Going it Alone by Dennis Friedman

When Rachel and I got married, I was already in my 60s. After our wedding, my sister said to Rachel, “You take good care of my brother.” My cousin Barb told her husband, Kent, “I don’t know what would have happened to Dennis if he had never met Rachel.”

I got the impression they didn’t think I could take care of myself in retirement — that it would be too difficult to go it alone. I get it. From the perspective of my sister and Barb — both of whom have been married a long time — it might seem terrifying to face retirement alone.

I sometimes think about how different my life would be if I were suddenly on my own at age 74. Would my decisions about money, housing, and healthcare be different?

Make no mistake — I think the world of Rachel. She’s the best thing that has ever happened to me. But eventually, many people will lose their companion and be forced to go it alone.

Here’s what I think my life would look like fending for myself as a senior.

Money: Every year, I tell my wife I’m going to drop Vanguard’s Personal Advisor Select as our financial advisor — but I never do. I often wonder, “Are we getting our money’s worth?” This year, though, I’m glad we didn’t make a change. With all the market turmoil, it was reassuring to know that she’d have someone reliable to turn to if anything were to happen to me.

If the roles were reversed, would I still keep the advisor? I believe I would — at least for the first year. One of the benefits of having an advisor is the protection from your own emotions. As Warren Buffett said, “The most important quality for an investor is temperament, not intellect.”

After such a terrible loss, I imagine I’d be overwhelmed. Having a trusted, steady hand managing my investments while I found my footing would be a real comfort.

Housing: When Rachel is gone for extended visits to take care of her mother, I realize how much work it is for one person to do the cooking, shopping, laundry, yard work, house cleaning — all the day-to-day stuff. I can do it now, but how much longer can I keep it up if I live a long life?

I wouldn’t have to worry about maintaining the house. We have a great handyman who does excellent work and charges a fair price — and he’s young enough that retirement isn’t on his radar. I could also hire help for house cleaning and yard work. Still, I know I’d eventually want to move.    

I don’t want to take a chance on the same thing happening to me as it did to my childhood friend Art.

The last time I spoke with Art, Rachel and I were about to leave for Europe. He was in hospice, alone at home, and down to 95 pounds. He had no partner or children — just a brother nearby who could help occasionally. He even bought his own coffin.

Art was later moved to a hospice facility, but the image of him facing death mostly alone has stayed with me.

To avoid that, I would rent an apartment in an assisted living community where I could get the help I need when I need it. I wouldn’t want to live with anyone, including my family. I’d want my own place, but I’d also want the opportunity to connect with other folks.

I would sell the house — unless my stepson, who lives in Virginia, wanted it. Then I’d rent it out and hire a property management company to oversee it.

The rental income, Social Security, and required minimum distribution would be more than enough to cover my expenses.

Health Care: According to a Washington Post article, “Your chance of developing dementia at some point is uncomfortably high. Forty-two percent of Americans older than 55 will develop the condition during their lifetime, a recent Nature Medicine study estimates. It’s also on the rise: More than 500,000 had it in 2020; by 2060, that’s expected to double.”

Although I don’t show signs of dementia, I’ve been thinking about the possibility of developing Alzheimer’s. I would feel safer and more comfortable moving into a community that offers assisted living and memory care. If I ever needed more care or help navigating the healthcare system, I could hire a healthcare advocate  — someone who would make sure I understand my options and receive the best possible care.

When is the best time to make the move and seek help? For me, it’s when I feel my quality of life would significantly improve in a retirement community — where I can focus more on enjoying my day and less time worrying about all the day-to-day responsibilities.

When I think about what life would be like without Rachel, I realize that getting older isn’t easy — and losing someone you love is even harder.