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I’ve been thinking about family dynamics and how they affect financial decisions, and this will be the first of several posts on various applications of this topic.
This first one is a hard one to talk about: It’s family estrangement, specifically a family member(s) going “no contact” with or otherwise walking away from other family member(s). It’s not as unusual as you might think–there is growing research on the topic, and some estimate that more than 30% of American families have an estranged family member. The reasons for this alarming trend are sociologically complex.
One expert on the topic is psychologist Joshua Coleman, who’s written a couple of books and many articles based on insights from his own practice and his research. He notes that while about half of the estrangement situations happen for reasons we’d all consider legitimate (e.g., clearly abusive behavior), others are harder to peg, and what one adult child might consider a “toxic” on the part of their parents might be incomprehensible to their sibling.
As I said, it’s complicated. Sometimes, according to Coleman, the estranged family members might find a way back to each other. In other cases, the person is (most likely) gone forever.
The question arises as to the implications estrangement has for one’s estate. Coleman urges parents with an estranged adult child not to cut them out of their will, arguing that this will just exacerbate an already painful situation. However, others might argue that if a family member has chosen to exit the family, causing pain by so doing, they are no longer entitled to family resources–and including them in an estate plan might even seem or be disrespectful to other family members who have been hurt by their actions.
I’ll be vague, but we have an estrangement situation in my extended family. One relative decided to rewrite their will to exclude the estranged family member. A different relative decided not to exclude them. There are a lot of hard feelings within the family about this person’s abandonment of people who love them. Some have even said that they wouldn’t be welcome at a funeral or memorial service, having chosen to opt out of the deceased person’s life while they were still with us.
One thing we’ve learned from consulting with an estate attorney: If someone wants to exclude a close family member from an inheritance, they have to specifically state that in the will. Just leaving them out isn’t adequate.
What is your experience with or observation about family estrangement and specifically its impact on estate planning or other family resource allocations?
There’s columnist on the MarketWatch site called The Moneyist who people write to for advice in financial matters. By my very rough estimate, about half the queries are about inheritances, and most everyone who writes in feels like they are getting screwed – go figure. And the money involved is rarely even significant much less life changing. It’s all about the emotions. As this is also a financial site, seems to me it’s worth noting that the best approach in life is to chase your own financial success and ignore chasing or expecting someone else’s money. It’ll just make you unhappy & disappointed.
Dana – I’m gone for a week and find this juicy posting! I have neither the time nor the energy to reply in depth right now. After a number of fraught years, we believe a future or at least potential family estrangement has been resolved/addressed within the last two months. While I feel relief, I’m also concerned for the potential emotional burden that cascades to other relatives, as this involves the end of a family member’s marriage.
I’m glad to hear the situation is resolving, but it sounds complicated, as family dynamics often (always?) are.
Since estate matters are all governed by state laws, be careful with comments in a discussion as this. I heard a MD attorney say on a radio show that an ostracized relative (or anyone else) should never be mentioned in a will because it gives the person standing in court even though their reference is negative. That gives them a foot in the door to at least create an annoyance so legal cost and delay. Regardless of the state, consider adding a phrase about carefully considering who would and not be an heir so those included and excluded have been carefully chosen – so specifically not naming the bum. Also note that probate courts tend to be “courts of equity” vs rigid, so if concerned about this issue, one might consider using a revocable trust for holding assets since following a Trust is not subject to probate. It is unfortunate we cannot say what we want and why without potential adverse consequences, but such is the case.