If you thought my posts on family estrangement and supporting adult children were doozies, wait until you dig into this one.
My musings on all three of these topics are specifically related to how complicated the interaction between family dynamics (especially if it’s a “difficult” family) and our finances can be. This one focuses on how caring for parents as they age can raise challenging questions.
Like many of you, I’m at the stage of life where I view these questions both as a daughter and as a parent. The parameters and principles I hold to right now (about the older generation) could well be turned around to apply to me and my husband, and that all factors in to how I think about these matters.
Anyway, let’s dig in. I see two separate but related sets of factors or questions.
Financial/Practical Questions
- If the aging parent needs regular or even daily assistance, are you willing and able to provide it? How might time spent fixing up their home, driving them to appointments, buying groceries, cooking, cleaning, and more, affect your own financial situation, especially if you’re still working? What about your ability to care for yourself and your own family, if you have one? What if you don’t live anywhere near them?
- If the parent says something like “I want to live out my years in my own home. Don’t ever put me in assisted living”–are you (and your siblings, if applicable) able and willing to help make that happen? Will a family member move in with them? Will you have to provide the care yourself, or pay for in-home caregivers? If the parent has their own means to pay for help, who will be in charge of arranging and overseeing that care? If there are gaps in coverage, who will solve that problem?
- If the parent either agrees to move into a residential care situation or is unable to make those decisions for themselves (because of cognitive or physical limitations), do they have the means (funds or long-term care insurance) to pay for it? If not, are you able and willing to chip in or pay for it entirely? Who will find the facility, and who will oversee the parent’s care once they’ve moved in?
Relational Questions
- Do you have a warm, supportive relationship with this parent, or is it a difficult relationship? How does the quality of the relationship affect your answers to the above practical questions? (Should it?)
- Has your parent made financial/life decisions over the years that have put them into a precarious situation now? While perhaps it’s not your place, as the child, to judge them, is it then your responsibility to make sacrifices to cover up for their (maybe bad) decisions?
- How would it be received if, for example, you suggested the parent apply for Medicaid to cover long-term care instead of paying for it out of resources that you will need for your own retirement years?
There are bigger ethical and philosophical questions to consider, too. After all, it was the parents’ decision to bring the children into the world, not the other way around. So in what sense does a child “owe” them anything? The traditional answer to that, of course, is that family love and loyalty should transcend generations: We care for our parents when the need arises and we hope that our children will do the same for us when the time comes. But what if that isn’t a realistic expectation, either because you don’t have children or other family members who would or could care for you, or because giving the parent what they “want” (for example, years of in-home care or a more deluxe residential facility) would harm your own ability to care for yourself and your own children (if you have them)?
“My kids will handle it when the time comes” is the easy answer for many people. Obviously for some people, that’s no answer at all. But is it ever the best answer for anyone, and if so, under what conditions?
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Just sent your article to 21 family members of this generation and the next. Hopefully, it will help them prepare for the future. They’re tired of hearing just my voice.
Thank you for bringing this up, Dana and others. MIL is still in denial of her Alzheimer’s diagnosis. She still thinks she can handle things herself, and does not want to move to AL, even though we all think it would be better for her to have a say in where she ends up. As it is, there will be a crisis and she will have to go where there is a bed. There is only so much I can say as an in-law. We are starting to look for places here where we live and asked Spouse’s siblings to do the same.
I think about your questions about what do we owe our parents regularly. We were the family who always lived away, over 40 years now. It is difficult to weigh that against their neediness now. We don’t have the close family relationships that I am guessing many HD folks have/had. We are doing better with our kids than they did with us as far as being in each others’ lives. Chris
Sorry if I missed earlier articles. I am the parent in this situation and have 2 adult children who are willing to help a lot. One is local with a fulltime job and the other is 4 hours and a SAHM (with a disabled child).
My wife of 57 years passed away in June. My kids are helping me declutter our house of 52 years. We have made a lot of progress but still work to do.
I am 80 years old and realize this house and 2 acres of wooded land is too much for me. I know I want to sell and buy something else, but need to do some research to determine best fit. CCRC, condo, detached house or what. I prefer a detached home with no maintenance, but only if it provides a good social environment. I helped a lady move into a detached home in Sun City, Indian Land, SC, about an hour away. I really liked that arrangement and they seem to have many social activities, including their own golf course. It has over 3,000 homes.
We have a lot of CCRCs nearby as well as over 55 communities. I need to take my time researching options. Affordability is not an issue. Current home is worth about $450k and I could easily afford a $600k to $700k property.
As others have stated, I do not want to burden my children with my care. Conversely, I want to live independently as long as I can.
I’m so sorry for the loss of your wife. Great that your kids are helping with the down-sizing. I’m with William on the benefits of a carefully chosen CCRC. There are levels of care, and there’s a reason they call the first one Independent Living. We have people still working, some from home. We have many people traveling. We have people volunteering both outside and inside the community, and it is a community. We also have an onsite clinic, which I use for primary care, and onsite physical and occupational therapists, plus a swimming pool and a gym and loads of exercise classes and social activities. There is transport to doctors’ appointments, and trips to outside events. Also, no yard work and no maintenance!
BTW, I see you are in NC, as am I. If you’re in the Triangle area both Duke and NC State often have OLLI classes on choosing a CCRC. Unfortunately, wait lists at good ones are very long.
Sorry for your loss. We are 79 and live in a CCRC for 3 years. For sure time to get out of your home and into a simpler place with ease of care. The benefits are wonderful, all the activities you could ask for, your apartment and all your utilities taken care of, and most of all a community of fabulous people. Take your time, and review at least 7 to 10 places, get the feel of the CCRC and most of all it people, talk to residents, check out cleaning, dining, and anything else on your mind. Maybe stay overnight as they usually have a few guest rooms, then you can check out the food, breakfast, lunch and dinner. Good luck and best to you in your future.
So sorry for the loss of your wife, Jerry, and best of luck researching your next move!
Great article. I’m 71 and have a 90 year old MIL who is living independently and strongly rejects the idea of a CCRC (even though there’s a good one very close). She does have the means, although I do suspect the cost goes against her frugal nature. I’ve resolved that I’ll simply support my wife and we’ll do the best we can to deal with MIL issues as they arise. Her attitude doesn’t really give us any other options. This experience has strengthened my resolve to never be a burden to my kids. I do believe they’d help both me and my wife, but my goal is for that to never be necessary. I’ve supported myself my entire adult life and when the time comes I’d like to go out without having been a burden to the ones I love. To that end my wife and I have LTC policies, taken pension survivor benefits for the surviving spouse, and plan to enter a CCRC in our early 80’s. Can our plan fail; sure. But we’re trying to minimize the odds of failure. Gene
I feel exactly the same way, Gene. Watching our parents’ decisions (or lack thereof) has highly motivated us to do a better job while we still have time to plan and research our options. We also have LTC policies, survivor benefits on our pensions, and will research and put a deposit down on a CCRC(s). We’re 65 so still have a bit of time, but you never know what’s around the corner. Best of luck with the MIL situation.
I think about these issues more every day, not from the point of view of a caregiver but from that of the one being cared for.
Connie can no longer drive because of her eye injury, she is short so she can’t even reach some dishes in the kitchen cabinet. She has severe back issue so she can’t walk long distances or stand too long.
So what if? Both of us do not want to be in any type of facility. We moved to a condo so we could avoid that. But what if?
We also don’t want to be a burden on our children. Financially that won’t happen, but that may not the greater burden.
My greatest concern is maintaining our independence as I believe is case with most seniors.
Several of our neighbors have care givers. Our condo is designed so even live in help would have their own room and bath.
But trying not to think about it.
Everybody wants to be Independent, until we cannot. Like you we do not want to be a burden to our children. It might be wise to check out the CCRC’s, just by chance you will find one that suits you. Ours has Independent Living, Assisted Living, Memory Care, and Nursing. It is really a comfort to cover all the bases. I know you love that condo, but there are other possibilities, so just give it a try. For background I said NO, Never, well, then I became realistic about the future, and now enjoy all the fruits of the like Cruise Ship we live in, I say that because they take care of everything, unlimited activities, swimming pool, you name it we have the activity, cleaning of your apartment, and feed us every day, with Continental breakfast, Cafe, and find dining in the evening with various options. This ship is always in port, the only thing holding you back is your mind. Test it out somehow, visit, dine, maybe stay overnight in a guest room. It sure is working out for us and hope you find what works for your long term future.
Your most imminent risk is probably you losing your ability to drive (and/or recognising that it is time to give up the keys).
I was very glad we had persisted with encouraging my mother to keep up her independent driving – even if it was only short distances and local- when my father’s eyesight and reaction times rapidly declined.
I would assume you live somewhere that taxis/uber would not be a major problem to retain the rest of your lifestyle.
I know others where it has taken one or two accidents before parents finally surrendered their automotive autonomy. Depending on location that can be an additional burden on family to run errands.
It sounds like you’ve done everything you could reasonably do so far, from moving to a senior condo that has room for a caregiver to being financially self-sufficient.
I guess the hard question to ask yourself is what happens if you pass first? I know Connie’s a bit older than you are, but she also has some physical limitations that would make it tough to be independent if you were gone. Would she go live near/with one of your kids? Is there a care facility either near where you are or near one of your kids that you could check out? I know it’s not what either of you want, but I think it’s better to have some options mapped out while you still can…otherwise, someone else might make decisions for you or Connie. I’d say you and Connie should have an honest conversation about this and then bring in your kids. Maybe you’ve done this already, but if not, I assure you that your kids will thank you for caring enough about them to discuss things with them.
Dana thank you for a very thoughtful article and some very good suggestions.
As Jonathan is always saying—you’ve got to have a plan”. No one is impervious to the frailties of old age.
Life is just full of curve balls. While I think it’s good to discuss expectations with children in advance, there is only so much anybody can really do. My husband and I (both or one survivor) will move near one of our children and accept whatever level of institutional care, if necessary. But, at present, our friends include one man and his wife with advanced Parkinson’s— he has two live-in caregivers 24/7; a woman (84) who is a full- time caregiver to her 86 year old husband with Alzheimer’s— she doesn’t expect any help from his sons and is getting him acquainted with a memory care option, if that becomes necessary; an 86 year old widower who used hospice at home when his wife died two years ago, and who now lives independently in a two plus story home; and a friend whose husband died almost 3 years ago, and who has lived with another man for about a year and a half. I’d say all are managing things reasonably well—and none is relying on children for help.
I’m 8 years behind you, but with you on this. My gut hopes my future decline will be gradual and smooth, leaving plenty of time to adjust, yet my brain reminds me things can change in an instant.
Many states have filial support laws in place. Few enforce them to any extent…yet. A friend from college says that she had children specifically so they would take care of her in her old age. A real charmer, eh?
I think that’s common in some cultures.
Interesting. I did a little research and it seems the UK doesn’t have such a law, although Wikipedia says it grew out of the Elizabethan Poor Laws. Wikipedia also says it applies to indigent as well as elderly parents.
Good point. My state is one of them.
I lived this question in the last 2 years. I am a physician who was 1000% committed to my mother’s right to live and die where she wanted. She had lived in one house, that my father build, for 64 years. My 2 brothers and I – her only 3 kids – had all moved away, albeit within 4 -5 hour drive. She developed dementia, we made it work in her home for a while. Was very very difficult. Finally the “blast radius” of the dementia (me getting calls from neighbors in the middle of the night that she was calling them, other neighbors telling me she wasn’t safe) got to big, and we moved her to an assisted living in Houston, where one of my brothers lived. Was really tough for all involved. Ultimately we moved her again, to the city where I live, and I became primary caretaker.
None of this was easy, most was emotionally draining. It affected the entirety of our lives. But for us, there was never a question that we would do everything we could to keep her comfortable and minimally unhappy. That it would be difficult was a given.
We all experience different models of parenting and family dynamics. I believe those earliest experiences are the main influence on how we think about our obligations.
One day during post-COVID, my mother, who lived alone, decided to take a drive south for 150 miles into the beach. She almost drowned in her car but God saved her; a late park visitor saw the tail light of her car and notified the park ranger. She was diagnosed with dementia and now is residing in a memory care. My siblings thought dementia and serious neurological disease only happened to other people.
As far as family dynamics is concerned, my mother, before the above incident, had an estranged re/ship with her children, myself included. Now, we, her children, have to provide the care. Sounds unreasonable but that’s life.
That sounds awful. We went through a similar trajectory with my MIL’s dementia and neighbors calling us (we live 400 miles away). It was so stressful.
We are going through this also. Chris
I think a number of posts below have it right that this is highly specific to the dynamics of individual families.
I guess all that we can do is ensure that we make our wishes as concrete and documented as possible while we are still lucid such that the opinions of various offspring/ remoter family members don’t overprovide for us.
For me in the run to early retirement I know I’m less concerned with office presenteeism which frees me up to work from home at my mother’s regularly. That addresses her core need at present which is around loneliness rather than specific care.
My brother’s kids are still a (rapidly adulting) demand but he and my SiL have extended their house with a guest suite that is futureproofed for being a groundfloor granny annexe for any parent that might need it. So we think we’re probably covered reasonably for everything but alzheimer’s/dementia.
That would probably have to involve care facilities and I think we’re fine with recognising it would erode any potential inheritance depending on how successful the line between medical and social care can be drawn for financial assistance.
Between you living close enough and having flexible work arrangements to keep your mother company and your brother having a plan in place, it sounds like your family is well prepared for the future. Good on all of you.
Dana, thanks very much for a terrific series. I’m sure this post will interest many readers, and many will have their own stories to contribute. I expect most of the stories will focus on the reader experience taking care of aging parents. I could certainly contribute our stories, but I’d like to emphasize this sentence.
The parameters and principles I hold to right now (about the older generation) could well be turned around to apply to me and my husband, and that all factors in to how I think about these matters.
It’s an area of retirement planning that I’ve been thinking about. Many of the stories we hear about have some aspect of parents having unrealistic expectations or wishes about their condition. They may be in denial about their condition, in fear about change, or suffering from cognitive decline. Their unwillingness to cooperate, or make reasonable decisions, makes a difficult situation even harder.
How do we make plans to make sure that we are not a financial burden to our children? Moreover, how do we make sure that we are have reasonable expectations, and will make reasonable decisions that don’t make it doubly difficult for our kids, A big part of the challenge may be when we lack the self-awareness, and/or cognitive abilities to make good decisions.
This is exactly it, Rick—“the unwillingness to cooperate or make reasonable decisions.” It’s easy enough, I guess, to evaluate a situation from outside and say “here’s what needs to happen,” but when it’s not your decision, you’re stuck dealing with the usually inevitable consequences of other people’s refusal to face reality or magical thinking. It’s hard, I know, to face one’s own decline or mortality. Really hard. I’m old enough now myself to have compassion for it.
The part I struggle with is when someone puts their own comfort and wants over what’s best for their children. As a parent I have a hard time understanding how one could just blithely ignore the burdens they’re placing on their kids. I’d say I lean towards the side of “I have responsibility for my kids because I chose to have them” over “I have to care for a parent no matter what it costs me or my kids.” But none of this is easy.
You and your children pay for this care in time and mind space as well as dollars. So a triple cost. I think I’ve set up a plan that should work financially (if my lifespan is typical for someone of my age and circumstances, not to age 105.) And I hope to limit my kids worrying about responsibility for me and taking time and money away from living their best lives (which could last a half century longer than mine.) I agree with Quan Nguyen’s comment “The parent usually values dignity and autonomy over safety and life prolongation.” I’m part of that “usually”. Thus my time “away” in my tin can casita in the desert, in the company of my sibling and others of similar inclination. Where I hope to gradually fall apart out of sight if not completely out of mind.
My own parents had the foresight to smoke heavily, drink too much, eat red meat and potatoes galore, never exercise, eschew regular checkups. This had the typical effect of their era, they died decades ago. I have missed their company and advice as I navigated my early career and middle age, but at this point am glad not to be part of the “sandwich” generation. I lavish my worries and spare change on my children and a bit on myself.
Caring for one’s aging parent is an unequal burden of the worst sort and I hope you have many smart people and sympathetic ears to turn to.
You’ve just started your retirement. Listening to the oldsters at my over-55 park has convinced me that those first years should be given over to exploring whatever interests you. Not to completely neglect others you care about or feel some degree of obligation for. But make a chart of descending obligations. Put yourself at
the top, no one else will put you there.
You probably know the Carl Sandburg aphorism (not in a poem, from a conversation so third party reported, several variations in circulation.)
“Time is the coin of your life. You decide how to spend it, Don’t let others decide.”
This is a tough one. In a perfect world, where resources such as time and money are unlimited, I think most kind hearted people would do everything they could for their parents, regardless of relationship. But we don’t live in that world.
I didn’t have a father growing up, so was raised by mother. She’s a very sweet lady, but was neglectful and willful. I say this with no joy or judgement, but rather as a father who has gone through almost the full lifecycle of raising my own children. I raised them the way I would have liked to have been brought up. I didn’t let my hardscrabble childhood define me so much as drive me. It’s worked out fairly well.
Getting myself educated and having a career meant moving away from the east side of Buffalo. So, I have siblings there who had the benefit of my mother’s help in raising their kids as de facto nanny. Again, no judgement, But I made sure my children were provided for and looked after properly. As we know, proper childcare, on top of saving for college, is a heavy lift.
Theres more layers to this, but the long and short is I’ll be looking at my younger sister to step up after the many many years of having monopolized my mothers’ generous help in order for her to avoid childcare expenses during multiple divorces.
My mother has dementia and will need adequate care as she’s getting worse. She remarried 5 years ago and her husband is shocked at this turn of events ( newsflash – health problems happen after age 70) Yes, we’ve done well financially, but by the same token I do not see the logic in sacrificing everything my wife and I have worked for in order to have a fancier nursing home. I’ll be letting my sister and my mothers husband take care of it.
Yep. That’s exactly the kind of complicated fact pattern I was getting at with my questions. Sound like you and your wife have done a great job.
My mother-in-law (96) is one of those people who just refused to face reality or take any responsibility for her finances, or life choices in general.
Two years ago she had a fall and broke her hip. After her stay at the rehab center, we knew she wasn’t ready to be alone in her condo, so she came to stay with us. We thought she’d be home again in a few months, but then we realized that she wasn’t able to figure out her medications and was either skipping doses or taking them more than she should.
So now she’s here. The good thing about that is no more visits to the casino, where she managed to lose a nice six-figure sum over the prior seven years (we were able to access her records at the casino).
Her SS payment is enough to cover her condo fees (she refuses to give it up, even though she’ll never live there again), meds, and health insurance premiums.
We tried to get her to sell the condo years ago and turn our downstairs family room into a studio apartment for her, but no, she wouldn’t go for that.
If she gets to the point where she has to go to a nursing home, my brother-in-law (retired, married, no kids) said he has money set aside to pay for four years of care at current prices.
Basically, the only effect on us is that we need to be around to take care of her, so spur-of-the-moment travel is out of the question. If she’s still with us when we retire, that’s going to be a whole other problem to deal with!
My parents are in another country and have the resources to take care of themselves. When I go to visit, I just take care of jobs around the house, help them file paperwork, fix any tech issues they have, etc.
Hoo boy. That’s a rough set of circumstances. It’s good that your BIL has the funds to step in if/when the time comes.
I’m not sure how this reply will be received. Initially, I was going to share a reply based on my mum’s care experience, but we all have difficult and emotional stories of a hard journey. So, I thought I would look at this from an oblique business angle, trying to strip out the emotions and give an objective assessment that might provide a good framework for working through the journey.
The core of all those questions revolves around limited resources and how they are deployed—whether they are:
Time: Your time, siblings’ time, a parent’s remaining time at home.
Money: The parent’s savings, long-term care insurance, your personal finances, siblings’ contributions, potential government assistance.
Physical and Emotional Energy: Your capacity to provide hands-on care, deal with difficult conversations, manage stress, and maintain your own well-being.
Physical Space: Whether the parent’s home is suitable, or if a family member has space to move them in.
Skills and Knowledge: Who has the expertise to navigate healthcare systems, manage finances, or arrange care.
How are these going to be distributed and utilized to meet the needs of the aging parent, while also considering the impact on the children and their own families?
The core problem is making difficult choices on how to best deploy these finite resources to achieve the “least worst outcome” (e.g., parent staying at home, quality care, financial stability for all) in the face of competing demands and limitations.
I see my reply as providing a possible framework that complements the emotional and practical questions. It takes the subjective and often overwhelming nature of elder care and turns it into a manageable problem-solving exercise. This, I think, would be helpful for families struggling to figure out “what to do” because it helps break down the overwhelming problem into quantifiable (or at least identifiable) issues that can be discussed and planned for.
It could set the stage for a family meeting, moving beyond blame to manage resources and make the best possible decisions for everyone involved. It’s not an emotional, lived-experience reply, but maybe a helpful one.
This is a really good list. I think the hard part is that families just don’t talk about this until a crisis hits. I remember having a family Zoom meeting back in 2022 to talk about my MIL’s obviously advancing Alzheimer’s; it was a good first step, but it didn’t really resolve much.
One good meeting or first step is exactly that. One meeting. To minimize everyone’s distress, better to initiate and continue family meetings, maybe quarterly, even conference calls. If some are unable or unwilling to participate, the closer to this strategy the better.
Humans are motivated by emotions and also influenced by them; rationalization often follows after an emotional response. Our emotions are shaped by our worldview and moderated by cultural norms. These factors give rise to deep-seated expectations and desires within each individual—both parents and children. The greater the overlap between these expectations and desires, the stronger the relationship; the less the overlap, the weaker the connection. Caring for aging parents is just one way these relationships show up. And when you throw money into the mix, things can get even more complicated.
My parents and parent in-laws grew up in a World War II agrarian village, where they expected complete filial devotion from their children while maintaining full autonomy over their own lives, including decisions about where and how to live into old age. In contrast, 21st-century American culture often presents obstacles to fulfilling those expectations. Elderly individuals frequently have to relinquish their autonomy to medical professionals or nursing home regulations, or else risk physical injuries and disabilities.
My mother, who was dependent on a wheelchair, expected the children to care for in her own home. She refused to live with any of her children or to move into a nursing home, rationalizing her choice by saying ‘I do not want to be a burden.’ For some family members, allowing her to live alone – even with a hired caregiver- felt like abandonment; while for others, it was viewed as the highest gesture of love and respect.
Similarly, my 100 yo father in-law lived in his 2-story house. He broke his spine in 2 places from 2 separate falls, but insisted on staying put until he died – with or without the care of any children. Even in the last days of life, he somehow recovered from aspiration pneumonia just long enough to say “take me home.” His children fought among themselves whether to honor his wish. As soon as the ambulance took him home and we got him into his bed, he smiled and peacefully passed away.
The conflicts between our responsibilities to an aging parent, our own families, and our careers are typical of modern life. We struggle most when there is no clear guidance. Without clear guidance, we must shape – and be shaped by – the unique relationship between two people.
Both of those sound like really difficult situations. Yikes.
Caring for a frail elderly parent often means facing the painful truth: caring for the soul may conflict with caring for the body. The parent usually values dignity and autonomy over safety and life prolongation. Most want to live and die on their own terms – remaining at home for ease of mind is one such term. Most children may wish to honor that, but unable to overcome the emotional need to hold onto the body a little longer. They struggle with whether to move the parent elsewhere – into their homes, or even nursing home. Beneath the tension between parent and child is love, tangled with grief, as both sides seek for the least emotionally painful path forward.
Dana, you really did save the best for last.
In the early 2000s I tried without any success to convince my folks to give up the 2 story house before either suffered an injury that would force a move not on their own terms. On mothers day in 2003 mom fell on the steps, breaking a bone in her neck.
As luck would have it, I had been sleeping at the neighbor’s house most nights. Don’t judge, Chrissy eventually made an honest man out of me, but I digress. I moved my folks into my place, with not a step in sight. I stopped in each morning before going to work, and spent time with them each evening. I happened to be severely under-employed at the time, so I was available to take them to doctor appointments and run errands for them.
Dad died later that year. After that, mom’s health, both physical and mental, began to deteriorate. Eventually my brother stepped up, moving mom in with them. That didn’t go well, and mom soon asked to move to assisted living. A year later, after a couple strokes, mom required a stay in a nursing home. Throughout this entire time, I rarely missed a day with her. Mom passed in 2007, less than 3 years after dad.
My parents were not wealthy, but did have the resources to pay the nursing home for a period of about 5 years, so money did not become an issue. Mom needed more care than either I or my brother could provide, and round the clock care at home would not have been affordable.
The one thing I could afford was my time, ensuring that mom knew that she would never be forgotten.
That’s a great example of how a family made a difficult situation work out with some love and commitment. They had enough money to pay for care. You had a place to bring them and the time and space to help out. It sounds like you have no regrets.
The stairs thing made me shudder. We begged my husband’s stepfather to get his mother out of their two-story home. She had increasing balance and mobility issues as her Alzheimer’s progressed, and she’d taken several bad falls. The stairs between their master bedroom and the rest of the house were steep even for an able-bodied person. It was an accident waiting to happen, and in September 2023, it did happen—she fell down the stairs, was seriously injured, and spent a month in the hospital. After that he moved her to a single-story place until she finally went to memory care for her last few months.