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If the neighbors told you they were saving for retirement, would you go ahead and recommend specific investments, without asking any further questions?
That’s been my life since the world learned about my cancer diagnosis. Strangers, who know nothing about the details of my relatively rare variation of lung cancer, have sent me messages telling me the doctors I should see, the cancer centers I should visit, the books I should read, the diets I should follow, the clinical trials I should join and the medications I should take.
And, if it’s any comfort, this isn’t just a U.S. phenomenon. My article in The Telegraph of London this week unleashed another wave of cancer advice. It seems the Brits are just as bad as us Americans—and, yes, I do think of myself as American. I’ve now spent almost three-quarters of my life on this side of the pond.
Some of these purported cancer experts are, of course, “talking their book” and stand to profit from whatever they’re pushing. But what about everybody else? It would be easy to let them off the hook by saying their intentions are good.
But I’ve become less forgiving. If I bothered with any of this unsolicited advice, I’d be wasting the precious time I have left and potentially shortening my life expectancy by following irrelevant medical advice.
Yes, if we’re knowledgeable about finance or about medicine, we might want to help friends and family members. But before we start dishing out advice, perhaps we should ask a few questions. It’s the age-old problem: It seems we humans are superb at talking—but not so good at listening.
Jonathon, if you would , could you please tell the reasons why you decided to live here , instead of England.
I have never been to any foreign nations, actually Canada for a few days and one day in Tijuana, and I am curious as why you decided to leave your birth nation.
I have never heard anything very negative about The United Kingdom, and always here how much superior their health care is, how much safer, virtually no impoverished citizens, no ghettos or slums, etc. Thank You.
I moved to the U.S. twice — with my parents when I was age three (I don’t believe I was consulted on the decision) and of my own volition when I was age 23. The latter followed a year of working as a journalist in London post-college. My 1986 move was for a mix of family and career reasons. But I wasn’t sad to leave England behind. Yes, there’s much to like. But back then, the country suffered from terrible class snobbery, my salary was pitifully low and my living conditions in London were pretty terrible. I had a so-called bedsit in a house with five other men. We shared a single bathroom. Fortunately, the others didn’t seem to bathe terribly often….
Thank you.
As the famous TV judge often said, ‘We have two ears and one mouth for a reason.’ And while we’re at it, the focus should be to listen to understand, and not listen to respond.
From the linked Telegraph story list of “small, inexpensive pleasures”: “corresponding with my website’s writers and readers…”
Yea! We make your list of pleasures at this difficult time.
Thank you for this gift to us.
I’m a better person for reminders like yours, to follow my New Year’s resolution (renewed each New Year’s Eve) of “Offer no unsoliticited advice.”
Thanks as well for some ongoing work on HumbleDollar. I’m glad you include this in your list of what is, for you, remains important and fun.
As frustrating as it may be, I suspect they are trying to help in their own way. There is a price to pay for being open with personal issues – unfortunately.
Your final sentence really resonates with me. I’m not much for socializing. On those rare occasions when I do choose to engage in a discussion with someone, I’m often struck by how frequently it becomes a one-way conversation. I usually find myself trying to come up with a reason to excuse myself after a few minutes of listening to non-stop jabbering.
Jonathan, I hate to say “I told you so” but when you announced your diagnosis, I posted that you should expect this avalanche of unsolicited (and uniformed) advice. I was bombarded with it, and initially I came very close to telling a few people to f— off and leave me alone. But over time I was able to not let it annoy me — I would just nod, smile, say thank you and walk away without further comment. It helped a lot.
On the spectrum of horrors you are dealing with, this is a comparatively small thing. I hope you’re able to shut it out. Wishing you the best as always.
Not sure why my email address popped up instead of just my name. Working on trying to fix that.
Thanks for the warning. A friend recently shared an unusual diagnosis with me. I looked it up, and discovered an OTC treatment some people on a Mayo Clinic forum were touting. She wanted to discuss the treatment she was using, and I was wondering whether to mention the one I found, but thought perhaps not. Sounds like definitely not.
if it’s a one-to-one conversation with someone you know well, sometimes it’s ok to mention an alternative, recently an elderly neighbor was complaining to me about the cost of her heart medication, I could tell by the way she kept looking down, that she could barely afford it, she actually told me she asked her doctor what would happen if she didn’t take it, he said she would have a stroke. Later I realized that there maybe some help for seniors in this predicament and looked up a few options, I went to her & gave them to her, she was very pleased to have a few leads. It can go either way, sometimes people will ‘bite your head off’ for offering unsolicited advice especially if one states the obvious or they’ve spent days, weeks or months doing their own research or sometimes they will be very grateful to hear of alternatives.
A friend regularly offers unsolicited advice to her friends, including me, often staring the obvious, letting me & others know what she thinks we could & should do which can be really annoying, I usually don’t respond as it’s in the middle of a conversation & I don’t want to be rude. When another friend of hers found a job in her field, she said to me “I told her she could do that” which I thought was funny, as if her friend couldn’t figure out she could get a job in the area she had been working in her whole life. When one time I tried to warn her about something, she blew up in exasperation, so she’s ok with doling out advice to everyone but not so good at taking it.
As you indicate, Jonathan, it’s sometimes hard not to offer “helpful” advice when we consider ourselves experts in some area, but I learned in my Motivational Interviewing training that the first question to ask is if the person wants your advice. If the answer is “No,” the conversation moves to something else. The other day someone was trying to give me advice and, a little rudely, I said “Thanks, but I’ve got it covered,” and walked away.
I would be frustrated too, if I were in your shoes. Thank you for devoting so much of your time and energy to keeping this site going.
Jonathan, even if I had your exact diagnosis, I wouldn’t be able to know how you feel. I can however, think back to times in my life when i received unsolicited advice. The other day I began to describe some agreeable shoes I found for my flat and planter fasciitis ridden feet. Didn’t get 10 words out of my mouth before I was bombarded with advice about my feet. Yep, we suck at listening.
I feel for you Jonathan. My wife has gone through cancer twice and while the kindness and generosity of others (strangers and friends/family) far outweighed the other, the continuous unsolicited advice from personal experience was very ingrating and annoying. I have had the same thing happen with parenting challenges as well. In my more compassionate moments I try to remember that most of this comes from people’s desire to be of help and care. One of the best parts of my ministerial training was the year I was a hospital chaplain. I came from the corporate world where I was rewarded for finding solutions to problems. In the hospital people don’t want solutions, they want comfort, understanding and compassion. It took me a while but eventually I realized sitting with someone, listening or silently, was far more appreciated than my words of comfort or consul. A mantra for meditation and support to someone facing hard times is often, “Don’t just do something, sit there.” As always, sending love and peace.
The quiet comfort provided by hospital chaplain’s extends beyond the ill and their families, it is also invaluable to the our nurses and physicians. Thanks Don.
The Dunning- Kruger effect. Cognitive bias. Those with limited or no knowledge of a complex subject are often the most confident in their stated opinions. As a former physician I saw it nearly daily. The classic example is a person watching a college football game yelling out suggestions to Nick Saban.
Hi Jonathan, How well I understand. Many people don’t understand that cancer is a different experience for everyone, as is our body’s reaction to the cancer, the treatments and the trajectory of the disease.
Patience, Jonathan. Although the majority of people are ignorant in their messaging, most are compassionate and only want to help—not realizing they don’t know what they don’t know.
You’re asking Jonathan to have patience? The man has less than a year, patience it’s not to be expected, especially towards the knuckleheads offering unsolicited advice.
Mr. Wright…I was diagnosed with stage 4 lung cancer that metastasized to my liver and spent 3 years in chemotherapy and autoimmune drug. While my cancer is now stable, the drug, Keytruda caused me to have a rare form of Vasculitis Which I still receive treatments for. I’ve been through hell and I know what patience is..and it gives me peace.
I’m happy that you are in remission, thank God for modern medicine. I think, however, that the jist of Jonathan’s blog is that he is frustrated and annoyed with unsolicited advice, understandable that he would be short on patience.
Understandable, yes. Especially since Jonathan has reached a level of prominence the average person hasn’t. Therefore, he’s had to deal with an inordinate number of “advisors”.
We all know, however, that we have no control over what people will say or do—we can only control our reactions and distress is not good for cancer patients.
i wish only love and peace for Jonathan.
When our two-year-old daughter was diagnosed with stage 4 cancer, we did get some unsolicited advice. Top one was probably Essiac tea. More helpful: my pastor and others crying with us over our situation and people from our church mowing our lawn while we were consumed with traveling back and forth to the hospital for months.
Good morning Jonathan. A friend of ours frequently used one of his father’s favorite sayings – “The Good Lord gave you 2 ears and 1 mouth, so you should listen twice as much as you speak”. It’s great advice, in just about every aspect of our lives. Thanks for the gentle reminder.
Hear! Hear! (or should that be Listen! Listen!)
Jonathan, I am a cancer survivor and people are nosy. Went through similar to you. We have a family member in the later stages of ALS and it has been even worse for him and his family. Hang in there. I am still saying prayers for you. Chris