfather (his late mother’s second husband, to whom she was married for over 40 years), has been a wonderful father and grandfather figure. Even though my MIL is gone, he’s still family. Similarly, my paternal grandmother’s second husband was a lovely man who was good to my grandmother and kind to us, her grandchildren. So it isn’t always awful.
Tolstoy famously wrote, “All happy families are alike; each unhappy family is unhappy in its own way.” In my own family, my father had both a will and a trust, with my eldest brother as the sole trustee — but a few months before his passing, he transferred all his assets to another son, despite previously asking me to amend the trust and to manage the distribution after his death. He found comfort in his change of heart, setting aside his prior struggle of the mind with the legal and tax issues. It wasn’t about money. It was about emotion. He wanted to avoid being judged—especially by an estranged daughter, or by any of us who might have felt compassion toward her.
Estate planning may settle the legal questions, but it can’t resolve the emotional ones – especially those left behind.
I’ve come to believe that taking care of our own emotional well-being must come first. Only then can our estates reflect the story we truly live by. Family estrangement is often the story each person tells to ease the otherwise intolerable suffering of separation. Our minds are built to protect us -even with white lies – when the heart feels the pain and can never speak. The mind lays its story on a shore of pebbles – emotion tumbles them, softens their edges, and rearranges them into a new tale.
Perhaps the hardest part isn’t writing a will—it’s accepting that we can’t write the ending for everyone else’s story.
Very well said. These things can be truly heartbreaking. It really makes it clear not only that there are two sides to every story but also that it takes two to pursue reconciliation. Even if one person/side wants it, they can’t force the other party to engage. And sometimes the reasons for the situation are murky and unstated, so you’re left not just with your grief but with confusion and no satisfactory explanations.
Thanks for a thought-provoking post on a challenging subject. I’m familiar with a few estrangement situations with extended family and close friends. Several were able to be resolved after a number of years. The common denominator in the situations that were resolved is that one side maintained the high road and tried to do the right thing, even thought it was difficult. My wife and I have striped t show what a loving, caring family is, and provide a safe spot for family or friends who need it. This may not always work, but at least you know you have tried. I don’t understand people who take offense easily, and hold grudges. Why? Most of the time you are hurting yourself, or others you care for. Good luck with your situation.
My widowed brother who died two weeks ago did not have a will. He has three grown children. Have no idea what kind of mess there will be settling his estate.
Oh, man, that’s another can of worms. Estates can be so fraught, and money often brings out the worst in people. I’m sorry for your loss, Olin.
heartfelt condolences for the passing of your brother
Thank you! I enjoy reading everything you write on HD.
“If someone wants to exclude a close family member from an inheritance, they have to specifically state that in the will. Just leaving them out isn’t adequate.”
Presumably this doesn’t apply to named beneficiaries or transfer on death?
You would assume so about the beneficiaries (e.g., for retirement accounts or life insurance). But someone can always file a lawsuit about anything, and having the official language in the will, painful though it can be to articulate, is a hedge against expensive litigation.
I and my lone surviving brother are estranged from my sister. I won’t go into the reasons why here. I have informed my immediate family that it would be up to them if they even want to notify her of my death. Obviously it won’t matter to me at that point. I have told them whether she is invited to any gathering after my passing it is totally up to them. The consideration is whether they would feel my sister would make the gathering less “pleasant “, which she probably would.
I’m sorry to hear that, David. I was talking with my daughter recently about other family members’ pronouncement that “X” wouldn’t be welcome at Mom’s memorial when the time comes. My daughter said, “Would Grandma want X at her service?” I thought about it and said, “Yes, I think she would, if X wanted to come. She’d take that as a gesture of respect.” However, of course, Mom wouldn’t be at the service (except in spirit), so it raises the question of who the memorials are for—the living or the recently departed. I know I’d lean toward not upsetting the living at an already fraught moment.
What a sad and difficult situation, David. I think you’re wise to leave the decision about what happens upon your demise up to your family members.