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WE’RE ALL CAPTIVES of our own experiences. Want to behave more rationally? We should set aside our life’s anecdotal evidence and instead make decisions using the best information we can find. Yet our experiences—especially those during childhood and that involve family—tend to triumph, shaping our world view and potentially setting us up for costly financial mistakes.
What drives your behavior, financially and otherwise? A little introspection could help you better understand your financial choices—a crucial first step to behaving better. As I look back, here are some key influences on my thinking:
Boarding school. When I was age three, my parents moved from London to Washington, D.C., where my father joined the World Bank. Not long before my 10th birthday, he was posted to Bangladesh for four years, and I went from a coddling elementary school in an affluent D.C. suburb to a spartan English boarding school.
My time at boarding school could hardly have been more defining. In my first term, I found myself sleeping in a dormitory with 11 other kids. Later, there would be a dormitory with 34 others. The buildings were so chilly that students would park their backsides on the cast iron radiators to fend off the cold.
As for the food, I can still picture the huge chunks of slimy white fat dwarfing the accompanying slivers of beef, along with the cabbage cooked so long that the leaves had melded into a pungent, soupy sludge. One consequence: I was left with a lifelong appreciation of basic pleasures like warm showers and good food.
Bangladesh. This gratitude for basic comforts was reinforced by visits to my parents in Dhaka during the school holidays. Even now, I can vividly recall walking through shanty towns and refugee camps, passing the outstretched hands of maimed children and adults.
All this moving around early in life compounded my sense that I was from nowhere. Yes, a few areas of England have a special place in my heart, notably Richmond, Devon and Cambridge. Still, I don’t have deep roots anywhere, and I envy those who do.
By the time I was age 17, I was so used to solo international travel that my parents had few qualms about letting me spend a month traveling around Europe on my own, with $800 in American Express traveler’s checks stuffed in my backpack. I returned with $600.
Being from nowhere—or, to give it a more positive spin, being from “everywhere”—gives me, I believe, a different perspective. One result: I’m much more inclined to invest abroad than most Americans.
Divorce. In retrospect—and having gone through two divorces myself—I think my parents handled their divorce remarkably well, at least from a child’s perspective. I felt like we children were always a priority. Still, I remember the sense during this period that money was in short supply, and I’ve long wanted to avoid that in my own life.
Moving up. My paternal grandfather—whom everybody called Clem—grew up in poverty and left school at age 12. But he went to night school, passed the exam to become a clerical worker in the U.K. Civil Service and ended up solidly middle class. Along the way, he and my grandmother raised two children who both went to Cambridge University, no small achievement in the 1950s for two kids from state schools in the north of England. In fact, when my aunt got into Cambridge, it made the front page of Newcastle’s daily newspaper.
From my father and my paternal grandparents, I learned that education paid dividends. But I also learned that the measure of success wasn’t money, but achievement. Yes, I grew up wanting financial security. But I wanted professional success even more.
Moving down. While my paternal grandparents represented upward social mobility, the reverse was true for my maternal grandparents. My grandfather had come from great wealth. His grandfather was one of Britain’s richest men when he died in 1888. But years of overspending eviscerated the family fortune. When I was growing up, my mother often spoke of the financial mistakes that had been made over the generations, and those stories stayed with me.
By the end of their lives, my maternal grandparents struggled to keep up appearances. Most of their house—except the kitchen and living room—was almost unbearably cold in winter, and mold and water stains marked the ceiling and walls. After my grandmother’s death, the house was promptly torn down by the next owner. Is it any wonder I’m careful with money?
Lean years. As a child and college student, I don’t recall being especially frugal. But frugality became a necessity in my 20s, when I was a poorly paid reporter living in one of the world’s most expensive cities and trying to support a graduate-student wife and two young children.
I was engaged at age 23, married at 24 and a father at 25. Still, I have no regrets about this rush into adulthood, even though the marriage didn’t last. I have two wonderful children, plus the forced frugality meant I developed good money habits that saved me from a lifetime of money stress and put me on the fast track to financial independence.
My father’s retirement. My father was not only a fine athlete—even in his 60s, he could run a 5k at a seven-minute-mile pace—but also highly accomplished. After Cambridge, he spent a decade as a financial journalist in London, including working for the Financial Times and The Telegraph, followed by two decades with the World Bank. His influence on me could hardly be more obvious: I, too, fought to get into Cambridge and then went into journalism.
Despite my father’s impressive career, as soon as he had the chance to take early retirement, he retreated from the world. I came to realize how introverted he really was, and what a struggle it must have been to put on the public face needed to navigate the work world.
A few years after retiring, my father moved to Key West, Florida. It may be paradise to tourists—but it’s also a place where he found little social and intellectual stimulation, and it showed. At age 75, while riding his bicycle, he was struck and killed by a car. But even at that point, there were signs that the years of social isolation had taken their toll. For me, the lesson was clear: Even in retirement, it’s crucial to stay engaged with the world.
Jonathan Clements is the founder and editor of HumbleDollar. Follow him on X (Twitter) @ClementsMoney and on Facebook, and check out his earlier articles.
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Jonathan,
Your transparency and honesty in sharing your personal memories reveals character and adds credibility to your writing. Thank you.
I enjoyed and learned from your article.
Very engrossing. My Dad grew up middle class in what is now Pakistan. However he lost his father at 18 and had to fend for himself, his mother and siblings. After he started his law practice, he paid off the family home and put it in his mother’s name. However he lost the home within months, when the family was forced to flee to India in the 1947 Partition. The loss of his home left Dad with a lifelong distrust of property ownership. We purchased our flat in Bombay at my mother’s insistence. My mum, now 99, lost her mother at 11 and had to leave her home at 17, with 4 younger siblings, to escape an abusive father. All achieved a measure of success. My parents instilled in us thrift and humility. From my Mum I learnt positivity and a belief in God. From my Dad, that no amount of money is worth compromising your integrity.
I have followed you since your days at WSJ. I am sure you have numerous tales to tell about your life experiences. Thank you for sharing.
“At age 75, while riding his bicycle, he was struck and killed by a car. But even at that point, there were signs that the years of social isolation had taken their toll. For me, the lesson was clear: Even in retirement, it’s crucial to stay engaged with the world.”
This intrigued me, as KW in particular, is known for being a very social, extra-friendly town for locals. Maybe someday, you’d consider writing an article about him? He sounds interesting – someone who, by necessity, masked his true self to succeed professionally, then reclaimed his real personality upon retiring.
I’m sure many here would enjoy reading more, especially if framed within the context of considerations/warning signs for us hard-wired introverts in retirement.
As an off-the-charts introvert, social involvement is “medicine” to me- not a pleasure at all. Once retired, it’s so tempting to do what’s comfortable and enjoyable vs. what’s “good” for me.
Most people don’t understand this, but it’s very hard to keep socially engaged when you really don’t enjoy it.
Thanks for the comment. It’s been almost 15 years since my father’s death, so I can’t speak to what Key West is like today. But in the time my father was there, two things struck me. First, KW had grown increasingly expensive and an ever-larger share of the houses were second homes, which meant the pool of locals was shrinking, with many folks driven further up the Keys and only coming to KW to work. Second, as I took to saying, many folks in KW ended up there for a reason — meaning they felt they didn’t fit in elsewhere and were drawn to KW’s no-judgment, low-key lifestyle. My father made friends, but often they were struggling with their own issues, including alcoholism and depression, and their struggles meant they weren’t steadfast friends to my father.
Thank you! So interesting to hear your follow up. KW was once the inspiring spark for so many incredible poets, writers and musicians. But everything you describe about the place is even more true today.
I’m sure many of us introverts can relate to your father. The corporate culture didn’t understand or reward introverts during my working years. “Fake it” was the only way to make it.
It’s both a big relief – and clearly a health risk – to revert back to the comfort/safety of isolation.
I think the trick for us hard-wired introverts is to think of it the way we do exercise and diet. Not fun. But the alternative may be worse.
Thanks again for the article!
Jonathan and Nicholas, I’m sorry about your father’s tragic death.
This is a great article. In my own case, early experiences had a profound effect on every decision I made. Major one was moving to USA from India, giving up a comfortable life for an uncertain future. After four decades, I can look back and say it worked out really well.
Article says “Even in retirement, it’s crucial to stay engaged with the world.”. Very true. I find some retirees do not put priority on building a social network. That could be a problem in the long run.
Very true for immigrants. We tend to return to India every year and semi-retire there. Old friends and relatives compete with grandkids for our emotional attention!
Thank you for your story. I know I was shaped by my parents and how they grew up. One thing I remember to this day is my mom saying she ate her first egg when she was 12. Her family had chickens but they needed to trade the eggs for necessities.
Thanks for this, Jonathan—I enjoyed it greatly. I’m impressed by how you’re able to draw a straight line from each of your early experiences to an aspect of your current makeup. If I tried it, I’m afraid the result would look more like a chaotic abstract painting than a neat diagram!
Our time in Bangladesh has had a lifelong effect on me. Those were my formative years. I hate to see food wasted. I don’t like seeing lights left on unnecessarily. I am uncomfortable in luxury environments. I am more comfortable spending time in remote Mexican villages and spending time with the people who live there. The poverty of Bangladesh will be with me always.
Excellent article and sound advice as always. I often reflect on my past to better understand my behavior and preferences so that I can move forward in a more thoughtful way. One event that shaped my conservative financial habits was my Dad losing his job unexpectedly at age 50. He was never the same person after that experience and always stressed the importance of being prepared (financially and emotionally) for anything. I have faced job elimination twice during my 35 year career in financial services and both times I was able to draw on the strength of my family and my own resilience to bounce back and find new roles. I learned to be prepared without living in fear of what might happen.
I share all but one of your “formative factors,” so it’s interesting to hear how you see those impacting your values. Thanks for sharing.
My dad changed jobs in 1966 and most of our immediate family moved to southern California. My older brother who was born during WWII was already over 21 was married, in college in the evenings and working full time stayed in southern Ohio. My older sister who had just started college in northern Ohio stayed at that school for two years before transferring to a northern California school. I was going into my senior year of high school when the move occurred and I chose to move after high school to the southeast for college and have never left my college town except for my two years in the Army. My much younger two brothers were raised in southern California and their lives were impacted by the era and location of their upbringing which was substantially different than their older siblings.
A job decision in 1966 by my dad and mom that resulted in our major move forever changed the course of all of their children lives and the impact of their decision ripples into future generations. In my life experience I observe the location choices made by parents as one of the major forces in determining the future direction of the life outcome of their children. I feel I see that much more clearly at 73 than I did 50+ years ago. I expect my Mom and Dad are happy with the outcome of their decisions and would think your parents are as well.
Thanks for sharing your ongoing journey.
As a “late octogenarian” and long time follower, I believe that this is your best posting ! Thank You.
Now I have to ask: any relation to this site’s Richard Quinn?
Another wonderfully written post which I will be saving to refer back to in the future. Thank you for your insights, Jonathan.
OK Jonathan. After this beautiful memoir, I hereby will permit you to be my biographer. Let’s negotiate.
What a perfect personal essay. Just enough to let us know you without oversharing. You are gifted writer! I’m sure there were many years of hard work to become “gifted”.
thank you!
Thanks for sharing. Living in SE Floria I see in amazement seniors riding on the road, sometimes two abreast. Keep up the great work
Good story Jonathan. Reflecting upon our upbringing and family environment is good. I have done that often in retirement. When I was working, I never had time for that.
I grew up in a blue collar family in Appalachia in the 50s. My dad only had 4 years of school and my mother only 7 years. They were very good providers for their 3 children even though they had a modest income. They also instilled values in us that I came to appreciate later in life.
I was the first one to graduate from college and I paid my own way, working fulltime, going to school at night, and with a wife and young children. It was worth it in many respects and I have to share credit with my wife who took care of the kids and provided encouragement to me when I needed it.
When my mother died, I was her executor and went through her finances. Christmas club receipts, layaways, and other things people did before credit cards became prevalent were included. I am impressed with how they managed things back then. We took a nice vacation every year, always had nice clothes, and never lacked for anything we truly needed. But the thing I appreciate most from my parents was the character and honesty they taught us.
After retirement, my older sister told me that she considered our mother to be one of the smartest people she ever met. I agree. She read a lot and would often share worldly insights. I guess you would say that she had “street smarts”. They do not offer a degree in that, but if you do not have it, you will pay the price many times.
You’ve certainly led a colorful life, Jonathan. I’ll bet you have many great stories to tell!
Thank you for giving us a glimpse of how you arrived at who you are today. Your perspective on the summary of your life’s experiences was welcomed reading. Life is certainly an adventure!
Considering how formative childhood experiences are, I’m always bemused by how different I am from my 3 slightly younger siblings. Same family experiences, but VERY different attitudes and approaches toward work, play, and money, to name a few things.
So, even while being formed and defined by life experiences (and maybe birth order?), I can’t help but think a lot of who we are is defined by “who we are” from Day 1.
Studies comparing identical and fraternal twins and identical twins reared apart have concluded that the heritability of the Big 5 personality traits ranges from 40%-60%. Conscientiousness, which includes achievement striving, planfulness and self-discipline, has a heritability estimate of 44%.
I find it interesting that most people will readility accept the finding that extraversion has a heritability of 53% but are much less open to the evidence supporting the heritability of self-discipline.
Purely anecdotal evidence: My older brothers — who are identical twins — are remarkably similar in almost every way, including conscientiousness. But I’d also say that’s a strong trait in both my parents, and my sister and me.
Agreed — I firmly believe nature trumps nurture.
Those experiences could probably be described as traumatic. While they helped shape you in a good way, I can see how they might have an opposite effect on someone else. Perhaps genetics play a role?
While experiences shape us, I think much of how we react to life’s turmoil comes down to nature. I feel fortunate to have an absurd amount of doggedness coupled with a healthy dose of optimism.
Interesting life and enjoyable article – except for the reminder of UK school food. Although the offerings at my day school weren’t as bad as your boarding school, dessert especially was awful. We called one version frog spawn. Emmanuel looks lovely.
I don’t recall frog spawn. But there was the infamous toad in a hole, and the even more infamous spotted dick. For readers who think the latter is something that requires large doses of antibiotics, here’s a gourmet version:
https://www.culinaryexploration.eu/blog/classic-spotted-dick
The version we were offered at school was basically suet plus raisins — no other fancy flavoring.
I very much enjoyed your retrospective. In ’08, our family moved to North Yorkshire for my husband’s job and the kids attended British school while we were there. Harry Potter made so much more sense now! It was a “private” school (“public” in their terminology?) so the food was pretty good by their account. I very much agree with the idea that moving around has a profound impact, especially while young. Thank you for your insightful stories!
I find toad in the hole can be OK, especially if you just eat the sausage. Frog spawn was our name for tapioca, although semolina was as bad.
I enjoyed reading your story and agree a little introspection is a good thing. I think Socrates would agree with you, too.
Jonathan, thanks for sharing this. It was interesting, informative, and enjoyable all at once. We share something – I was also engaged at 23, married at 24, and a father at 25 (and again at 27). I finished my engineering degree via night school at 28. When Vicky and I look back at those years we wonder how we did it. It was a challenge, but we were extremely lucky to have the love and support of our nearby parents, who were very willing and happy to help.
That’s quite a journey Jonathan. Thank you for sharing. Who we are surely affected by who they were.
Knowing yourself is one of the hardest things to learn; not just a matter of becoming acquainted with your past and experiences, but also not being bound or limited by it.
Thank you, Jonathan, for your. Very insightful article.
Well said!
100%! The key phrase being “but also not being bound or limited by it”
Thank you for sharing that story Jonathan, I really enjoyed reading it.
There used to be an expression “I’m going to California—or some other place—to find myself.” You’ve done that by traveling through the full sweep of your life through your memories. You’re right, it’s a very valuable exercise.
Thanks for sharing your experiences and unique perspectives. Not retired yet but can see we need to understand and plan what our next chapter will look like and how to stay engaged. Health is very important too. My mother is in a nursing home with Alzheimer’s. Her bad eating, lack of exercise, and social isolation I know contributed to her decline.