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THERE USED TO BE a TV show called Lifestyles of the Rich and Famous. I assume it was created to make viewers envy rich people and want what they had. The memorable catchphrase of the host, repeated at the end of every episode, was “champagne wishes and caviar dreams.”
Envy is one of the seven deadly sins—for good reason. All it does is cause heartache and pain. When I was younger, I’d fall into the trap of seeing what others had and believing that, if only I had that thing or that way of living, I’d be happy. This went on for years.
Don’t get me wrong: My upbringing wasn’t bad. We lived in a single-family home and we regularly took vacations. But while I didn’t live a life of pain and misery, I also wasn’t happy. Seeing what others had—a girlfriend, a group of buddies, family gatherings where everyone was laughing—made me want these things for myself.
My wife, by contrast, had this sort of life growing up. She had boyfriends. She had a close-knit group of friends. There were family gatherings where everyone laughed and enjoyed themselves.
As I grew older, I pursued these things, feeling they were missing from my life. The quest gave me direction and motivation, and—in some cases—securing these things did indeed bring me happiness.
Still, when I was planning my retirement, I didn’t look to what others were doing, as I did when I was younger. Instead, my goal was a life that was simpler and less showy. I decided to pursue not happiness, but contentment.
To that end, I took an inventory of the things and activities that I hated and those that I felt good about. After completing my list, I categorized the good things, and I discovered they fell into three groups: exploring, learning and achieving. All three give me a good feeling.
These three pursuits might sound grandiose. Exploring could mean visiting Nepal. Learning might consist of getting a PhD. Achieving might mean writing the great American novel.
My three look nothing like these. For me, driving down a local street I’ve never seen before counts as exploring. Learning can be finding out how Henry Heinz started the ketchup company that bears his name. Accomplishing can be a home improvement project, like successfully installing a low-voltage LED light.
My advice is to find out what floats your boat. Make sure it’s what you want, not what society expects. Want contentment? Look inside yourself, and try to find a quiet place that you can go to in your mind and which makes you smile.
I like lots of stuff, why would I limit myself?
Vacation and travel? I have done this since an early age with my parents. Then I got married 40 years ago and my wife loved it too. We started traveling from our honeymoon and continued with the kids and never stopped. We have been on two-month trips to the Far East and another 2 months to the US before we immigrated to the US. We traveled to 49 states (AK will be later) and several several times. We have been to many European countries, next month is 3.5 weeks to New Zealand, and next is Australia. There are plenty of things to see and experience.
Extreme example: I could not find anything really interesting for us in Iowa, but a tour of a John Deer factory(https://www.deere.com/en/connect-with-john-deere/visit-john-deere/tractor-and-engine-museum/) was amazingly interesting and FREE.
I plan all the trips, the hikes(yes hikes), and the sightseeing. Planning is 50% of the joy I have learning about other people and cultures. Google is amazing for finding ways to drive but also for cities walking and using public transportation. These are not lavish trips. I always drive (Europe, USA, never in the Far East). We stay in 3 star hotels but mostly in B&B with the help of boooking.com.
For finding cheap tickets I use mainly Skyscanner, we always use the cheapest tickets (examples from ATL: we did 2 weeks in Ireland, and each ticket was $600. NZ from ATL to Auckland is $1119.
In every major city or special site, there are FREE walking tours by licensed guides where you pay at the end, and are a lot cheaper than the old official tours. Technology is at your fingers
So, maybe it’s not your interest, or you don’t have the money, or maybe too old, but we still love it.
I was asked many times what would happen if we got lost. We love getting lost, we love talking with the locals, and why we don’t go with organized tours. You are immersed in the country and the people you meet, sometimes it’s difficult to communicate, it’s actually better, it’s an experience you will remember for life. Most people are just great and want to help, especially touring. BTW, the Irish were the nicest people we ever met. One day, hope in our 80s we will get old and can’t travel, but as long as we are healthy we will.
We play bridge 4-5 times per week, I hike once, visit the gym 3 times per week, and walk the dog almost every day. We see our kids one or more each week. Sports and activities have always been a huge part of our lives. It’s a scientific fact that sports improve everything. Do a sport that you like and you will keep it up. Join a club, join a hiking group or volunteer.
The sky is the limit, keep in touch with humans instead of staying at home and looking for excuses.
BTW, our and my parents’ jobs never involved traveling. We only travel for pleasure and we always hated work travel which rarely happened.
On the other hand, I don’t like going to pro sports events. Too crowded noisy, and too much time spent traveling and waiting. I’m OK watching FOR FREE at home on our 75″ TV with surround sound, sitting in my favorite chair, listening to a good commentary, and doing whatever I want. We start recording all live events for a couple of years and start watching in the middle while avoiding all the annoying ads (except the Super Bowl). Did you know that a pro football game is only 15-20 minutes long for the actual ball movement? https://www.profootballnetwork.com/how-long-is-a-football-game-breaking-down-the-time-between-the-first-and-last-whistle/#:~:text=How%20Much%20Live%20Action%20Is,over%20100%20plays%20in%20total.
Happiness isn’t about money, we didn’t have much growing up, but my system made it happen. We still live a modest above average life. Why would we spend a lot more and gain very little?
Sure, money takes care of the worries.
I agree. If you look online, you see retirees traveling the world, going on cruises, and doing all kinds of stuff. It is made to look like so much fun.None of it appeals to me and my wife. We did our traveling when younger and some times these trips were sales award trips. To us it seems like a hassle now, packing clothes, planning with schedules. Airline delays and crazy behavior during flights, viruses on cruises, no thank you. We are content with staying close to home, spending time with family, and doing many of the same things you do on vacation. Eat out, shop and whatever you want, but then enjoy the comforts of home. Want to explore other countries, go online or watch tv. Get to see them without the crowds
Considering that Merriam-Webster includes happy as a synonym for contented I think it might be more appropriate for you to say that you revaluated what makes you happy.
We’ve been in California for a few weeks tending to some pretty devastating family issues, and now getting sobering news about my own health. Heading back home to Georgia if the weather gods cooperate I want to do some exploring and take Hwy 50, ” America’s lonliest road” thru Nevada back home. I last did this some 40 years ago on my motorcycle. Time to re live a little of my youth, (and see if I remember any of it😉).
This is perfect, David. Faith, family and friends. I just got off the phone with a dear friend and neighbor, a widow of only three weeks. We planned some exploring of exactly the kind you mention: just turn here and see where this road takes us (both in fact and as a metaphor for her new road without her lifelong partner).
Contentment is the key word you’ve written here, David. It’s what we all should hope to have at this late stage in our lives, but too often it escapes us in a search for “happiness”. Looking inside and seeking simplicity are what my Buddhist wife constantly preaches. (She’s chanting as I write this.)
To your list of exploring, learning (you can do this all day on the Internet!) and achieving, I would add helping others. Again, it doesn’t have to be a big deal like delivering medical supplies to the Sudan or building houses for Habitat. I have a smile on my face at the end of my weekly Meals on Wheels route. Just a little something.
David, great job making adjustments and seeing the joy in them!
Thanks, David. I love your trilogy: exploring, learning, achieving. It seems applicable at any point in one’s life.
For me, in retirement, I like how the trilogy applies: exploring the natural world, learning to do new things (hobbies), and achieving through meaningful volunteering and mentoring. The trilogy can be circular, too. Broadly, exploring almost always leads to learning, learning to achieving, and achieving back to exploring (and often, to greater humility about how much more remains to learn, do, and help).
Not that I actually planned anything, but my fourteen years retired are similar – sort of.
Our exploring was much of Europe and driving was around the USA. Travel was a big part of learning, but I have found that YouTube has so many documentaries on just abut any subject you are interested in.
My other accomplishment was totally avoiding a DIY home improvement project. Trying that would definitely sink my boat.
Right on David. Plenty of things close to home to keep me happy as well.
Dave, to learn more about H.J. Heinz and America’s most successful business entrepreneurs you can find a wealth of information from the TV series America’s Castles, which ran from 1994 to 1999.
The show highlighted the beautiful château and mansions built by their owners, who were titans of industry, but also gave in-depth information about how these magnates became successful. A more serious and fascinating endeavor than Lifestyles of the Rich and Famous, which was mostly glitz and primarily entertainment.
Americas Castles can be Viewed on Prime Video or you can purchase the set on Amazon.
Some episodes can be viewed on YouTube.
Did you do anything regarding your list of hated things?
Yes! Enquiring minds want to know!