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I’M DOING RELATIVELY well—and therein lies the problem. No, it isn’t the “doing well” part that’s the issue. Rather, the problem lies with that all-corrupting word “relatively.”
We’re constantly reminded of how we stack up against others. Early in life, that can be useful. If we aren’t cut out to be professional athletes, effective leaders, academic stars or market-beating investors—this last one would include almost all of us—it’s good to find that out, so we don’t spend countless years pursuing goals we’re unlikely to achieve.
But much of the time, this comparison stuff is a source of misery. Consider four benchmarks against which we measure ourselves.
Relative to our peers. Yes, we may have attended a more prestigious college and enjoyed more career success than others in our age cohort. But there will also be folks who have fared far better. The risk: We find ourselves disparaging some for the goals they didn’t achieve, while resenting others for the success they’ve enjoyed.
Neither contempt nor jealousy is admirable, and we’ll likely suffer a touch of shame for harboring either emotion—and deservedly so. Such comparisons can also leave us feeling worse about our own achievements, which is silly, because this ignores a crucial consideration. What price did the successful pay for their accomplishments? What bad luck hampered those who achieved less?
If we only take notice of the visible record of success or failure, we see just part of the story. The high achievers may have worked long hours and shortchanged other parts of their life, while the apparent laggards may have been handicapped by ill-health or the demands of family.
Relative to our friends, family and neighbors. As we cast a judgmental eye across those in our social circle, we’ll likely find ourselves pondering our financial standing relative to these folks—or, at least, as best we can ascertain it. At issue is the age-old pitfall of “keeping up with the Joneses,” with its insidious impact on both our spending and our sense of financial contentment.
Way too much spending seems to be driven by signaling, as folks attempt to telegraph their financial success to others. But, of course, such spending is the enemy of wealth accumulation, because it inevitably leaves us poorer. In fact, as we learned from The Millionaire Next Door and elsewhere, those who live modestly can have surprisingly impressive bank balances, while those who live large are often far less rich than they appear.
I fear that, when we compare ourselves to those around us, there’s another unfortunate effect: We’re less likely to engage in activities that we might enjoy, but which we simply aren’t good at. There are many things I’m mediocre or terrible at, including singing, bowling, drawing, cooking and dancing. But such things can be fun, even if we aren’t good at them, and yet fear of how we compare to others may stop us from even trying.
Relative to the market indexes. It’s hard to do a proper comparison between our portfolios and an appropriate market index, given the money that flows in and out of our financial accounts and our portfolio’s precise mix of stocks, bonds and other assets. For those who buy individual stocks and actively managed funds, this can be a drawback, because it can allow them to simply imagine they’re beating the market and thereby persist with their foolishness.
But if we do actually know how our investments are performing relative to “the market,” however defined, that can also be a drawback. How so? It assumes that our performance relative to the market is what matters, rather than, say, our results relative to what we need to meet our financial goals. The danger: Even if a more conservative strategy might ensure we have plenty for retirement and our other goals, we might continue to take high risk in pursuit of high returns—and potentially suffer a devastating reversal of fortunes.
Relative to how we fared earlier. At various points in our life, we peak—and, if we aren’t careful, we’ll spend the rest of our life looking back at those all-time highs.
I’ll never run another half-marathon at a sub-six-minute pace. I’m pretty sure no book I write will match the sales of my 2016 book, How to Think About Money, and I doubt I’ll ever again have that sense that I’ve got the world’s attention, which occurred the few times I appeared on national television. Even HumbleDollar may have peaked. The site garnered 510,000 pageviews this past February, and I’m not sure it’ll ever surpass that number.
If we aren’t careful, these high watermarks can be a source of grinding dissatisfaction. We run as fast as we can on what psychologists call the hedonic treadmill, but whatever success we enjoy provides only fleeting happiness, and that’s doubly so if today’s successes pale next to yesterday’s victories.
How can we avoid the pitfalls of comparison? I believe the solution lies in absolutes. We need to forget how we compare to others and to our own past, and instead set absolute goals for ourselves.
What are the career accomplishments that’ll allow us to proclaim victory? What net worth would we consider enough? If possible, we should set these goals far ahead of time and then write them down. That way, we may avoid the temptation to later move the goal posts, either because we see others doing better or because we grow disgruntled with our own achievements.
Jonathan Clements is the founder and editor of HumbleDollar. Follow him on Twitter @ClementsMoney and on Facebook, and check out his earlier articles.
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I think it has a lot to do with how your life measures up to your expectations. I had much more fun at work, made much more money and love my retirement vastly more than I ever expected. I imagine people whose life feels worse than they expected are the least happy. Me, I feel supremely fortunate and blessed.
Jonathan, I have another perspective to suggest: “Relative to the world.” I scold myself sometimes for worrying about my retirement nest egg while I’m better off than 90% of my fellow Americans (delivering for Meals on Wheels reminds me) and 99% of the world at large. We have homes, food, clean water, access to decent medical care. It’s so easy to forget how insanely lucky we are compared to most of humanity.
(Not to mention the 100 billion or so people who have lived their lives already through millennia in which the average human life span was about ten years.)
It also helps to be selective on the “fared earlier” comparisons. I just set a personal record on the bench press at 66, and I am enjoying that far more than is appropriate!
yes, this is what I was trying to get at in my comment below, being grateful for what we have because it’s often much more than what most people in the world have where approx. 700 million people live on less than $2.00 per day, if we check out websites such as Oxfam, Unicef etc. we can see the dire straits some people are in. Congrats on your new bench press record, you are doing better than many in this regard.
Your words touch on common destructive emotions that lead to like behaviors. Killing them off, or at least incapacitating them, is surely a key to finding happiness. Even if we are able to move past them by some measure in our own lives, we still have to muster up sufficient grace to deal with others still struggling through.
”this comparison stuff is a source of misery”
as my friend d. ramsey says, ”if ya don’t want to get bit,
don’t step over the snake”. as sentient beings, why would we
engage? travis mcgee asks it better, ”who’s looking over
your shoulder, who’s grading your paper? live your life. love your people.
be happy on your own terms.
Jonathan,
You mentioned never doing 6 minute miles again. First of all, congratulations for EVER having done that. I think that my wife and I have about 10 to 15 years of age on you, and one thing we are now realizing is that performance wise, we cannot keep up with ourselves from 1, 2 or 3 decades ago. We should be happy with this phrase from our Doctors, but we both hate hearing “For your age you’re doing pretty well!”. In fact, medically we are doing pretty well, but not as well as we used to be doing!
Jonathan, thanks for another great article.
I’m likewise surprised that HD page views may have peaked in February. From where I sit, it looks like a bunch of new and talented writers are contributing, and the Comments have boomed, both in number and usefulness.
As you suggest below, maybe there’s just a natural limit to the number of folks who appreciate common sense financial advice as opposed to the latest get-rich-quick scheme. I could even suggest that makes us HD loyalists an “elite” — except that might be yet another insidious comparison!
All great points. Fortunately, I am able to do a lot of what you say. I’m happy with what I’ve accumulated and don’t try to beat the market. The place I exercise at is 90% female (I am male), and average age is probably early 30’s. I cannot do what I did when young (72 now), and I don’t compare myself to anyone but me. I do it because I enjoy it and do not care what others think about it. I am surprised that many may not do what they like because they may not be as good as others. Who cares is my attitude.
I live like those in “The Millionaire Next Door” mainly because I have what I need (which is not a red convertible Corvette). I have a neighbor who just got a Porsche Carrera 911. It mostly sits in his driveway with a cover over it. Maybe it makes him happy.
But who doesn’t want a red Corvette? I always have!
I’d love a Corvette! Just not getting in and out of it…
Well written and interesting as always. Thanks, Jonathan. But one sentence just didn’t ring true: Neither contempt nor jealousy is admirable… There are things and ideas in this world that deserve contempt as defined as “beneath consideration or deserving scorn”. You always choose your words with care; this choice was an exception.
For those who have achieved professional or financial success, it might be time to “smell the roses” & enjoy life more before it passes you by. For those who haven’t fully achieved what they may consider to be professional or financial success, it’s futile comparing oneself to others, per Winston’s quote from Mark Twain below. “Comparison is the thief of joy.” There will always be people who have more or less than you or I. Cultivating a sense of gratitude helps, if we’re healthy, we can enjoy a nice walk in a beautiful park or the country or even sit out in the sun on a sunny day. This costs nothing if we’re healthy & can go outdoors.
“It Is Not How Much We Have, But How Much We Enjoy That Makes Happiness” – Charles Spurgeon.
I agree 100%. Gratefulness, and an “attitude of gratitude” are essential for happiness.
I’ve always maintained if you cannot count your blessings you truly don’t have any. And sadly so many people are in that category and never find contentment.
That was a fantastic article, and so vital in today’s ultra-competitive world.
“Comparison is the death of joy.”
It’s a great quote — but it seems Twain didn’t say it:
https://quoteinvestigator.com/2021/02/06/thief-of-joy/
Twain — along with Einstein, Confucius, Keynes and Winston Churchill — seems to be credited with all kinds of things he didn’t say or write.
Typical, I suppose.
It is a true sentiment though.
As your post points out extremely well!
Value can also be found by comparing oneself to those born disabled and the less fortunate.
Learning to lift those in need up can be a much better substitute than comparing oneself to another’s achievements.
What a great thought
Great article that really makes one realize how much of our value we place on comparing ourselves to others and to artificial measures of success.
I’ve resolved to no longer compare my own pitiful writing accomplishments to what you’ve done, Jonathan! 🙂
You’re too modest. For those who want to read a beautifully written book, check out Jim’s 2022 offering:
https://www.amazon.com/Long-Walk-Home-Corporate-Rediscovered/dp/173225673X/
Here is something that was emailed to me by a friend this morning. Just had to post it here in light of the coincidence.
A sparrow complained to Mother Nature, “You gave beautiful colors to the peacock and a lovely song to the wren, but I am plain and unnoticed. Why was I made to suffer?” “You were not made to suffer,” stated Mother Nature. “You suffer because you make the same foolish mistake as human beings. You compare yourself with others. Be yourself, for in that there is no comparison and no pain.
Great article and no matter how you judge yourself, you have been a big help to me!
I was right with you and doing fine until I got to that line about the sub 6-minute miles. Then it was like, “No, wait. Not only did he go to a better school, but he ran under 6 minutes for 13 miles?! I guess I’m back where I started.
Everything in “Absolutely Fine” is wise and true, but this especially resonated with me: “There are many things I’m mediocre or terrible at, including singing, bowling, drawing, cooking and dancing. But such things can be fun, even if we aren’t good at them, and yet fear of how we compare to others may stop us from even trying.”
Now in my 60s, it’s quite clear how I compare to others who made art, danced, acted, played piano, or cooked their whole lives, but knowing I will never catch up to them at this point has freed me to try things I haven’t done in years or never did. I call them “my indulgences,” something I had no time for when working all those years to compile my nest egg. Some of the results have been eye-rolling or amusing, but also liberating and fun!
Excellent article! A side thought – If we accept that we have peaked (as a consequence of age), perhaps we will feel a sense of balance, relatively, if we also engage in relative comparison to our future selves.
True, but we have to be careful about this too. For instance, don’t let anyone tell you that you can’t get stronger, add muscle, or lose weight after a certain age.
I hope that you will confine your singing to while in the shower : )
Great article as always.
Yes, the Clements males are notably devoid of anything that would be considered singing talent. Rhythm is also sadly lacking, along with hand-eye coordination and height. But at least we don’t go bald!
I have to agree with Marjorie. I have a copy of the Desiderata and am finally looking at it more often.
For many, the glass will always be half full (or at some level lower than what you want it to be) and these comparisons can either validate that or make you a bit more satisfied.
To me, the real question is “Why?” Why do you need to achieve a level of wealth that is greater than what you really need to be happy, to be able to do what you want, to feel secure, and to know that you are prepared for your later years?
If you are chasing something that goes far beyond that, it is a chase I won’t really understand, especially if you are making personal and family tradeoffs to do so.
The power of now. Author Eckhart Tolle
Jonathan..after reading your soul searching article these thoughts from “Desiderata” by Max Ehrmann, came to mind:
“Go placidly amid the noise and the haste.
Enjoy your achievements as well as your plans.
Keep interested in your own career— It is a real possession in the changing fortunes of time.
Beyond a wholesome discipline be gentle with yourself.
Whether or not it is clear to you, the universe is unfolding as it should.
whatever your labors and aspirations, in the noisy confusion of life, keep peace with your soul.”
Reach for the stars.
Beautiful. Thanks for introducing me to this.
Linda…if you google Desiderata you can find it in its entirety. It is, indeed, beautiful and serene. Thank you.
Another well-written, thought-provoking article, Jonathan. But how could HumbleDollar have peaked when you and others are publishing such stellar material on this site? A week ago, an article (Guns to Stethoscopes) exceeded 200 likes for the first time.
HumbleDollar’s readership is very engaged, hence the likes and all the comments. But the audience for sensible financial advice is very small, as anybody with a brother-in-law can attest.
Same for sensible weight loss and fitness advice. When I tell people I ate less and moved more to lose weight, they lose interest. They want to hear about a magic trick. (There was a bit more to it, but not really that much.)
You hit on something there. Most people are aware of what Warren Buffett advises people to do, when asked how they should invest: regular purchases of a low cost mutual fund based on the S&P 500, for decades. He also acknowledges that while many average folks have indeed followed this advice, none of the celebrities, the powerful, or already rich folks have as far as he knows. When asked why, he said they “aren’t interested in getting rich slowly”. Many think there must be a magic trick or short cut and they want in on it. I suspect this is why so called “smart money” is invested with people like Bernie Madoff. Tell them what they want to hear and charge them for it.
I love the idea of comparing ourselves to our goals instead of others. As long as we remember to adjust the goals to fit the present, race times included!
Jonathan, nicely done. While I enjoy your writing as a whole, I am consistently amazed at how well you present your thoughts. Your writing skills are really amazing. Thanks!
Your comment made me laugh out loud. Friends and relative that read a recent article that I wrote praised my writing skills. I had to admit to them that my story was edited by Jonathan. I’m certain that his editing put me over the top.
You’re too kind. Your recent article was in great shape before it reached my computer. For those who didn’t read it, here it is again:
https://humbledollar.com/2023/09/beer-to-taxes/