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PEOPLE WHO KNOW ME say I’m sentimental, and they’re right. I like visiting places like my elementary school, the house where I grew up and my first home away from home. They bring back fond memories.
As I’ve grown older, I’ve become more nostalgic, and it isn’t just me. I heard that the ashes of my childhood friend Brian were spread over our grade school grounds. He must have had a touch of nostalgia, too.
I’m not yearning to turn back the clock. I’ve always thought my life has gotten better as I’ve got older. But nowadays, I don’t expect too much from life. If I can just wake up tomorrow feeling okay, that’s good enough for me.
Lately, I’ve been on a mission to keep my body moving, because life might pass you by if you don’t. I believe that’s one of the keys to staying fit and vibrant.
When we travel, we do most of the heavy-lifting ourselves. We walk, drive and ride a train, bus or boat to our destination, rather than relying on a tour company or a car service. I like to think it helps keep us in good shape mentally and physically. Another plus to our do-it-ourselves traveling is that it costs less and we can take more trips on our $45,000 annual budget.
Of course, you can move without having to travel. I like walking the neighborhood, working in our yard and occasionally going on a hike with my wife.
I learned a lot about growing old from taking care of my mother. When I was her caregiver, I worried that I’d die before her. I thought her life would be too difficult and painful without my help. She told me many times, “I don’t know what I’d do without you.”
Now, I’m beginning to realize how painful it would be for me if I outlived Rachel and how my life would be turned upside down. It’s much easier to land on your feet when you’re young. But at age 73, it would be extremely hard for me to adjust to life without her.
The reverse, of course, is also true. That’s why I’m following my neighbor Paul’s lead in trying to ensure Rachel’s life isn’t unnecessarily hard without me around. I usually pass Paul’s house on my daily walk. One day, I noticed he was tenting his house for termites. About a month later, he was replacing the roof and then the garage door. Later, painters were giving his house a fresh coat of paint. The walkway leading to his front door was redone. Even the number on his home shone nice and bright again.
Paul must have spent a small fortune fixing up the house. I thought it was a little odd of him, having all this work done in such a short period of time. Then I stopped seeing Paul on my walks.
I found out later Paul has cancer. He’s now in a hospice home. It then dawned on me that he was getting the necessary repairs to his house done, so his wife wouldn’t have to deal with them. He was trying to make life easier for her after he was gone.
A few weeks ago, I needed a plumber to unclog a kitchen drain. While he was here, I had him replace our 17-year-old water heater, even though it wasn’t acting up. I was following Paul’s lead.
Next on my list are replacing our home’s front windows, for which we’ll have to get approval from our two homeowners’ associations. A new patio and brick wall are also on the horizon. If we were younger, all this work would have been put off to a much later date. But like Paul, I too want to make sure that life will be easier for my wife.
Dennis Friedman retired from Boeing Satellite Systems after a 30-year career in manufacturing. Born in Ohio, Dennis is a California transplant with a bachelor’s degree in history and an MBA. A self-described “humble investor,” he likes reading historical novels and about personal finance. Follow Dennis on X @DMFrie and check out his earlier articles.
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Great article, Dennis. You’ve given me a lot to think about, that I hadn’t even considered before.
i’ve been doing the same, maintenance, for the last 5 yrs or so. tryin’ to not leave problems. i’ve been callin’ it “pickin’ up the pieces.”
Like you, I’ve replaced my water heater before it failed; likewise my central air conditioner. Preventive maintenance is one key to a hassle free life. A 50 year concrete tile roof and Hardie board siding (never needing paint) have allowed an easier aging-in-place existence since we had our house built 25 years ago. I, too, am a California transplant from the midwest via a circuitous route of NC, Panama, Taiwan, FL, and OH -courtesy of the USAF. I enjoy your posts.
Dennis, nice sentiment and actions on behalf of your wife. I was intrigued though by your opening thoughts about nostalgia and the town/area where you grew up. I’ve lived in the same town where I grew up from Junior high on for 55 years. Although much has changed many of the places are still around. I sometimes pick up my grandson from kindergarten at the same school my daughters went to. I have these almost out of body Deja vu thoughts about having “done this before” and it feels strange. The same thing happens as I drive around our area (adjacent towns) and past a school field where I played against that school when I was on my Jr. High soccer team and I remember it vividly. Does anyone else fondly reminisce like this if you’ve stayed in the same area where you grew up? Is this nostalgia or something else?
This story about you and Rachel makes me think a lot about my dear wife of 44 years and I and ultimately one of us going first and how the other will manage.🙏🏼
I have a slightly different version of this. We’ve lived in our college town since 1991 and raised our kids here; we’re now empty nesters on the verge of retirement. We also attended the university in this town from 1978-82, moved away for work and grad school, and came back in 1991. So the town, and the campus, are full of memories of our college-age selves, our young parent selves, our parents of teenager selves…sometimes I’ll go down a street I used to drive everyday, like by our kids’ elementary school or the street where their piano teacher lived, and realize how long it’s been since I drove that way—and am taken back to decades earlier.
Same deal with the campus. The building where my office is was where I visited my professors as an undergraduate, and I teach in some of the same buildings where I took classes. The vending machines in the basement of one of the buildings takes cards instead of cash now, but otherwise, it’s like time stopped. The buildings even smell the same. I walk by the grassy quad outside the student union and remember 19-year-old me having lunch with my boyfriend. And so forth. It’s odd living in the present and the past at the same time!
Dana, that’s exactly the feelings I’m talking about! You mention college memories. I am now taking a class at my Alma mater under the NJ Senior Citizens Learning Program. I can take up to 6 credits/ semester for no tuition on a non-matriculated basis. It is almost surreal walking around the same campus I graduated from 45 years ago and sitting in a classroom with students who are slightly older than my oldest granddaughter. I am enjoying the experience and my classmates and professor have welcomed me with open arms. I do my final project presentation on Wed 12/18 the last day of class, with my project partner who has been great to work with! Talk about Deja vu!
I have seen a older surviving spouse decide to move from his home six months after his wife died. He felt he could not get past his grief from losing his wife while living in their long owned home as there was too much of his memory’s of her embedded in their home.
I wonder if the death of a spouse in the later part of our life is a good time to trigger a change in housing for the survivor spouse. My guess is either my wife or I will likely make such a change when the first of us dies or our life circumstances mandate a residence change. Neither of us are currently willing to make a change in residence but there are some projects on our horizon to make our home more elder friendly.
If I thought my wife would want to stay in our home after I am gone I also would want to take necessary steps to make sure that life would be easier for my wife.
We’re going through this now with my husband’s stepfather, since my mother-in-law passed in August. He owns two places in their area—the two-story home he’s had since 1970 and where they spent decades happily together, and a 3-bedroom unit in a retirement community, where they lived during the last year of her life.
He’s awkwardly going back and forth between homes. He mostly lives in the retirement community unit, but he goes back to the other house every other day or so to check the mail, water the plants and yard, and so forth.
Financially, it would make more sense for him to move back into his old home and sell the unit, which he remodeled after purchasing it in 2022. He could likely at minimum break even and maybe even make a little money, but it wouldn’t be enough to trigger capital gains taxes. The older home, though, would cost him a fortune in taxes if he sells. But he says it’s too lonely and sad to think of living in that house by himself, and at his age, a single-story unit in a retirement community with some social interaction is probably better for him.
We’ve suggested he get a property manager and rent out the older home, and maybe he will do that. But at this point, just a few months out from being widowed, he says, “I’m burned out from making decisions. I just need a break.” And he’s probably right. Thankfully, he can afford to carry both homes while he’s thinking things over.
I suggest your husband’s stepfather consider the tax step up in basis on the older house that occurred when his wife died. Depending on if he lived in a community property state (or not) he likely is entitled to a full (or 1/2) increase in basis to fair market value at DOD.
He may was want to consult a qualified tax professional.
If your husband’s stepfather lived in and owned his 70’s home for 3 out of the last 5 years then he would qualify for up to $250,000 tax exemption on the profit from the sale.
If it would cost him a fortune in taxes, would he not also make a fortune? Presumably the tax rate isn’t 100%. Even with a property manager, becoming a landlord when older sounds like a really bad idea to me. If he moves back to the house he will very likely need to move yet again in the future if/when his health fails.
We definitely hopes he stays in the retirement community unit. It’s safer and healthier for him, with built-in support and social life. As for the other house, you’re right that he’d still make a ton of money even if he sold and paid capital gains taxes, but his “tax guy” advised him not to sell, so we’ll see what he does. He can be very prickly if he feels like anyone is getting up in his business.
He’s already a landlord because of a townhouse that my mother-in-law got in her divorce from her first husband. They’ve been renting that out for decades but have a property manager taking care of things. Financially, renting out his paid-off house rather than having it sit empty would net him quite a nice income—it’s a very pricey area for rentals.
“I wonder if the death of a spouse in the later part of our life is a good time to trigger a change in housing for the survivor spouse.”
After my spouse died suddenly, I read many places that one shouldn’t make huge decisions for a year. (I made a couple that turned out to be sub-optimal, but I tried to stay the course as much as possible and am glad for that.). Taking care of one’s home so that a spouse isn’t forced to exit immediately, or spend large sums without the other as a sounding board, this is helpful. (My husband unfortunately died early in a repair/remodel cycle. I decided to see it through and happy for the end product but writing those checks in the early weeks of widowhood was alarming.)
I know several persons who renovated and then moved. A few stayed. The maintenance Dennis doing, and that his neighbor Paul did, simplifies life as one grows older and also eases the burden on a surviving spouse. Good maintenance and timely improvements make it simpler to sell a property, though of course home renovations are notorious for costing more than any increase in value.
Nearly six years after my spouse died, my big house needs more maintenance than I now enjoy each year. It’s also filled with ghosts of Christmases past plus other holidays and family gatherings. Yet for an older couple or a widow, it’s an effort creating a new social network somewhere else, not a small consideration, so it’s good if a person has choices: their old place in good condition and a salable property, and a chance to go elsewhere, whether shortly after a big change or a while later.
It also makes it easier for one’s executors if a house is not additionally filled with decades of undone maintenance and unfashionable, unwanted possessions. Work done early is a good thing. So I’m still chipping away at maintenance and renovations and decluttering, to ease the burden on my kids someday.
A wonderful gift to your spouse, Dennis, and I hope you enjoy that hot water yourself for a long time yet.
Both of our mothers moved within a year of when our dad/stepdad passed. I think some of your thoughts were spot on, Bill. Chris
You’re wise to be making these improvements now, Dennis, with the added benefit that you will be able to enjoy them yourself. I hope to be in my home for another 15 years or so (you and I are the same age), but I keep detailed records of all the improvements and repairs so that whomever comes after me in the house or takes over should I need assistance like your mom did, will know what’s been done and how recently. When I purchased my home five years ago, I was grateful to the previous owners when I found they had left all the appliance manuals and even a few receipts from the kitchen and bath renovations they had done. Good luck with your projects!
Linda, thanks for the comments. We do keep all our receipts for the house. We also keep all the receipts for the maintenance on our cars. Many years ago, when my car was stolen, I gave the insurance company all the receipts showing how well I maintained the car. I think that was one of the reasons, I felt I got more than fair compensation for the vehicle.
Two homeowners’ associations?
There’s a master homeowner association that oversees the whole community, including the parks, lake, swimming pools and tennis courts. Then there are HOAs for all the condo and townhouse developments within the community.
Paul, who I wrote about, has only one HOA, the master association, because he owns a single family home. Whereas, we have two associations because we live in a townhome.
Yep, we’re in the exact same situation with two HOAs (master and condo). 💰💸
Wow, that is eye opening to a single family homeowner living in the sticks.
Probably a sub-association plus the primary association= associationS. Our 1960s PUD (planned unit development) has a few developments–condos, townhomes, & single family homes. Bylaws are ok to live by…and we have an active board, so all is good where I live.
Same question.