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Our children know we are not your typical retirees when it comes to finances. I’m sure they figured that out from our funding eleven 529 plans, gifts and more often than not, picking up the check when families go out to eat, but that’s all they know.
They have no idea of our income, no knowledge of our investments-what kind, or how much. They, of course, know we own two homes, but not our net worth.
So, the question is, how much detail do we share, who do we share it with and how? There are four children. We have a good relationship with all four. One family is wealthy, one struggles and two do okay.
Do we have a family meeting with all four, give details to the executors who will handle our estate or pick one? Do we share every detail, every dollar and where it is? I should mention our son-in-law is a Wall Street, high net worth client manager.
Let’s have HD ideas.
I can only speak for my own unique experience, but I totally disagree with those who want to keep their children in the dark.
I was a singleton in a hard-working but very poor family in my first years. A formative experience was seeing an old truck repossessed, and the failure of a small family business.
My parents never hid any of this reality from me, even at age 4 or 5. Life was tough, we would be frugal, but we would make it. Gradually my parents did climb out of their hole, and then each received modest inheritances, mostly in the form of stocks and some bonds. They had learned from their parents frugality, patience, faith, and hope. From the beginning, I was invited to review with them their investments, and understand their rationale for what actions they took, good or bad in retrospect. Because they made few expensive mistakes, and quickly understood that fees and costs matter, they got rich slowly. Meanwhile, I was absorbing their lessons. They gave me a few thousand to invest, which I did invest after considerable study. I learned more from my mistakes than my successes, but it was a cheap education.
My parents gradually needed more and more care because of emphysema, COPD, and heart disease, and I arranged my life to be able to help, at the drop of a hat. I was the junior partner in the family firm, and I damn sure was going to do whatever was necessary.
Ultimately, of course, they both died, and they left me a modest inheritance but far more valuable a philosophy of money and investing–Jonathan before Jonathan–and I have thrived ever since.
Because they had shared and explained everything from the earliest days, I learned about thrift, the amazing and frightening power of compounding, and how to maintain a calmness of mind, whatever the market did in the short term. When my father died, I felt fully competent to deal with what he left me, and the results suggest I was right. I am forever grateful for the trust and confidence my parents put in me, from young childhood, and I believe I repaid that well over their lifetimes.
My message: be frank with you children. In my family it was literally unthinkable that my mother or father would be in the dark about family finances, and naturally I gradually became the junior partner, so to speak, in the family firm.
I urge you to share, RDQ, with all four of your children. I suspect it will remove a huge, perhaps subconscious, load from your shoulders.
My father began sharing his financial information with me, an only child, when I was in my 20s. Then, I hated it, as he reviewed his accounts and investment deliberations in great detail; I barely had the patience to listen. I also never counted on inheriting (the step family situation was fluid), and these talks did not alter my savings path.
Over time, I grew to respect my father for sharing. I learned much, too. As his eventual executor, my understanding of his finances made my work that much easier. I already had a checklist. And the best part was that my father asked what I would do were I to inherit. We spoke of philanthropy and it pleased him to know that his money would be put to good use. He passed two decades ago, but I feel him with me to this day as I realize my giving plans.
Being an only child, my parent’s estate was very simple. I had helped my dad realize he needed a will and directed him to a good attorney to prepare it. I have helped my relatives get their wills and assets in order. It made things so much easier. As far as disclosure of dollars in accounts, I am ambivalent. I knew my parent’s financials. I helped one relative set up his estate to pass to his son. His son chose not to know the details. He just did not emotionally want to deal with it. I was with the son after his dad’s passing. I walked him through the steps to take in the days after the funeral. Step one…call the estate attorney. It worked out OK not to know the details.
Do we have a family meeting with all four, give details to the executors who will handle our estate or pick one? YES! Do we share every detail, every dollar and where it is? YES!
Sir, you’re in your 80s. The time is now.