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Last year I wrote a couple of HD articles called “When and Where?” about my upcoming retirement decisions. The “when” is settled: I’m retiring on July 1 (checks countdown app: 1 month & 28 days!). The “where,” I thought was also settled: We’d stay in the college town (Davis, CA) where we’ve lived for over 30 years, raised our kids, and built a life.
We’re now rethinking the “where,” but in two different ways: (1) Do we stay in Davis, or might we move to San Diego County near our daughter? (2) If we do stay in our town, do we stay in the condo we bought in 2019, or do we buy a different home?
As to #1, we are aware of the pitfalls of relocating in retirement to be near an adult child. If we did move to San Diego County, the primary reason would indeed be to be a more active part of her life. Secondarily, though, we love the ocean and the coastal climate—yet have lived in hot inland parts of California for most of our adult lives. We fell in love with San Diego before she moved there, and there’s a lot it could offer us, with or without her being there.
If we stay in Davis, it would be because of our roots there: our church, our friends, our comfort level because of so much familiarity (doctors, optometrist, dentist, hair stylist, massage therapist, Pilates studio, nail salon, you get the idea), and proximity to the university where I will be a professor emerita (and get discounts on the performing arts center, basketball games, etc.). Most of our families, except for the daughter in San Diego and my husband’s elderly stepfather, live in Northern California in easy driving distance, so we’d be trading proximity to them, too.
As to #2, though we enjoy our condo, the larger home community we live in (pool, walking trails, clubhouse, etc.), and our neighbors, we’re put off by a couple of things if we consider this a long-term home: the high fees for two HOAs (which have risen from $500 to over $700/month in six years), the lagging values of the condos on the local real estate market, and practical issues such as elevators going out of service, which concern us when we think of living on the top floor as we get older. We can climb three flights of stairs now when we have to, but later?
The biggest reason to possibly move out of the condo to a single-family home, though, is that I really, really, really want a dog. It’s been almost seven years since we lost our last dog, and I have a dog-shaped hole in my heart. Dogs are certainly allowed in our condo, there’s a dog park and walking trails on property, and I’ll be retired and have plenty of time to care for a dog. But having a dog in a condo is a bigger hassle than in a house with a yard.
Both housing markets we’re considering are expensive, and we can afford a moderate upgrade if we choose to go that route. But we don’t want to make a hasty mistake.
So here’s how we’re trying to look at this:
We may end up doing nothing at all, and I’ll either deal with having my aspirational dog in our condo or give up the dog idea for now. It’s an interesting set of variables and choices, though.
My wife and I just returned from a wonderful 2.5 driving trip in the Southwest and so I am just catching up on the posts. I noted the comments about dogs, travel and retirement. For several years in retirement-my wife is fully retired and I consult part-time we had two dogs and traveled frequently on driving trips and took our dogs with us and stayed at hotels that take dogs of which there are more and more due to demand. Many of these trips were work or work+fun/family but many were family and fun only. We always left our pups at a kennel with vets and day care so they got good attention and care. In fact we chose our vets with this mind. Both our dogs passed in spring 2023 and my wife wasn’t ready for a dog until early this year when we rescued an older dog. We put in the same kennel for our recent trip-something she had never done before-and she did fine. Obviously this is not a cheap option and it may be hard to find a good place depending on the area but it works for us and the dogs do fine. We get report cards and can also view the dogs on video. For the most part my wife doesnt use friends or family for watching her dogs because she had a bad experience. Good luck to you and I hope you find a way to make it work.
In 2000 G was diagnosed with a severe case of Rheumatoid Arthritis. It was quite serious and was she put on a drug regimen. We were living in a condo about 35 miles west of Chicago and winters were particularly difficult.
During the winter of 2002 I suggested we escape for a couple of weeks. We flew to Miami and drove the length of the Keys, staying at Key West; she had never been there. Among other things, her symptoms were greatly diminished. After that, we took a winter vacation each year. I suggested that she talk to her doctors about the benefits of relocation as opposed to increasing her drugs. She was at the point a biologic was being discussed. One of her doctors was enthusiastic about that. We began planning, taking trips in a car or flying, while staying in motels.
A few years later we rented and then purchased a Class B RV, a Roadtrek 210P. I began reducing my work hours and I convinced G to retire early. We began exploring via the RV. We were looking for possible relocation sites. I’d scoped the U.S. and had drawn circles on a map of the country of possible zones of relocation. I researched the weather, amenities, etc.
We began exploring. I wrote a blog and a Youtube channel of our adventures. In early spring 2014 we spent a couple of weeks in Tucson AZ. The weather was perfect. However, we know summers would be warmer than our choosing. We decided that a spot on the eastern shore of Lake Michigan would be nice in the summer. That location would keep us reasonably close to friends and family located in the Midwest. There would be the Sonoran desert in the winter and cool westerly breezes off Lake Michigan in the summer.
We saw a 30 ft RV for sale in a nice campground on the Michigan shore and wine trail. We know the Roadtrek would be a bit cramped for full time use, although we had once lived in it for 90 continuous days. We purchased the RV and took over the site. Returning to AZ we saw a sheltered site at a 50+ resort in Tucson and we signed an annual agreement and purchased the assets on the site. We had now set up two lily pads. In 2015 I further reduced my work hours and we purchased a 40ft 5th wheel for the AZ site. It was to be stationary. With 1-1/2 baths and 5 slides it was a mini-home. We drove the Roadtrek between the condo, AZ and MI while exploring. We lived mostly in AZ and MI with occasional stays at the condo. I further reduced my hours. One winter I rented a car and drove from AZ to Cupertino, CA, spending a month there as a consultant, leaving G in Tucson. We took a cruise to the western Caribbean on Christmas to do something different.
We annually drove drive the Roadtrek between the condo, AZ and MI while exploring elsewhere. We lived mostly in AZ and MI with occasional stays at the condo. We continued to explore as I reduced my hours.
Then I became gravely ill in 2022. I retired completely. We sold the 5th wheel and the Illinois condo and purchased a home in the Tucson resort. In 2023 we did little travel other than care of family.
In 2024 as my treatment progressed and my medical leash became longer, we began travelling again.
We’ll resume the circuit in 2025, possibly staying in MI July and August. We may travel to Chicago area and Michigan’s Upper Peninsula. Returning to Tucson via a circuitous route to visit a friend in TN. Then resume treatments, nephrostomy tube exchange etc. G will take several airline trips in 2025, visiting family and buddies at a high school reunion in New York.
Great story! I’m glad you found ways to get out and about despite the challenges.
Interesting thread, thanks. I am 4-8 mos from retirement (though we can afford for me to cut the chord now, which I am thinking about on this relaxed Sunday morn!), am in Austin near one of our adult kids. We have lived our entire adult lives here, have a lot of connections. We have 2 strong opposite pulls: 1) spouse’s two elderly parents are here, and they will need our help -which we want to provide. They won’t be around forever. And 2) we are done with the heat. My wife in partic gets truly depressed about climate change, and the recent prolonged 100+ Fahrenheit summers have not helped. I did residency in the PNW (Portland), we’d be happy in Portland or Seattle areas.
Maybe a condo (that works with our pets!) would work – but I foresee that keeping up two homesites would start to feel like a drag, and that we wouldn’t feel settled or connected to either place.
We are lucky to have options.
Yeah, it sounds like you get where I’m coming from. Complicated set of factors that are unique to everyone.
Texas heat is different from inland California heat and probably even worse. You have the humidity and we have the dry stuff that can go north of 105 for multiple days. My best life includes being mostly away from Davis in July and August. For the past few years, we’ve done coastal or Tahoe “beat the heat” trips in July, renting a VRBO or using timeshare.
Best of luck to both of us in sorting all this out, and congrats on your imminent retirement!
Dana, we also try to escape some of the hot, wet summer months in FL when we can. We tend to use Airbnb and I discovered that if I book a place for 31 days or more (instead of 30 or less), we don’t pay the sometimes very high taxes. That’s because the rental period is then considered a long term lodging rather than short term. I’m not sure if that’s true for every state, but it’s been the case in places we’ve stayed. I stumbled across this when booking a place in Seattle. I increased the length of our stay and saw that the total cost went down significantly when we stayed longer. My research into how that could be led to this information.
Interesting, thanks! I’ll check that out the next time we book something.
When I retired, my wife & I sold the condo and jumped in the RV, (with our dog!) We traveled across the US for 2 years and enjoyed life in ways I can’t describe. Then we found a home just a few blocks from our daughter and bought it. She passed 3 months after we moved in and I find myself in a small Iowa town where I do not know anyone, except my daughter & her family. My point; consider all the unlikely possibilities and consider a “plan B” for each of them.
Deepest condolences on your loss.
I’m so sorry to hear about your wife, but I love that you had that RV adventure. 🙏
I agree, do nothing until you are settled in retirement life.
Is there any chance if you do move that your daughter might later relocate herself for some reason leaving you alone in the area?
We moved to a condo near our old neighborhood so we kept all the relationships you mention. That was important to Connie.
We never had any plans to actually relocate as our children are all within about an hour away, one twenty minutes.
SF. wise our condo is about the size of our old house 2,000 sf we actually gained a family room and larger kitchen.
We moved in Sep 2018. The HOA was $700 a month, now it is $950. There is a lot of property as the community is 9 three story buildings spread over several acres.
Over the years the elevator issue has popped up about five times. All but once fixed within a day. We are on the second floor. There are several people in our building who can’t do stairs.
In 2018 we paid $580,000, now the condos sell quickly between $900,000 and $1 million.
Of course, there are big differences between NJ and So Cal, but you have identified the issues.
My only advice is to plan for what is likely to be best for you in the long-term even what may not apply today.
It’s hard to predict the future about our daughter. She’s 31 and single, three pets but no kids. She seems as rooted in North San Diego County as anywhere, and I’m not sure where she’d move if she doesn’t stay where she is. We’ve tried to persuade her to move back to our area near us, but she just doesn’t want to do that, not because of us (we have a strong relationship) but because of unhappy memories from growing up in our home town that she doesn’t want to live with every day.
That said, she lives near the Marine base at Camp Pendleton, and who knows?—She could meet someone next weekend, end up getting married, and then he gets stationed somewhere else. So I think the answer is that if we move down there, we need to be prepared to create our own support system. That’s why we’ll take some time and exploration before making such a major decision.
I’d say it’s probably 80-20 in favor of staying in Davis, but for some reason, we can’t seem to close the door entirely on at least exploring the other option.
Our condo situation sounds similar. We actually moved from a 1950 SF house (4 BR, 2 BA, 2-car garage, nice backyard) to our 1995 SF 3 BR, 2.5 BA condo with a first-floor garage and two assigned parking spaces, a nice-sized storage closet on our floor, and nice grounds around the condos (a small park right next to us, a dog park not far, a walking loop, etc.). The layout of the condo is more modern than our 80s house was, so we have a lovely great room with lots of natural light, a nice laundry room, and a great master bath and huge walk-in closet. We gave up a fourth bedroom, a yard, a larger kitchen, and a garage to put non-car stuff into(!).
There are eight buildings with four each in different parts of the larger home community. And as I mentioned, the HOA dues keep going up. The elevator situation is a concern. We live on the top (fourth) floor. There have been times where the elevator in another building has gone down for multiple days, and people with mobility issues are virtually trapped there. We’re fine for now, but…
Dana, it is certainly a conundrum to decide where to live given your conflicting feelings and choices. We are very fortunate to have our kids and grandkids in the same town and a nearby city, 30 minutes away from where we live and raised our family. As mentioned by Jan, Rick and Chris, there are strong draws to be near children and grandkids (if thats in your future). We never had to make a choice such as yours to move from the home/ area where your roots and friends are centered. In fact, we “doubled down” by buying a 2nd home by the Jersey shore (Rick, we will arrange to meet up there soon….I Promise) with an hour’s drive of where we live. This has been a blessing to get us all together just about weekly during the summer months. I hope you can test out various options as others here have suggested before settling on a permanent arrangement for your future living arrangements. Good Luck.
That sounds great! Leaving the roots we’ve put down in Davis would be hard, for sure. I think we’d have to persuade ourselves that being near our daughter would be worth it and that maybe a change could be good and invigorating.
Maybe it’s also just some restlessness because I’m retiring soon and just feel like shaking things up a bit and trying something new. We moved to Davis in 1991, so we’re coming up on 34 years in June. On the one hand, it’s hard to walk away from all of that history and familiarity. On the other, that’s a long time in one place. Sometimes I drive around town and feel like I’m bumping into ghosts of my much younger self: Oh, look, I’m driving past the elementary school that I ferried kids to for 12 years, the city gym and pool where I took preschoolers for lessons, the soccer fields, etc. It feels a little weird and sad sometimes.
I’m usually the one in my marriage who resists change. I grew up in the same house in the same small town until I left for college. My husband grew up in a military family and moved often. He’s typically the one who’s suggesting we go to an open house or look around, but this time I have the itch myself.
I won’t offer any advice about moving but I 100% approve of getting a dog!
Dana, if it were possible for me, I’d live near my children and grandchildren in a heartbeat. But I’d simultaneously give myself permission to make a future change if necessary. As for getting a dog, I really had my heart set on getting one, but my husband wasn’t as enthusiastic. Now our little guy and my husband are each other’s support animal! We used to frequently travel by motorcycle on extended cross country trips and now we tow the bike to be able to bring him with us. Any concessions we have made to accommodate our dog has been made with happy hearts. It helps with the travel that he weighs only 17 lbs, is non-shedding and a friendly little guy to everyone he meets.
I’m sure that whatever you decide will be based on the best data you have – and your heart.
Thanks for the pro-dog comment! I’m in the same boat as you were with your husband. Mine loves dogs but is also aware that we want to travel and live in a condo. It’s smart to think it through from all angles, for sure.
I definitely want some kind of doodle so that it doesn’t shed. We had a yellow Lab, and she was awesome, but we were still finding her hair when we moved a year after she died. My daughter has a mini Goldendoodle about the size of yours named Dolly Parton. ❤️
Our Rooney (named after Andy Rooney’s eyebrows for an obvious reason when you see him) is a Havanese. If you aren’t familiar with that breed, it might be useful to check them out. We have over 25 of them residing in our 55+ community – all with different coat textures and colors! There are several of us who take in other pups to avoid anyone needing to hire someone or board their pups when traveling. We’ll be happily having a sweet little 10 lb girl stay with us for a month upon our return. In spite of my obvious enthusiasm for having a dog, I do recognize what a big decision that is to make.
I love that about neighbors taking turns dog sitting! It reminds me of when my younger daughter was in high school and the older one was away at college. We’d want to go somewhere for an overnight or a weekend sometimes, and she was too old to be left with a sitter but too young to be left alone, so we’d trade weekends with parents of her friends.
The 55+ community I’m eyeing in Oceanside has several dog parks and dozens of clubs, plus a golf course, fitness center, walking trails, and pool complex. I could totally see, if we lived there, having a dog and making friends to trade off dog sitting when we travel. Plus our daughter would help us with the dog when she could. Hmmmm
In our 55+ community there are many residents (at least 20) who offer dog sitting services. Some take the dogs to their own home but many of them are willing to stay at the owner’s home.
And speaking of traveling with our dog, we just arrived yesterday in Santa Fe, NM from Florida. And as I mentioned above, we pulled our motorcycle so we could bring him. Today we are settling in to the house we rented for the month of May and looking out our back windows on a scene that is probably very much like the original Native Americans and early settlers saw. The beautiful mountains and valleys are humbling. The house is full of books and I found a few on labyrinths, which I’ve begun to read. There is a large one here that replicates the famous Chartres labyrinth in France. As I read, I’m fascinated by the spirituality and mysticism associated with walking the labrynth. Though it seems that I’ve already made a blunder as I walked it with quick steps to place an egg on one of the stumps in the center for the resident raven (she came and got it within 15 minutes). I plan to learn more about them and then walk it several more times while we’re here but in the appropriate slow meditative way.
Dana, best of luck making this decision. We moved twice in the last 5 years, and are happy that we’ve ended up near our children and grandchildren. I think a trial run in a new location makes a lot of sense. One thing I’ve learned since retiring is that it doesn’t mean it’s the end. You get to choose what you want your retirement to be, and if things change you get to change your mind. Decisions aren’t irreversible if things change.
Thanks, Rick. I’ve followed your moves with interest! Good point about being able to change your mind. I definitely can get analysis paralysis.
Dana, we moved near our children 10 years ago. It turned out to be great! Our daughter was a newlywed. We knew they would need help when they had kids and we were right. They just put a contract on a bigger house that is in our part of the neighborhood, on the next street over from us. Our son is still single but we help him too. I think your plans sound well thought out and you are not doing anything quickly. That is good. Chris
Thanks, Chris! That’s good to hear.
I have lived in Sacramento area, Orange County, and San Diego. They have vastly different cultures and health systems. For your consideration: you can have it all with Davis as primary home, San Diego as secondary home.
I faced similar retirement decisions 7 years ago: staying put in Sacramento, moving to San Francisco Bay Area (for my wife’s parents), or San Diego (for my parents). We decided SF Bay Area as the primary home, Orange County as the secondary home. I still travel to SD frequently to see my siblings and old friends.
SD healthcare systems cannot hold a candle to Davis, even with Scripps, Sharp, UC San Diego, and Southern California Kaiser systems. Among practicing physicians, we compare SD healthcare systems to Walmart, while Northern CA healthcare systems to Nordstrom.
I am sure individual experience varies, but as a minority immigrant living in the US for 50 years, I feel welcome everywhere in NorCal and isolated in SD. Ethnic restaurants and Asian markets could not thrive in SD for the past 5 decades despite large immigrant populations.
Interesting observation about the healthcare options. Definitely something to check out if we get more serious about relocating.
San Diego is an awful place to live. The weather never changes. No snow to shovel. What fun is that. Sand, surf and what? No one should move to SD. And everyone who lives there should move out. 😉
😂
Wise not to do anything for a year. Have you discussed this with SD daughter? She may not want the responsibility of helping you build a whole new social life and connections in SD and you don’t mention grandchildren which would be a primary reason for “needing” you there. The way you write about Davis, I’m not sure trading it for a big city is a wash.
I’m also biased but I’d weight proximity to the Sierras and Tahoe basin as higher than the beach.
Doing a VRBO trial residence is maybe a good toe in the water but if you do get a puppy you’ll probably be busy training for the first year.
Our daughter lives in North San Diego County, so not the big city proper. She’d be happy if we moved down there, but we wouldn’t expect her to provide our social connections. We’d figure that part out ourselves before making a decision to move. For example, I’ve already found a church in Oceanside for us to visit when we’re down there for three weeks in July. And as I mentioned, one of the housing options is an amazing 55+ community that has a ton going on. If we lived there and had already picked a church, we’d have an infrastructure that doesn’t rely on her.
As for the area, we’re definitely beach/ocean people more than Tahoe/ski people. I don’t like cold weather. We live about 2.5 hours from Tahoe now and have been there maybe twice in the past 10 years, most recently in 2023.
Great questions/points to raise—thanks!
You seem very financially secure. Could you rent a small place in San Diego and keep the condo in Davis? Wouldn’t an arrangement like that give you proximity to both of your daughters?
But for sure get a dog!!!! They’re great retirement companions. They do assure constant social interactions. And ignore those who say it will limit your ability to travel. We either take our dog with us— just got back from a trip to the Outer Banks of NC— or leave the dog in a veterinarian- recommended kennel.
Renting in San Diego as a way to have a foot in both places is an interesting idea. And you’re right about the dog—there are certainly ways to balance travel and dog ownership. My mom and my sister use an outfit called TrustedHousesitters.com and get their pet care for free. My sister and brother-in-law go to their second home in Italy for up to three months at a time, and the housesitters have mostly worked out great for them.
What about international travel? What about travel lasting more than a couple of weeks? Deferring the dog to the slow-go years might be a better idea.
That is definitely a major consideration and why we’ve been without a dog for nearly seven years. I well remember having to arrange care for our Lab before any trip, even an overnight. If we moved closer to our daughter, that would be a partial solution. She’s a dog owner herself and has already said she’d take care of our dog when we travel (because I’ve raised that issue as our primary one for hesitating).
I’m trying to balance our desire to travel in these go-go years with the possible lifespan of a dog. A dog decision is not imminent for these reasons, but it does affect our thoughts about housing.
Europe wouldn’t be a problem. The Queen Mary 2 accepts them and has a special area for them. I don’t know about other locations, but how many 6 month stays is she planning? In the US and Canada, I’ve never had a problem finding a hotel that accepts dogs, and our dog was able to travel on the CAT from Maine to Nova Scotia and the ferry from NS to Prince Edward Island. Our dog is a small terrier— we picked a breed that can be accommodated in cabin on planes and easily travel in our car.
“Delaying life” is rarely a good idea.
The QM accepts a limited number of cats and dogs (24). More info here. The QM both ways also adds nearly two weeks to the trip.
My longest trip was ten months and I took several six month ones. You don’t need to tell me about carpe diem…
I know that some dog lovers in this group (I am one!) will not like this comment, but consider what getting a dog means on retirement travel and flexibility. The super spontaneous decision on a Friday to go somewhere for the weekend my be negated if dogs aren’t allowed. Kennels (around here) need to be booked in advance, and kennel costs are seemingly rising all the time.
As far as where to live – I like the suggestion of spending some time in retirement where you are now before considering what’s next.
You’re right, Jeff, and so is Kathy. Desire to travel, have spontaneous weekends, etc. is a big consideration as to whether we’ll get another dog anytime soon. It’s probably a bigger issue than living in the condo, honestly.
Some thoughts:
I would take no action until also trying the six month stay – a full year would be better.
How likely is it that your daughter will stay put?
What is your long term plan? Do you intend to try to age in place?
Good questions, Kathy. It seems more likely now than it did six months ago that our daughter will make that area her long-term home. At that point, she had a boyfriend in the military who was about to get assigned/deployed somewhere, and she was considering making the next move with him. But that relationship ended (that’s a good thing), she has a promising new job, and she’s been having success at breaking into the live music scene in San Diego (she’s a singer/songwriter).
Long-term plan: I wouldn’t say we’re set on aging in place. Whether in Davis or in San Diego, we’ll get on some CCRC lists to keep our options open.
Thanks!