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With families spread out across the country—and sometimes across the world—I’ve been chewing on something for a while.
Quick definition: a nuclear family is the basic household unit—parents (or a single parent) and kids living together.
What I’m really asking about is the older geographic family nucleus—grandparents, siblings, aunts/uncles close enough to be “boots on the ground” when you need help.
It seems like that this started loosening after WWII and, by the late 70s/80s, more families were scattered for careers, school, military life, divorce/remarriage, and plain mobility.
The practical result is pretty simple: a lot of us can’t assume family is nearby when real life hits—surgery, illness, a spouse needing care, a sudden fall, a car in the shop, you name it.
So, here’s my questions:
If family isn’t local, how do you plan for the “support gap” that distance creates?
• Do you set a target monthly spending level for help you might outsource—housekeeping, yard work, meals, transportation, handyman, occasional in-home assistance? If so, what number do you use and what drove it?
• Do you maintain a separate “distance fund” for travel—planned visits and last-minute trips for emergencies?
• Does being far from family push you toward long-term care insurance, a retirement community/Continuing Care Retirement Community, or simply a plan to pay for in-home care as needed?
• For those already living this: what costs were bigger (or smaller) than you expected?
Here’s the planning assumption I’m trying to sharpen into something usable:
“If we don’t have nearby family support, we should treat help as an intentional part of the plan—either (1) a recurring ‘outsourced support’ spending target plus a separate travel/emergency reserve, or (2) a dedicated reserve/insurance strategy for short bursts of higher help needs.”
How have you quantified that “support gap” in your own plan—rules of thumb, real numbers, or lessons learned?
While the financial support gap is real, we can fund and plan to fill the gap. The emotional support gap is just as real and needs to be addressed as well.
This morning started with news from my son-in-law that his father suddenly passed during the night. (The man retired in September.) My SIL and his siblings all live close to his parents and the emotional support will be more precious than anything else.
My wife is a Geriatric Care Manager. If you are in a situation where you are alone, have family in another state, or are becoming a caregiver for a spouse look into this type of service. She will assist coordination of Dr appts, rides to Dr visits, attend the visit and take notes, inform family if so requested. Help with searching for care in home or assisted living. Work with pharmacies to get medication, and a host of other practical day to day needs. It’s not for everyone, but if you or someone you know needs this type of service, it could be invaluable. She can take care of the grind so you don’t have to. We are in GA but I understand that these services are taking shape all over the country now.
Good one. I had a life lesson in most of this starting 30 years ago as an only child and grandchild living in another state. That 12-year lesson of managing care, visits, finances, support, government rules, nursing homes, real-estate transactions, wills, estates and lots more, provided the impetus and some of the knowledge and experience that has been useful in planning for my wife and I. The first two questions are financial and the answer is we did not dive into detailed budgeting, but we did is work long and hard and save so that we have a reasonable war chest. Yes we did buy traditional LTCI in our 50s and yes we went on the waiting list for 4 CCRCs in our 60s. I feel like we are pretty well prepared. We also are investing in our health to increase our healthspan-my hope is to extend the Go-Go years right through our 70s! We’ll see, I turn 70 this year!
I don’t see it as a “live on your own” vs CCRC dichotomy. There are other variables. My husband and I are both 83 and in good health for our age. Our kids are scattered around the country— the closest is a daughter two hours away. We have lived in our house for almost 50 years, so even with the married couple exclusion our capital gains tax would be through the roof— ideally, I’d like the kids to get the money rather than IRS! Also, there is the issue of where would we go— all the kids had serious job offers this year that would have required relocation.
At the moment we’re doing nothing. We do have LTC insurance and our pensions solid. We are committed to assuring that we aren’t a burden to our kids. They have full information on our finances, know we are willing to move wherever and accept whatever paid care they think appropriate, (they are health care professionals so well equipped to do what is necessary to obtain it.)
maybe we’re whistling past the graveyard, but at the moment we are in a wait mode. At some point that will change, but at this point I think any choice we make right now might not be optimal for us or our kids.
I moved to a CCRC a little over two years ago. It has been one of my best decisions. My fellow residents also seem very happy.
I had been living alone, with family 3,000 miles away in two directions. I had had cleaners and a yard service for decades – I treated them as monthly expenses along with water and utilities. I had also found an excellent, reliable handyman company. Friends helped when I needed to visit a hospital.
I would caution people thinking that a CCRC might be a future option, that in my area wait lists for good places are long and getting longer. Signing up in your mid-60s for a move in your 70s would be prudent. Deposits are usually refundable.
I had to retire young from a Federal job (that I loved) due to a permanent health condition. I moved into a CCRC 13 years ago. It works wonderfully for my situation. However, I have a lingering question: I live in the independent living section. I don’t need the help yet that assisted living offers. I am turning 75. Financially, does it make more sense to exercise the option to convert my “rent” now so I am paying towards my future care here, or keep my assets growing in my investments with my financial planner, who knows the health/CCRC situation? I don’t know what percent of a conversion goes towards future assisted living and wouldn’t get interest from the CCRC’s investments of my conversion. Your thoughts?
Not sure I understand the question. Your CCRC seems to have an unusual structure. In Type As, you pay an entry fee and then the same monthly fee in all levels of care. In Type Bs, you pay an entry fee and increasing monthly amounts for increasing levels of care but below market rates. In CCRCs with no entry fee you usually just pay increasing amounts for increasing care. If yours is some kind of hybrid, you need advice from your planner. I paid an entry fee, part of which is pre-payment for future care, and part of my monthly fee is also prepayment. None of my fee is refundable, although you could pay a higher fee for a partial refund.
There is a company in the Seattle area, Homewatch Caregivers. I used them for transportation to and from several medical procedures that involved anesthesia. They did a great job, and were not very expensive.
This is a great post Jeff, though it hits all of my triggers. Although we keep a budget tracker, I don’t extrapolate the cost of travel to family (though I think I should and will go back to see what they were in 2025). My loose plan is that should my husband’s cancer return, I would be his caregiver. If he needed more skilled and extensive care than what I could provide, then his pension with COLA should cover an assisted living or skilled nursing facility. If I were alone and hopefully before I needed care, I think I would sell my home and use the proceeds to buy into a CCRC near one of my girls. I would then use my SS and withdrawals from my portfolio to cover the monthly costs. My 2 girls and grandchildren live in Seattle and New York and we live in Florida so travel costs are definitely a consideration.
As a full-time traveler, this is a frequent topic of discussion among my fellow nomads who have no fixed address. Of course we carry travel and medical insurance and repatriation coverage for our living and deceased bodies. And at the ages of 72 and 77, we find ourselves slowing down and discussing an apartmental (part mental, haha) home base within the next 2 years. It will not be near either of our two children. We have no grandchildren. And we’ll never own a home again. In a sense, our whole lives are now outsourced.
My son took care of my ex as he died from alcoholism and congestive heart failure from 2020-2023. I could never burden him with my care. He knows he is “safe,” due to this promise and the fact that he lives in Florida where the humidity alone would kill me. My 2nd husband’s daughter is a doctor but has her own grandmother and mother to look after. And neither of us would be comfortable with her care as she has fish of her own to fry. If we leave them any money when we pass into the void, it will be unintentional. And they will be grateful but surprised.
My brothers and I had to take care of our mother for 25 years when she had a brain-damaging aneurysm at the age of 51 back in 1979. We know the drill. We know the financial and emotional consequences all too well.
Neither of our careers generated enough income (nor do we have enough investments/savings) to cover a downpayment or monthly expenses of a CCRC. Our net worth is currently $700K—identical to what it was when I quit working in 2020. We are currently withdrawing $40K annually to supplement our SS income of $70K to fully enjoy the kind of experiences nearly good knees and hearts can do, while we can. We are at the end of our go-go road years yielding to slo-go at the next curve.
We will look for a ground floor apartment with a walk-in shower and gym near our health care facilities (Kaiser in Washington State), live on our social security, get a more expensive Medicare Advantage plan, and protect what savings we have to cover whatever health needs are not covered by Medicare. We expect that to be about $600K.
We have agreed that we will do whatever needs to be done to keep the other from devoting what’s left of their life to full-time personal care on a long-term basis. We’ve seen too many widowed friends nearly kill themselves doing so. We admire a couple who spent week-ends together but not week-days as he checked himself into an assisted living facility during the week, allowing her to maintain her friendships and travel. And neither of us would have a problem with returning to part-time work (at least in theory, haha!).
We’ve discussed terminal illnesses at length, having both had cancer. My husband is still living, after 13 years, with Stage 4 prostate cancer which is managed by regular injections of hormone blockers. I’ve been free of Stage 2 breast cancer for 7 years now. I have no problem opting for assisted suicide when my care/pain/ability to enjoy life is at its end. My husband, a lapsed but believing Catholic, expects he’ll move closer to family on the East Coast if he is the survivor.
Of course, life may have wildly different plans than our paltry human ones. And denial and magical thinking have their role to play. I think I might hear some of you more well-heeled and frugal souls screaming at us as I write this. In the meantime, we’re of the Live Your Life, Live Your Life bent.
Thanks for the thought-provoking and clarifying post.
That is an incredibly thorough post. I really appreciate your thoughtfulness and your transparency. In my opinion, you are a role model for how to look these questions in the eye. I bet your son and stepdaughter really appreciate it, too.
Margot, I appreciated and enjoyed reading your post. I am a nomad at heart (though my husband is definitely not) and I admire your lifestyle choice and your transparency of your financial plan. And thank you for sharing your friend’s situation of her husband “checking in” to an assisted living facility for 5 days a week. I didn’t know that that was even a possibility!
We had neighbors in our condo building with sort of this scenario. She’s younger than he is and he has serious health issues. A couple of years ago, she couldn’t continue managing his care on her own, so he moved into a nearby CCRC while she kept the condo. We’re talking it’s maybe a mile from here. She was back and forth all the time, and she’d check him out to come over to the condo, say to watch the 49ers on a Sunday with neighbors. She just sold the condo and moved into a new 55+ community about two miles from here. I assume she’ll continue to go back and forth with him for the duration. Obviously it would take some financial means to afford all of this.
Interesting. Thanks for sharing that, Dana
Just this afternoon I ran into a former colleague at the grocery store. He’s in his 50s, and when I asked him how his Christmas was, he rolled his eyes and said he was in Pennsylvania (where his 80-something parents are) and in the first stages of moving them into assisted living. He and his brother are going back in two weeks to help them move. We live in California, and two trips to PA in the winter are no joke and not cheap.
I feel for your colleague. The move last month for MIL was hard, but we all got it done. So far she hasn’t tried to move out like she did the last time. Fingers crossed. Chris
Great post, and lots to think about, Jeff. We moved to be closer to our children and bought an empty nester house. We help them and they help us. It works for now, but I am sure as we get older, things will have to adjust.
What I didn’t plan for was our parents. We were always the family who lived away and didn’t really have close relationships with our parents, especially my in-laws. They were pretty hands off with us. That is one reason why what we are going through with MIL is so hard. We have travel expenses like Dana mentioned, and so far we have been able to cash flow them. MIL saved well, so she should have enough assets for her care. I am grateful for that. Chris
Excellent topic. Being near family was critical for us. We could save tens of thousands by moving to our vacation home, but being near family was the primary consideration.
We have LTC insurance and if necessary interest and dividend income could cover the cost of in home care along with the LTC.
Other than that no dedicated planning.
I’m single, with no children and no close family. I knew my eventual physical decline is likely, cognitive decline is possible, and my future healthcare would be entirely up to me. Instead of budgeting for itemized future expenses, I just saved and invested in index funds as much as I possibly could of my teacher’s salary. I bought extensive LTC insurance at age 50. I moved to my CCRC as soon as I retired at age 70.
I feel tremendous sympathy for folks who are burdened with difficulties when aging family members are in denial. I saw the toll it took on one of my colleagues, who had to travel from MA to CA and back every two weekends for months.
There are great questions. I never thought about quantifying these eventualities, but now that you lay it out this way, it’s kind of a no-brainer.
Here are my incomplete answers to your bullet points:
I completely agree that, depending where you are in the stages of life, you should carefully think through the financial implications of these questions, for now and for the future.
Great post, Jeff!