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MY WIFE HAS PLANS for retirement. Travel plans. For too many years, she’s lived a mostly travel-free life. We’ve logged just a few short excursions to hither and yon.
Yes, there have been reasons for this dearth of travel that were largely beyond our control. But her biggest obstacle has been—and continues to be—me. I’m mostly a homebody, and I’ve been reluctant to change my ways.
My wife didn’t choose to love traveling. Rather, she was born into a family of travelers. When she was a child, her family spent summers and holidays camping all over California and other western states. Later, one of her brothers roamed Europe and elsewhere during 20 summer breaks from teaching school. I’ve written about another brother and a cousin who live abroad. In that article, there wasn’t enough space to list all my wife’s kin who live or have lived overseas. I suspect this familial wanderlust began when an ancestor decided to hitch up his wagon and head west.
By contrast, my family genetics incline us to move once and stay put. There are exceptions, but a majority of my family members hew to this trait. It was certainly true of my parents. My mother still lives in the house they bought in 1952, and she can list her traveling vacations on two hands—with fingers to spare. My genes tell me to be still.
Despite that, I’m not completely opposed to traveling. I’d like our retirement to have an ample amount. That’s where our differences start, however. My idea of ample falls short of what my wife considers barely adequate. While she’s dreaming of destinations and thinking of the itinerary details, I’m fine-tuning the latest iteration of my home project list. We’re both searching for happiness, but looking in different locales.
My wife, it seems, may be the one looking in the right place—or places. Research shows that frequent travelers are happier than non-travelers, though the effect may be short-lived. According to another study, just thinking about travel leads to more happiness. In addition, travel may make us healthier and more creative.
My wife doesn’t need to review the research. She already knows from experience that a change of scenery brings on a change of mood. As a college student, she traded her junior year at the University of California, Los Angeles, for a year at England’s University of Sussex. From that home base, she hopped all over Europe and even down to Morocco. After returning home, she jumped at the chance to travel when opportunity and her finances allowed. How did all this kinetic energy meet me, the immovable object? Travel, of course. She headed back east to Georgia for grad school and never returned to California.
I’m aware that many people share my wife’s passion for points unknown. Here on HumbleDollar, several contributors have written about their journeys, from learning while touring to just roving about. Indeed, Americans are currently traveling in record numbers. Am I the lone soul who is content just puttering about the homestead and avoiding the bother of schedules, questionable food and lugging heavy suitcases—there’s a reason they call it luggage—or do I have a kindred spirit out there?
I know there’s at least one other HumbleDollar writer who is happier staying home, and research indicates we have company. Data gathered from 13,000 people from across Europe show that our home can be an important contributor to wellbeing. In fact, 15% of our total happiness comes from our homes, according to the study. This is quite a bit more than the 6% from our earnings or the 3% derived from the job we do. A good part of the joy comes from a feeling of pride, but certain physical features of our home can also boost happiness.
For instance, a survey of 6,000 homeowners found that home design influenced the overall happiness of nine out of 10 of those surveyed. Moreover, fully 65% are happier at home than away, with a new or recently spruced-up home bringing the most happiness. The two attributes that have the largest impact on happiness: big windows and comfortable furniture.
What are my wife and I to do as we strive for a blissful retirement together? The research doesn’t offer clear guidance. Even so, I’m not worried. Yes, my wife and I favor different pursuits, but those take a backseat to our most important shared values, such as our commitment to our faith, family and friends. Science affirms that we’re on the right track.
We’ve been grounded for more than a few years, all but compelled to stay close to home by family and work responsibilities, plus the pandemic. It’s been no strain on me. I selfishly enjoyed not having to compete with vacation plans for time spent at home. For my wife, however, the tension has become palpable. It’s time to bend in her direction and cast off from the home port.
Accordingly, we’re planning a trip to California next year to take care of some family business and play at being tourists. A trip to the U.K. is slated for the following year. I’m not looking forward to the airports and so on, but I know it’ll be worth the hassle to see the smile on my wife’s face. And to tell the truth, since we’ll be in the neighborhood, there’s a little private garden over there that I’m hankering to see.
Ed Marsh is a physical therapist who lives and works in a small community near Atlanta. He likes to spend time with his church, with his family and in his garden thinking about retirement. His favorite question to ask a young person is, “Are you saving for retirement?” Check out Ed’s earlier articles.
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Ed – apologies for this belated comment. If gardening is your thing, the UK is definitely the place. We lived there three years and visited many amazing gardens. The gardens were a perfect refuge for our infant son, while my wife and daughter took the tour of the estate or castle.
I’m with you 100% There are many homebodies. I’ve notice that some people who love to travel tend to judge those who don’t. They peg us as narrow minded, less intelligent, less curious, less sophisticated. Many of those same people constantly brag about the places they’ve “done” and what still remains to check off their list. It’s amusing to me.
I’ve visited many destinations and would like to visit more. But am so utterly miserable on the journey there and back that it’s rarely worth the money and effort to me.
I dread flying: crowded airports, late/canceled flights, security delays, nasty passengers, cramped seating, spending hours sitting in a tube.
If I can drive or cruise, I’ll go.That leaves a lot out unfortunately.
One reason for taking longer trips. US east coast to the UK is around six to seven hours, so twelve to fourteen for a round trip. For a two week trip that’s an hour a day, but if you’re gone for eight weeks it’s only fifteen minutes. And again, business class is a whole different experience and can be “paid” for by collecting miles or points on a credit card. Some people take Cunard one way and fly back, which halves the pain.
I’m a homebody, but I also want to see other places. My solution is to pick a location to be my home base for a couple of weeks. If I want to see Northern Italy, I find a place to stay near public transit, unpack and spend a day strolling the neighborhood, then take day trips as I feel like it. My normal travel companion is more adventurous, so sometimes I’ll spend a day at home base while she ventures further afield. I often take that day to explore something nearby in more detail. The compromise has worked for us for years.
I think you’re right, the “home base” plan is a great middle way. We’ll do a mini version in CA next spring. We’ve rented an Airbnb near San Luis Obispo for a week. We’ll see the Mission, do some hikes and take care of a couple of family events. We’d like to try something similar for England, too. Thanks for your comment!
We like this approach as well, but have learned it’s not as easily done in England as it is in Northern Italy. We’ve found public trans in the latter is more expensive and not as good.
Not to say it can’t be done in England, but don’t assume without doing some research that you’ll easily flit about from your home base.
Advice noted, Michael, and Kathy’s comments, also.
Plenty of day trips available if you base in London, which can occupy weeks on its own. Oxford, Bath, Edinburgh, Conwy or Chester are all possibilities. Also, did you buy a Railcard? I qualify for the Senior Railcard, with two of you even if you aren’t seniors you qualify for a Two Together Railcard. You do need to do a fair amount of travel to justify the 30 GBP/year cost, but it saves you 30%. (It was a great deal when I took the Caledonian to Scotland.) If you’re using trains do you know about Seat61?
Yes, if you base in London it’s much easier to get to lots of different things. And of course someone who has never been to London probably would be more likely to base there. (We won’t see London in this ~3 month stop in England.) Still find it more expensive than Italian public trans though.
The rail card is a good deal if you’re going to use the train a lot. We decided it wasn’t worth it for the amount of train travel we had planned. Maybe next visit if we plan to do more, or plan to stay longer.
The man in seat 61 is a cool resource.
Many years ago a friend of mine said “I know you and your wife love to travel but I think it’s a waste of money”. I wish I’d thought quickly enough to respond “I’d give up half my 401k balance if half of travelers felt the same way you do.”
Reading all of the comments about the number of people refusing to fly anymore because of the hassles involved reminds me of the old Yogi Berra joke that I’ll paraphrase; ” nobody flies on airplanes anymore, they’re too crowded”!
For my first 20+ years, my family only made 3 or 4 trips. I joined the Air Force after my bachelor’s and traveled Space-A with my bride many places during a 20 year career. Taiwan, Hawaii, Spain, England, Italy most of S. America, and the Caribbean with my better half. Australia, Central America, and other countries were sans my wife. After USAF retirement, however, travel was forgone as company vacation days accumulated and we just never found the time needed until our first Maui trip convinced us to buy a timeshare that served to kind of force us to vacation once a year. A great decision because we’ve enjoyed 20+ Hawaii vacations since. Lahaina was one of our favorite places to stroll, dine, and enjoy entertainment. What a tragedy for the wonderful Hawaiian people who’ve lost so much.
Ed, I enjoyed this and it took some courage to write it since those who espouse the joys of travel seem to greatly outnumber, or maybe just “out express” the homebodies. Like you, I count myself in the latter group.
And similar to your situation, my wife loves to travel and wants to do more. But rather than it being due to a family tradition of traveling, as with your wife, it’s the opposite: my better half didn’t experience much travel when young and wants to make up for it now.
I, on the other hand, was lucky to travel a good deal during my freewheeling youth, and while I enjoy the memories, these days I’m happier avoiding the hassles and staying put. Frankly, after working long hours at my job for many years, being retired now and getting to simply enjoy our home is a great pleasure and luxury.
In the end, as you and other commenters have pointed out, the solution is usually some type of creative compromise. I expect we’ll find one that works for us.
Andrew, it was with some trepidation that I ventured my opinion on travel, but the group here is mostly a kind and encouraging lot, so I decided to take the risk. With my pulling and the HD travelers pushing, I suspect I’ll be headed for the door sooner rather than later. Thanks for your supportive comments!
The other thing to consider is a changing world if there are certain places you want to see. We spent three weeks in Russia and two weeks in the Ukraine and Crimea a few years back. Those days are gone and yet Vietnam is a hot tourist spot. Who would have guessed?
As others have posted, your wife is obviously more than able to handle the planning and to travel solo, but maybe you could join her part way through a trip. You might find you like it after all, at least in small doses. To your specific complaints:
Flying – I agree, a real pain these days, but largely unnecessary. I once spent seven months traveling from Scotland to Saigon (with detours) and all forward progress was by train. Europe and much of Asia have great train networks. Anyone contemplating foreign travel needs a credit card with points or miles – business class is a completely different experience. Also, Cunard still sails New York to Southampton and back and there are repositioning cruises further south. Cruise ships cross the Pacific as well, although I’d fly biz on Cathay Pacific or Qantas (on AA miles).
Luggage – the first (and second and third) rule of happy travel is pack light. I have traveled for months at a time with one 22 inch two wheeler and a day pack. My packing list is very old but I still use it, or try this.
Food – there is no shortage of great food out there. Get some good guidebooks or research online.
Travel while you can – the day may come when you have no choice but to stay home.
you are right in many ways…I truly wish I had more patience for the journey (or the funds and points to go biz class each time).
As a travel lover and intrepid adventurer, you clearly don’t have this problem – but I think those of us wired to be nervous worriers or who struggle with anxiety in everyday life also find travel extra daunting – so many “what if” scenarios that probably won’t happen, but still keep us up at night and influence us to maybe just skip it altogether. I always get very anxious before trips.
In that case you might be a good candidate for tours. I prefer to travel solo but I do take a tour occasionally, and a good tour will take care of you and a lot of those “what ifs”. For Europe I recommend Rick Steves, although you do need to be in good shape. It never hurts to have some Plan B’s lined up, either.
Good travel tips, Kathy. Thanks for taking the time to share.
I like to travel much more than my husband, so we instituted “yours, mine, and ours” travel budgets years ago. (“His” travel comes down to an occasional solo getaway to do some writing on deadline.) Sometimes it really seems like I’m dragging him away from his home habits and puttering, but so far he has always come back very glad he did the trip. I make a Shutterfly photo book after every trip to remind him about all the things he saw and what a great time he had—even if it was just visiting my family in Michigan (which is a beautiful state). I pull out those books when it’s time for the next “ours” planning.
Michigan definitely is a beautiful state! I miss it.
My wife used to make trips home to CA without me. We were both happy with the arrangement. As our daughter moves on to college and beyond, I expect she’ll do some solo traveling again. It’s good to hear how you and your husband have worked it out. Thanks.99
When I was younger and single it was much easier to travel for pleasure; many times it was monthly. Once I got married, owning a home changed a lot of that because I’m a DIY’er and there was always something that needed attention. I think I recall you have been remodeling a home and perhaps that is holding you back from traveling because your work is never done owning a home.
As I age, my patience is dwindling and no longer like to be cramped up on a full airliner. My body can’t tolerate more than a couple of hours on a flight; or even a flight overseas anymore. I’ve had my share of canceled flights, mechanical delays and emergencies, but haven’t experienced being stuck on the tarmac for hours in extreme heat as happened recently in Phoenix. Even driving on highways among speeders and reckless drivers is enough to keep me homebound.
Nowadays, my wife and I drive to our favorite island sometimes taking the back roads to enjoy the many towns along the way.
If you must travel, do so at non-peak travel times (holidays and summer), it will make a difference.
Off-peak is my favorite time. Thanks for reading.
I know a number of married couples with similar conflicting interests. Fortunately, in the modern notion of marriage, the idea that a couple has to do everything in lockstep doesn’t seem as true anymore. These couples have achieved harmony by the spouse who wants to travel doing so while the one who doesn’t stays home. The traveler usually finds a friend who wants to travel to go with. There are valid reasons for someone not wanting to travel. It could be the over-crowded coach class on airplanes. It could be the pain involved in dealing with the large numbers of other people trying to have that same travel experience at the same time that you do. One of my neighbors likes to go on cycling trips in Europe while her husband has physical problems which do not allow him to go along. Being married successfully for a long time requires compromise and consideration for the other person. Today, it is possible for both to do the things they want in retirement.
Thank you for the thoughtful comments. “Compromise and consideration “ are foremost in our minds—on our best days.
I have a friend who loves to travel – everywhere. We have been on two pilgrimages with her. Her husband absolutely refuses to travel. He said he had a trip to Viet Nam in 1969 and that is all the travel he ever wants.
So, she travels the world filling up passport pages – literally – and he stays home. Problem solved I guess. She sure is happy.
I used to enjoy travel, including airports and flying, but the latter have become sufficiently hellish that I’ve pretty much given up on it.
(“Papers please!”)
Retiring to a home with a fabulous setting makes it less of a sacrifice.
Travel without flying, it’s possible.
Airports are a hassle, but kind of interesting too (as long as you don’t get bogged down for hours and hours). When I go in, I think about this quote from the Peter Williams book Life 101. (The “properly dressed” comment is from years ago.)
When Swami Muktananda first visited the United States, he deplaned (as flight attendants are fond of saying) and walked directly into a large, modern terminal.
He stood for a while, looking around the enormous airport—so different from India, he might have been on another planet.
He saw a vast assortment of food, drinks, magazines and newspapers; padded, upholstered furniture was everywhere; the rest rooms cost nothing, and had hot and cold running water; everyone was properly dressed; the airport was clean, well-lit, and the whole place—the size of most villages in his homeland—was not only air-conditioned but carpeted.
Even so, he saw the passengers rushing by, hurrying to their planes, seemingly not appreciating any of it.
“They live in paradise,” he observed, “I wonder if they’ll ever know.”
what a great attitude! I know so many people who really don’t mind flying or can shrug off screaming babies, smelly seatmates, cramped spaces…quickly adjust to cancellations/delays. I envy those folks – if they only sold patience in a bottle, I’d buy myself a whole case. lol
I feel like both you and your wife. I love to travel and start getting a bit restless if we haven’t been anywhere in a while or if I’m not trip planning, a hobby I really enjoy. But I also LOVE coming home and being home. And I think the research is right—our condo just turned four years old, has big windows and lots of natural light and comfortable furniture.
I also came from a family that didn’t travel, mainly for financial reasons, but also because my dad didn’t like it much. There was a memorable trip back east to visit HIS family that he bailed on at the last minute, citing “work obligations,” leaving my mom to schlep three kids, including a squirrely 18-month-old toddler, from California to Connecticut and then Maryland, to see various in-laws. It’s amazing she didn’t kill him (but she did eventually leave him). In general, though, taking vacations was something other kids’ families did, not ours.
Between grad/professional school and having babies, my husband and I didn’t really take trips other than to visit family until we were about 40. We’ve made up for lost time since, though!
I’d say it’s important to know what works for you as a traveler. I’m learning. For example, we’ve taken several longer trips (three weeks or so), and I’ve found that I hit a wall at about two weeks, no matter how good a time I’m having. I start getting desperately homesick. I’ve also found that I don’t do well with humongously long flights, so I plan trips to break them up (for example, fly from California to New York and spend a few days there before proceeding to Europe). I also really suffer from jet lag and have to plan buffer time at both ends of a trip. Finally, just because people in Italy and Spain want to start eating dinner at 9 p.m. doesn’t mean that I have to!
Dana, those are good tips that may help me. I’m not too old to learn, and I’m trying to catch the bug my wife was born with. She’s actually a good traveling companion, very efficient and savvy.
Ed – I’m totally with you while our wives are aligned. Despite living overseas for 6 years and doing some travels throughout life, absolutely nothing beats grilling on the back deck with family or friends.
Modern travels to any major site, city or park are increasingly annoying and over-crowded due to higher global wealth, the pandemic rebound, and the desire to snap that social media picture. One thing the pandemic taught us is that car travels to remote US locations can be just as fun and rewarding as travel to popular venues and locations, but without the hassles. People and sightseeing are interesting no matter where you go…..or even if you stay near home.
Thanks for the comment, John. Yesterday, a patient told me of her five years spent living in NH. I thought of you and mentioned your recent article. We both thought a cooler day in a pretty spot sounded appealing.
This week we’re hiking with other seniors plus boating & grilling with our kids this weekend. NH offers outdoorsy activities, stunning scenery and super friendly folks with this week’s temps in the mid-70’s with low humidity. On the other hand, NH winters are tough unless you adapt to winter activities – we head south for part of the winter.
My wife and I both enjoy travel. Our differences are that I have a desire international to see the older cultures (have checked off Italy and Greece so far, having difficulty convincing her of Egypt and China) while my wife wants to explore the good ole USA. Some of the advantages of traveling when retired is we travel during the “shoulder seasons” of May and September (one international, one domestic) when the crowds are smaller, and you can fly on days when the fares are cheaper.
Travel allows you to see places on TV such as the Colosseum and Acropolis so you can put them in context to their surroundings.
Travel also allows you to meet different people and cultures. We visited Lahania Maui Hawaii at the end of Covid and the people were so friendly and we were able to feel their love of their culture, history, and land.
With the recent tragedy there you feel such a connection to the people and can feel their loss. If you have read or heard about the Banyan tree in the center of town you know how much it means to them and you hope for its survival like it were your own.
Please, if you can, donate to help soften some of the blow.
Mahalo!
Good comments, David. This past weekend, my wife struck up a conversation with a recent resident of Lahaina that was mourning their losses. So sad.
Ed, thanks for the great article. I agree with Sonja, we love traveling but coming back to the comforts of your home is also great. I know a few couples that sound like you and your wife. The husbands are homebodies and the wives like to travel. So they do limited travel together, and the wives supplement with trips with like-minded friends. A friend of my wife recently did a cooking class in northern Italy with a group of women. I also know guys who do golf trips, bourbon tours, fishing trips, and baseball spring training trips. This seems to strike a balance for these couples and works for them. They ay absence makes the heart grow fonder.
Thanks, Rick. My wife has informed me that there will be traveling in our family’s future. The implication has grabbed my attention! Actually, to your comments, I can see my wife taking trips without me. She did that early in our relationship, before our lives got so busy.
I love Charles Dicken’s quote, “Every traveler has a home of his own and learns to appreciate the more from his wandering.” Much as I love to travel, I come home feeling grateful for where I live. That’s an added plus to travel.
Thanks for commenting, Sonja. I know that grateful feeling. The anticipation of homecoming is a good way to end a trip.
Sonja, I agree with your sentiments. I love to travel, but always love getting home. One of my favorite travel quotes from St. Augustine:
“The world is a book and those who do not travel read only one page.”
Oh Ed, time to spread your wings, give travel a chance, a learning history experience perhaps.
I can honestly say that many, maybe most of the best times my wife and I spent together were when traveling. Even after being quarantined in a ships cabin for weeks we got along. 😂
Actually, my family was like yours. They never went anywhere, my mother had no desire to leave the house. I felt sorry for my father. Maybe that’s why I’m the opposite.
I agree about airport hassle, but after that it’s not bad. I’m looking into a transatlantic round trip crossing next year from NY just to avoid flying.
Think of the different food you can eat, walking in the paths of history, meeting new people – not tipping‼️ Fill up those passport pages, Ed
Do you have a recommendation for a ship?
Queen Mary II
A few years ago, I gifted my husband The New York Times Crossword Puzzle trip — it went from NYC to Southampton aboard the Queen Mary ll. He’s a crossword fanatic so had lots of fun with the other members of the group who learned to make a NYT crossword and enjoyed meeting the paper’s staff members who work on the puzzles. I don’t do the puzzles so was left pretty much to my own devices during the crossing. I’d say it was a BORE. I don’t gamble or drink in the middle of the afternoon. I found doing laundry and talking to other passengers doing wash was a way to make the time pass. I love the ocean, but really how long did I want to just look at water??? I walked around the ship — passed places where I could have worked on a jigsaw in progress, etc. I found the big “dance” night pretty artificial. People sort of “dressed” for dinner — but there were too many cheap rented tuxedos to think it was a grand ocean event! And that was before we hit rough seas. One woman I had gotten to know was knocked unconscious just walking to her cabin — those railings on the passageway are there for a reason! I got terribly seasick! I had to leave the cocktail party the Times threw for the group to hunt down seasick meds.
I’d say the biggest advantage of an ocean crossing is that the time change is gradual. The boat adjusts to time zones gradually. So no jet lag. Also, we cleared customs on the ship — so when we got off, we just got our bags and left.
I’m not a fan of airports or planes either. But I do want to go places and see things. Given the choice of ocean ship or plane, I’d go with the plane every time!
Dick, not all of us can reconnoiter the world—some have to garrison the home fort and raise the victuals. Still, our arguments may be winning me over, but there’s so much to do around here! Thanks for reading.
Don’t wait too long. As a physical therapist I’m sure you know what can happen with mobility as we age.
Edmund, nice article. I echo Dick’s encouragement.
Dick, I hope you don’t wait until you take that voyage to write about your research. I’m interested in this as well.