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In many personal finance circles, the conversation around aging inevitably turns to the “child as a safety net” strategy. We often assume the natural progression of life involves moving closer to our offspring, or perhaps moving them into our homes, so they can help navigate us through our final chapters.
But as I look around my age-restricted community, I see a much more diverse—and arguably more resilient—set of arrangements. While some neighbors do live with their adult children, many others have found the traditional family model isn’t the only way to preserve independence.
One of the more interesting trends I’ve observed is “senior roommates.” I know of two older adult friends who decided living alone was becoming a burden, but moving into assisted living wasn’t on their menu. Instead, they moved in together. It’s a pragmatic solution that keeps both individuals out of a facility while lightening the financial and emotional load that might otherwise fall on distant relatives.
Then there is the informal network of neighbors and friends. In a community like this, “watching out for each other” is practically a competitive sport. It isn’t uncommon for a neighbor to handle grocery runs for someone recovering from surgery, or for a group of friends to coordinate rides to doctor appointments.
This hyper-local support system is bolstered by a huge network of resources designed specifically to keep residents independent:
The Posse: Local volunteers who provide welfare checks and safety assistance.
Home Care Resources: Numerous non-medical services help with the daily friction of life—meal prep, medication reminders, and personal care—allowing residents to stay in their own homes longer.
Specialized Transit: Services like “Dial-a-Ride” ensure no one is stranded just because they decided to hang up the car keys.
From a financial perspective, relying on children can be a risk. What if they lose their job? What if their own health fails? Or, as is often the case, what if they simply live 2,000 miles away?
By tapping into community resources and alternative living arrangements, many residents here aren’t just “staying independent.” They are diversifying their care plan. They are ensuring their well-being doesn’t depend on a single point of failure.
Independence in our later years doesn’t have to mean doing everything ourselves. It means having the foresight to build a support structure that may not require a DNA match to function.
Like most other problems in life, I don’t think that there is a one-size fits all solution for elder care. And while I think that having family to help (especially with monitoring delivered vs. promised care in facilities) can be a good thing, fundamentally only having sufficient economic resources to fund needed care can help assure that one can receive the type and amount of care required.
Most over-55 communities where seniors own homes can develop networks in the community which help with the needs of their residents. However, these communities only serve a portion of the elder population. While around 80% of seniors own their home most are not in over -55 communities.
We have owned a 2nd home in an over-55 community for 14 years. This community has the same sort of support network that you have described. Despite this, most of my neighbors who reach their older days, sell their homes and move to be nearer their families. Anecdotally, these folks will not be needing financial help from their relatives; they were all comfortable. Over 14 years 70% of the 2500 homes have sold at least once.
Regardless of whether you have family available or not, planning ahead is crucial. Once you have fallen and broken a hip, it is too late to look for who will be helping you.
That’s an interesting turn-over statistic about homes in your 55+ community. I’d be curious to find out what that rate is in ours.
In general, I feel like most people who move here stay for an extended period of time. There are still homes coming on the market that were built in the early 1990’s and are listed as being ‘original owner’ homes.
And yes, the most critical step is to plan ahead–too may people seem to wait too long before thinking about how they will deal with their long-or-short-term care needs until it becomes an emergency situation.
Good post Kristine. Thank you.
My wife passed away in June 2024. She was adamant about staying in our house, but I am open to other options. I have considered Over 55 but dismissed that because I am 81 years old. I am still very independent but probably best fit a CCRC. I have looked in Charlotte area and also in Charleston area where my daughter lives.
Charlotte CCRCs require a big entry fee ($500k plus for 2BR apartment) whereas I have found several in Charleston that are as good or better with only a $5k or less entry fee. They have a higher monthly fee but I would have to stay a lot longer than I will likely live for that to make a difference. So I am still pondering my options.
My daughter would very much like me to move to Charleston but she has a special needs 24 year old daughter and I really do not want to be a burden to her. The places I like best in Charleston also have AL and MC. I am leaning that way but I have lived in Charlotte area for over 60 years and in the same house for 53 years. Tough choice to relocate.
It is great to hear that people at your CCRC work together, but I am not surprised.
My husband’s grandfather was widowed in his 90s after a long marriage. He reluctantly relocated from the Central California town where they’d lived for decades to a 55+ community in Orange County, about ten minutes from where his only surviving child (my mother-in-law) and her husband lived.
Though this was a hard decision for him, it turned out to be the right one. He lived to be 102 and died in his sleep in his own bed. He made friends in his new community and played nine holes of golf three times a week past his 100th birthday. His daughter and son-in-law saw him regularly and were right on the spot to help out if he needed something. The last couple of years, they had a part-time caregiver come by to do housework, make him lunch, check on his meds. Other than being a bit unsteady on his feet and hard of hearing, he remained in good health and was mentally sharp to the end.
Sounds similar to my mother in law’s journey (except for the golf). She moved in with us at 102 years old from independent living (with weekly help from my wife) after her second husband was placed in a nursing home. Lived another year with a walker and was mentally sharp up until the day before her passing.
PS her second husband turned 100 last month. Must be growing up in Maine.
I am sorry for your loss. It looks like a hard choice. However, a couple of points. $5,000 is a very low entry fee, more typical of Type D than Type A or B communities, are the CCRCs the same type? You may be comparing apples and oranges. Second, North Carolina is generally considered to have unusually good CCRC regulations. Even so, one Charlotte area facility had to be rescued by the Department of Insurance recently – but it was rescued, and the governing statute was strengthened last year. There are several articles on CCRCs on this site.
Jerry, I too am very sorry about your wife’s passing. I’m sure it has been a difficult few years adjusting to your loss. Like many on HumbleDollar., my wife and I have a fair amount of experience caring for aging and infirm parents. With regard to your daughter’s wish to have you move closer, you might consider the burden she will bear if you remain in Charlotte. I observed the stress my bother-in-laws experienced when their mother was ill and they were 7 hours away. The care burden was left, primarily to my wife and her sister. But living 10 minutes away made it much easier and when the inevitable emergencies happened, we could respond. Had we been hours away it would have been very stressful. And maybe you can help with your granddaughter. Best of luck with your decision.
Excellent reply Rick.
I agree that Jerry’s daughter would probably appreciate being in closer proximity to her dad.
Jerry: I’m sorry to hear about the passing of your wife.
It sounds like you have several good options to think about when it comes to relocation options.
As someone who has had at least 25 different addresses over my lifetime, I’m in awe of someone who has stayed in one location for six decades!
Our community is a 55+ age restricted city. While the majority of housing is single-family, there are also duplexes, apartments, townhomes, assisted living facilities and one CCRC.
There are about 26,000 total residents living here. The majority of them live independently and there are vast resources available to everyone to help maintain that independence.
I believe some of the appeal of our community is the low cost of living. As you mentioned, the entry fee into some CCRC’s is quite high. Where we live, it’s still possible for someone to purchase an apartment or townhome for about $180K. And because it’s an age restricted community, the property taxes are quite low. On a $180K apartment, the property taxes are about $250 a year.
Jerry:
I don’t know you or your daughter. But if your daughter says she would “very much like me to move to Charleston” I would take her at her word.
I did not have a special needs child to add to the challenge like your daughter.
But I can say, that despite the fact that taking care of my parents required a lot of effort, and it was often very hard, I considered it a privilege to be able to support them in the time of their greatest need. And I know that it benefited us both in more ways than we could have ever imagined before that decision was ever implemented.
Doug, good job taking care of your parents. My wife died due to complications of dementia four years ago. I was able to take care of her at home myself until the last five months when I had to have in home help. My wife and I had always been very close, but we became much closer during the time she required my help. My experience as a caregiver was as you describe, it felt like an honor and privilege. Even when she didn’t know my name or that I was her husband, she knew I was someone who loved her and was caring for her. Circumstances vary for everyone, but for us, me and my wife, it was a life changing experience and I am glad I didn’t miss it.
❤️
Here is the unique way it went for my parents who are now both deceased.
They relocated from the state to which they originally retired to the state where I lived. At the time they were 78 and 76.
They lived in a condominium about five miles from my home very independently for seven years. We did much together as a family. It was wonderful for my children and me having my parents live so close and so involved in our lives.
After those seven years (at 85 and 83) they moved into a Continuing Care Retirement Community (CCRC) about 10 miles away from my home. They continued to be fairly independent for about 4 more years, until their health started to deteriorate. We were able to visit with one another at least once a week.
At about 89 and 87, lots of health issues began and they both got to the point where they needed dedicated assistance. Instead of moving into a different residence, we hired a live-in aid who lived with them in a spare bedroom in their CCRC apartment.
This was very expensive, but luckily the expense was partially paid by their employer’s long term insurance, with the remainder paid out of their assets. Many people will not have this option.
Though the CCRC had certain assisted living services, they were not adequate for my parents’ needs.
There is no way even though I lived 10 miles away (even if I lived next door) that I could have completely handled their needs on my own.
The woman who came to assist my parents, ended up living with them for 7 years until both of their deaths (at 91 and 94). She was such a blessing to my parents and to me. I can’t imagine having gotten through this stage of my parents life without her.
Though the last few years of my parents’ life were not an easy time for any of us, I am so glad that I was able to live close enough to them and have the ability to spend the time and energy that I did to provide support. I know that I grew as a person and in my faith due to the experience.
But without their loving, live-in aid the experience would have been much more difficult for us all.
Relying on children may or may not work out, depending on the children’s situation and past relationships. The somewhat informal situation you describe sounds great, as long as you are in reasonable shape, and there is an ongoing supply of volunteers. However, if you can afford it, and it is an if, I still think a carefully chosen CCRC is a better situation. People at mine who have kids, all say that their kids are grateful for their choice, and I think in some cases the kids help with the cost. Certainly, as a single person, I feel more secure here, and there is so much going on.
There are certainly many different types of care available, and for some people they can be genuinely invaluable. But if I’m being honest, I truly believe that during the darkest and most demanding times of caregiving, those of us who have children will find that they step up more readily — and with a deeper understanding of what you actually need — than almost anyone else.
I was lucky with my mum. She had wonderful neighbours and dedicated care staff who gave so much of themselves. But there’s a limit to what they can offer, and in my heart I feel it falls short of what close family — the people who truly know you — are able to give.
There are people who have outlived their family. There are people estranged from their family. There are people whose family is scattered round the country (maybe not an issue in Ireland, but certainly one in the US). Yes, the situation you describe is ideal, at least for the person in need of care, but for many people it is just not going to happen. The situation is less ideal for the family member(s) providing care, especially if the situation lasts for years.
Boston College’s Center for Retirement Research published a report on this issue in 2025. The statistics speak for themselves: the National Alliance for Caregiving (NAC) and AARP put the number of family caregivers in the US at 59 million. Whatever way you look at it — and regardless of the size of the nation — caregiving in America is clearly a massive, family-driven reality. Ireland may be a different story, but the scale of this in the US is hard to ignore…it obviously happens to a high degree.
Yes, it does. That doesn’t make it ideal. Much of it is unpaid. Much of it is provided by women, who may have to quit work. Caregiver burnout is very real.
You don’t cite your source, but if it’s this, early on it says:
“… the burden on those family members can also be huge in terms of forgoing paid employment or work opportunities, time with family and friends, and general exhaustion.”
I completely agree it’s far from ideal. I spent four years with my life on hold caring for my mum — and this was alongside a professional care package that included four daily visits from a medical company, plus wonderfully helpful neighbours. Even with all of that in place, I once tried to take a holiday during that period, only to be called back home after a few days due to a care crisis. My point is that alternative arrangements can work up to a point, but on many occasions the situation demands more than they’re able to provide. We might not want to admit that reality, but it needs to be highlighted.
That sounds a lot like my experience with my parents. I deferred taking vacation for quite a while and then when I finally did, I was on the phone with my Mom and caregivers for hours on end during the vacation.
It was difficult. But, I still feel very fortunate that they and I had the additional support we did.
I don’t know how some families do it.
I suspect very few arrangements are ideal. But I do agree that in my darkest moments I would want to be near family members— not depend on low paid works for my well/being. At the same time, I would not want to live with my children as I die. I believe it is the parents’ responsibility to relocate, many CCRCs accept direct to assisted living residents. But I think it’s important to have a family member near by to oversee care. Also— as mentioned above— another caregiver in addition to the institution’s workers is also likely to be necessary.
is all of this very expensive? Absolutely! Its just the way it is.
“At the same time, I would not want to live with my children as I die.”
My mother in law lived with us for the last year of her life. When she went to the hospital for the final time my wife and her mother were considering bringing her home and arranging hospice care. I said to my wife she had spent enough time as “the care giver” it was time for her to be “the daughter.”
afterwards my wife stated she was glad that was the decision she made”.
That conclusion was confirmed in my mind when I spent the last few hours of my uncle’s life caring for him in his home. I was glad I did this as I have a medical background and his family did not and thus they told me I was of great assistance. I saw how it was a lot of work for the family and at times I was able to be the only one with him so the family could take a break together.
I’m not saying what they did was wrong it’s just that situations were different. My wife was both physically and emotionally tired from a year of providing care and it was better for her to offload that in the final days.
Great topic, Kristine. In my work as a physical therapist in a small community, I’ve worked closely with patients and families who represent the spectrum of socioeconomic situations, from the truly destitute to one whose second home was a French chateau, and from those who have a large family with deep roots to a 55-plus community of transplants.
During that time, I’ve observed many different care arrangements. I think any of them can work, if the person needing care is honest about their need and open-minded about how they get it. Still, it remains one of life’s toughest challenges.
Edit: At the end of this article from his Guide, Jonathan gathered a list of articles from HumbleDollar contributors about the topic.
Great comment Edmund.
“…if the person needing care is honest about their need and open-minded about how to get it” is such an important point.
Having discussions about care in the later years of life seems to be almost as difficult as having discussions about financial topics.
Every so often there will be a very sad story about a resident in our community…someone who either didn’t ask (or was unable to ask, or refused to ask) for additional care/help. This often results in a tragedy of some type or another.
Recently we had a woman in her 70’s who was killed while she was out walking her dogs. Another resident, who was 94 years old, hit her with their car.
Having someone (family member of friend) who can convince someone of their limitations seems like an immensely important part of successfully aging in place.
“If the person needing care is honest about their need…” says it all, Edmund. I’m also a retired PT and worked in Homecare for many years. It seems to me that “insight” is one of the first abilities to go as we decline. It often takes some convincing to help an individual see what is the best solution to their problem.
We’ve had an interesting wrinkle on this in our family. My husband’s widowed stepfather (age 83) lives in an age-restricted community in Orange County (CA). However, even though neighbors do look out for each other, he doesn’t have much of a local support system. Over the recent months, he’s had shoulder surgery and a hip replacement and is about to have his other shoulder done. This was a problem because he didn’t have anyone to transport him or to look after him post-surgery. We live 400 miles away and his son lives in Virginia.
Enter an old friend of my mother-in-law. She lives in southern Utah and has kept in touch with him since my MIL died. They’ve taken some trips together, usually with other friends of hers or his son’s family. She came from Utah to look after him when he had the hip surgery and he paid her for the care. (She had a late-in-life divorce that was messy and left her in a tough financial situation.) When he needed the shoulders done, she didn’t want to stay at his place in California again, so he arranged to have the surgeries done in Utah and stay at her house, again helping her out with expenses.
He needs someone to help him. She needs extra money. They both enjoy the companionship. It’s taken a logistical worry off our plate.
We were a bit worried at first that she might be taking advantage of him financially, but he just re-did his estate plan and “promoted” my husband from executor to co-trustee, so my husband now has the standing to keep an eye on things.
One of my neighbors just moved her stepfather from one side of the country to the other side into a senior living facility, even though he had his own adult children nearby, but they had no interest in his care; they’re waiting for the inheritance as I’m told. Now he gets the care from a family member who cares about him along with a daily visit.
That’s such a great example of a creative solution to care giving!
My daughter and son-in-law have happily and enthusiastically come to the rescue of the other parents. I do not want to be their next project. Our county provides services to help, but I don’t know if they are as developed as those in your area.
Back in the 50s, my grandma shared the house with someone. They were a bit of the ‘odd couple’, but it worked. My other grandmother lived with us for nearly 20 years.
I have often considered the possibility of a roommate if I were to outlive Chris, though based on gender and age, my surviving Chrissy is doubtful.
Kristine, thanks for an interesting article. During my 8 years of volunteer income tax preparation I’ve observed that co-living is definitely one of the ways retirees of modest income can stretch their budget. I’ve seen a variety of multi-generations, siblings, cousins, and friends living together. From what I’ve observed it provides financial and social benefits.
I’ve seen the same thing, I also have friends with good resources doing the same thing.