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Another year begins, and I’m already thinking about how it might end—or if not this one, the next. I’m not sure “lucky” is the right word, but I’m past the hardest of my own sandwich years. Both my parents are gone now. My mum was the last to go, two years ago, after five years of slow decline from vascular dementia—five difficult, traumatic years. Through the pain of her loss, I also felt grateful it was over.
My wife Suzie has been estranged from her mother for forty years, but she’s very close with her father. He lives alone in Spain, thousands of miles from his children in Ireland and England. He’s approaching eighty, and age is beginning to show its hand.
I worry about what’s ahead for my wife and her siblings. The distance makes everything harder. When I spent time with my father-in-law in late September, I noticed he was repeating himself more than before. After I got home, I raised it with his kids and suggested it might be time to think about him moving closer to family. I even suggested Suzie and I would be willing to build a granny annex on our property if that helped.
They weren’t particularly engaged with the idea. My father-in-law wasn’t receptive either when I mentioned it to him. Maybe I’m jumping the gun, worrying about problems that aren’t real yet. I’ve been through difficult years and my tripwire is maybe set too high.
I brought it up with Suzie again recently. Throughout, I could see she was upset and uncomfortable with the topic. “Mark, we’ve talked around the subject with him.” “There’s not much we can do at the moment.” “Dad laughed and said his body will be cremated in Spain—what more can we do?” After a bit of silence—hers frustrated, mine defeated—we moved on to lighter, more comfortable ground.
As we chatted, I thought about my father-in-law’s dark joke. Is he showing his hand? Or maybe he’s bluffing for more time in his Spanish home and lifestyle? I see storm clouds building while he still feels the Spanish sun soothing his aching joints. I can see the appeal over a cold Irish winter sky.
For the moment, I have to sit with the uncomfortable truth that things will trundle on. I’ve raised my concerns and can’t do much more. I used to dread the unexpected phone call announcing my mum’s next crisis. I was in the fortunate position of being a twenty-minute drive away. With my father-in-law, twenty minutes will be needed just to book a flight. The distance will make everything harder when the call finally comes.
We’re not completely helpless though. We’ve got the phone numbers of his Spanish friends and neighbours, and we’re lucky they get together regularly for coffee. We’ve started talking with my father-in-law about power of attorney and healthcare directives while he’s still sharp enough to consent—Spanish bureaucracy in a crisis won’t be forgiving.
So far he’s declined a medical alert system, the kind with fall detection, but at least we have a tool that might eventually be deployed. All small things that won’t eliminate the distance but might buy us earlier warning and a bit more time when things go wrong. It’s not a solution, just a slightly better version of waiting for the years to happen.
“Happy families are all alike; every unhappy family is unhappy in its own way.”
A central tension between an elderly and caring families is the balance between autonomy and safety: it is all over the map and it moves in time.
Here’s a map of the Safety – Autonomy grid.
Leo Tolstoy wasn’t theorizing when he wrote about unhappy families — he was reporting from the trenches. His marriage was a storm, his household a pressure cooker, and his choices left scars that outlived him. Sophia concurred.
Aging brings its own harsh truth: the fight between autonomy and safety is rarely noble. It’s messy, painful, and often driven by fear — fear of losing control, fear of becoming a burden, fear of admitting that the world has become harder to navigate.
So many elderly, like the author’s father‑in‑law, cling to independence long after it stops being real. And that clinging hurts everyone involved. The illusion of autonomy becomes a trap, not a triumph.
In the end, the only thing that eases the crossing — metaphorical or otherwise — is gratitude. Not pride, not stubbornness, not denial. Just the simple acknowledgment of care received and care given.
Sadly, so few homo morons are lucky to be given the gifts of kindness and wisdom of knowing when to hold on (independence) and when to let go, or the gift to always be grateful, including graciously and readily welcoming assistance when offered. Ignorance/unkindness/ungratefulness is the cause of so much suffering for so many forms of existence on this planet.
Your wife can thank her lucky stars that her unlucky father is not stricken with ALS or other dreadful illnesses and be a burden to all for many years (yet).
Who will break the cycle of ignorance/unkindness and ungratefulness?
I appreciate you sharing your perspective, though, if I’m honest, I’m not sure I fully understood your point or what you’re saying.
Thank you for your honesty. Hope this helps.
Sadly, so many people never develop the kindness or wisdom needed to recognize when independence serves them — and when letting go and accepting help is the healthier, more gracious choice. A lack of awareness, kindness, and gratitude creates so much unnecessary suffering for so many beings on this planet.
Your wife is fortunate that you both have financial stability, generosity of spirit, and the absence of a devastating illness in the family. Her father, too, is fortunate not to be facing something as cruel as ALS or another long, debilitating condition that could place immense hardship on everyone involved.
The real question is: who will choose to break the cycle of unawareness, unkindness, and ungratefulness so it doesn’t pass to the next generation? In the end, so much — if not all — of life comes down to luck.
Best of luck to you and yours.
My wife has been going through hell with her mother. She is 96 and left a very good assisted living facility to return to her own home. She is now so weak and refuses to leave her home.
I told my wife when I can’t take care of myself without her help, put me in a home. I don’t want her to go through with me what she is going through with her mother and what her father put everyone through before he died..
Harry, I am so sorry. We have lived that this year also. I agree with what you said in your second paragraph. Hang in there. Chris
I’ve told my husband the same thing. If you can’t care for me, put me somewhere safe and don’t feel guilty for one single second. That’s awful about your in-laws; we’ve gone through similar stress with mine, and my own mother, who’s 84, just blithely assumes we’ll all pay for her care if need be, having not really accumulated enough assets to take care of herself (through her own choices).
The part I don’t get, as a parent myself, is not caring about the burden you’re putting on your own children. I would never, ever want that for my kids.
Dana, I agree that I wouldn’t want to put the burden on our kids that Spouse’s mom has put us through. I plan to be proactive as much as possible. Chris
We plan on entering a CCRC probably in our later 70s. Although it will decrease my children’s inheritance, allowing them to live their lives not having to care for/worrying about their parents seems to me a greater gift.
🙏
Almost 80 and your wife’s family is only starting to discuss with your father-in-law about power of attorney and healthcare directives? And he lives in another country. As an attorney the danger signs are flashing but at the same time the here comes the $$$ tunes are also playing in my mind. This is why elder law attorneys have a steady income. The longer her family delays putting in the safeguards for aging the more likelihood everyone will be paying, both literally and emotionally.
Agree with what you said, Carol. We are living this with my spouse’s mom. It has gotten so bad that emergency guardianship has been filed. It is a mess. Chris
Fair point. They’re aware it should have started sooner. The challenge has been getting everyone, including him, engaged with the conversation when he’s still living independently and doesn’t see the urgency. But you’re right that delay only makes things worse. We’re pushing forward now while we still can.
Several people I know have managed the in-home care of aging parents from a great distance: US-India, US-The Philippines, etc. The two things that made it work were that the families, either the parents or the children, had the financial resources to pay for the care and the children were able to travel occasionally to monitor. Cost of in-home care in these countries is, of course, much lower. Closer to home, my uncle monitored his sister’s care from NC to PA and relied on a trusted caregiver who found and managed others to relieve her (care was 24/7), using my aunt’s financial resources, and with her agreement. Currently, my sister manages the care of our brother, NY-CA, by communicating with a saintly married couple, his friends of nearly 50 years, who have made my brother’s care their cause. My brother is a stubborn man, never married and no children who, after every hospitalization and subsequent rehab stay, insists on going home. He’s not safe to live alone and refuses in-home help. To be continued . . . (The couple is not in it for any money, having used quite a bit of their own to have his apartment cleaned, take him out to eat, etc. There are definitely some angels walking this earth and these folks are two of them).
When my mum was declining, one of her neighbours stepped up without being asked, and I’ll always be grateful for that. It showed me how much difference kind neighbors can make. You’re absolutely right—there are genuinely good-hearted people out there.
You are right and your wife, her siblings, and your father-in-law are wrong. They’re in denial, he’s being selfish, and there will be crises that will be difficult to navigate. I’ve been through this myself with my own in-laws, and to a lesser degree am still dealing with it—now that my MIL is gone, her widowed husband, age 83 with health issues and some cognitive decline, lives alone 400 miles away from us. The really frustrating thing is when other people make their (bad) choices, it predictably doesn’t work out, and you, as a responsible, caring person, have to pick up the pieces in a situation you saw coming from miles away.
Everyone in this situation has two choices: (1) look ahead and make a sensible plan that gives you maximum choices and places the least burden on those you care most about or (2) refuse to face the future and precipitate a crisis that will be distressing and probably really expensive. Having watched close family choose option (2) and experienced the stress and fallout of that, we’re very motivated toward option (1).
Thankfully, my husband and I are on the same page about this. You are in a tough spot in that it’s your wife’s father and she won’t engage about it. I’d keep looking for opportunities to have a calm conversation about it, and in the meantime, quietly start researching things like plans and permits for that ADU in your backyard or senior living residential options.
Can relate to this, Dana. Chris
I think the main stumbling block, or perhaps ‘blinkers’ is the more accurate term, is just how good his physical condition is. He played hockey well into his 60s, transitioned to racket sports, and still plays padel four times a week. Because he’s so fit, it’s easy to overlook that the forgetfulness and cognitive issues have become more apparent over the last 18 months.
When people only see him three or four times a year, it’s easy for them to let things slide; it’s the path of least resistance. However, I’m starting to look ahead. I have a friend who runs a construction business coming over next month to look at our unused detached garage. We’re going to explore remodeling it into a self-contained living unit—it can’t hurt to get a quote and start the conversation regarding building regulations.
Could be he is hoping to just drop dead. Might help to provide the statistics that show how sadly unlikely that is. Also, I don’t know what the legal situation is in Spain, but any discussion should include the need (or not) for the equivalent of a Do Not Resuscitate order and a Medical Order for Scope of Treatment. They would reduce the need for a Healthcare Power of Attorney.
Spouse’s mom is in great physical shape also, just like your FIL, Mark. I think your idea of the living unit is a great one. Chris
I agree with Dick, that your FIL still needs and appreciates his space. One of my favorite Jimmy Buffett quotes is, “I’d rather die while I’m living, than live while I’m dead”.
The hard part of that philosophy is that your FIL would be able to make a change on his own terms now, while his health is good. That may not be the case in the future.
It has been an interesting few years. When I was much younger, I was asked to seriously consider how I wanted my life to end. Without hesitation I replied that I wanted to be fully spent, and burn out.
I nearly made it, but it seems I won’t go out in a flash. Instead, I’ve become a medical miracle. It wasn’t supposed to be this way. When I fell gravely ill, I was diagnosed inoperable with at best a 15% chance of survival. I was not given the most effective chemotherapy because of my age and prognosis; the drug was in short supply and was being rationed. This adventure began three years ago.
Now, after $2 million in medical bills including numerous hospital stays, radiation, chemo and immunotherapies and a couple of nephrostomy tubes (2 x 9 exchanges to date) I’ve been diagnosed as “stable” and having lived this long I have been declared to be a “cancer survivor”. For the time being, that is.
Stable is relative and fragile. My most recent lab results, taken in the last 7 days indicate I have 27 trends “out of range”. However, I have four additional that are trending “improvement”. With these markers, they have a field day every time it is necessary for me to go to a hospital for anything other than “routine”. I recently told the doctors I won’t live in a hospital. Being admitted through emergency services is like falling into a well, from which I must climb out, against gravity.
My most recent hospital stay was completed Christmas Eve. One of two “routine” nephrostomy procedures on November 4 failed in December. So off to the emergency room on a Saturday morning. Severely dehydrated, and several days later a procedure was performed. There were complications. Infection is a constant challenge, too. I had to fight to get fluids and to get out.
I have an option for major surgery to improve this situation. However, my one partially functioning kidney would be at risk. It is unlikely I’ll ever be a candidate for a kidney transplant.
Looking forward, I’m researching portable dialysis machines. There are versions sufficiently portable for home and travel use. Alternately, I can simply refuse treatment. 2026 will be interesting.
Norm, you are going through a lot. I am so sorry, and appreciate you sharing a bit of your journey with us. I will add you to my prayers. Chris
I’m with Dana – so sorry about what you’re going through, Norm, and the decisions you’re facing. Home dialysis is working for one person I know. Initially he needed an RN to hook him up and monitor him, but I think he now does it independently. He and his wife continue to travel some for family events, while knowing that the trip may have to be canceled at the last minute.
So sorry to hear all this and wish you the best in your difficult journey. 🙏
Every time I read something like this I think it is talking about me. Being 82 and Connie 86, I can image our children talking about us in a similar way.
Connie has an array of physical problems the most obvious is back problems that limit her mobility. What if she is in her own, how could she cope? Her eye accident with a baseball a few years ago now prevents her from driving, what if? And now dealing with cancer.
Your FIL wants independence and probably not to be a burden, but doesn’t realize the emotional burden on family he is actually causing now. Difficult as it may be, giving him his space as it were is an important consideration, it’s still his life and he wants to keep it as long as possible.
I would like to live on Cape Cod, a five plus hour drive away from any of our children, but that was never going to happen. I can understand how that, now at our ages, it would not be fair to them.
I never had to face these issues, my parents lived with my sister and both died in their sleep never even entering a hospital.
I see what has happened to many of the couples living in our 55+ community. Not a day goes by these days I don’t think about what if possibilities, but selfish as it may be, I don’t want our children telling me what to do. Perhaps your FIL feels the same way.
Thanks for your point of view, Dick, it gave me some things to think about. But I hope Mark’s post and the comments gave you some things to think about also. Still praying for you and Connie. Chris
Your thoughts help, thank you—especially while you’re navigating so much with Connie’s health. You’re right that it’s still his life, and he gets to choose how to live it. I suppose I’m just trying to brace for what I know might be coming, having been through it already. You’ve touched on what makes this hard, he doesn’t want to be a burden, but the distance creates its own kind of burden. Still, you’re right that it’s his call to make, although, I think a bit of prodding to start him thinking things through isn’t a bad idea. It’s a difficult needle to thread.
“Still, you’re right that it’s his call to make, although, I think a bit of prodding to start him thinking things through isn’t a bad idea.”
At least they should see if he would agree to have the legal paperwork completed, and drop the moving portion of the problem for now. Hopefully he would agree to let them take over his care and make decisions for him when medical professionals have deemed him incompetent.
But there’s a middle ground between ignoring reality and being controlled. You can proactively make contingency plans and communicate them to your loved ones. In your case, if something happens to you, who will help Connie manage her day-to-day life? Will that be your kids, assisted living, or paid in-home caregivers, and if it’s the latter two, do you have the means to pay for that? If you’re the one left alone, what’s the plan/your preference if your physical or mental health starts to slip?
You’ve already done several things right by moving to a 55+ community and staying near your kids, not to mention having enough money to care for yourself and Connie, which is really the big one. But you could take the next steps (if you haven’t already) to prepare for the next stage(s).
Mark, I could have written your post. The past few years with MIL have been very similar to what you are going through with your FIL. It is definitely not easy. And, as the in law, we can only say so much. It is frustrating. Hang in there. You are not alone. Chris
Chris, I’ve read your comments about your MIL over time, and they always resonate with me, they bring back memories of my own journey with my mum. The sandwich years are such a difficult road to navigate. I hope you’re finding moments of peace amid it all.
“That’s really it, isn’t it? We never know what’s coming — all we know, from experience, is that when it comes, we’ll figure something out. It’s with varying degrees of success, but that’s also okay. The figuring out is part of why life is so rewarding.” Carolyn Hax
Except that refusing to face the future often means that other people have to figure it out for you, and I can attest from personal experience that it’s frustrating and stressful and not the least bit rewarding. I love Carolyn Hax and read her every day, but she missed the mark in this quote.
Amen, Dana. Chris