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I TRY NOT TO WORRY too much these days. Although I’m retired, it doesn’t mean my life is carefree. There’s always something I could worry about.
After all, as we age, we tend to have more health problems to fret about, and just as many money issues. We can also find ourselves alone for the first time in decades without our partner, the stabilizing force in our life.
My mother worried a lot after my father passed away. It got so bad she couldn’t sleep at night. She said she couldn’t turn off all the bad thoughts that kept her awake. I think a lot had to do with my mother never sleeping alone during the 41 years that she and my father lived in their house. Without her husband, she no longer felt secure in her own home.
After my wife left for six weeks to take care of her mother, I got a glimpse of what my mother must have been feeling. With Rachel gone, I too felt uneasy staying in our home alone, and my parents were together a lot longer than Rachel and I have been. I can only begin to imagine what my mother was going through. Still, I think it was good that I spent some time in the house on my own, so that one day I might not worry so much if I’m the one who’s left behind.
Over the years, the one thing I’ve learned about worrying: It’s usually all for nothing. Most of the time, it’s a lot of wasted energy that could have been put to better use. I’d like to believe that, as I’ve grown older, I’ve done a better job of living a worry-free life. At age 72, you’d think I would have experienced enough stuff that it would take a lot to rattle me.
But once in a while, no matter how insignificant, something will stress me out. It’s unavoidable because I’m human, and that’s what humans inevitably do—we worry. I’ve been seeing a urologist for the past three years due to a medical condition. It turned out to be nothing serious, but he thought—because of my age—that it might be a good idea to monitor my health closely for a while.
I usually see him every six months. During my most recent visit, he wanted me to have another renal ultrasound exam. The last time, I had to drink 40 ounces of water an hour before. Drinking water is required, so you can have a full bladder that gives a clearer view of the kidneys and bladder. At my age, it was a struggle for me to hold that amount of water long enough to complete the exam.
I told my doctor I didn’t think I could do that again. He said, “Do the best you can. I want you to have it done at Hoag.”
A month went by, and I still hadn’t made an appointment for the exam. I kept thinking about all the things that could go wrong, having to drink that much water. It’s amazing how the prospect of downing five glasses of water, each containing eight ounces, can keep you from taking action. But it did. I knew I was being irrational when I realized I wasn’t concerned about what the exam might reveal. I was worried about the consequences of drinking 40 ounces of water.
I finally called Hoag to make the appointment. The representative took all my information and then told me how to prepare. She said, “You have to drink 16 ounces of water 30 minutes before the exam.” That’s right. It was only 16 ounces and only half an hour before the exam. Hoag had different requirements than the medical facility where I’d previously taken the exam. The exam was easy, and there were no hiccups.
If I’d only listened to my own advice, I would have saved myself a lot of grief. Usually, things we worry about never happen or, if they do, it’s not nearly as bad as we imagine. I can think of countless times when this has occurred, whether it was an issue with my health, job, family or money. Things usually work out in the end.
It seems like there’s an endless number of decisions to make in retirement: Should I take Social Security benefits early or late? Should I enroll in traditional Medicare or Medicare Advantage? Should I buy an immediate-fixed annuity or keep the lump sum? Should I stay in my home or plan on moving into a continuing care retirement community?
We might fret about making the right retirement choices. But there are no truly right or wrong answers to these questions. Everybody’s situation is different. There’s no crystal ball that’ll tell us the future. We can only make such decisions based on what we believe are our desires, needs and goals. If we find out later that we made an undesirable choice, more than likely it won’t have a significant impact if we’ve planned well in other areas of our retirement.
I told Rachel that we’re going to live out the rest of our retirement based on what we think is best for us, without worrying about things that might never happen. For instance, we’re going to stay in our home and not fret about being able to care for ourselves in our later years.
If things don’t go our way, we’re prepared to tackle them head on. We’ve done two of the most important things that we could do to prepare for our golden years: We saved diligently and lived a healthy lifestyle. Those are two good reasons we shouldn’t worry about our future.
Dennis Friedman retired from Boeing Satellite Systems after a 30-year career in manufacturing. Born in Ohio, Dennis is a California transplant with a bachelor’s degree in history and an MBA. A self-described “humble investor,” he likes reading historical novels and about personal finance. Check out his earlier articles and follow him on X (Twitter) @DMFrie.
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Good timing Dennis, what a coincidence. I’m the same age and I recently had to have a heart cath procedure to correct an arrhythmia problem. And I was very concerned beforehand because I had doctor friends even telling me about the risks and all that could go wrong, not to mention the pain involved because they have to go in through the groin area. Turned out everything was totally painless from the needle sticks to insert the IVs through to the days following the surgery. In fact, after waking up in recovery I immediately felt better. They sent me home with pain meds and but I didn’t need them and I feel so much better now.
It’s funny how at our age we can still find ways to stress ourselves out.
Rich, I’m glad your medical procedure was successful without experiencing a lot of pain. It is funny at our age, we still find ways to worry.
Dennis, Thanks for an excellent perspective to adopt as I enter retirement. My specific worries relate to travel, specifically about contingencies that likely will never occur. The extra energy spent is a mental drain and a waste of time. While some additional planning is always warranted, don’t let it overwhelm the positives.
Read Dale Carnegie’s book How to Stop Worrying and Start Living. The premise as I remember it is to think about the worst that could happen in the situation, accept it, and anything less is a better outcome. Now it helped me (some) when I read it in my 20s, but now that I’m in my 60s some of the worst outcomes are a lot more serious …if you know what I mean.
My mom was a worrier and I believe it shortened her life. Worrying came natural to her but it was exacerbated by the fragile financial condition of my parents. Money was a constant worry in their house. This is one reason why I was diligent about saving and am still reading useful personal finance stuff like Humble Dollar in my retirement.
I know this is easier said than done. I save any worrying and planning for the daytime.
At bedtime I refuse to ponder or plan anything of real life. I don’t plan the next day or upcoming weekend. I do not review past events. I stubbornly focus on the simplest of fantasies. Boring stuff that ultimately leads to my goal of sleeping.
I think of walking in the woods, sitting in a hammock, or relaxing under a shelter during a rainstorm. If a practical thought enters my mind, I refuse to follow it, I resume the walk in the woods.
”For instance, we’re going to stay in our home and not fret about being able to care for ourselves in our later years.”
I don’t quite understand this sentence. I get the first part—you don’t want to move to a retirement community/CCRC. But as for the second part, there’s a difference between “fret” and “plan.” Especially without kids of your own, how do you NOT think about this question? Or have you just decided to postpone this topic for a set period of time, say five years?
I never meant to say you should never worry or plan for your future. In fact, in the next paragraph I said, “If things don’t go our way, we’re prepared to tackle them head on.” I probably could have stated it more eloquently.
I believe we often worry about things that never happen or, if they do, it’s not nearly as bad as we imagine. The downside is that worrying too much can sometimes paralyze us and keep us from taking action. Just like it did with me worrying about drinking 40 ounces of water before that exam.
Dennis wrote about his care plans here:
https://humbledollar.com/2023/11/who-will-care/
The kind of worry where your mind goes round in circles at three in the morning is clearly bad for you and often unnecessary. However, worry is sometimes valuable. If I hadn’t worried about what my incompetent agent was doing with my Medigap application I’d be on Medicare Advantage again next year. Equally, not worrying about being able to care for yourselves as you get older could have unfortunate consequences. Remember the Serenity Prayer – worry about things you can change.
Boy can I relate Dennis. I welcome a day when there is nothing to worry about the next week or so. So far our worries have been minor, but still stressful.
We may have too much time on our hands, on the other hand the scope of worry has expanded to include our children’s spouses and our grandchildren.
Believe it or not, now a days I worry because my wife is short. If she is on her own she can’t reach dishes on the second cabinet shelf. It may sound silly, but it’s real for me.
From a 5′ 2″ woman: Please give your wife some credit. She will simply store the things she needs in places where she can get to them! Short in stature does not mean short in problem-solving skills!
It is a real worry. I am 5’3″ and ask my “tall man” who is 6’4″ to reach things.