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This post explores another aspect of Dr. Lefty’s exceptional article of July 10, 2025, “Estrangements and Estates”. Specifically that of Reconciliation. People are just beginning to talk about estrangement even though one out of four families —or 30% of American families have an estranged member, as cited in Dr. Lefty’s article. That’s a pretty big number.
When someone severs ties, it’s not about a day that went wrong, or even one event that happened. It’s an accumulation of things that pile up and fester, and some trivial misunderstanding that no one even remembers can trigger an estrangement.
There are many reasons for an estrangement. I think we can agree that toxic relationships might include drug abuse, violence, mental health issues, involvement in unlawful activities and so on. But there are other intolerable situations such as certain personality disorders that can drive a person to put an end to the relationship. Difficult childhood histories, abusive parenting—These get carried over into adulthood. Now, unfortunately, we also have polarizing political views. Business deals gone wrong or loans un-repaid are also archetypal. The list goes on.
If reconciliation is your goal, both parties may have to settle for a different relationship. You can go home again but it may well be a different home.. The other person may never live up to your values or your standards. The question you need to ask yourself is do I really want this person in my life. If the answer is yes, remember It takes two to reconcile.
There has to be enough love on both sides for the reconciliation to work. Love is fundamental to reconciliation. You may not forget but you can forgive. Love is a word that is bandied about. Too many people have a skewed idea of what love is—a misunderstanding of the different types of love and its deep meaning. True love has strength and resilience. It “bears all things”. But studies have shown that each of us has a different capacity for forgiveness.
There is a secrecy attached to estrangement. Because of the shame and taboo nature of the subject, people are ashamed to express their feelings. The emotional pain and confusion it brings make it very difficult to talk about. People view estrangement as isolating. They tend to think there is something wrong with your family. There is a stigma attached to it.
When people look back at what went wrong they have divergent views of the past. They can’t even agree on who said what or what actually occurred. If a reconciliation is to come about, It may be best to start with the present and work from there.
Reconciliation will never bring back the relationship to the same level it was, but it still may be good to be back in the relationship—and who doesn’t like to think it’s never too late. Family membership is forever. If reconciliation is on your mind, don’t wait another day. I write from experience. The first sentence of a short message can be “I love you.”.
After a nasty divorce, my ex and I didn’t speak for a very long time. Eventually I came to understand that our accomplishments, namely the raising of two amazing daughters, were far more important than any differences between us. In the last years of her life we became friends, something that meant very much to our daughters.
I think this subject can apply to friendships as well. Years ago my coworkers and I went on strike. Fearful of losing his job and at a very vulnerable time in his life, Bob decided to cross the picket line and return to work. After that we did not speak for many years. However, Bob and I had a good history in the 25 years we worked together. I was there when he was going through some hardships, and he was there for me when I was dealing with my divorce.
I realized that was a bridge I never should have burned. We patched things up. Last month I organized an 80th birthday party for Bob. He said it was the only birthday party he ever had.
Dan, you have what I would describe as a full hearted understanding of human nature. Blessed with this emotional state, you have been able to enrich your life and the lives of those around you. You are generous in your thoughts and actions. Thank you.
Marjorie, thank you for initiating this post—so many profound comments. I’d like to share a link to a 30-minute podcast featuring Brene Brown discussing sibling betrayal. https://youtu.be/iJx9ZFzTs5o
I hope it can be helpful to those on this thread. She addresses sibling betrayal, but some of the content may also be helpful for readers who have experienced other similar situations. May we all heal, and as the reader, S Sevcik states, may we all find joy, love, and freedom by having lovely, caring people in our lives.
Barbara, Thank you for your comments and for sharing the link.
When we talk about estrangement I believe we need to start talking about emotional intelligence. As humans we are not evolving fast enough in this area and I believe it is a significant reason behind estrangement. I also believe people have to create healthy boundaries for themselves around loved ones who do not take responsibility for their own very poor emotional intelligence. Gaslighting is a convenient and effective way to deny reality and irreparably impair relationships. But when you find your people who do not do this to you, you are amazed at the joy, love, and freedom that enters your life.
S Sevcik, thank you for sharing your thoughts. Appreciate your comments
What about when you want to pull away from a relationship but can’t bring yourself to make it happen? I have a friend I’ve known for 40+ years, but she has turned bitter and cynical about most things and I no longer enjoy her company. She has few close friends, if any, other than me, and she is very lonely. I have a lot of other interests that she doesn’t share, so I’ve cut back our engagements, but still feel obligated to see her regularly…
Karen, if shifting the conversation Doesn’t work,It can drain your energy. Encourage positive thoughts.
Same. Not that many years, but to the point it was not tolerable. Still, it was very hard to do. The way I looked at it, I had to save myself.
Marjorie, your absence has been conspicuous. I feared for your health, and am glad to know you are active again.
Reconciliation with some folks is easier than with others. Two relatively mature people might decide the reason for their falling out was trivial, and seek to restore a relationship that’s more important than winning an argument or an apology.
But sometimes the decision may be somewhat lopsided, with the more mature person taking the initiative to make contact and then overlook the other’s mistakes or personality flaws. Such a restored relationship, as you say, may not be the same as before. But it may be healthier, with some boundaries that keep things from getting out of control again. Again, the mature person will probably need to set and guard those boundaries.
The pay-off may be more for those outside the relationship, rather than the reconciled parties. Keeping peace in the family doesn’t necessarily lead to a satisfying relationship with everyone, but it can save others you love some grief.
Ed, thank you for your introspective comments. I know you are a physical therapist, but you would have made an excellent family therapist as well.
You are correct that certain personality types make it more difficult for reconciliation.For instance, Some people are bitter and tend to hold a grudge, unfortunately.
thank you for your kind concern for me. I’m so pleased that my return to Humble dollar has been so warmly received.
Marjorie, thank you for your wisdom and good advice which initiated so many relevant and interesting comments. Indeed, what good is money without relationships (as we think of Scrooge)? A therapist once explained to me that a total cut-off is actually a more emotionally intense relationship than a civil but distant one. It took me a while to accept her advice and re-establish a relationship with my brother who is a very damaged and difficult person, but now, when we speak, we usually end by saying “I love you.” And I know that it’s true on both ends. I also believe that attempting reconciliation with an abuser and/or mentally ill person can be dangerous. Just pray for them.
Linda, you bring up some interesting points. I have often wondered about those relations with whom we have a casual and distant relationship. Maybe more could be done to bring them closer.
i’m very glad you were able to reestablish a connection with your brother. And I applaud you for faithfully working on a solution.
Thank you for your comments.
Lovely post, thank you.
We are in a small country town, where you get to know of lot of the family dynamics and people can be surprisingly open and honest about their situation. It has amazed me how often a conversation includes something like “and then there’s our other brother, but no-one talks to him”.
The matter-of-fact nature of these statements always leave me a little stunned.
Greg, The situation you described is not uncommon. As stated in my post, There is a shroud of secrecy surrounding estrangement. I can’t even imagine why someone would make a statement like that. It serves no purpose. But it is sad.
Thank you for your comments and for reading.
Marjorie, as I hope you can tell from the comments, HD readers have missed you and are glad you’re back. Thank you for not only this post but also your consistent willingness to respond so thoughtfully to comments.
Thank you, IPF. I’m glad you are a peace with your decision. I’m sure a lot of deep thought and reasoning went into it and you did what was right for you.
Many thanks for your kind commens
I find estrangement difficult having not directly experienced it. The key to any reconciliation must be an ability to accept that the other party ‘s perspective is valid to them and move on from any urge to re-litigate the issues.
Families may be forever but people are also entitled to choose their own families and mutual support networks. Funnily enough friendships can also prove as enduring or as fragile as family relationships although in my experience there is also a certain amount of laxity you allow friends which doesn’t always exist on families. Missing a friend’s event because you have a clash may not be as big a deal as missing family for example.
I believe that people are entitled to live in a way which minimises their personal emotional pain but ideally not in a way which wilfully inflicts that pain on others.
Thank you for reading and commentingMr. Bobbins
Marjorie,
What an excellent, well written post. Thank you for your thoughts.
Please keep them coming!
Wonderful comments too.
your comments are very much Appreciated Winston. Thank you.
Marjorie, I too am struck by that 30% figure, and my family is in that segment, but I believe that in many cases estrangement is a good and healthy thing — not preferable, perhaps, but necessary for one’s own well-being.
My sister is a Ph.D in forensic and clinical psychology who works with families so damaged they wind up in sometimes-horrific court cases. I remember her telling me long ago how important it was to recognize, and escape, toxic people and relationships. It took me a few years after that to fully realize that my most toxic relationship was… her. I still vividly recall the rush of joy and relief I felt in my decision to sever that connection. It felt like a revelation.
That and a more recent but similar decision regarding my brother have turned out to be the healthiest thing I could have done for my life and my marriage and my peaceful existence. There is nothing to forgive — they are who they are — and there cannot be reconciliation unless there was conciliation in the first place, so I’m happy to leave things as they are. I trust there are many, many people in my position.
Thank you for your thoughts, Mike. Appreciate your comments
I also agree. I think this topic, by it’s very nature, is one where well meaning people may not understand how different someone else’s situation might be. Hence generic advice about reconciliation may be, while well meaning, not appropriate without a full understanding of the circumstances surrounding the estrangement.
in many cases estrangement is a good and healthy thing
Agreed. In my case, it enabled me to function successfully throughout my adult life after a traumatic event in childhood. The few instances of contact over the years were destabilizing; recovery required time and effort.
IPF, I’m sure, you made all the right decisions for yourself and I admire your willingness to spend time sorting it all out. thank you for your comments.
Thank you Marjorie for this exceptionally thoughtful–and kind–post. I hope you are doing well.
Kristine, I have been wanting to mention something to you for sometime, but it’s been difficult to find just the right words. I’m very sorry that some of your most personal posts have been met with extremely impertinent remarks. I am sureWhatever decisions you have made in your life Were well thought out and we’re best for you and any others who might be involved.
I think you have made a success of your life. And I hope you and your husband continue to live a happy retirement with many years to enjoy the care and company of your dogs as well.
Your kind words are very much appreciated, Kristine. Thank you.
Marjorie, this was an excellent post. I read it thinking about our parents, most of whom are still living. We are low contact with most of them, partly b/c we have lived away from them for over 40 years. It is hard now that they are all in late 80s and are always asking us when we are coming to visit. They did not do this as often when they were younger. I agree with what you said about how love “bears all things”. We try to live this with the parents who are difficult, but it is not easy. Chris
Geeze, it sounds to me that they would like (love) to see you.
I am 80 and MY parents have been gone for 26 (dad) and 16 (mom) years now, and I would LOVE to see them again. We (my wife and I) always had a loving relationship with our parents, though, and I’m sure reunions would be more difficult for people who don’t have good relationships.
My advice to you: go and see them before it’s too late.
Chris, as we get older, life has a way of closing in on us. We need social contact at all stages of our lives. You will never regret this time you spend with your parents. In their eighties, their time on earth is short. You are helping to make it more pleasant.
Thank you for kind words.
Great to have you back, Marjorie! I look forward to more posts from you in the coming days, weeks, and months.
Thanks Andrew. I hope to contribute more to the future too.
I’m glad to see you back on the board, too, Marjorie! Sorry to hear you’ve had a rough time medically.
Reconciliation is a two-way street, of course. From Dr. Coleman’s work, he notes that in the case of parent-child estrangement, it’s usually the parent who desperately wants to reconnect and the adult child who has made the move away from the parent/family. He advises clients (the parents) to listen with an open mind to the child’s grievances and to write an “amends letter.” This, of course, assumes that the child is even willing to engage in such a discussion. He says a lot of parents struggle with this advice because they may not feel they’ve done anything to make amends for and/or they say something like “My dad was way tougher on me, and I never walked away.”
Everyone has to decide what they’re willing to say or do to mend the relationship–to the degree it’s up to them.
There’s a verse in Paul’s letter to the Romans that I’ve thought of a number of times when it comes to family dynamics: “If it is possible, as far as it depends on you, live at peace with everyone.” (Romans 12:18, emphasis added). What I take from that is that each person needs to do what they can to “live at peace.” How the other person(s) respond to it is not within one’s control.
Thanks for the thoughtful post!
Thanks Dana. I agree that parent/child rifts are probably the most painful and hardest to understand. Sometimes blaming parents too much keeps an adult child stuck in the past. Appreciate your kind words.
Excellent article, Marjorie. This is such a common problem today. I cannot imagine how difficult it is for survivors of severe childhood abuse or neglect, and I can see why their relationship with their parents, having reached adulthood is strained or even non-existent.
I am familiar with other folks who have held a grudge for years with family members over relatively trivial reasons. I wonder if some have a need to blame others, as a means to absolve themselves.
As for those adults who were not victims of abuse or neglect, and who blame their parents for their problems today, I wonder about their sense of empathy. Putting myself in my parents’ shoes, and remembering myself when I was in my twenties, makes me conclude that they did their best. It also makes me think any complaints about them my sibs and I might offer today would make us appear immature and ungrateful.
Jack, your comments are well taken. I wonder if some children might make a list of all the wonderful, self sacrificing things parents have done for them, instead of dwelling on the mistakes that were made, it might serve them better.
And except for abuse and neglect, I do agree that most parents do the best they can.
I read an interesting article recently about how some Millennials and Gen Zers are leary about having their own children, and not for the obvious reason (money). Rather, it’s because they/their generation has been so brutally hard on their parents’ generation (calling them “toxic,” going “no contact” or “low contact,” and so forth), that they worry that parenthood is impossible and they’ll ruin their own kids just like they think their parents ruined them. It’s kind of vicious circle when you realize you might have to be judged by your own standards.
There has to be a happy medium between “respect and honor your parents no matter how awful they were/still are” and “my parents weren’t perfect/made mistakes, so they need to be out of my life forever.” How about a realization that we’re all still works in progress, we’re not born knowing how to parent well and there’s a learning curve, and that society keeps making its expectations higher and more complicated? How about, well, some grace?
Well said, Dana. Thank you.
It’s not just the younger set making such decisions. I’m a Boomer and made the decision very, very early in life to remain childless because I was convinced I’d be a father like my own dad. And that was the last thing I wanted.
My wife and I were reflecting just the other day, walking the dog, how well it has turned out that we never became parents.
Marjorie, I join with Jonathan and Dan in my delight at seeing a new piece from you, especially since you haven’t been commenting. I’ve been wondering how you’ve been doing. Fortunately, we all enjoy each other in my family.
Thank you, Ken. I always enjoyed your posts and found your thoughts uplifting.
Marjorie, I 2nd and 3rd Jonathan and Don’s comments. Thanks for a poignant post. I’m sure so many of us can relate to this, and use it to keep striving.
Thanks Rick. It’s obvious you enjoy your children and grandchildren and they must be so proud of you and all you’ve accomplished.
Marjorie, seeing a new post from you makes my day!
thank you Dan..Medical issues had me sidelined for awhile but comments like yours help spur me on. I am proud to be, as you once termed your fellow contributors—a virtual friend.
Great to have a new post from you, Marjorie. Over the past week, I’ve spoken to all three of my siblings. Despite our differences and geographical distance, we’ve remained surprisingly close. I’ve come to realize how rare that is, and how much it’s worthing fighting for.
I’m very close to my two siblings, as well; we’ve had to work at it, but it’s worth it!
thank you, Jonathan. I took note that in previous post you have mentioned the good relations you have with not only your siblings but your children too. A testament to the quality of your character. Unconditional caring.
….and unconditional love.
Both are possible if you just make up your mind to do them.