Care Money Can’t Buy
Marjorie Kondrack | Sep 23, 2023
FULL OF PROMISES AND plans, we start retirement in our 60s. It surprises me when people reach age 65 and say, “I don’t feel old.” That’s because, at 65, we aren’t.
We’re still in our go-go years. We still have the time and energy to conquer the world, visit new places, experience new adventures. The 70s, by contrast, are the slow-go years. Maybe we need replacement parts, to slather on Bengay, to load up on Advil. We’re still good to go—just a little more carefully and maybe not as often.
As people inch towards their 80s, most of us enter the no-go years. We don’t go out as much. We might head out for the “early bird” special, come home and watch the evening news, and go to bed early. The world tends to close in on us as we experience loss in many different ways.
And contrary to what others say, bird watching is not that riveting—and not how I want to spend my no-go years. Instead, my preferred remedy is friends, if only because your family can sometimes drive you crazy or, worse still, decide they don’t even like you. Here’s a snapshot of my friends, in no particular order of importance:
- Cindy and Tom. Last Thanksgiving, they visited, ladened with a home-cooked feast fit for a king’s table. Tom has the most cheerful countenance of anyone I’ve ever met and is an expert on fixing anything. Wouldn’t you just love Mr. Fixit to live next door? As a bonus, Cindy is a gourmet cook. Unfortunately, they moved away from our neighborhood, but they remain like family.
- Nancy. Stray animals find their way to Nancy’s house and she cares for them. She could rival Martha Stewart in entertaining. Her “hen parties” are memorable and so much fun. But her most outstanding virtue is her willingness to help friends in any way possible. When health issues leave me struggling, she’ll pop over with a cooked chicken from Costco, just in time for dinner.
- Jeri. A woman of great faith, she’s never too busy to run an errand, take me to a doctor’s appointment and bring food treats, and she does it all willingly. Once asked if we were related, Jeri thought for a minute and then said, “She’s my sidekick.” A retired physical therapist, it’s in her nature to help others. And it runs in her family: Her daughter works with special needs children.
- Trish. One day, my husband answered the doorbell and there appeared a tall blonde angel with a box of bakery treats. I could almost hear the Hallelujah chorus. Trish was previously unknown to me, but heard of me through our church. When I thank her for her generosity and compassion, she always replies, “Isn’t that what we’re here for?” That, in a nutshell, is her philosophy of life: Our main purpose for being is to help others.
- Rita and Bill. They’re the neighbors you want to have. After a snowstorm, Bill is out there with his snowblower, digging us out. Rita never fails to ask if there’s anything we need on her shopping trips, and regularly checks to see how we’re doing. Alas, they’re moving to their retirement home at the Jersey Shore. But Rita reminds us she’s only a phone call away.
- Jill and Chuck. Jill is a distant cousin. She’s a retired librarian, living in the south. She’s also an historian who chronicles our family genealogy. Jill’s been a staunch supporter of my writing. To hear her praises, you’d think I wrote the great American novel instead of a few humble posts. We have a lot in common—our love of learning and family connection. Her husband Chuck is a font of information, as well as my go-to guy for tech support.
Our friends are all younger and, fortunately for us, in better health and more capable than we are. They fill the void of departed family and friends we’ve lost to the passage of time.
In our long-term-care plan, we never counted on the kindness of friends and neighbors. We’re careful not to impose on the goodwill of others, but the help they cheerfully give us has been an amazing blessing. Friends are an integral part of the tapestry of life. Give them the care and attention they so richly deserve.
Marjorie Kondrack loves music, dancing and the arts, and is a former amateur ice dancer accredited by the United States Figure Skating Association. In retirement, she worked for eight years as a tax preparer for the IRS’s VITA and TCE programs. Check out Marjorie’s earlier articles.Want to receive our weekly newsletter? Sign up now. How about our daily alert about the site's latest posts? Join the list.
Marjorie,
Bird watching may not be for everyone but it certainly worked for my parents. My Mom was always a birder. When Dad retired after 38 years at P&G he was planning on doing some consulting. Within 6 months he had pitched out all his neckties and business cards and joined Mom on a 15 year odyssey, traveling the US and the world in search of one more entry on their life list. Friends are important but, for them, their best friend (and fellow birder) was also their spouse.
Marjorie, you are blessed to have so many good friends. I am 79 and wife is 80, so we need our friends and family more than ever at this stage of life.
And I know it makes your friends and family feel good to know they’re needed too.
continued blessings. Thanks for sharing.
What a lovely collection of people – including you!
I have been spending a fair amount of time at the CCRC I will enter the end of October, and one reason I’m looking forward to the move is the friendliness of my future neighbors. It takes a while to get anywhere because so many people stop to talk.
Kathy..your opinion is held in high regard. Thank you.
we look forward to hearing about life at your CCRC and wish you every happiness.
Thanks! They now have the Certificate of Occupancy, and I got to see my apartment. Don’t remember why I painted the second bathroom cabinets grey, but otherwise it’s very nice. Lots of light, including in the kitchen.
Exciting time and you sound delighted. Enjoy
Marjorie, I suspected from your writing that you’re a sweet lady, and now your long list of loving friends proves it. You are blessed, but I think they must be blessed more from your friendships.
Thank you for your kind words, Edmund. They mean a lot, coming from you.
Marjorie, you truly have a wonderful group of friends and neighbors, and I bet they’re all thankful to have you and your husband in their lives.
We’ve lived in the same neighborhood for 35 years and, even with many changes in the surrounding environment and the normal coming and going of people, the familiarity is a real blessing. We’re thankful for so many great neighbors and so many happy memories from our time here.
Thank you for your always positive comments, Andrew. So glad you and your wife have a similar happy situation.
Oh Marjorie, your assessment of those of us in our 80s is a bit depressing. It’s not quite that dull, at least not yet. I think where we go, how we live has a lot to do with attitude as much as a number.
its not at all depressing, Dick. Just different. We all have to gracefully surrender to the limitations of aging. I took some literary license for the sake of levity. There is still joy and discovery of oneself. Just a different path to find it.
just think..you have reinvented yourself. You are not some crustacean curmudgeon. You’ve become the beloved Grand Poobah of Humble Dollar, sometimes wrong— but never in doubt and you’re fun.
Yikes, have I lost my edge, am I mellowing?
Talk about aging. I play golf with a 91 year old who keeps going. Last summer he fell on a golf cart and broke several ribs. He was back playing golf in a few weeks. That’s my next goal, playing golf at 90.
I have to go back and scan all my articles and comments to find when I was wrong. It may take awhile though 😎
Thanks, Marjorie, for your tribute to the friends who enrich your life, and you, theirs. Retiring to a small community where everyone knows each other through church, volunteer activities or being neighbors, has been a real blessing for me and the source of many new friendships.
People are kind. Sometimes we just have to reach out a little with a welcoming smile and warm heart.
It sounds like a lot of these nice younger friends are neighbors. I want to live in your neighborhood!
Laura…we did pick the perfect spot and you are welcome too.
“Dear George: Remember – No Man is a failure who has friends…Thanks for the wings!”
Love,
Clarence
PS: Would love to have Marjorie as my own neighbor
So kind. Thank you. I would be honored.
I love this so much. Your list made me think about one friend in particular. She used to be a nurse so has that caregiver’s empathy. She’s also an amazing cook and hostess. When my husband and I both had COVID on his birthday last year, she asked if she could bring us groceries and chicken soup. I said we were having pizza at his request for the birthday dinner, but could she make him something special for dessert? She made a from-scratch mixed-berry pie (his favorite) and brought it over with gourmet ice cream. It was fantastic.
Recently, I shared in a group email that my adult daughter had been injured in a car accident and to please pray for her. This friend was on the phone within ten minutes: “That sounds so stressful for YOU, Mom. How are YOU doing?” She just knows.
I get so focused on work and don’t always leave space to be that kind of friend to people, but I definitely aspire to it. Once I’m retired, I hope to put a lot of my fairly substantial energy into being the best friend I can be.
Thank you so much for the inspiration.
Thank you, Dana. I loved your story too. Human nature sometimes gifts us with deep feelings for others and we’re all the richer or it. It’s caring that counts.
My wish would be that everyone could list at least one friend as wonderful as you have listed here. Also, friends like that don’t happen easily, you must be a great friend yourself!
Thank you Jamie. I never dreamed I was worthy of so much value and hope I can return it tenfold.
Footnote: if you are working hard to attain whatever success in life means to you, but don’t have time to make friends—or spend time with the friends you already have, you are missing an opportunity to double your joys for a full and satisfying life.