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COMPARISONS ARE the death knell of happiness—and they aren’t good for our wallets, either.
If we’re to get the most out of our time and money, we need to devote those two precious resources to things we consider meaningful. But how do we figure out whether something is indeed meaningful to us, and not a reflection of the influence of others?
For “meaningful,” dictionaries offer synonyms such as “important” and “significant.” What we’re talking about are things that have some special emotional resonance, and that’ll be different for each of us. But it strikes me that there are perhaps three dimensions.
First, it might be something we’re passionate about—church, a favorite charity, a political cause, our work. Second, it would include things we especially enjoy—travel, theatre, cooking, sports, clothes, hobbies. Third, it would encompass friends and family—the social fabric that ties our life together.
What resonates for you? Part of the answer is no doubt obvious. You likely care for your family to a degree that’s hard to put into words. You either think your work is meaningful or you don’t. You have charities you donate to year after year.
But often, we end up lavishing time and money on things we later realize aren’t important to us. Partly, that’s because our interests change over time. But it’s also because we realize things we thought we valued were actually things that reflect the influence of others.
We might have adopted our parents’ political beliefs, only to shed them later in life. We may have been drawn to a particular vacation spot by seductive advertising, only to discover it wasn’t all that special. We might have aped the lifestyle of those we admired or felt competitive with, only to realize it wasn’t the way we wanted to live.
I think this last error—mimicking celebrities, keeping up with the Joneses, showing off to the neighbors—is especially unfortunate. Not only can we end up devoting time and money to things we don’t truly care about, but also we can end up feeling worse about ourselves, thanks to the damage caused by comparisons.
That brings us to the Easterlin Paradox. In 1974, economist Richard Easterlin noted that, while standards of living had climbed over time, happiness hadn’t—because what people cared about wasn’t their absolute standard of living, but how they stood relative to others. Such envy is a worthy member of the seven deadly sins, not least because it causes us to be dissatisfied with our own situation and thwarts our efforts to declare “enough.”
Unfortunately, I fear we can never fully escape feelings of jealousy. But perhaps we could at least be more skeptical when we hear about the success of others. All too often, we assume that those with more money, fancier titles and great fame are happier. But when we focus on their outward success, we focus on just one aspect of their life—and we may be missing the true story.
A recent example: For a dozen years starting in the mid-2000s, we were bombarded with glowing stories about Angelina Jolie and Brad Pitt, and yet current litigation has revealed that the PR blitz covered up a far rockier relationship. But we don’t need to read about Brangelina to realize there’s often a disconnect between image and reality.
All of us know others who have apparently enjoyed greater worldly success. Do these folks have happier lives? We can never know for sure. There’s much that goes on behind closed doors that’s unseen by the rest of the world. But among the more successful individuals you know, I’m sure you’ve seen enough to have some sense of whether they’re enjoying life more than you—and I’d bet at least some strike you as less happy.
While we’re being skeptical of the façade presented by others, we should also take a closer look at our own choices. There are all kinds of things that, when I was in college four decades ago, I recall friends raving about and which I thought I liked, but I’ve since had second thoughts about: lying on the beach, heavy Italian food, traveling in the developing world, sports cars, going to and giving parties.
This, I believe, is one of the great benefits of growing older: We have a lifetime of experiences to reflect upon, and hence a more finely tuned sense of what’s a waste of our time and money—and what does indeed resonate.
Jonathan Clements is the founder and editor of HumbleDollar. Follow him on Twitter @ClementsMoney and on Facebook, and check out his earlier articles.
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Charlie Munger said, ““Envy is a really stupid sin because it’s the only one you could never possibly have any fun at. There’s a lot of pain and no fun. Why would you want to get on that trolley?”
(Obviously Charlie was a fan of Balzac.)
Keeping up with the Joneses is a recipe for misery. Our pastor once said (he got it elsewhere) that Americans routinely buy things that don’t need with money they don’t have to impress people they don’t even like.
My discretionary funds go to things people never even see but that I enjoy immensely-vinyl records!
“You should never live your internal life based on the outward appearance of your neighbors.”
One of the things I struggle with as twenty something year old that see people my age succeeding at an astounding pace.
Kelechi, I get the sense you are succeeding admirably and I wish you abundant happiness in life. Resist the urge to compare yourself to others, and do your best to find contentment by counting your blessings.
I read this quote many years ago and it’s stood the test of time. It’s much better looking forward… “The honey doesn’t taste so good once it is being eaten; the goal doesn’t mean so much once it is reached; the reward is not so rewarding once it has been given. If we add up all the rewards in our lives, we won’t have very much. But if we add up the spaces *between* the rewards, we’ll come up with quite a bit. And if we add up the rewards *and* the spaces, then we’ll have everything – every minute of the time that we spent.” ― Benjamin Hoff, The Tao of Pooh
Your comments about jealousy reminded me of a quote from French author Honore de Balzac:
“Envy is the most stupid of vices, for there is no single advantage to be gained from it.”
Great article Jonathan. We were visiting friends last night and we had a similar discussion. I think we all agreed that growing older and living through some challenging times can indeed impart some wisdom.
How true. Think of the value many teens place on $200 sneakers because some sports figure promotes them, We buy jeans ripped to shreds and costing megabucks because we follow others and can’t resist being equal or better.
Americans live in houses 1000 square feet larger than their grandparents and have far less children – because a family room, three baths and walk-in closets are “needed.”
Some people have more pairs of shoes in their closet than their parents had in a lifetime.
It’s not the poor who answer surveys claiming to live paycheck to paycheck with the inability to save, it’s middle class Americans more focused on their stuff and their standing among peers – and many seem to spend their time complaining about what they still don’t have.
Part of the reason people live in bigger houses is that home builders only build those. And they build only bigger houses because they make much more money on those.
My wife and I have never lived in a house with a walk-in closet. However, a WIC was a requirement when we purchased our four rental properties because we knew most prospective tenants consider them a must.
On the other hand, because almost no one in NYC can afford an apartment with a WIC, they are seldom a consideration.
The $200 sneaker issue is difficult for parents to address because teens are often excluded from social groups if they don’t wear the latest fashion.
I don’t know why you think the poor aren’t among those who are living paycheck to paycheck.
The poor may well and probably are living paycheck to paycheck. What I said is they are not the folks completing surveys on the subject and claiming to live that way.
How do you know that?
For example, a recent survey reported that 63% of Americans are living paycheck to paycheck. According to you, that survey didn’t include lower-class folks.
Poor is not lower class. If you wanted to know how average Americans are living, would you survey the population you know are poor? Even if they were part of a survey they could hardly cause a 63% result.
Parents have fewer children here and worldwide because improvements in public health, nutrition, and medicine have greatly improved the odds a child will survive to age five.
In Saudi Arabia child deaths per thousand dropped from 242 to 35 in just 33 years. The same story has played out here and in every country, though at different rates.
Contraception, education, and human drive for a better life are all factors but in every country that change towards fewer children hasn’t happened without this improvement in child mortality.
— Factfulness: Ten Reasons We’re Wrong About the World–and Why Things Are Better Than You Think by Hans Rosling, Anna Rosling Rönnlund, et al.
https://a.co/gNO4ztT
Infant and child mortality have certainly improved, but that’s not why American families have fewer children. Couples today and in recent years simply do not want large families. I suspect having better choices such a contraception are factors, but so are things like careers, the expense of children and simply different life choices and priorities.
Very good article, Jonathan. Discontentment can drive us chase after happiness in all the wrong places, only to find disappointment instead.