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WHEN MY DAD HAD cancer, we’d take walks through the neighborhood. One day, on our stroll, we met a neighbor, Ted. My dad introduced me. “This is my son, Denny, he’s taking care of me.”
Ted gave me a smile and said, “I hope my son will take care of me if I need help.”
Not long after that conversation, my dad was in hospice care. My mother and I were standing over his bed. My dad looked up at me and asked, “Who’s going to take care of you when you need help?”
I was surprised by his question. I was single at the time, and don’t have children. All I could think to say was, “Don’t worry about me. I can take care of myself.”
Before I started looking after my parents, I’d never seriously thought about needing help in my later years. I’ve fended for myself most of my adult life. I had something of an independent streak and liked being on my own—until I met my wife.
One morning, when I was sitting with Rachel in our kitchen, I asked, “What would you do if something happened to me? Would you sell the house and move closer to Justin?”
“I’ll stay here until I can’t take care of myself anymore, ” Rachel said. “Then I’ll probably move closer to him.” Justin, my son-in-law, lives on the East Coast.
Rachel didn’t need to ask me what I’d do if I was on my own. She knows I’d do everything possible to stay in our house.
I recently wrote an article about the top four things that make me happy. If I had to add a fifth item, it would be our house. I like where we live. The neighborhood is safe, and has good walking and biking trails. We’re close to everything, including our doctors. There are plenty of trees, as well as a lake a few blocks from our home. It doesn’t feel or look like a typical Southern California neighborhood. For me, there’s also a lot of history here. In 1978, my parents moved into the house where Rachel and I now live. I was just 27 years old when I first visited them here some 45 years ago.
My wife and I will take care of each other for as long as we can. Still, there’s a good chance Rachel will outlive me. I’m six years older. She’s in good health and doesn’t take any medication. More important, she takes good care of herself. The odds are that Rachel will be there for me in my time of need—and I won’t be there for her. That’s why I worry about her later years more than mine.
We both agree we want to stay in our house for as long as we can. A continuing care retirement community isn’t something we’re interested in. Meanwhile, at age 72, I’d probably have a difficult time qualifying for long-term-care (LTC) insurance because of some existing medical issues. It would have been best to purchase a policy before I turned 65, which is when various medical conditions first emerged. I still might qualify for a hybrid life-LTC insurance policy because the medical qualifications aren’t as stringent. But from what I’ve read, hybrid policies tend to be more expensive than purchasing a standalone LTC policy.
I thought about buying an LTC policy just for my wife, but she’s against the idea if we can’t get one together. We’ve both come to the same conclusion—as we have many times before—that we should have enough to self-fund our LTC needs, which we measured using AARP’s long-term-care cost calculator. Of course, there’s no way of really knowing how much in-home care we’d need and for how long. In addition, health care costs could outpace inflation, making the potential tab more daunting over time.
Still, we feel confident about our plan to self-fund our care. We have a few things working in our favor:
There’s one thing I’m certain about: I don’t want anyone, including my son-in-law, taking care of me. I love Justin and we get along great, but I know how much work is involved in taking care of someone and how it can turn your life upside down. I don’t want that for him or anyone else.
I was physically and mentally drained by the time my mother passed away. I put my life on hold to take care of my parents. I wanted to marry Rachel, but we waited. How do you marry someone when you spend most of your time looking after a parent? That’s not an ideal way to start a marriage. I was also afraid that, if I got married, my mother might think I’d stop taking care of her. That was the last thing I wanted her to think.
It was also a difficult situation for my mother. She thought my spending so much time with her was driving Rachel and me apart. Occasionally, she’d ask if everything was okay between us. Sometimes, the only way I could convince her our relationship was solid was to have Rachel talk to her. She wouldn’t take my word for it.
I was lucky that Rachel was patient and understanding because her life was also affected. But she knew what I was going through. Her brother was taking care of her mother, who was about a year younger than my mother. Although Rachel and her sister helped, her brother did the heavy-lifting because he lived much closer and was retired.
I have no regrets about taking care of my parents. I would do it all over again. I would like to think it made me a better person. I have great respect for anyone who’s willing to make the sacrifices necessary to care for a loved one. Not everyone is able or willing to do that.
Most of all, I’m pleased that Rachel and I were good savers and lived below our means in our early years—because that means we won’t have to burden Justin with our long-term care needs in our later years.
Dennis Friedman retired from Boeing Satellite Systems after a 30-year career in manufacturing. Born in Ohio, Dennis is a California transplant with a bachelor’s degree in history and an MBA. A self-described “humble investor,” he likes reading historical novels and about personal finance. Check out his earlier articles and follow him on Twitter @DMFrie.
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Brilliant article, and brilliant responses below. Thank you all for these contributions.
I looked into LTC insurance, both before and after my successful cancer fight, and it never remotely made sense to me even before articles like the one Laura linked made it clear that for many people it just doesn’t help all that much.
My wife is 14 years younger than I, and she’s made it clear that she’s my caregiver and LTC plan when the time comes. Her mom lives with us, and the caregiving process awaits in the next couple of years. I just hope that I’m as healthy as Mom is when I get to her age (83), and that when I do burden my wife, it won’t be for long.
The New York Times is running a big series in November 2023 called “Dying Broke: The Coverage Gap.”
Their list of stories so far includes Long-Term Care’s Costs; Caregivers’ Struggles; How Other Countries Pay for Care; Assisted Living’s Extra Fees; and A Guide to Assisted Living. The comments to these article, like the comments to similar stories here at HumbleDollar.com, are disturbing. While it’s good to see a growing number of publications sounding the alarm, it seems there is little sign of coming help here in the U.S.
Here is a gift link to one of the articles: “Why Long-Term Care Insurance Falls Short for So Many.” https://www.nytimes.com/2023/11/22/health/long-term-care-insurance.html
Those who desire to age in place, consider experiences I’ve had with my relatives. Good, dependable caregivers are difficult to find. We have had a lot of turnover (16 for Mon-Sat 8-5 position), with no shows and those that did not really want to work. We have used several agencies and considered direct hires. Prices through an agency, here in the Detroit suburbs, $32/35 per hour. If you don’t think you will need an in home caregiver, think about how changes in mobility and vision will affect your ability to get to doctors appointments, grocery story, and social events. It also takes focus and effort to manage the caregivers. We have managed caregivers for some relatives as they did not wish to deal with the issues of having an “employee.” I do not have any knowledge of CCRC’s, but I do know that assisted living and memory care facilities have the same issues with staffing that we have. I would suspect CCRC facilities are hiring from the same pool of potential employees. My advice, having money and nearby healthy relatives, gives you some degrees of freedom, but getting old can be a slog.
What you say is unfortunately true. The best thing anyone can do is have money and hope for the best. No alternative is foolproof.
Our parents have been in a continuing care center for the past 7 years. Independent living, assisted living and now nursing home, ages 97 & 98. This is not a CCRC but offers similar services on a fee for service basis. They had long term care insurance (now used up) and social security and, fortunately, a large nest egg. No estate planning and no trust. At this time we have spent $1.8 million to the organization for their care. Spending a lot of money does not solve staffing nor supply shortages. Nor does it eliminate many visits and phone calls to take care of issues one would think the institution could handle. We never expected how onerous the time commitment and costs would be. It is too late to move them or, due to State regulations, make any meaningful estate changes. Obviously, we will handle our estate planning differently. CCRC’s are not a bad idea to consider or possibly moving to a State with more reasonable long term care costs. I share this to highlight how extreme the long term care problem can become without proper planning.
Dennis, at 80 and 84 my wife and I share your views. We moved to a 55+ condo five years ago because of stairs, but stayed in our community of over 50 years.
We hope to avoid CCRC at all cost. We have LTC insurance but it’s a modest benefit. I recently checked out home health care and top quality care full time in our area is supposedly about $80,000 a year. Between our SS benefit, interest and dividends and some savings we could handle that for several years which should do it.
Getting LTC now may not even be possible, most insurers want out of the business. Our rates have doubled in the last three years and we bought it when I was 45.
I can see the benefits of CCRC, especially for people alone, but the idea just turns me off as much as the Villages in Florida. I’ve visited two CCRC facilities and it just feels isolated, compartmentalized and I have to say, a bit depressing.
Who knows what the future holds, but for now let’s keep up the good fight for independence.
I very much agree— and apparently do a lot of other seniors. Many of my neighbors have chosen to age in place. There is excellent care available for about the price you mention. Our house is 2 1/2 stories but we have a bath with walk in shower on the first floor.
The entry price for a CCRC here is almost $1,000,000 for a two bedroom apartment with a monthly fee of more than $11,000 for two people. My husband and I would rather spend that money living in our home.
Our home was three stories and no facilities on the first floor. House was built in 1929 so that was a luxury back then.
My parents bought a house and ended up living there 49 years. Mom would not move out. The lesson I learned is, try to buy a house you might live in for your lifetime or until you have to move out. We did that and now have the house that our peer group would love to have instead of those multistory houses. We are lucky to be able to “age in place.”
Ours was built in 1917. G ft or years we had a minuscule half bath on the first floor, but a few years ago added the present full bath. It was necessary if we didn’t want to move. Still haven’t used the downstairs showe!!
Yes, you can pay that much, especially if you live in a HCOL area, or want a 90 or 100% refundable entrance fee.
I don’t have the numbers for 2024 handy, but this year the non-refundable entrance fee for a two bedroom apartment in the older building at my CCRC ranges from $232,000 to $247,000. In the just-opened new building a two-bedroom or two-bedroom with den ranges from $442,000 to $606,000. (My entry fee was frozen when I signed up for then-future new building in 2020.) Monthly fees for a two bedroom range from around $4,000 to $5,000, with a second person at $1,268.
I live in Madison WI— higher cost than a lot of places but not excessive. The $1m price is for 90% back— but no interest or inflation backup while the money is held. With nothing back the entry is still over $500,000. The building is not new but looks nice. The monthly fees without the return are the same— and there are increases for assisted living or nursing care regardless of which entry fee is chosen.
It is a non profit.
Thank you for this article. I am in a doppelganger situation. No kids, have taken care of parents and we’re now taking care of my mother-in-law. Your comment, “How do you marry someone when you spend most of your time looking after a parent?” was interesting to me. The fact that you’re taking care of a parent speaks to your quality as a human being. Isn’t that what so many look for in a potential spouse? Thanks again for a great article.
I would say that patience on the part of the upcoming spouse is also a great reflection of “quality as a human being.”
Dennis, thanks for a thoughtful and well-written article. This is something many of us have faced, and think about a lot. When we don’t plan, the burden falls to others. It’s a tough topic, s ai get why many of us choose to ignore it.
Dennis, Your parents raised a responsible and caring son. Like Linda commented earlier, I too have a sibling who put her life on hold to take care of our aging parent. We are very supportive of her efforts, and realize the commitment she made to help. But we are honest that it is her sacrifice, not ours. Not sure if I would be up to the task, or have the courage, to do that with the grace that she does.
Just watching what my sister does for my Mom, we are definately sure we do not want our kids to sacrifice their lives taking care of us in our final years.
You have addressed the financial issue, but good in-home care doesn’t magically appear when you need it. There is a shortage of workers, which is only going to get worse as the demand increases. Have you looked into providers in your area? Their wait lists and costs? Their reputations? One reason I moved to a CCRC was so I would not have to deal with finding care when I was least able to do so.
You also say nothing about the suitability of your house for aging in place. Stairs are a big issue, as are doorways. Then there is the question of transport when you are no longer able to drive. Not to mention maintenance…
Both of my parents lived in our house until their final days. I believe we can, too. The house does have stairs, but I had a stair chair installed for my parents when they could no longer walk up the stairs. That worked well for them. We could install another one if needed. There is a walk-in shower and the doorways are wide enough for a walker to go through. We have a homeowners association that takes care of all the outside maintenance of the house, including painting, gardening and maintaining the roof. We have a small backyard that requires very little maintenance
Our neighbor, who is 90 years old, lives alone and she uses a local home care service that I have discussed our situation with. They seem like a reputable company. There are plenty of caregiving services in our area. I don’t believe we will have a problem getting good help if needed.
Sounds like you’ve done your homework, and I hope it works out for you. I still worry about those who find, when it matters, that in-home care is too expensive or unreliable or inadequate. I especially worry about a surviving spouse, particularly one with no kids. I feel that aging in place as a single is a different proposition than doing it as a couple. I certainly didn’t find the idea attractive, and I’m an extreme introvert.
Dennis, you seem to have thought through it pretty thoroughly. Oftentimes I hear people fixed on one option or the other as best or a disaster when they really haven’t done so. Good for you. And thanks for another thoughtful article.
I have 2 friends in their 70’s. One ponders such issues. The other could care less. I tend to think the way you do, but I can’t help but admire both of their attitudes.
The big lie about retirement is that it’s time to relax that’s true for a lot of situations, but it can get difficult to manage some of the day-to-day. You may be taking medication, or taking care of a loved one who needs care, or even managing your own serious health issues.
The final phase is living alone at some point. One of the fastest growing households is a household of one. When you move to this phase are you prepared for it planning is about the money— longevity planning is about life.
it’s good that you and your wife have discussed the issues and I sincerely hope that it all works out to your advantage. I can relate to just about everything you have written, and send all best wishes for a happy outcome.
I always appreciate your articles, Dennis. At the moment, my sister is doing for our mom what you did for yours, while her partner of 20 years waits patiently, and helps her a lot. For all the reasons you listed, they’re waiting to get married. Since they are childless, I hope one of my kids will help them as needed when the time comes. They will also likely be in a position to self-fund for paid help. My kids are devoted to both of them and grateful for the care their grandmother receives.
My husband and I have had the same conversation, what would he do if I should die first and vice versa. His family lives in one Texas town and so it’s likely he will move back there. My family, however, live in two different locations separated by over 1000 miles. I like where I live and I have a lot of friends but it’s unlikely they will want to look after me in my old age. I’ve thought of a CCRC in Maryland but then again I would like to be close to family especially as the end approaches. It’s a dilemma. Of course we can’t predict the future but I think it’s healthy that my husband and I have had this difficult conversation.