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I DON’T HAVE MANY regrets in life. But there is one conversation with my mother that I wish I had never had. It was about moving her into an assisted living facility. She was in her 90s, and I thought it would be best for both of us.
My mother would receive better care, and I could take much-needed breaks. She could even keep her house and spend time there when I was with her.
It seemed like a middle-of-the-road approach to providing care. I thought it was a win-win situation for both of us. But I couldn’t convince my mother to leave the home she had lived in for 42 years.
She would ask me questions like, “How far my bed would be from the front door?” I was beginning to understand that she was afraid of moving to an unfamiliar place. It was simply too much to ask of her.
About six weeks later, my mother had a heart attack. She passed away a week afterward in a rehabilitation facility after being discharged from the hospital. Looking back, I sometimes wonder if our discussions about assisted living were harder on her than I realized. It’s something I’ve thought about many times since.
After reaching age 75 and coming closer to the possibility of needing more care myself, I now have a better understanding of why my mother wanted to age in place.
She valued the familiarity and emotional comfort of her home. She knew exactly how far her bed was from the front door. She maintained relationships with neighbors who would stop by to chat and share a glass of wine.
She also knew the people at the stores and restaurants she visited regularly. A few of them even attended her funeral. All of her doctors were nearby. She would often say, “I’m close to everything I need.”
Recently, when I was experiencing problems with my eyesight, I’ve felt more vulnerable. One day, while having lunch with my wife, I brought up the topic of how we might receive care in our later years. As soon as I mentioned assisted living, Rachel grew quiet and a sad look came over her face. I’ve seen that look before.
At that moment, I realized I was hearing the same concern I had heard from my mother years earlier. They were thinking about leaving behind a familiar life and moving to a place where everything would be different.
My wife and my mother are not alone. About three-quarters of Americans over age 50 say they want to remain in their current homes as they age. I count myself among them.
Part of our long-term care planning is an effort to preserve the life we’ve built here for as long as possible.
It’s not an easy decision because none of us knows what our future health will look like. Aging in place offers advantages, but it also involves risks.
If we need only limited assistance, staying in our home could be significantly less expensive than moving to a senior living community, especially since our mortgage is paid off. We can purchase only the services we need—housekeeping, meal delivery, transportation, or occasional home health care—and adjust that support as circumstances change.
At the same time, we retain ownership of our home and any future appreciation in its value. That equity remains available if we eventually need more extensive care.
Of course, there is no guarantee that our health will cooperate. Serious illnesses or cognitive decline could create care needs that are difficult or expensive to manage at home. That’s one reason some people choose a continuing care retirement community (CCRC), which offers a continuum of care and contracts that can provide insurance-like protection against future long-term care costs.
For us, the decision comes down to a tradeoff: Do we value maximum independence and flexibility today, or do we value having a built-in care system already in place for the future?
For now, we’re taking a hybrid approach.
We plan to remain in our home through our 70s and early 80s. We’re in reasonably good health, and my eyesight is no longer a major issue.
We are planning to invest in accessibility improvements, including a stair lift to our upstairs master bedroom, grab bars in the bathrooms, and brighter lighting. Our house already has a walk-in shower, doorways and hallways wide enough for a walker, and space for a caregiver if one is ever needed.
In addition, we’re setting aside a dedicated reserve of 20% of our investment portfolio to help cover future care needs.
Most people do not spend years in a nursing home. As a result, we’re not trying to fund the most expensive long-term-care scenario imaginable. Instead, we’re setting aside enough money to cover the most likely care needs without significantly affecting our lifestyle. If we encounter a more extreme situation, we still have the remainder of our portfolio and the equity in our home available.
That’s just basic financial planning: managing risk to a comfortable level instead of spending a fortune to eliminate it completely.
We’ll reevaluate our situation every few years and remain open to moving to a CCRC or assisted living community if health, mobility, or caregiving needs increase significantly.
There may come a day when Rachel and I decide that a CCRC or assisted living community is the right choice. None of us can predict the future, and flexibility has value.
But I now understand something I didn’t fully appreciate when my mother was alive. A home is more than a place to live. It is a collection of routines, relationships, memories, and comforts that become increasingly important as we grow older.
My mother knew that instinctively. She wasn’t being stubborn. She was protecting a life she loved and a sense of independence that mattered deeply to her.
When she told me she was close to everything she needed, she wasn’t talking about stores, restaurants, or doctors. She was talking about belonging.
It took me years to understand what she meant. If I had understood it sooner, our conversations about assisted living might have been very different.
Dennis Friedman retired from Boeing Satellite Systems after a 30-year career in manufacturing. Born in Ohio, Dennis is a California transplant with a bachelor’s degree in history and an MBA. A self-described “humble investor,” he likes reading historical novels and about personal finance. Follow Dennis on X @DMFrie and check out his earlier articles
Thank you, Dennis. It’s always wonderful to read your contributions. Like you, I’ve had a recent health issue that has made me think even more about where I will live as I age. In my case, one of my three children was able to work remotely from my home in PA, far from his family and job in St. Louis, during my first week home from the hospital. He’s lucky that he has an understanding boss, because neither of the other two are able to work remotely. All this brings home to me that my lovely retirement home, into which I have poured a lot of money and energy on improvements, isn’t a convenient long term solution as far as my kids are concerned. I hope to stay here for several more years if I return to a better state of health, but I will likely move closer to one of my kids when the time comes. I’ve moved a lot, so making new connections is something I’ve done repeatedly over the years.
“That’s just basic financial planning: managing risk to a comfortable level instead of spending a fortune to eliminate it completely.”
I had a friend, a retired detective who took a job as a security consultant for large trade shows well into his 60s. He was busier in that job than he was in his previous ‘day job.’
At any rate, he said his mother very much wanted to go to Hawaii at some point in her life. She died before he took her there. He deeply regretted not taking time out to take that Hawaii trip with her.
Not exactly Dennis’ situation, but on the broader topic of: Listening to mom.
You are so on target. Your sharing and caring helped me a lot today.
Having just done several months of research, just remember that most CCRC’s require that you qualify both financially AND medically. Their model wants residents who can enter at the Independent Living level and stay there –some have a certain number of years in mind for residents, and their medical actuarial analysis if your medical profile reflects that.
So, you must stay on top of keeping yourself healthy or monitor your health to be able to meet this situation.
I am moving to a senior co-op building for now (age 71), but I will be looking ahead to re-evaluate my health and situation as I get into my mid-late 70s, so as to be ahead of the curve if I decide to go the CCRC path.
As I have written before we will start investigating CCRCs in 2028 when we turn 70, and most likely will get on waiting list(s). I getting tired of managing a house with air conditioning installation two years ago, topcoating the driveway with asphalt last year, this year an air/water treatment due to radon/water hardness.
Last week I took on repairing/waterproof in a crack in the foundation of our soon to be ten year old house. Next month I will be ordering replacements for all of our hard wired smoke/CO detectors (should be replaced every decade). Also my wife is getting tired of keeping up the inside of the house. I figure some time in the second half of our 70s we may want to make a move.
My thought is I would rather move a little too early and make social contacts and know where I’m going to be until the end. My wife was a Physical Therapist Assistant and worked in geriatrics and saw the results of not being proactive. We also watched my parents move too late into assisted living to be able to make social connections. I also want my children to be able to know that we are in a safe environment until the end so they can live their lives.
As I’ve posted before, I think moving to a CCRC was one of my best ever decisions. You mention “maximum independence”. I am in “Independent Living”, and I still have a lot of independence: if I’m missing some I haven’t regretted it. I still drive and I go where I want, when I want. On the other hand, I do no cleaning and no maintenance, and a lot less cooking. I have new friends and enjoy new activities. I stayed in the same town, but moved much closer to the center.
I do think that waiting until you need Assisted Living can be a mistake. If I have to move there it will be on the same campus – likely the same building. If you wait you may have little choice, and downsizing will be much harder.
Your experience highlights many of the advantages of moving earlier, and those are worth considering. I just hesitate to call waiting a mistake in general, because people’s finances, health, support systems, and priorities vary so much. For some, an early move is ideal. For others, staying put longer may be the better choice.
Totally agree!
I’ve had the CCRC conversation twice in the last week or two, both with women a few years older, both widows. The older of the two is moving into the nicest one in town this fall. She is 75. She and her late husband got on the waiting list years ago before he passed. The second is in her late 60s, and her husband died some years ago. They had agreed that they would move into this same CCRC when she turned 75 (she was younger than he was), whether they felt they needed to or not.
We just moved into a home at age 66 that with a few relatively minor modifications could work for us for the duration–it even has a lovely guest cottage that a caregiver could live in. But we’re still getting on the list for the CCRC because you just don’t know what’s around the corner.
I think that’s wise. Your new home sounds ideal for aging in place, especially with the guest cottage. But having a place on a CCRC waiting list provides options and a peace of mind.
Dennis:
I too am 75, and I had a recent health scare myself, so your article hit home with me.
My mother passed away at 82, after a brief stay in Hospice, the result of previously undiagnosed pancreatic cancer. My stepmother passed in her sleep, from a heart attack. While my mother lived with her husband, my stepmother had been widowed for 20 years, as my father died from service-connected illnesses, after serving 30 years in the US Army.
My stepfather lived until one month before his 94th birthday, and he spent his last 5 years living with my wife and me, until he had a stroke, on Mother’s Day, 2017. The stroke required hospitalization and follow-up rehab, and then assisted living. The financial part of all of this was never an issue, as he was a retired military member and had an excellent income and assets.
My stepdad, Ed, spent his last 11 months on earth in a memory care unit of an assisted living facility, where he received excellent care. My sister and I lived in the same community, as did one of her daughters, so one of us was at the ALF every evening to have dinner with him. On Sundays, we took him to lunch at different restaurants of his choosing.
Years earlier, he had investigated CCC’s but ruled them out when he learned that he might be separated from his wife, should they not have the same health care needs. He was not willing to be separated from her, ever again. He, too, had been a career military and felt he had been gone far too often. When he had 24 years in for a planned 30-year career, he retired rather than accept an unaccompanied tour to Korea. He had spent 2 years in Korea during the Korean Conflict and was not going back.
Today, his younger brother, who just turned 91, and his wife live in a CCC in Richmond, VA. It is a very nice facility, and he too was financially successful in life and is not financially concerned.
My wife and I have a different situation. My wife refuses to realize we are getting older, and eventually, we will not need, and I will not want, to be living 15 miles outside of town, on six acres, in the woods. We built this house specifically as it is, with side doorways, no steps, all-wood or laminate floors, a walk-in and sit-down ceramic shower in the master, and a Jacuzzi tub. In addition, there is a standard bathroom with a tub-and-shower combination and two half baths. Thenetoire hime is wheelchair- and walker-accessible.
She has not been open to considering CCCs, and to be honest, I am wary of the costs. Like you, we have the portfolio needed to hire help as we might need it, and I have a very benefit-rich LTC insurance policy, as well as LTC riders on our joint life annuities. We actually built the home to allow for a door to be closed (a pocket hallway door), which would separate a full bath and a large and a small bedroom from the rest of the home, if we hired a live-in caretaker. I even have a third garage for that caretaker’s vehicle.
With my mom’s, it was never a choice we had to make. With my dad, the need for memory care, the structure of our original home (45 years old, steps, narrow hallways, and doors, etc.), made the decision for us. Hopefully, neither of us will be so severely ill that we will need ALF or Nursing home care, but if we ever do, at least we will be financially able to weather the storm.
Thanks for your thought-provoking article.
My Mom was adamant about staying in their home of 49 years and Dad setup 24 care for her when she needed it. When one of the 8-hour shifts called in and couldn’t make it, and no backup was available either, my 80+ year-old father had to lift and move my dead weight (no muscle control) Mom to the toilet. It was embarrassing for her and just about killed my father. Mom passed, Dad sold the house immediately and moved into a retirement facility. He called me one day and proudly exclaimed, “When a light bulb goes out, they come to the room and replace it!” After doing everything for 49 years at the old house he just glad to be able to do nothing.
Sure it is a difficult choice. My wife urged for us to review CCRC’s, and of course I said, naw we want to stay in our wonderful new home of 6 years that we built, it had everything we could wish for, with great neighbors. So we looked at 5 places in 2021, then again after my cancer was causing issues, in 2022 five more places. Number 10 was the winner, and since we found our dream apartment we gave them the cash to move in on July 1, 2022. CCRC’s to me are like a cruise ship with no waves and it never leaves port. Activities for everyone, maintenance free, Dining is great, and only one bill to pay besides rent, that is your smartphone. But the big difference is 300 plus people to share your stories, and that makes up for living in your own home. It is a tough call, but I assure you, it is much better than you think. Then of course, the CCRC can take care of you with assisted living, memory or nursing if needed. It is not for everyone, but it is for many, we have 234 apartments and there is a waiting list to get in, it must be pretty good, eh! More good news, my cancer is stable.
This was one of the hardest moments of my mother’s life when, for both care and financial reasons, it was no longer possible for her to remain in her longtime home. She cried and my sister, who lived nearby, felt terrible for having to be the one who helped my mother make this move.
I am now nearing my mother’s age when she was forced to move and am still in good health, but I have made every effort possible to be mentally prepared for the day when I will be forced to make a similar move. Making an effort to also rid ourselves of the detritus that we’ve accumulated over 40+ years is also an ongoing task.
As much as I love living in our home of 30+ years, it is too big for just the 2 of us and I have no illusions that we can somehow age gracefully in place. The day will come when we need care and home is not always the best place to be cared for. Planning for our future has always been a part of our lives and deciding how and where we want to spend our final years is no less important.
My husband’s aunt and uncle decided to move into one of the assisted living communities with step up/down units shortly after retirement. Her rational was that they would have friends and be used to the community when they needed more care. As “youngsters” in the community they are having a great time. I often think they made the right choice but it is a hard one.
i have a friend who recently moved to assisted living with her husband. I don’t know why; she still drives. The apartment is 600 sq ft!! Their days are now filled with exercise classes, crafts, and board games. I don’t see this as a great way to live.
I agree that 600 sq. ft. Is small. My Independent Living apartment is 1,700 sq. ft., really bigger than I need. But I don’t see what is wrong with exercise classes, crafts and board games. I very much appreciate having a gym at the end of the corridor. At one time I took tai chi, now I’m taking dance classes. I don’t play them myself, but bridge, mahjong and billiards are very popular here.
I do Aqua aerobics twice a week and an Aqua flow class once a week; my husband works out in the gym in the same facility. I think exercise is not only good but necessary. But crafts and board games EVERY DAY? That really is like the way I’ve entertained children. I’m not ready for that! I also like being in control of what and when we eat, the privacy of living in my own house, and being in an environment with people of various ages. When and if my husband or I need assisted living or nursing/memory care — none of our parents did— we’ll readily accept it. Two of our children are very well positioned to allow us to skip the line at solid facilities and our LTC insurance and pensions will pay for whatever we need.
I’m trying to convince one of our sons to add an ADU for my wife and I to their property even if means having to purchase a different home (I’ll help with both purchases). We would maintain most of our independence while being close to family. If our son with children did this, we think it would be extremely beneficial, not only for us, but also our grandsons.
My mom made the decision to sell her home in a retirement community and move to an independent living community and in her words was the best decision she has ever made. Why I asked? She says she has made so many friends that she never had and wants to be independent. She has now moved again to an assisted living facility and is once again doing what she loves. Making new friends and going to activities daily. Finding the right place and making it their decision has been a blessing to my mom and to the family. Expensive? Of course. But it is her money not mine and giving her this gift of happiness and independence is worth so much more to me then any inheritance.
Excellent article, Dennis. Everyone’s different, but my wife and I are in the “stay at home” camp and will do what’s necessary to make that work.
Just hoping they perfect driverless cars sooner rather than later!
My mother actually wanted to go into assisted living because she realized her cognitive decline. I kept her out as long as possible by moving her to live near me, hiring people to come in and visiting her daily. I did this to make sure her money could last. When she was 89 I moved her into assisted living near me. I put cameras in her room and complained to the assisted living when she didn’t get great care. I visited 3-4 times a week and was on the family council. She did get good care and she enjoyed the social aspect. However the business model of for profit assisted living is to keep increasing the points/care/monthly fee no matter what. I was constantly trying to offer other solutions instead of increasing the care/cost but to no avail. The executives at assisted living are measured on profitability. It was very stressful for me. She also got constant UTIs and assisted living sent her to the ER by ambulance whenever she got a UTI. She had nice activities until they moved her to the Memory care. Which was awful. Then covid hit and within a week I hired a caregive to live with us 24/7, bought her a hospital bed and moved her to live with me. Although it was more work for me it was less stressful because I knew how she was at all times. I didn’t send her to the ER. She didn’t get anymore UTIs. She died at home peaceful with me. My lesson learned is that I am going to live at home, near my son, with a live in care giver when I need it and bring in services that I need. I will have my son hire a care giver that will take me to social activities because that is important. My son will oversee my care. We have discussed this.
I a not sure if you are in the USA as I am and just wondering if you considered hospice? My mother has just went on hospice and it has been a blessing for sure. Main goal she has, is to age peacefully and enjoy final days and not visit a hospital again. Her wishes which I support her in her sound mind.
I brought in Hospice when my mother was living with me. They are very kind and helpful. I understand that if you are on Hospice you’re not supposed to be sent to the Hospital. However when the elderly get UTIs they act crazy so that wouldn’t have prevented the assisted living facility from sending her by ambulance to the ER when she got a UTI. Within 30 minutes of getting IV antibiotics she was back to her normal. This is very common behavior for the elderly who get UTIs. When I brought her home the caregiver I hired had only my mother to take care of and was able to avoid her getting UTIs.
A physicians friend and his wife just broke ground on a free-standing hospice facility for those who want/need hospice but don’t have family that can accommodate this at home.
My wife’s mother should reach age 99 in November, and my mother 97 in August. Both live semi-independently in their homes. Sharon’s mother is adamant that if she has to leave her home, she will “just go to bed and die.” My mother has told me she will leave when the time comes, but I know she will hang on as long as possible, without recognizing when living in her home has become truly unsafe.
My wife and I are waiting on the sidelines, providing for their needs, trying to stay prepared for the sudden emergency that will most likely come at the worst time, accompanied by many tears.
As physical therapists, my wife and I have been involved in many decisions that patients and their families make at the end of independent life, so we feel we have perhaps have more understanding than many. But, as you indicate Dennis, true understanding may not come until we are face-to-face with an imminent decision ourselves.
Ed,
Even with all the professional knowledge and experience in the world, it’s different when the decisions involve our own parents. It sounds like you and Sharon are doing everything you can to respect their wishes while preparing for the realities to come. Both of your mothers are fortunate to have your support.
At almost 70, am having those conversations w my 93 year old mother. Your article was so honest and helpful. No perfect solution but good planning cant hurt.
Dennis, ageing in place — or the alternatives — is a decision we all have to grapple with eventually. It’s recently appeared on my radar for a few reasons. A few weeks ago, I found myself wandering round the house with a tape measure, checking a few ground-floor pinch points to see whether they’d hinder access for a walker. We’re lucky — living in a converted single-storey property, we’ve got two downstairs bedrooms and a full bathroom, should it ever come to a time when stairs become difficult. Ageing is uncharted territory for all of us; we can only plan as best we can. But as the saying goes… man makes plans, and God laughs.
Mark,
Well said. We can plan and prepare as best we can, but aging has a way of reminding us that not everything is within our control.