PUBLIC SPEAKING WAS my nemesis throughout my academic career. Though I found it frightening, I’d always been able to tough my way through the lectures and avoid a full-blown anxiety attack. Then, during a theories of psychotherapy seminar for psychiatry residents, the panic broke through.
Though only my first diagnosable episode, it portended an affliction far more sinister. It was a premorbid symptom of an underlying depression that would topple my career, derail my investment ambitions, and plunge me into an early and unplanned retirement.
As 1984 unfolded, I was at the top of my game. I had just married Alberta, the woman I still love. I was granted tenure as a psychologist at a leading medical school at age 39. As director of psychiatric research, I had published more than 100 scientific articles and served as an associate editor of a prestigious psychology journal. An abundant personal and professional future seemed assured.
But I was too young and immature to imagine how a cacophony of unlikely events could unravel a person’s life. In the spring, Alberta’s mother committed suicide. Then, in September, my sister was murdered by a serial killer, her decomposed body discovered in a dumpster. Years later, as a patient, I would make the connection between my sister’s suffocation and my gasp for air while teaching.
My world became even more menacing a few months later. After learning of deadly assaults on a third-year-medical student and a pulmonologist in hospital bathrooms, I became afraid to enter public restrooms. By then, I realized that something ominous and powerful had taken hold. The depression exposed by that first seminar anxiety attack lasted for two decades, the heart of my adult life. I never returned to work. I crumpled as if shot from behind.
Recovery was agonizingly slow. I was hospitalized with suicidal thoughts. Alberta was told my symptoms were resistant to treatment. Psychoanalytic therapy promoted my self-awareness, while cognitive therapy gave me tools to combat my negativity. But they were not cures. I was prescribed countless antidepressants and endured harrowing side effects until, miraculously, one hit.
Reentry into the fabric of everyday life went surprisingly well, except for my social reengagement. I felt shame about my long battle with depression and experienced the stigma surrounding mental illness that’s still pervasive, even among health professionals.
Far wiser and more empathetic, thanks to my own experience, I opened a psychology practice rather than return to research. Some years later, I realized a lifelong dream of becoming an independent investment advisor affiliated with a large discount broker. More important, I’ve been enjoying a meaningful retirement that includes contributing to HumbleDollar.
Here are six strategies that helped me stagger through the darkness and emerge a healthier person. Perhaps they offer a roadmap for you or for a loved one blindsided by mental illness or other health catastrophe. But first and foremost, get professional help in the form of psychotherapy or medication, and preferably both.
1. Accept reality. Unfairly or not, you’ve been targeted. As my son Ryan likes to say, “It is what it is.” You will have a career, friends and retirement, though it may not be how you envisioned it. Some bitterness and denial are understandable, but you need to get beyond them to restore good mental health.
2. Have a purpose. Everyone needs to find meaning, all the more so if you wake up with the world looking bleak. It doesn’t have to be something heavy like deepening your spirituality. It could be volunteering for a charity or supporting a political candidate. For me, it meant preparing Alberta to manage our investments in the event I did not regain full functioning. I tried my best under the circumstances to do the financial coaching and make the necessary arrangements.
3. Mine your favorite activities. By now, hobbies have likely become your loyal allies, and you can turn to them for sustenance and replenishment. Like to read, go to the theater, exercise at the gym, putter in the garden? Do it.
Once a sideline, the stock market became the lifeboat that transported me across all those failed treatments and dwindling hopes. With hours to spare, I became a voracious reader of investment classics like Benjamin Graham’s The Intelligent Investor and Peter Lynch’s One Up on Wall Street. Saturday mornings were a special treat. I would bound out of bed and ride my bike to Tower Books to pick up the new edition of Barron’s. I often walked to the library to devour the latest update to the daunting Value Line Mutual Fund Survey like it was a John Grisham thriller. I had my analyst, I had my Prozac—and I had stock therapy.
4. Fight off the doldrums. Emphasize more complex activities that get your mind off all that pessimism. Routine tasks like household chores are useful in keeping busy, but they’re so automatic that they aren’t as effective in replacing the disturbing thoughts. Like to walk but can’t shake the blues? Don’t forget your headset. In my case, there’s nothing like classic rock and roll while I’m rummaging through the mail.
5. Dump the downers. You’re a skilled handyman and notice a tile has fallen from the roof, a sure sign of trouble brewing. You’ve repaired the roof before but dread the thought of another go-round. Ditch the problem for now. The fact is, you’re compromised and the roof probably has three more years of wear on it anyway.
I felt I needed rental properties to diversify from the stock market, but I loathed the responsibilities and nuisances. In my condition, I couldn’t muster the energy or will to perform critical tasks like renting a vacant unit and, besides, I was hapless as a do-it-yourself handyman. Overcoming longstanding anxieties about delegating authority and piling on additional expenses, I hired a property manager. It was a home run and a lesson in trust. Debbi has been a godsend for almost 40 years.
6. Seek out emotional support. In this respect, I was blessed. I have a devoted family that accepted I had a severe depression, as well as several close friends who witnessed my fall. This last strategy is crucial. Whether family member or friend, find at least one intimate relationship with someone you can be totally yourself with, a person you can count on to “be there” for you. If you feel the need to be “on” or would be afraid to go down into your emotional abyss with the person, he or she isn’t the right one.
That’s the gist of how I groped from personal tragedy to renewal. It’s hardly a precise formula, but perhaps it’s a rough roadmap for people struck by a random catastrophe in financial matters, health or otherwise. I’m thankful for another go at life, but under no illusion that a single bout guarantees a future free pass. I stand vigilant yet humble, ever aware of how fleeting the good times can be.
Steve Abramowitz is a psychologist in Sacramento, California. Earlier in his career, Steve was a university professor, including serving as research director for the psychiatry department at the University of California, Davis. He also ran his own investment advisory firm. Check out Steve’s earlier articles.
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Admiration is not a strong enough word for how you have overcome so much adversity. It gives me hope for some of those in my life.
So heartened by your comment. It’s the reason we personal finance contributors write. Don’t give up hope. I was counted out more than once.
Steve, thanks for an amazing article. Thanks for raising awareness of the challenges mental health issues present to so many of our friends and family.
In my limited dealings with family or friends with mental health issues, I struggle with not being able to “fix the problem”. When someone exhibits what I perceive to be irrational behavior, I feel like I should be able to logically explain why that behavior is irrational, and the person should gladly accept my sage wisdom. When they don’t I have, in the past, felt that I was not being trusted or respected. It took a while to realize it was not at all about me, and it was actually unkind of me not to recognize that their brain worked differently from mine, and I need to respect that. I’m trying to be very aware of how I perceive and treat others who think and behave differently from me.
That is really well said, Rick.
Hi Rick
i can tell you ARE already aware, just not sure how to be helpful (see Andrew Forsythe’s earlier comment). It’s really different for different people. For a few, direct logic alone may work. Most people need to feel you understand what they’re going through from their own troubled point of view before they can trust. In a close friendship, that bond is already there. I think what you’re referring to is that we all have different boundaries for what’s ok behavior and what’s not and it’s hard to know how to treat someone who is struggling right on the edge. It takes a sense of well-being in yourself to accept that someone can think and behave a little differently, but that you’re both ok—all of us a little imperfect but all human.
I watch too many crime shows on TV and always ask myself how I would handle that situation. Then I read your article and I asked myself how I would handle what you went through. Based on what I know about myself, not nearly as well as you have. Yours is an amazing comeback from a dark area.
You’ve turned Humble Dollar from a discussion area into a community. It’s great to see the support that so many have given. Wow. Just wow.
Yes, the outpouring of support from readers has been overwhelming. After reading the first few comments, I had to go out and do some errands. I felt so moved and unsteady I decided to stay on the side streets and avoid the highway. I don’t think I’m the one who’s shaped Humble Dollar into such a supportive financial community, if you get what I mean! By the way, if your level of self-awareness is what it seems to be, you can handle all of those situations you mentioned.
Steve, I am in awe of your bravery in sharing this deeply personal story. It’s apparent from the comments that it has already helped many people.
Not long ago I read an excellent piece by David Brooks about being a friend to someone struggling with profound depression: Opinion | How Do You Serve a Friend in Despair? – The New York Times (nytimes.com)
Thanks Andrew – I was also going to send the link to David Brooks article. It is excellent.
Hi Andrew
Thanks for writing in again. I am going to check it out—for myself as well as the people I see in therapy. I know from my wife’s struggle how exhausting caregiving is and how much devotion it requires. Good friends are like good therapists and in many instances have a long history with you and actually know you better.! Take care, Steve
Thanks for sharing, and congratulations on sticking with it until you found a medication that worked. I went into therapy when I left my first husband and again a few years later after a couple of panic attacks, but I was fortunate that it was all talk and no meds. I deeply sympathize about the public speaking – I hate it.
You seems like you may have conquered the panic attacks. I keep a “catalogue” of situations likely to evoke one and have been reasonably successful at knowing the warning signs (and avoiding public speaking!). It is soothing to hear from someone who knows what it’s like and has done what she needed to do to (hopefully) keep it at bay.
Thanks. Of course, one should never say never, but it has been many years. I think the attacks were the product of particular situation and I am in a much better place these days. It sounds like you have developed a number of different tools for coping.
Steve, what an amazing and brave piece of writing. It moved me to tears.
Battles with depression and anxiety run in my family and are part of my own experience. But my biggest battle right now is for the health and welfare of my young adult daughter, who clearly needs various types of professional help but is resisting it. #6 on your list reminds me that she needs me and her dad to be in her corner, always, no matter how frustrating and fear-inducing it sometimes is. The challenge, of course, is how best to provide that unconditional support in the wisest manner.
It was generous of you to share this with the rest of us, and I’m sure many of us can relate to at least some of it.
Thanks Dr. Lefty
I agree with what you said about “being there” for your daughter. One of the reasons she is resisting may well be that she is as frightened as you are—possibly why she doesn’t want to get into it. It will help a lot if you can continue to let her know you will support her through anything she might have to endure to treat it. Have you thought of getting some support of your own to guide you in caring for her? That might be helpful and healing for you.
That is actually a very insightful suggestion. I’ve been in therapy a couple of times in my adult life but hadn’t thought about it for this situation. But you’re right. It’s troubling me deeply and I’m not OK. My sleep is disturbed and I don’t feel great physically, and I think it’s mostly due to the stress of this situation. We’re abroad right now, but I’m going to follow up on this when we get home.
Thanks for sharing Steve. Coming from a family that is prone to self-destructive obsessive-compulsive tendencies, I can especially endorse strategy #4–find something that you enjoy doing, and get with the with the program. Your brain *will* find something to occupy itself with–the trick is to distract and occupy it with something that is creative, engaging, and useful, like writing! Stay well, my friend.
Sounds like you have found some of those
creative things to do. As you say, occupying is part of it, but the real key is to find those activities/hobbies/sharing that have purpose and hold meaning for you. Yes, writing has been one of those havens for me.
Thank you for posting this.
And thank you for being touched by it.
Many people wouldn’t be brave enough to post a story like this. It’s a testament to your healing process. My experience pales in comparison to yours. I saw a therapist for five years after my first wife had an affair and left. My therapist forced me to examine what happened and evaluate my path forward. I luckily had incredibly supportive close friends and family. It was a painful process, but I’m so very much better off. I’m glad you were also able to break through to the better side.
Hi Jeff
Only those who actually went through a divorce know the true pain. You have so much gratitude and self-awareness. I hope you find a relationship (if you want) that does justice to your self-insight.
Steve – I did. Our 10th anniversary is in a few months. Both of us have made commitments to one another that will stand the test of time.
Wow! I didn’t think I would get great mental health advice here, but thank you so much. I needed it big time today! Was well on my way to my dark place this a.m. and you give me a way out. Thank you.
Hi Lester
You’re not alone. We all have our dark places, especially upon waking up. I’m glad this post was helpful and hope you can carry the good vibes with you as you go about confronting the often trying lessons of life.
Wow. I’m humbled.
Hi B Carr
You need not be. Anyone who has learned to be humble in this world is in touch with his own limitations as well as his strengths. Humility can come only by accepting we are all human, including ourselves, and can appreciate what others have been through on their own journey.
Thank you for the article. I’m suffering now with a phobia disorder and getting help. It’s been extremely difficult since February.
You provided some good advice.
Hi Martymac
Glad you are getting help for this scary illness. Hope you are considering both therapy and medication and have the comfort of a kind caregiver and friends.
I’m sure it took incredible courage to put your story out, but I’m just as sure it will help others. I have been blessed with wonderful mental health, but can’t imagine dealing with the multiple tragedies you’ve encountered and coming away unscathed. May you continue to enjoy your recovery!
Hi Bob G
You seem to realize how fortunate you are to have retained your well-being despite life’s many lessons. Thank you for supporting my decision to “come out with it” on Humble Dollar.
Steve, I greatly appreciate this noble effort on your part. Being a support person for a loved one who struggles with chronic depression, I found your piece to be a thoughtful and succinct primer of “do’s and don’ts” on dealing with this pervasive health issue. Thank you for showing the courage to put yourself out there (I sense it could not have been easy), sharing both your struggles and some helpful takeaways that you gleaned along the way. It was clearly crafted to benefit those of us still fervently searching for a safe path while in the midst of the same battle.
A side-note to the caregiver / loved one of those suffering with depression: take to heart the directive given by the airline when you first board a plane: When turbulence inevitably occurs, be sure that your own oxygen mask is fastened correctly first, before trying to assist your dependent with theirs. If you manage to run yourself ragged attending exclusively to the family member’s pressing needs (e.g. – to the point of your own illness), all the crucial infrastructure need to keep the family going can come crumbling down in an instant.
Leveraging family support groups and having a hobby (or work endeavor) can permit you the chance to “get out of your own head” for a while. This is critical for maintaining your own mental well-being and creating some family balance. These two approaches are helpful for both the caregiver and the afflicted family member alike.
This is such an important comment. Supporting a loved one’s battle with mental health is exhausting, and you absolutely have to put on that oxygen mask first. Great analogy.
It can be mentally and financially exhausting as well. My son met the love of his life and future wife at a hospital clinic they both attended for the same illness about 10 years ago when he was 32. We know it as Wegener’s but it’s called something else now. They both had physical issues with the illness, but my son also suffered with his mental health. While she was in his life, he managed to keep his illness in remission and his mental health was pretty good. She died suddenly about 4 years ago from complications of her illness and he has never been the same. He gets some relief from therapy and treatment but nothing seems to work very long. His two half-hearted attempts at suicide lead us to believe he wants to get better, but he is overwhelmed and lost in a dark place and we feel helpless. He goes long periods of time that he cannot work, so we feel obligated to help him. It is hard on the entire family.
Hi Newsboy
Very grateful you spoke about the trials of the often overlooked caregiver. Several good books on the psychologically wounded, but how many have we seen about the beleaguered loved one? I often wonder how Alberta coped and frankly why she stayed.
She likely stayed (as most caregivers do) because her loved one is kind in heart and her / your cause is a noble one. Indeed, the long and uncertain road to recovering from a mental health challenge is best managed when it can be traveled alongside a partner who is mutually invested in the desired positive outcome. God bless your wife (and scores just like her) that remain dedicated and steadfast in this regard. Semper Fidelis!
Thanks so much for your post. It is a wonderful read. Your sage advice is spot on and really resonated with me.
Hi Chris
Thank you for taking the time to write in. You sound like, if it ever became necessary, you would make an enlightened caregiver.
What an extraordinary column; what an extraordinary life. Thanks for the brutal honesty. Congratulations on persevering and thriving despite so many twists and turns. I am truly moved and awash with admiration … as well as filled with sorrow that you and your loved ones had to endure such pain and tragedy.
Glad the article carried so much meaning for you. I am not sure I deserve all the admiration. After all I had the most reason to struggle through—I wanted my life back. It belongs to all the others—family, friends and understanding people like you—who had less to gain but so much to give.
And well-said, daschles. I was really taken aback as I read. His piece fits in so well with the Wholistic approach of this Humble Dollar blog.
So right about Humble Dollar and for Jonathan to have the broad-mindedness and guts to run the article. Frankly, as I read through these comments, I feel like I’m getting the kind of support a person gets in group therapy.
Steve, Thank you so very much for a column that might reach some folks in their darkest hour.
I’m so glad that you were able to come back and reintegrate with society.
Your columns are always interesting and engaging. Thank you for taking the time to be a writer here at Humble Dollar.
Hi (again) Nate
Thanks but I have to confess I’m not just writing for Humble Dollar. Through all the comments I’ve received on my articles I feel I’m becoming a more sensitive and aware person, broadening and deepening my experience of life as I navigate my retirement in my senior years.