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As I mentioned in my last post, I’ve been thinking about various ways that complex family dynamics can affect one’s own finances, especially when we’re in or headed toward the retirement years. Today’s topic is about having adult children on the “family payroll,” long after one might have assumed they’d be completely independent.
A 2024 study published by the Pew Research Center reported that about one-third of young adults (ages 18-34) still live with their parents and that about 55% of American parents provide varying degrees of financial assistance or support to their young adult children. There are a lot of factors that contribute to this finding, such as the high cost of housing and education as well as setbacks caused by the 2008-09 recession (for Millennials in particular) and the pandemic (for Gen Z).
For the sake of narrowing this discussion, let’s exclude the following fact patterns:
Instead, let’s focus on young adults who are not still in college, who are seemingly capable of earning a living, and whose family/cultural norms do not dictate their continuing to live at home.
Obviously, those of us who are parents want our adult children to be independent, self-sufficient, thriving, and happy. We want that for their best interests and we want it for our own financial well-being. Few of us signed up to support our children for a lifetime, and most of us can’t afford to do so. But what happens when those adult children can’t or won’t become independent?
It’s easy enough to talk about boundaries or “tough love,” but some situations are not as obvious as they might seem to outsiders. In observing my own family and those of my friends, there can be a long continuum between someone who truly has special needs and must be cared for and someone who is “adulting” with competence and excellence. Many young adults struggle with mental and emotional health issues that can sap their energy for getting an education, earning a living, and being completely self-supporting. Especially if they perceive that their parents have the means to help them, it can be hard for them to accept that they can or should take complete responsibility for themselves, especially in a world with high costs and a challenging employment landscape.
Two of my acquaintances, both younger than I am, have young adult (20s) sons who were not able (in one case) or willing (in the other) to complete college. Both moms have allowed their sons to continue living at home but require them to work to pay their own personal expenses. One of them actually charges her son a modest rent–but (unbeknownst to the son) is putting that rent money into a high-interest savings account to give him a boost once he finally does move out. That is one way to handle things.
If the young adult living at home with their parents isn’t a good option for the family, parents might choose to help with specific expenses–keeping the child’s cell phone on the family plan, or paying their health insurance premium, to give a couple of examples–but only on the condition that the child is making a good faith effort to work and earn money. And if the parents are financially involved in the adult child’s life, they should, in my opinion, be able to demand that the young adult “open the books” or share their budget, for accountability. But I’m here to tell you that these conversations can be very, very fraught.
As I’ve shared in my writing here before, one of my adult daughters went through a very rough period starting in 2022 that included her being seriously injured twice in car accidents just 14 months apart. This set her financial independence back a great deal as she recovered physically and emotionally from the accidents. Thankfully, she didn’t sustain any permanent or life-altering injuries, but it took her awhile to get back on her feet (literally, in the case of the second accident–she had a badly broken ankle and was not allowed to be weight-bearing for five months and was in a boot for seven–but also mentally). Now she has a new job and things are stabilizing financially for her.
We provided a lot of financial support during this period. Both of us were working and had disposable income, and we could afford to do so, though our long-term savings goals took a hit. Over the past year or so, as she’s been (mostly) physically recovered but slow to return to work, we’ve struggled with when and how hard we should push her, especially given my imminent retirement date. On the one hand, yes, of course we should expect her to be mostly independent by now, but on the other–she has been through a tough patch. So, at least for us, it hasn’t always been obvious how to proceed through this.
I suspect that such issues tend to be very case-specific: It depends on the adult child and their circumstances, on the parents’ ability and willingness to help out, and on the larger family dynamics–for example, would it work for the family for the adult child to live at home, and if so, for how long, how do other siblings (if applicable) feel about the situation, and so forth. I’ve found that it’s easy for people outside the immediate family to judge without knowing all of the ins and outs. And this issue touches on a lot of tender spots, for both parents and adult children, about the larger relationship.
It all affects one’s own financial well-being. But it’s not always easy to navigate.
We spent 30 years in the Middle East and raised our 4 kids there. They all moved back to the US for college and then basically launched themselves — Mom and Dad were living 10,000 miles and 9 time zones away. When our older daughter’s marriage fell apart after less than two years, we were beginning to transition back to living in America, because my job with the national oil company was ending after I turned 60 (mandatory retirement age). We bought a 3-BR house near our eldest, who was temporarily hosting her and her 1 yr old baby. He and his long-suffering wife had basically been standing-in for us in terms of looking after his 3 younger siblings as they each started their college careers. Our daughter moved into the house and found a low-paying job in a daycare center looking after babies, because the organization would accept public assistance payments to look after her little guy while she worked there — it’s hard to find good help.
Four years on, and her divorce is final, she’s pulled herself together, finished training to become a physical therapy assistant (scoring a perfect 800 on her board exam!) and even remarried. We had some rocky interactions at times, but she was working on her issues with a counselor, and we were happy to let her live with us rent-free to help her get back on her feet. She has wonderful parenting skills and having our grandson as a long-term “houseguest” was a real treat.
Our story has a happy ending, but I know of few families like ours, with four kids and none of them going “off the rails” permanently. Each of our kids is now married, two with children, and they are all living productive, virtuous lives with a strong commitment to a local church. I credit a “Higher Power” for this outcome, because when I look at my own shortcomings and the struggles my wife and I have had in our marriage, it certainly wasn’t our “stellar” parenting that got us here….
Response to ostrichtacossaturn7593
RE Minister is “Religious Education” Minister in charge of educating the youth on the Universal Unitarian Principles.
Thank you!
Before my father died 10 years ago in another state, he asked me to look after my younger sister (then in her early 50s with bipolar/ADHD, unemployed since age 35) who lived near him. I went to a local NAMI support group soon after that and listened to all the parents of people in their 20s and 30s talk about their dawning realization that the problems with their kids might not go away as hoped.
When it was my turn to introduce myself, I ruefully told the group, “I am the ghost of Christmas future. My sister is in her 50s, my parents are deceased, and now it has fallen on me to look out for her.” (I have two other siblings—one is not willing; the other is not capable.) The situation is complicated (she is a single mother with a child now in a state college) and, as others have written here, it’s all been expensive and not easy to deal with.
My husband has been understanding of the ongoing monetary support for my sister’s shelter and bills for many years now, and has only requested one thing: “Never invite her to live here with us.” Might not sound very nice, I guess, but it’s part of a “save yourself” mentality.
Yep. “Ghost of Christmas Future” indeed. Sighhhh
As others have said, and I said after reading your Part 1 – you are preaching to the choir. My second son is enduring turmoil in his life. Mid-30’s, ex-Navy, two kids, and his wife just left him after 13 years of marriage. Luckily, he lives nearby and has a steady job – the Navy was good for him in a lot of respects. I’m not privy to his finances, but he seems to be covering the basics. He’s a great Dad to a testosterone-loaded 13-year-old and his 7-year-old daughter. The split is complicated in that his future ex-wife has moved 4+ hours away and appears to already be in a new relationship. When school resumes I can’t imagine how child custody and support will work out. That’s what lawyers are for.
We’re physically and logistically helping when/where we can but cannot handle everything that he’s asked of us for a multitude of reasons. I feel sure I will be fronting at least part of the money for his divorce expenses – and I’ll do it gladly as long as it helps him reset his life.
I’m so sorry to hear about what your son and grandchildren are going through (and you and your wife, as well).
This part of your last sentence really resonated: “I’ll do it gladly as long as it helps him reset his life.”—I feel that way, too.
So sorry to read this, Jeff. Your story, and Chris Hansen’s below, make me realize it’s hard to predict what parenting will require of us.
Thanks for the timely article. I’m convinced launching kids unto the world has to be the hardest (and most under appreciated) part of parenting. We’re finally empty nesters, about 13 years after we might have guessed. We have 3 kids who we’ve helped in different ways. The oldest graduated from college during the Great Recession, so he came back to live with us for a couple of years while he got his feet on the ground. Despite having a very different career path than expected, he’s ended up in a nice place. The middle kid, seeing what his older brother was going through, did everything in his power to not have to return home. He took some unusual jobs in the process, married his college girlfriend and started a family. Our youngest, while starting college, suffered a mental health condition requiring our support to complete her degree (it ended up taking about 8 years to finish). Afterwards, while working in her first full-time job, she was struck with a neurological disorder which prevented her from continuing to hold a job. We were looking at the her possibly having her at home for the long run. After a 3 year process, she was approved for social security disability insurance.
In an unexpected turn, last fall, our middle son had a discussion with us about the time they were having their second child. His family was outgrowing their 2-bedroom apartment, and were looking for a house to buy. Real estate in their area was far beyond their reach. My wife and I decided to gift them their down payment, and my son and daughter-in-law invited our daughter to live with them. Our daughter is viewing this opportunity as a stepping stone towards more independent living, as that area has broader social services assistance than we have here.
In hindsight, I think it’s been helpful to be candid and transparent with all 3 kids with our finances and how we’ve been able to assist each of them. They in turn, have helped each other as they can.
I think it’s the biggest shock of parenting so far for me. I expected some sleepless nights when they were little and some bumps in the road when they were teenagers, but parenting adult children has been by far, by far the hardest chapter. By now I expected/hoped to be resting on my laurels, but—nope.
Wow, talk about siblings taking care of each other. Congrats to the parents for fostering this kind of love.
💯
I second Jeff’s comments. That’s a heartwarming story.
Some children living at home can provide support for their disabled and/or aging parents…better care and affordability just might be the best answer to LTC?
Good article! We are close to the end of paying much for our 23 y.o. daughter and 26 y.o. son. Our son enlisted in the Army immediately out of high school and it was a huge positive experience that led to tremendous growth in maturity and responsibility. He was a changed kid when he got out! He went to college on VA Benes and did great! He starts his full time job this Monday and is currently staying in our basement apartment as the job is nearby. We want him to be able to save money as he starts out. We winter in Arizona so it is beneficial for him to be here this winter while we are away, and he can figure out where he wants to get his own place. We started his Roth IRA when he was 18 and make the contributions each year. Since we did not pay for his college we paid half to help him get his first nice vehicle. (I convinced him to wait until he was 25 so that his insurance would be less.) He has good money habits so I am happy to help him now and then.
Our girl graduated from college Dec 2024 and CAN now get a job but hasn’t. With a fully funded 529 plan we paid her schooling and she did well, BUT she is traveling the world on her own dime (4 months solo in SE Asia this spring) and is a backpacking guide again this summer. That is not what she went to school for haha. She is very frugal and really makes her money go far, but I am hoping she enters the real working world this fall. She will be taking on all her expenses soon and that will be an eye opener for her. While I admire her adventurous spirit we will be helping less until she is making good faith efforts to make progress in her career (and no Roth for her yet).
Don’t be too hard on your daughter. You might see it that she is wasting her education by not immediately monetising it but trust me she is building all sorts of lifeskills and “memory and relationship capital” that simply can’t be obtained in the “normal” graduate working world. One year/two year it’s no big deal. Sure if she’s still backpack bumming into her 30s maybe be concerned but by then she’s just as likely to have found a new way to monetise it like today’s travel influencers.
One of my biggest “what if” regrets in life was when I was working summer post graduation up in Acadia National Park. A customer offered me a job in his ski lodge in the White Mountains for the winter. I declined as my plan was to return home to secure a real “career” job in the fall hiring round. Over a lifetime those 6 months would have made no meaningful difference other than in the experiences I missed out on.
The concept of a gap year doesn’t seem to have caught on in the US, but I think it’s a great way to get some relief from the academic grind and discover the world – and yourself. And there are a few people making a living as long time travelers, not to mention rather more “digital nomads”.
Backpacking guide, in fact any kind of guiding, is no picnic. It’s a 24/7 job with a lot of responsibility.
Great examples! Best of luck to both of them!
The one element that is missing from this discussion is that of culture. We are a diverse society with people from different cultures. In many cultures, extended family is the norm, with 3 generations living under the same roof, generally controlled by members of the 1st generation. Thus, cultural norms do play a part in how assistance is given to children or how children assist in the maintenance of the family. There really is no right or wrong way in this matter. It is all about comfortable living and each family’s ability to assess its own situation. Of course, as time goes by, cultural norms may change as society itself undergo changes, and people adapt to these changes.
I actually did mention this:
3.The family has cultural or religious beliefs that lead young adult children to continue living with their parents, until or sometimes even after they’re married.
My assistance is in direct proportion to the trajectory of the kids. If they show good intent and are working towards something, the more I will support them. If the grades are good, I’m happy to pay school fees. Everyone in the home contributes in some manner. Freeloading hurts all involved. In many ways it is harder today, but also easier in many ways. If I had U-Tube in my younger years I would have saves thousands of hours (spend in the library or experimentation) in learning how to do stuff (auto maintenance, house repairs, research, finances….) and just widening my world to opportunities I would have not otherwise known about.
Thank You Anthony, I feel creating responsibility begins when the kids are babies.
My oldest boy turned 18 and he just disappeared for a week. I asked him when I next saw him, did you move out? Affirmative. The second son paid rent when he tuned 18, and was happy to have that responsibility as he had been informed about life and duty as a youngster.
It was only us 3 in the household, expecting and enabling maturity was more straightforward.
My wife and I have two children, ages 40 and 38. At this point in their lives they are financially independent from us. We are hopeful this status will continue the rest of our lives. Our daughter, the youngest, has been extremely good with money decisions. She is a bank manager, so that definitely helps. However, before she was married, my wife helped her with her first house downpayment, and we helped her in other smaller ways. About 4 years ago our son made a decision to move back to our home town to work in the family hardware business. Since I had the financial means, I helped him get a house so that he can build some financial equity. Unlike our daughter, he struggles with saving money. Yet, other than birthday and Christmas cash gifts, we don’t help him or our daughter. And while we expect that one day they will inherit our assets, we aren’t yet convinced that either one of them will handle them as well as we have done.
It’s complicated, isn’t it? And it can be hard to talk about.
My child aged 26, works PT as an assistant to the RE minister at our church. They find the work very rewarding but the salary doesn’t come near to covering their full expenses. They completed their Undergrad but was miserable and depressed trying to navigate a Masters. I told them finally to let it go, it wasn’t worth the damage it was doing to their psyche. So we support them and supplement their income gladly as we can afford it. Obviously I hope that some day they will find work that supports their lifestyle. There is talk of doing a Graduate degree at Trinity college Dublin.
It’s a different world now. 40 years ago, I came over from Ireland and worked my way up from nothing but an Associates degree. It certainly wasn’t always easy but I succeeded and am now retired almost two years.
The youth of today face so many more hurdles and pitfalls that frankly many of them require help and assistance due to mental illness, physical issues, emotional immaturity, cost of living, debt, substance abuse etc.
While we are able to offer support I am happy to do so. I do not feel that I am enabling.
In fact my daughter’s friend who doesn’t have a job due to severe migraines and could no longer afford rent moved in with us on June 1. She also has a cat. We charge no rent and we are as supportive as we can be. The thing that makes it work well is that I have no expectations at all and accept her as she is. We are trying to support her and help her navigate her future and I believe she will succeed. I know many of you will be horrified by this disclosure. If my child needed such help, I’d hope someone out there would do for them, so it’s about karma and trying to leave the world a little better than I found it.
What is an “RE” minister?
Very generous and compassionate. At the end of the day, if you can afford it and feel good about helping, who is anyone else to judge? I hope all goes well with your child and your houseguest.
I would imagine I am making all kinds of mistakes with this right now. My son was out of the house in an apartment for almost four years, and I moved him back in to save up money for a house. He works full time and has been with the same girl for six years. It was a huge mistake and I even told him it was. Now I have to have the convo with him that he needs to move out by next March.
The other son plays college ice hockey in Canada and works during the summers. I have absolutely no idea what’s going to happen there. Both kids are on the cell phone plan, on my car insurance (still), and we pay a bunch of other expenses for them.
I honestly couldn’t tell you how I get here. Are they good kids? Yeah, of course. Would they mature more quickly and become men if my wife and I didn’t cover all these expenses? Yes. Is there value in that? I “think so,” but who the heck knows.
I am just super frustrated to have had a nice quiet empty nest turn into a cacophony of videos blasting on overdriven mobile phone speakers, dirty glasses left in the sink, and cat litter remnants left all over the kitchen by a cat that wasn’t really welcome.
Ugh. This post couldn’t have been more timely.
Yikes. I feel your stress level through the screen and relate to a lot of it. Good luck with everything!
I hope he’s paying rent. I paid rent to my parents when I was a grad student between shared apartments. For at most a couple of months. Sounds like some house rules are required, too.
I cam relate. As a parent of three wonderful children one of which has some mental and emotional challenges which we have been working through since he was 16. He’s now 23. It was a struggle to get him to finish college but we are literally in the final week of school and he will graduate with his bachelor’s degree. Without our support, he’d likely not even be alive, much less be a graduate. He’s working a better than entry level job while he figures out next steps. It is not easy, he’s not focused, can be emotionally unstable and just difficult. Yet his loving , respectful and he does trust us. So I help him automate his investments and savings with the hope that with time this will be a distant memory and he’ll be on his way. He is welcome to stay with us but I’m hopeful he’ll move into his own place even if we need to provide a substantial down payment towards a place. There are no easy answers and it takes a toll. To all the parents struggling with this dilemma, I’d say to you ‘have no regrets, do as much as you can without compromising your core values’. I don’t want to look back and wonder could I have done more….I’ll be at peace no matter the outcome knowing I’ve done the best i can and then some.
You’re a brave and patient parent, Mike. I could never have done what you have. Applause, sir.
Mike, I love this comment. LOVE it. First of all, your love and care for your son is evident. I feel that way about our daughter. She struggles, but she’s a wonderful human being, and I’m so glad she’s in this world. I completely agree that you don’t want to wish you had done more when you could have. I’ve often thought of the adage, “Charity begins at home.” You don’t want to enable irresponsibility, but you also don’t want to be so harsh that you abandon your own child.
Thanks, seriously, for sharing your story. ❤️🙏
Here was the journey with our son, the youngest of two. When he graduated from high school he didn’t want to go to a four year college. At that time in the mid 2000s a child had to be at least a half time student to stay on their parents’ health insurance. We told him he had to get a full time job, take part time courses in general studies (he only applied himself-is quite intelligent-to subjects he was interested in), if he were to stay at home. He did this for 3+ years, and the one semester short of an associates degree said he was not going back. After that last semester at school his high school class was graduating from college and we told him he would have to move out that summer and see how hard it was to survive on a minimum wage job. He moved into an apartment with his cousin who had just graduated and a friend who was just starting college after discharge from the Army. They lived in an apartment near the local state university about an hour from our house. Luckily he met his future wife at a party there. A year later when they all went their different ways we told him he could move back in, but only if kept working and he went back to finish his associates degree. He and his then future wife moved to Delaware where she was attending Physician Assistant’s school. He decided to apply to the University of Delaware to obtain a bachelor’s degree in history. Only he and I were home when he opened the acceptance letter, which was extremely emotional. He attended school full time, worked part time, and was on the Dean’s list all four semesters. It was a long journey, but one with some (somewhat) tough love and persistence it worked out well for all.
Wow, that’s a great happy ending! My daughter dropped out of college about three semesters short of bachelor’s degree, maybe less. Just never really vibed with the school thing. I was just talking with her about this recently, and she said going back to finish is “on the table.” We’ll help her if she decides to go for it.
As an aside, I had a speaking engagement at the University of Delaware a few years back. Newark is kind of a cool little town.
Obviously I can’t really offer any useful advice. Rather, I’ll share a bit of what I’m currently doing which may or may not be useful for you. I’ve evolved in my thinking to the point where in this context I view money as a tool. I prefer to deploy my money where I think it’ll be useful helping my kids succeed. I have 3 kids, 2 of who are wonderful and 1 who (while hard working) is very much not wonderful, including being a raging spendthrift. It’s taken me quite a while (and a LOT of money) to figure out that money won’t fix him. These days I only use money where I think it’ll actually make a difference (ie. provide a meaningful return on the investment), but definitely not in circumstances where I think I’m just enabling him. Best wishes. Gene
Thanks, Gene. These are hard lessons to learn, and the stakes are very high.
I have some experience with this. One of my daughters is difficult. She is very intelligent, loving, and extremely sociable but suffers from ADHD and a bipolar disorder plus manic-depressive tendencies. These often manifest in extreme risk-taking behaviors and very impulsive decision-making. These traits lead to a very chaotic life, especially when she has difficulty taking responsibility for her own actions and has a habit of repeating the same mistakes without learning from previous incidents.
This has resulted in Suzie and I having fully furnished three separate rental properties over the last five years to help keep her independent and in a safe environment. Living at home is not an option because of the extreme mental toll it takes on both Suzie and myself. The normal cycle is six to nine months of total normality, followed by a few months of extreme chaos, and then a few months where she totally disappears off the radar before reappearing as a normal, loving daughter until the next cycle.
Our mantra is simple: we will support you and always be unconditionally here for you, but we have one line—our house is sacrosanct from the turmoil. We live in hope and she seems to be extending the good daughter phases as she gets older. My hope is that mental maturity is giving my daughter self-insight into her condition, helping with self-management in conjunction with the professional help when she engages with the support services that are in place.
Mark, there are a lot of similarities between your situation and ours, especially the sentence beginning “Living at home is not an option…” We’ve talked it through from every angle and have concluded that, resources permitting, we’ll help keep a safe roof over her head but not our roof unless there are literally no other options.
Ours is 31, and we’re seeing some slow signs of progress. Fingers crossed for both of us!
Thank you for your thoughtful– and deeply personal–article on what can often be a difficult, painful subject. Communicating effectively with our own children can at times feel like the hardest thing in the world–and I have yet to figure out why. I’m still trying to figure it out, and I fear my quest is far from complete.
It can be so hard, and we’re both above-average communicators–I literally spoke in front of people for a living and am a published author–but it’s different when it’s your own kids. SO fraught.
How about this scenario for a child living at home:
1) The child has a full-time job with health insurance.
2) The child is a conscientious and respected employee.
3) Child pays their share (1/3) of all utilities, plus a modest rent, not costing the parents anything.
4) House is big enough that there is plenty of room to spare for said child and the family relationships are excellent.
5) Child has a somewhat low paying job for a college grad but by means of the above is slowly saving up enough to buy a condo or townhome someday, rather than spending it on a much higher rent payment.
6) Child is in early 30s.
That all sounds like a reasonable accommodation; The child is responsible and easy to live with, and they are making a good-faith effort to support themselves. That sounds like the “ideal” set of circumstances, if there are such, for parents continuing to help out.
Sounds good to me. Best wishes. Gene
Not quite my fact pattern but by virtue of the location of my first job and the demanding nature of it (studying for professional exams alongside the day job) combined with low starting salary this was a fact pattern that worked for me and my parents early in my career.
Didn’t find it particularly weird and it definitely gave me a leg up in me subsequently buying my first appartment without the bank of mum & dad being involved.
Of course I now spend a significant amount of time back in the same house but because I don’t want my mother to feel isolated and spend some WFH weeks there.
Your situation sounds like what a lot of families are experiencing now: early career, making progress but not a ton of money, need an extra hand.
I remember my sister moved home with my parents after graduating from college. She had a job but needed a few months to save up for a car and deposits for her own apartment. After a few months my mother started leaving her newspaper ads with apartments circled. It was a little rude, in my opinion, but I’m guessing there wasn’t great communication up front about the time frame of this arrangement. Anyway, my sister got her own place and has been independent ever since.
Jeff Immelt, former CEO of GE, once said “Every job looks easy when you’re not the one doing it.”
That’s very true for the job of parent of your child.
As you noted, every parenting job is different because every kid and kid’s situation is unique, so it’s pretty foolish to form judgments and opinions about someone else’s kid. Kind of like judging someone else’s financial plan.
Every parent wants a fully independent kid, and most kids can find their way to that eventually, but it will take some longer than others for many good reasons. I expect our kids to work full-time in something they find fulfilling and which will enable them to support themselves, perhaps with a little help for a while (true today), and eventually fully on their own.
With respect to living at home, we Americans have a funny way of forgetting. David Brooks wrote an interesting piece for The Atlantic. The so-called nuclear family was the predominant model for only a short period in our history. Before the 1950s, multi-generational living was the norm, to which many have returned in this era. Housing costs are insane today and young people are finding all sorts of solutions to that problem. Yes, including, for some, living with family.
Well said, David!