Letting Go

Most of us like to be in control. I certainly do. But what about controlling how our heirs use the money we bequeath?

That’s a question I’ve had to face. I’m hoping both of my 30-something children will use my bequest to bolster their long-term financial future, adding the money to their portfolio and perhaps using a portion to buy new homes.

Both have good financial habits, and the money they’ll receive could—if used sensibly—mean they’ll be far wealthier in their 60s than I am. But, of course, there are no guarantees. Perhaps their spouses will argue for using the money in other ways. Perhaps they’ll commit some major financial blunder. Perhaps the money will make them the target of some scam.

Meanwhile, because I’m remarried, I could have used a trust arrangement to leave money to my wife Elaine, and then have what remains pass to my two children upon her death. But I didn’t go that route. Instead, I’ve asked Elaine to leave at least part of what I give her to the kids. She’s promised she will, and I totally trust that she’ll do so. But I can also imagine scenarios where it won’t happen. What if she gets hit with, say, huge long-term-care expenses?

As the joke goes, it’s tough to make predictions, especially about the future. But that’s also why I’m not inclined to bequeath the money with any strings attached. Besides the cost of complicated trust arrangements, what if Elaine or my two kids get hit with a large and urgent financial need? I’d rather not tie their hands.

I’ve told Elaine and the kids what they can expect from my estate. I’ve made it clear I don’t want any quibbling over my will, my beneficiary designations, the division of my possessions and my funeral arrangements. As detailed in the recent posts from Dana Ferris and Marjorie Kondrack, as well as the comments those posts triggered, such fights can cause hefty emotional damage, and I’d be appalled if anything like that happened after my death. But I also believe the best course of action is to clearly express my wishes, and then trust that they’ll be respected.