FREE NEWSLETTER
Go to main Forum page »
A number of events over the past few months have me thinking about aging, mortality, legacy, frailty, and – of course – financial planning. These events included attending funerals, preparing tax returns (ours and dozens of others), visiting old friends and distant family, minor traffic accidents, winter doldrums, and the recent discussions on HumbleDollar on the unique estate planning needs of childless retirees. Recent market volatility may have played a small role.
My wife and I have a lot of real-world experience caring for aging and infirm parents, both physically and financially. Those experiences have seared in my mind the importance of a well-planned, well-documented, and well-communicated estate plan. Jonathan’s articles over the past year have been a great example of this.
A recent experience has me thinking about a very tricky and personal question in retirement. I have a good friend, a former colleague and mentor, who is in his late 70s, single, and childless. He lives in his home of 30 plus years, with a first-floor master bedroom, and relatively easy entry. He has his estate in very good order, has a deposit on a CCRC near family, and has communicated this with his family. He hopes he will have the ability to make the choice to move when the time comes.
It’s one thing to have a good estate plan in place. But if we haven’t communicated that plan, or are unwilling to execute it, it’s of little use. I can’t count the number of stories I’ve heard of aging parents that are unwilling to explain their finances with their children, much less hand over control. Will we be willing to give up the literal keys to our independence – our cars? Has anyone thought about, or put criteria into place, to help make good decisions about your future? Have you communicated that to the important people in your life?
I took a pretty serious tumble about a year ago. The injuries were mostly bruises, scrapes, and cuts. I don’t think the fall caused any cognitive issues, at least not any more than the 2 pints of Guinness that preceded it. But it could have been much worse, and it reminds me that things can change in an instant. So, I ask my HD friends – how will you know when it’s time? More importantly, will you be willing to execute the plan?
We have/had POA for both health and finances for my mother and late father. Father we were probably pretty close to needing to exercise at least on finances before his death enabled me to sort things through his estate. Mum still fine though I manage most of her online stuff but it is really hard to move her away from excessive holding of underproductive cash. She hates dealing with financial stuff so the response is just the path of least resistance.
I doubt she’ll resist when we do need to exercise POA but it will legally block her ability to gift freely.
It sounds like you are well prepared. What I was trying to get at is how will we know when it is time to get help. It sounds like your Mom is fairly typical of her generation. We were lucky that both my mom and mother-in-law were willing to hand over the reins before it became an emergency. My wife’s Aunt was close, but we worked hard to get her finances straightened out.
We likely won’t know the precise time. What we do need to do is get the trusted people inside the tent in advance and order things as easily as we can for them. Which can be hard – people we love dearly and trust implicitly may simply have no interest in financial bootcamps or have too much stuff going on themselves to carve out the time.
And human nature says we wish to avoid becoming a burden as long as possible so we probably don’t give things up as early as we should. I’m hoping I live long enough to get one of my nieces involved in understanding finances for my own interests as well as theirs.
And some of it is doing the work on ourselves. Perhaps writing instructions to our future selves or a short video that can be played back to us to remind us that we consented and made this plan ourselves. To both hold our less mentally agile selves to account and to reassure. I’m thinking stuff like when I have my second unprovoked fall or when I can’t name 12 things beginning with a letter (I’m not picking X or Z).
This is indeed a timely article for us. Having recently joined the octogenarian club, my wife and I are converting a standard will to a Living Trust. As with the initial creation of our will, we are actively including our 2 adult children in the drafting process and discuss in detail what the provisions mean and how they are to be implemented. We are blessed with two responsible, common sense children and include them in nearly every aspect of our estate planning and financial decision making process.
One of the best things that our daughter made us do was adoption of an online password manager about 10 years ago to help us manage all the internet login names and passwords that we use. That system now includes common items like bank accounts, but also a host of other personal data critical to our affairs. I can’t emphasize enough how beneficial implementation of that system has been for my wife and I. But, perhaps even more important, that system will immeasurably facilitate the transfer of our estate to our kids.
Thanks. Could you share what password manager you use? That is something I want to look int0.
Retire as soon as you can. I could have at 65 but waited a year. As it turns out, waiting took one year off the time my wife & I had together. Just us, no work, no kids, no schedules, no worries. Life is too short to waste time wondering if it is the “right time.” Think Nike – just do it.
Thanks Mark.
Rick thanks for the post and everyone who commented. A lot to think about.
You are welcome Nick.
Thanks to everyone for lots of great comments. I feel like this is one of the least articulate things I’ve written, probably because it is such a difficult topic. I’m not sure I’m asking a coherent question. One of the things I was looking for is if anyone has figured out, or observed, a process or plan so that if something bad happens transfer of responsibility happens semi-automatically? Kind of like a fail-safe control in Ken’s power plant. For example, I’ve told our 2 sons that if they suspect I and/or my wife are showing cognitive decline, making bad choices, or need help, they have advance permission to confront us and express concern and work the issues. This is because I trust our sons completely, and they are both much smarter than me. I also have experienced enough elder care issues to know that if the time comes I may not make a rational choice. So while I’m still modestly rational I want them to know my thoughts. We’ve established a pretty solid estate plan and medical directives, but we will not be the ones executing them. I recognize that this can be dangerous for some families who don’t have close relationships.
Rick, I removed my previous response to your concern because I had doubts about its practical usefulness. Hopefully, this response comes out better.
To get a sense of certainty about the transfer of responsibility, one has to make that transfer knowable, verifiable before cognitive impairment.To be double certain that one does not change the transfer decision due mental disturbance, then make it hard to reverse, using an irrevocable living trust or actual transfer of titles and account ownership to joint tenancy. My father and father-in-law took that action.
Regarding cognitive decline, you can be proactive by checking in with your primary care doctor annually for the Montreal Cognition Assessment (MoCA), taking less than 8 minutes for normal conditions. Do not take this test in times of stress or during depression. At home, ask your sons or spouse to give you a smell test, using mild familiar cooking or personal care items. Home-made kits are good for a start. Buy the kit here only if you want a clinical trial score to submit to your doctor.
https://sensonics.com/product/brief-smell-identification-test-b-sit-version-cross-cultural-smell-identification-test-bsit/#:~:text=This%2012-item%20version%20of%20the%20Smell%20Identification%20Test,Valuable%20in%20population%20surveys%20and%20general%20workplace%20studies.
Early cognition impairment shows up in poor recall of familiar smells, well before the checkbook errors. A recent publication (2025) by Columbia Psychiatry Department shows the combination of home smell test and memory test predicts future cognitive impairment better than brain imaging.
Rick, spotting the signs of mild cognitive impairment or early dementia can be tough but loved ones can look for these red flags: uncertainty concerning your memory, problem, solving and decision-making abilities.
It’s very hard, in the early stages of cognitive decline to recognize that a problem exists, and to seek help if you notice any of the above but you are the one who should discuss it with your sons. It can be as simple as asking if they can check bank statements with you every month trying to make it a collaborative effort so you can check it together for anything that doesn’t seem right.
If you do see any of the above signs, make an appointment to see a neurologist. While you can do some self administered assessments online, they don’t take the place of an in person appointment. Make sure at least one family member comes along.
If appropriate set up power of attorney, The legal document allows another person to manage your financial affairs when you are no longer Capable. it’s important for your sons to have these conversations with you early, so they can make the right decisions while they can.
You are in a very good position Rick, you have complete trust in your sons and their capabilities and I can’t think of anyone more lucid than you in your present condition.
in your anxiety to cover any contingencies You are looking for a perfect solution—instead continue with your excellent plans. Right now, your. mind is in a vortex, but your life will unfold as it should with your loving family for support, and faith in A higher power.
I give you my best thoughts as a caregiver.
From personal experience I can say trust your family if they notice cognitive decline even if you don’t.
Good point, Randy. So much is dismissed as age related and mistakes are subtle in early stages of dementia.
This is a real problem. My elder sister, late 80s, has been resisting a move from her four bedroom house (all bedrooms and full baths upstairs). It seems her most recent hospitalization has finally changed her mind, but now she can’t remember the passwords for her computer and email…
I am trusting that friends and staff at my CCRC will notice any deterioration. If I don’t move money to the relevant checking account every so often my bill will not get paid. I am also using the on-site clinic staff for my primary care.
Rick, I am 74 and my wife is 70. All of our parents have proceeded us in death. I have one remaining sibling and my wife has 2. We have two adult children.
I lost my dad when I was 29 years old. He had a basic estate plan, including a will, and my step mom got his military retired pay and later on his social security. She had a relatively comfortable life. and died at age 82. I was her executor.
My mom died at 82 as well, the year after my step mom. Her husband, my step father, lived until age 94, and lived with us the 5 of the last 6 years of his life. I remember the day he came home from going to eat lunch out, and dropped his car keys on the dining room table and announced that he thought it was time to give up driving. It was his decisions, and we honored it of course, thankful for not being in a place where we had to talk him into it.
His last 13 months were in an assisted living facility, after he had a stroke, and couldn’t be cared for in our home any longer. I was his executor, as well, and we had all his affairs in order. It doesn’t hurt to have a CFP and Financial Advisor as a step son!
My wife and I have extensive estate planning docs, with wills, a trust, POAs, DNR, Living Wills (aka POLST) etc. In addition, my wife has a “Letter of Instruction,” containing all our financial information. My oldest child, a daughter, is our executor, and has a copy of everything, without exact balances, since those numbers will change over time…up and down. She also has a copy of our prepaid funeral arrangements.
As others have mentioned, your best intentions can be interfered with after you are gone, but most courts will give more weight to your wishes than those of your survivors, especially in matters where you have been crystal clear and have documents expressing your wishes. Are there some rogue judges who might disregard your wishes? Certainly, but thankfully they are a small minority and are few and far between.
I have done everything I can to make my passing as easy as possible on my wife and children, financially and estate planning wise.
We are still living in our home and are not in need of any assistance. That could change tomorrow! One challenge I have is my wife, who refuses to consider the future, when living independently may not be an option. Today we live in the country, on 6 acres, about 22 miles from the area Trauma One Center Hospital. We are both still driving and in decent health. I understand however, that the time may come, when living in a CCRC or even just a retirement community may be preferable. I would consider doing it now, but she has zero interest in even considering either.
I will continue doing all I can to plan appropriately, and I will continue to encourage her to realize that the day may come where it will no longer be her choice.
In the meanwhile, I am attempting to declutter and get rid of 5 decades of stuff I have accumulated…again, fighting a souse who has never thrown away anything. Ha!
I think the answer is that we may not realize it is time. I think having trusted family members monitor accounts and transactions can help avoid major issues and identify when it is time. They would need to be involved enough in our lives to see the changes. But will we accept the fact it is time?
Jerry, your last question is right on point. I’ve heard so many stories of people who refused to acknowledge their situation. Often things deteriorate too quickly for a person to make a rational choice. Thinking ahead about how we want to plan for that possibility is smart.
We tried for years to get my parents in an assisted living facility so my father could get some help with my mother’s care which was necessary due to a long battle with Alzheimer’s. I kept telling my Dad I didn’t need his money and he should use it to make their, but especially his life better in their later years. When we finally insisted he was having difficulty communicating and as a result neither parent really made any connections with other residents in the couple of years they lived there prior to requiring a nursing home. Caring for my mother, although valiant, resulted in my father’s health declining faster than my mother’s and he passed away about six moths before her. They passed away with a six figure estate, which resulted in an nice inheritance, but I would of rather they spent THEIR hard earned money on their own care.
My advice is to be sure to enter an assisted, or CCRC facility earlier rather than later. I have told my children that I hope I listen to their counsel better than my parents did ours. I’m pretty stubborn, so I’m not too sure I will.
David, we are in the same place with Spouse’s mom and feel the same way. She is so stubborn! I hope to get to your Lessons posts today, we have been away. I know they will be good and timely for us. Chris
We have learned about some of the end of life paperwork recently with Spouse’s brother’s ALS and plan to update our estate plans this year.
We are going through the elderly parent thing now also. Spouse’s mom’s dementia is getting worse but she is holding on for dear life to “prove” she is still capable. But we know the time is coming, and probably soon, where she will not be.
I have vision issues and the drivers license thing is always a concern when I renew. Spouse already does most of the driving. I know at some point I will not be able to drive and will need to figure out alternative scenarios, especially if I outlive Spouse. We live in the same town as our children.
You are writing about a lot of things that have been on our minds so much the past few weeks, Rick. Thanks. I am glad we are starting to talk about these things in the HD Forum, they are just as important as our finances. Chris
For those of us not as familiar with all the acronyms per Google AI:
DNR (Do Not Resuscitate), POLST (Physician Orders for Life-Sustaining Treatment), and MOST (Medical Orders for Scope of Treatment) are all medical orders that guide end-of-life care, but they differ in their scope and application. A DNR order focuses solely on CPR, while POLST and MOST are more comprehensive, encompassing a wider range of life-sustaining treatments.
DNR (Do Not Resuscitate):
POLST (Physician Orders for Life-Sustaining Treatment) / MOST (Medical Orders for Scope of Treatment):
Key Differences:
Thanks Rick, I apologize for the acronyms. However, I take issue with part of the definition. I am neither frail nor suffering from a serious illness, but I still have a DNR and, more recently, a MOST. The use of CPR on individuals over 65 has a very bad rate of survival, and of quality of life if you do survive. In any case, if I have managed a quick death I don’t want to come back to life and have to die a second time.
WRT to the MOST, I recently discovered that my living will/advance directive would not be consulted in the ER, and was intended only to instruct my Healthcare POA. I now also have a MOST.
reply to mytimetotravel
A DNR or a Polst is a step in the right direction, but keep in mind that your loved one can change their mind about either of those docs at any time.
I am POA for my aunt who is 97 and in assisted living….she is asked about her Polst annually and she changes her mind annually. I don’t think she understands exactly what that doc means and at 97 I don’t think she really cares to understand . No other family members are alive to clarify or dispute her wishes. She has no children and I have no siblings. Seems like it would be easy without potential interference, but it can be stressful if I dwell on it.
I doubt I would change my mind annually, but I certainly expect to change my MOST as I age. Antibiotics now, yes. Antibiotics at 85, depends on my state of health. Antibiotics at 95, almost certainly no. In any case, if you have the current document, that is what you need to follow.
A UTI at 95 will change your mind about antibiotics. My aunt cannot sense a UTI. What she does do is fall and get a dazed look on her face. Anttibiotics work.
I was thinking pneumonia, not UTI. Pneumonia used to be called the “old man’s friend”, before antibiotics. Of course, by the time I’m 95 (2042), we may have run out of functioning antibiotics, and in any case, I am likely to be ready to quit. Unlike many in the medical profession, I am much more interested in quality of life than quantity.
Please allow me to offer my perspective of the estate planning issue. Putting the estate plan in place, communicating with family members would make you feel you are in control, and might give you peace of mind living in present with less worry about the future without you in it.
My parents and parents-in-law did meticulous planning and telling their children about their wishes. Their plan caused endless disagreement and even resentment among the children while they were alive. Even before their passing, we argued endlessly whether to spend their asset for nursing home expenses or not, and what exactly what their wish for a natural death means – 911 call or not, with or without life support, tube feeding, resuscitation, etc.
My brother-in-law asked his parents about their estate plan, they said “we don’t care, it’s your problem”. They are entitled to a care-free attitude.
In the end, relationships count. Money matter could not be counted on to bring peace / happiness. Deep down, it is difficult to express one’s wish and fear when one thinks and plans for the end-of-life issues.
“Happy families are all alike;
every unhappy family is unhappy in its own ways.”
Leo Tolstoy’s Anna Karenina
Quan, I’m sorry to hear of your familial challenges. I know that planing doesn’t guarantee family peace. But I’ve how a lack of planning can cause chaos to those left to pick up the pieces. In the end all we can do is do the best we can.
Thank you Rick. I am all for estate planning and POLST. I attempted to show compassion to those who will not plan or express their wishes for the life important issues, and to those who are unable to accept those wishes, or lack thereof. Reasonable and intellectual exercises in planning cannot address the deep matter of the heart. Humans act first on feeling and use reason later to justify the action or behavior.
Wouldn’t a Do Not Resuscitate order and a MOST/POLST have resolved the end of life issues?
Human emotional reaction in time of crisis makes DNR / POLST (Physician Orders for Life-Sustaining Treatment) order unenforceable. EMS or hospital doctors would not use a piece of paper to ignore the family’s insistence on “doing everything possible”. All it takes is one person raising the request for intervention, then action will be taken to sustain life at all costs, even in futile situations. Most hospital teams have regular internal sessions to heal themselves from the moral injuries sustained by these family conflicts.
Thanks for sharing that. While not what I wanted to hear, I do prefer knowing the reality rather than some myth. Is there any way to increase one’s chance of having the care team follow the written directives rather than the emotional response of whatever family member happens to be present at the time of crisis? Or is this just one of those instances in life where it’ll simply just depend on the circumstances at the time?
“All it takes is one person raising the request for intervention, then action will be taken to sustain life at all costs, even in futile situations.”
I’m surprised, and not certain how correct this is. But if it is so, it shouldn’t be.
The more I think about this post, the more upset and angry I get. If I have gone to the trouble of putting my expectations (they are more than wishes) in a legally recognized form, what right does a doctor have to disregard them? If it’s a case of he said/he didn’t say or she meant/she didn’t mean I see the problem, but if my MOST says not to intubate, then intubating me is an assault. Instead of holding pity parties these medical professionals should have the guts to follow their patients’ directives.
Just what constitutes family in this situation? Does an ex-spouse count? A sibling, a niece, a cousin? Their spouses? A step-child? What if the patient is in hospice or on palliative care?
Exactly right! And patients change their minds too. I know two people who were adamant about their DNRs, but opted for “do everything” when confronted with imminent death.
A DNR only covers whether or not to start CPR, not what treatment to initiate if the patient is still breathing.
If that happened to me and I survived I would want to sue! My doctors are very clear on my wishes, and my immediate family members are 3,000 miles away and in any case agree with my choices. My Healthcare POA was chosen for her ability to say “no” and keep saying it.
One item on my “things to do” list I keep not doing is preparing the list of financial assets and how to access them, even though almost all are at Vanguard. There are two things I especially need to tackle: figuring out how my UK heirs would access inherited IRAs, and finding a local professional to replace my Oregon-based executor and Financial POA. Any suggestions welcome!
Kathy, my friend and benefactor bequeathed money to relatives in Scotland and to the church her parents were Married in over there. Her estate lawyer and Accountant did all the leg work to assure her requests were properly disbursed. All transactions were accounted for and coordinated with her executrix so you should be okay there.
in listing your financial assets, a good lawyer will also be able to glean a lot of information from your tax return.
Now enjoy many years in your CCRC.
Thanks for the good wishes, Marjorie. Maybe I will live long enough there won’t be much left in my IRA… However, I don’t have an estate lawyer or an accountant on retainer, and I’m concerned about the need for a UK person to file a US tax return.
Hi Rick, very timely. I’ve struggled with this issue too, especially on communicating finances with young adult children. For several years after my husband died, as I prepared my solo estate documents, they didn’t want to ‘hear’ anything about my planning. It was too hard for them to contemplate another parent’s death. As they’ve gotten older, it is bit easier, but I find that each one has different interests in learning about finances. My letter of instructions gets longer with explanations (plus a callout that they review Humble Dollar articles!).
I am also encouraging siblings to share information. Five of my six brothers are single, in their 60s, and scattered across the country. Nudging them to acknowledge the basics of estate plans and at least inform one other sibling of location of documents is taking a while (we get along too!). Keeping in touch over the decades will be important to help future discussions about independence.
Thanks Eileen. You are clearly a great Mom and sibling. Good for you.
Rick, why should I worry? I turn 73 later this year and am strong and healthy. But then again, so was my ex-wife on the day a deadly stroke took her life. Like you said, things can change in an instant.
The one thing we have not done is investigate or make a deposit at a CCRC. I’m going to put this on my to-do list. At a minimum I need to learn what is available in my area, the cost, and the wait time.
I would certainly recommend not waiting, depending on the situation where you live. In my area wait lists tend to be long and mid-sixties would not be too early to sign up. I heard recently that there are 1,100 households on the wait list at my CCRC, although of course some will drop off.
Kathy, I nearly mentioned how helpful/informative your prior post on CCRCs is. Just last week I gave the link for your post to my brother and his wife; I hope they took the time to read it, and more importantly act on it.
Thank you, Dan! I know CCRCs aren’t cheap, and aren’t for everyone, but I’m very glad I moved.
Agree. In the last few months I have visited several CCRC’s and Assisted Living facilities in multiple states. Not sure if or when we would need it, but having a set of options is always good. Quality and service vary widely. If you find the right one, count yourself lucky.
Ditto
I know how you feel Dan. I imagine so many of us have experienced, or are very aware of, someone who suddenly got sick or passed. I am starting to think about CCRCs. There is a pretty fancy one nearby, in Red Bank, NJ on the Navesink river. It has a pontoon boat for sunset cruises and taking residents to waterside restaurants. I’m pretty sure that is an essential part of elder care.
Rick, your article Is timely. A close friend is dealing with this time-honored question.. She decided to consult her estate planning attorney for guidance on how to start a productive family conversation about her estate plans. Professionals can assist you in explaining how you plan to distribute your assets and how to discuss your legal documents.
Choose a time for a family meeting sooner than later, giving yourself time to make adjustments as your life and circumstances, evolve and change. Good luck.
Thanks Marjorie. Plan, adjust, evolve, and change is such great advice.