Signs of the Times
Michael Berard | Jul 18, 2024
GETTING OLD CAN, after a while, get really old. Here are 30 ways I’m reminded that I’m no longer a spring chicken.
- Life insurance salespeople burst into laughter when I inquire about a policy.
- My house is so warm I can cook without using the oven.
- As I walk past the neighborhood funeral parlor, the undertaker’s eyes light up.
- Decades ago, all my doctors were stern, serious men. Now, my primary care physician is a woman with a great sense of humor—who was born after I retired.
- When I was young, conversations were about girls, beer, baseball and cars. Now, it’s Social Security, Medicare, long-term care and which of our friends died recently.
- When I call 911, the dispatchers recognize my voice.
- I can’t remember the last time I got carded for the senior citizens’ discount.
- When I fire up my hearing aids, the entire East Coast blacks out.
- My 2004 Toyota Corolla has just 2,300 miles on it, but I’ve replaced the turn signal bulbs a dozen times.
- I’m on a first name basis with every employee, from the parking lot attendants to the doctors, at Boston’s major hospitals.
- I have the early bird specials memorized for dozens of restaurants.
- When I arise at 4 a.m., I feel guilty for oversleeping.
- I know how to dial a rotary phone, read a roadmap and write a check.
- When I sink my teeth into a nice steak, they stay there.
- My idea of an exciting evening is to put on mismatched socks, wear my cap at a jaunty angle and yell “bingo” when I don’t have it.
- None of my relatives has any idea which side of the family I belong to.
- I get tired taking a nap.
- As I try to join a conversation, everyone looks at me and nods sympathetically.
- After my physical, I ask my doctor, “Well, how do I stand?” She replies, “That’s what I’m wondering.”
- All of the bathrooms are equipped with grab bars.
- When I tell a joke, the crowd laughs well before the punchline.
- I’ve had so many X-rays, MRIs and PET scans that I’m officially radioactive.
- As I back the car down the driveway, the neighbors make the sign of the cross, and hustle their children and pets indoors.
- I no longer laugh at the commercial where the woman yells, “I’ve fallen and I can’t get up.”
- When I try to jog, I get ticketed for loitering.
- On my tax return, I have three doctors and five nurses listed as dependents.
- I like my steak cooked just one way: burnt.
- My CPAP machine draws enough air to change weather patterns.
- When I bend over backwards to help someone, I can’t straighten up again.
- I made a trip to Mount Ararat, and Methuselah called me “sir.”
Michael Berard, his wife, dog and two cats live in Swansea, Massachusetts. He retired after a career as a machine tool worker.
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Where is the one about the prostate?
i resemble that remark! Add to number 13, I know how to turn the TV on/off without using the remote.
All very funny. I’m 68, in 12 years I’ll be 80???? It’s getting a little harder very year to cut the grass and clear the snow, and that’s using a snow blower. At a family get together I’m always the last one to finish eating. I was wearing size 9 shoe out of high school, now 11 1/2.
At our ages, we all know we are on the back nine of life. We just don’t know what hole.
(That doesn’t mean you can’t hit an extra ball once in a while, give yourself a putt, or take a Mulligan. The walk is intended to be fun. And even if you do know pretty well how many holes you have left, you should still take the shots – just appreciate them more.)
I preface my inexhaustible supply of fascinating stories with: “Stop me if I already told you this one today . . .”
I put more sunscreen on top of my head than the rest of my body combined
Events that start after 7pm are considered extraordinarily late.
Weeding for 10 minutes wipes me out.
Did you get some of these from Bob Newhart? RIP
Thank you , everybody, for all of the kind words. I also finally gave up trying to turn around and look while I am backing the car, it is much easier to simply go very slowly, until I hit something .Also, I just got a text message from NASA, they will need to again borrow my glasses to get a close up view of a galaxy about 20 billion light-years away.
And I just set a personal record, 24 hours without calling 911!
Finally, thankfully, my annual health care expenditures just exceeded the GDP of Monaco. Oh well.
Wow, I didn’t notice it was so late! It is 9:20 a.m. here on the east coast, time to…….ZZZZZZZZZ/ snore, etc.
Here’s another: I’ve told the same stories so many times, even I’m tired of hearing them.
But I’m not tired of this one:
When I was about 12, the wheel bearing on my grandfather’s B Model John Deere tractor failed, and damaged the shaft underneath. I accompanied the farm hand to the local machine shop with the part, and stood near the machinist while he welded new material to the shaft, then watched him cut it to size on a lathe. He essentially re-manufactured the part. I gained a respect for machinists that’s stuck with me ever since. And that’s no joke!
And the older I get the less I have to worry about peer pressure.
Stop it Rickles you’re killin’ me!🤣
That’s a beauty, Michael. #17 caused me to laugh so loudly I woke myself up. And re #22, I tell people that I glow in the dark like a Super Ball.
Are these originals or are you a collector? If they’re yours, I will send you a royalty check for the ones I steal, which will be most of ’em. You’ve definitely got some Myron Cohen in you. And, of course, Rodney.
I would offer two more:
Most of my parts hurt, and whatever doesn’t hurt, doesn’t work.
Been there, done that, can’t remember what that was.
Great list Michael. All good, but especially #19.
Thank you for the laugh – this goes into my Humble Dollar bookmarks folder!
I take pride in #13 🙂
Hilarious. I went to a carpet store to buy carpet with 10 yr warranty. The salesman says “Sir, We will give you a life time warranty!”.
A bit of hyperbole, I hope, Michael, but thanks for the dose of my most important daily medicine: laughter 😂. That reminds me that I should probably check my box of pre-poured pills to see if I’ve taken the stuff that’s supposedly keeping me alive!
You are welcome, I am glad I brought a smile to you, I try to not take my aging too seriously, it is better than the alternative. I hope you have a great day. And, yes, hyperbole, etc., is in my DNA.
Henny Youngman is chuckling in his grave!
31. I know who Henny Youngman is.
Great stuff Michael. Number 2 resonated.
Beats the alternative!
Thanks, I needed the laugh because it’s all so true.