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My wife and I moved from PA to NJ about 3 years ago. After we moved I looked into whether we should update our estate documents since we changed states. It seemed like a smart thing to do, but it took us 3 years to get around to it.
We recently met with a local estate attorney and reviewed our wills and POAs. There was some specific Pennsylvania language having to do with setting up a trust for contingency heirs – our grandsons – if one of our sons pre-deceased us. That needs to be updated, but other than that they were in good shape.
As important as wills, trusts, and POAs are, there is a significant amount of specific information that they don’t contain, like funeral arrangement, list of assets, and people to contact. We are also taking the opportunity to update our Letters of Instructions. Our previous versions were very finance-centric. I searched and found some good templates and picked one I liked that had a diverse set of topics to address. We will fill them out over the next few weeks as our new legal documents are prepared. I did see a number of sites that seemed to have good information on how to generate the Letter, so I plan to spend some more time on it. One article looks intriguing.
Going through this brings up memories of helping my parents and in-laws as they aged, which helps us figure out what we want as we age. It’s an on-going process. Since we last did our wills in 2015, we’ve welcomed a daughter-in-law and 3 additional grandsons into the family, retired, sold two homes and bought two homes, and moved twice. Who knows what additional changes are in our future.
One thing I worry about as time goes on is cognitive decline. I’ve written a number of articles about the topic, and told the stories of a few friends who dealt with severe early onset dementia of their spouses. Beyond the obvious steps of doing whatever you can to be as healthy as possible, I wonder what other planning steps people have taken to address this “unthinkable” possibility.
I’m thinking of taking the blood tests discussed in https://youtu.be/XIVbokE3sX4?si=302W3wnSFgU5HvVS. Supposedly taking them every two years after a certain age will give a heads-up for dementia.
Rick – Where did you find the templates for the letter of instruction?
I have letters addressed to my wife, daughter, contingent executor and guardian for my daughter in case both my wife and I die early. Also to my mother in case I predecease her. I need to revisit all of these, as some of the details have changed since my daughter turned 18. The letters point toward where to find vital information on property, financial accounts and so on. This information is contained in files and in notebooks designed to help the reader access our wealth. This sounds more organized than it is–it’s a work in progress.
My letters also address topics like investment philosophy, reminders of family values and other personal stuff. I’ve also drafted a poem for my wife to read after I die. I wish I could be there to see her read it.
Regarding cognitive decline: My spouse used to say, “A place for everything and everything in its place.” He had a number of practical habits to keep everything in order. I have tried to continue with that practice. I figure if everything has its right place and I put each item away properly now, then “muscle memory” will help me later.
Sometimes I don’t seem to pay close enough attention, and I put things away in the wrong cupboard. (I know, many young people have this quirk too, but after 65 any little “glitch” catches my attention.) It’s annoying and I imagine as I get older I’ll have many more “glitches”. My strategy for that is to pare down to fewer things and fewer cupboards (in tandem with simplifying my financial accounts). Alternatively/additionally I could take off all my cupboard doors so I can just look and see where things are, and isn’t open shelving in style right now?
I’ve read that social activities help keep our minds fresh, for some people that includes working after retirement, either volunteering, or holding a part time job. I also admit to reading about whatever seemingly half-baked ideas to help are in current circulation and I try to do them, too. Like I read that walking faster is good for our brains and I do notice people slowing down as they age (or are they aging as they slow down?) So I try for a brisk walk rather than a stroll whenever I go out.
I also go for an annual “Wellness” checkup where among other items the physician’s assistant goes through a general cognitive check list. I imagine they’ll tell me if they see any decline that requires addressing and give me some ideas how to manage it. This is all in the “mild decline” range. A “serious decline” mentally is no different than a serious illness. It will change things fundamentally and possibly rapidly. For that, it’s important to keep the documents you mention relatively updated and in order so whoever is around to deal with the problem has the information they need. I have many of these papers in The Box, and the kids know where it is. That said, I still need to write The Letter and practice updating it annually. Maybe I’ll get that done between now and New Years.
As for things like funeral arrangements, I won’t be around to worry about them. The kids can do whatever they choose. If they want to pick out music, etc. between now and then, I’ll do that with them, but so far no one has asked to do this. I’ve told them they can do whatever seems right to them at the time, and what will make them feel better, from nothing to a big bash. (We ended up having two separate services for my husband, in two cities a month apart, and a family-only burial. I’m pretty sure he would have been pleased by the send off, and I also think the whole process was more to deal with the emotional burdens of friends and families and colleagues, especially me.That’s why I want the kids to take the lead on this.)
While I wait and watch out for trouble, I am trying to live my best day, each day.
My CCRC is planning a series of seminars on this topic, I will report back.
When it comes to dementia, my hope is that I can arrange a one way trip to Dignitas in Switzerland before things get too bad, as I have written here before.
I’m with you and have shared this desire with my 2 adult children. Both my parents died with dementia and I managed my dad’s care. I want to be better prepared (is that even possible??) than they were
I am sorry for you about your parents. Dementia is a devastating illness for the patient and the patients family. My wife passed away due to dementia two and a half years ago. I was able to care for her here at home by myself until the last five months and then we had in home help. We also had the love and support of our three children and their families and an extended family that included her mother. The last part of her illness took place during covid and by having her at home, family and friends could visit at any time. She was a small lady and she never became combative and those were factors that helped to make her care at home possible. In the last six months of her illness, and probably longer, she didn’t remember my name and didn’t know I was her husband, but she knew I was someone who loved and cared for her. After the caregivers helped her get ready for the day, she would come down the hallway to the kitchen and when she saw me she would shuffle towards me and say, “I love you so much, so much”. She passed away at home. I write this to give others another side about the care of a dementia patient. My children, my MIL and I believe that caring for her was a privilege and for me, the most important undertaking of my life. My wife and I had always been best friends but her illness and her care brought us closer. Looking back, I am so thankful she chose to let us care for her.
Thank you for posting about your wife’s dementia — very moving.
Jonathan, thank you for your comment. You are in my prayers. Bob
I’m so sorry about your parents. I have friends who have/had parents with Alzheimers, and it’s clearly devastating. It is so sad we would need to travel to Switzerland, but I see no prospect of the US laws changing any time soon.
Glenna, I’m sorry for you about your parents. We cared for my MIL and wife’s aunt with dementia. It is tough. I’m also looking for ways to be better prepared.
I’m also working on a letter to accompany our wills, so I appreciate the link you provided. But what to do about cognitive decline? In addition to POAs already on file, I try to have regular conversations with my kids so that they have a good understanding of our finances and where to find lists and passwords. Looking forward to other comments to your question.
I am on the third version of “the letter”. In fact, the current version is with one son to see if I have left anything out.
In addition to all the instructions I attach printouts and screen shots for investments, bank info, benefit sites, etc to make it easier for contacts and to see what I was referring to in the letter.
The letter should be reviewed each year and updated to reflect any changes. Mine always has changes that I need to make. Simple for me to make but could be problematic for our children and executor.
Thanks Dick. This is our 2nd version and I’m sure there will be others or additions as time moves on. I also include the detailed account info, contacts ….