I was reading an article focusing on the caregiving burden on adult children.
Shocking statistics: 63 million Americans — nearly 1 in 4 adults — now provide care to an adult with health or functional needs, or to a child with a serious medical condition or disability — a record high.
Nearly half of caregivers are struggling with finances. More than 20% have taken on more debt, about a third have used up short-term savings, 30% have stopped saving, and roughly 20% are leaving bills unpaid or paying them late, according to the data. Return-to-office requirements are not helping.
More than 60% of caregivers are balancing their caregiving responsibilities while still employed. And half report they reduced hours, have taken unpaid leave, or even quit their job entirely. See link below:
https://finance.yahoo.com/news/63-million-adults-are-moonlighting-as-caregivers-with-little-support-130037767.html
We can minimize the caregiving burden for our children by moving to CCRC or assisted living, providing for long term care, downsizing and relocating closer to them, preparing a robust estate plan, and saving enough to provide for all future expenses. Even if we do these, the stress and emotional toll on children or relatives will still be significant. Many of you have experienced this already.
What should we do to make sure our children do not have to sacrifice so much when we need help due to our deteriorating health? How are your family and friends managing to provide such help to their loved ones?
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There is no one size fits all solution and even with the best of planning our adult children will likely need to help us with at least their gift of time. But isn’t that part of being in a loving family? My mother is 91-happy, healthy, and financially independent. But I manage her finances, her home, doctors’ appointments, etc… She is my mother and no one has loved and cared for me more. She is not a burden. I consider it a gift to be able to give back to her.
1) Buy long term care insurance for enough years – my mom used it for 6.5 years (about 1/2 in assisted living and about 1/2 in nursing home care) and then had 3 weeks in hospice. Realize that being in one of those you will still need help (taken to doctor apts, getting after staff if the parent’s needs aren’t being met, buying clothes, shampoo, etc. that is needed, taking the person somewhere just to get out of the place and enjoy life, etc. etc.).
2) Buy enough life insurance that your kids can then restock their savings, retirement accounts, etc. if they ended up spending money they wouldn’t have otherwise spent (which would also include “lost income”). Don’t just give it out equal amounts to each kid – rather if one kid is doing most of the care they should get more as they gave up more – explain this in ADVANCE and in detail prior to your death and in your will. Make sure there is a clause in your will that if another kid took over and you weren’t together enough to change your will they get more than the kid who did little to nothing (which may well be due to distance rather than something else).
3) Be open with your kids with everything from finances to needs.
That’s a great suggestion about the life insurance, especially if you do it well in advance of needing care. That’s one of the biggest issues for children providing care for parents—lost income/savings because you’re helping the parent, and if you don’t have your own kids able and willing to do the same, you could be in poverty in your own old age.
Also absolutely right about there still needing to be someone nearby when a loved one is in residential care—yes, the basic safety and care needs are met, but there’s still the need for oversight and support. This is why people should consider moving near a family member as they age if they don’t live close already.
I lost my FIL (2006), MIL (2024), and her husband (2023). I’ve lost my husband (2024-too young-he went from go-go to no go in 4 weeks and he like his father where very, very good men) and my dad and step mother are in assisted living and entering their no-go phase. My mom and her husband are very independent for their ages but the time when they will need help no mater what they think or have planned (they are in the slow go years) is near. I also watched the passing of four beloved grandparents and how my parents, aunts, and uncles dealt with those final years and months and the aftermaths. My experience so far is that humans are awful at imagining or contemplating their own demise. And part of that is because none of us know how it will happen! We can be financially strong which is a huge gift to loved ones but the emotional toll on them of both dying and settling the affairs afterward isn’t something we talk honestly about (because: 1. it’s all a very very difficult load of psychology; and, 2. the health care industry, attorneys, cpas and financial advisors make a lot of money off this period of time). A lot of times our plans even do more emotional harm when we have the best intentions. That’s because they are our intentions but when you enter the no-go and/or have passed our intentions aren’t autonomous anymore. We are completely dependent on all these “others” and how they interact with each other. I’m coming to believe that working on family emotional intelligence, loving each other for our weaknesses, eliminating as much sibling rivalry as possible (it is horrific what even the best siblings do to each other) and placing significant faith in god are the only way?
Very insightful and your comments resonate with my experience, as well.
I was curious to find out what ChatGPT will recommend for me : CCRC now or Assisted living later when we need it. I am now in a 55+ community. I provided monthly charges and entrance fee for each of the two facilities under consideration. ChatGPT recommendation for my specific case was: Go to Assisted living when you need it and save the money. I think it will come out with different answer if your situation is different.
My ChatGPT response to that exact same question was:
“Plan to take a long walk on a short pier!” 🙂
Was ChatGPT’s recommendation only based on financial considerations?
Yes, financial mostly and the fact that I live in a 55+ community with good social network, have children and we will move to CCRC or Assisted living in a location close to them.
Our age, and health status were other inputs.
I am curious why someone would trust an imperfect piece of tech with such an important decision. I trust you will use some other resources as well.
Who said I trusted it? It is a piece of advice and had a logic based on pros and cons. I use many AI tools and I was curious to find out. As you said, this is an important decision and I am not taking it lightly.
We decided we would save more for retirement, live within our means, be debt free and purchased LTC insurance as a backup. We can fund our care without the need for insurance.
The insurance premiums are increasing at the rate of 5% per year and we’ll continue to pay the annual premiums.
Looking at our experiences with the elderly in the family, some who have spent their final years in assisted living and with care givers, we have a realistic perspective on the cost of such care.
Did those, who moved to assisted living, relocate to be closer to relatives or children? I understand from others that assisted living residents need someone to visit them periodically to ensure they are given some priority in services.
They will need driven to doctor apts, someone needs to buy clothes, shampoo, etc. Once in assisted living most of their friendship circle vanishes and while moving may be traumatic for other reasons, they are going to need to rebuild friendships – which are usually the other people in assisted living. The problem is if they are mentally together many of the people there are not and it can be really discouraging to them.
I’ve supported my parents for 6 years, beginning in AL, and now Dad in a nursing home (Mom passed 3 years ago). My parents refused to leave FL upon entering AL, even though closest family was 1000 miles away (both were adamant on this point). They lived in an upscale AL that provided transport to medical appts within 10 miles for no charge. Other appts we occasionally had to arrange for medical transport for a fee (not often). From the research I did on AL facilities, most did provide medical transport within a radius of the facility. In retrospect, I think if my parents had to do it over again, I think they would have moved closer to family. I think they thought they could maintain social connections with nearby friends that pretty much disappeared once they moved into AL. While challenging to support my parents from afar, I was able to support them for the most part from afar. Fortunately on-line resources make this much easier- I couldn’t imagine doing so 15 years ago, with fewer on-line support resources. Basically, I’m saying family support can be provided from afar with the right AL in place if the family member needs or wants to stay in their current community.
… need to rebuild friendships
Here’s where a CCRC provides another benefit: proximity for all. One’s friendships made while in independent living will still be easy to maintain if one moves to assisted living.
Exactly. My CCRC also has a “Good Neighbors” group whose members visit people in AL and Skilled Nursing. The CCRC provides transport to medical appointments, and outings to grocery stores and the library (although we also have our own). AL staff deal with medications.
My partner and I (ages 82 & 85) have been discussing moving into a CCRC about 500 miles from home, to be closer to our children for all the reasons stated and more. For now, we’re in fine shape financially, own our home free and clear, have low property taxes, and (assuming we don’t sell) could rent the house to help cover expenses later if needed. I am very concerned about many things: The effect the current administration will have on the stock market, the toll tariffs and greater unemployment may take, the private equity firms that are buying CCRCs and running them into the ground, not to mention where the employees who support those communities will come from in the future. There’s no denying that many of the low paid positions have been occupied by immigrants and they are being either driven or kept out of our country. Am I too pessimistic?
i think the number of CCRCs that are being “run into the ground “ by private equity firms is greatly exaggerated because this isn’t likely to be a profitable long term strategy. From what I have read, private equity firms such as the one that purchased Erickson 15 years ago are upgrading facilities so that they can attract more affluent residents.
The healthcare shortage is concerning for CCRCs but it may be even more problematic for those who need to rely on home health agencies to age in place.
All good points, Barbara. Chris
Looking at your second-to-last paragraph, I realize that my in-laws did quite a few of these things: They bought LTC insurance, they had plenty of other financial resources, their estate plan was in place, and they moved from their long-time home to an over-55 community and remodeled their unit to add space for a live-in caregiver. There was still a lot of stress and uncertainty as my MIL declined with Alzheimer’s, and she ended up moving into a residential memory care facility for the last few months before she died. Their LTC policy paid for most of her expenses the last six months of her life.
The one thing they didn’t do that could have made things easier: They could have moved closer to us. We live about 400 miles north, and my husband’s sister lives near us, as well. When my MIL’s cognitive decline became impossible to deny, we urged her husband to move them closer to us so that we could help him. He said he didn’t “want to be a burden,” but being that far away as things got worse was incredibly stressful. Now he’s alone, 83, has health problems of his own, and is slipping mentally, and he’s still 400 miles away from us with no family nearby.
Ironically, my husband’s grandfather went the opposite route. He was in his 90s and widowed, and he moved to an over-55 community 10 minutes from my in-laws’ home, where they could see him regularly and help out if there was a problem. He died in his sleep in his own home at age 102. Now, he didn’t really want to move there—it was 300 miles from where he’d lived for decades—but that’s what made sense, so he did it. I think my FIL processed those years as being “a burden” to them and that’s why he didn’t want to do the same, but honestly, I think Grandpa did the right thing. (He was, however, cognitively sharp until the end. He was just really old.)
Yes! At some point between 70 and 75, but before 80, I will move very near to one of the my children! Even if I have 25 good years left ;-)! I will also help any children that are at a distance to pay for flights, etc. to be close when they can. My actions now will hopefully reduce the emotional burden on them in the future. I also tell them that I want to hear their opinions and needs around everything related to my aging. My daughter was quick to ask, “What are you going to do with your investment real estate? When will you sell it if neither of us want to manage or own it?” I’ve incorporated this into my retirement plans.
Relocating closer to children needs to be done some time before health deteriorates. Your example clearly illustrates this. I have seen at least two cases like this in my community.
Dana, agree with what you said about the 400 mile trip and “being a burden”. We are going through this with our parents, especially Spouse’s mom who has Alzheimer’s. It is very difficult. At some point, she is going to have to move closer to one of the kids. Chris
This is why the people living in my CCRC say the move is the best gift they can give their kids. Apparently their kids appreciate it. Of course, it’s not a cheap solution, but neither is in-home care. Most people fund the entry fee with the proceeds from selling their house.
Everything I have read says that caregiving is one of the hardest jobs around, never mind the financial effects.
We will close on a place in a CCRC next month. As mentioned, proceeds from out house will fund most of the entrance fees. We have no immediate family, so the move seems our best route. We do have LTC, which will come in handy.
“What should we do to make sure our children do not have to sacrifice so much when we need help due to our deteriorating health?”
Final Exit?
Thanks for bringing this up. This is hard to think about and even communicate. In future, may be more will get comfortable with “death with dignity”.
This is an expensive conversation. Having enough goes a long way to solving the problem. LTC insurance is expensive. I think the statistic is that just 7% collect significant sums. We are part of the 7%, unfortunately and fortunately. Why both? It was just a fall at home that ended in a TBI. Because of TLCI, we have the help we need. Children are off the hook.
Being a blended family, it made sense to move to a CCRC (selling the house to pay the entrance fee). It takes the kids (all who may disagree) OUT OF THE EQUATION on how to handle step-mom and step-dad when they can no longer live independently with a home-care aide.
I hope our kids realize one day how lucky they were and plan like we did so our grandchildren can have the same worry-free freedom.
Been there, done that. I’m still paying for services that were delivered over 15 years ago.
Yes, a caregiver loses financially. However, the emotional need to support a loved one always wins out. It is a difficult choice.
I applaud your efforts to make things go more smoothly in coming years.
I read that article too. I retired earlier than planned after my husband died. He’d taken early retirement himself and was the primary caregiver for our three children when he died, a task that I took on afterwards. As a result, I also started collecting Social Security earlier than originally planned. My experience indicates that even a few years of caregiving can take a huge long lasting bite out of a family’s retirement savings. Good for you to consider your children’s long term well-being financially as well as emotionally.
I’ll be interested to hear from the rest of our community as many have experience with this. I’d say your willingness to take any or several of these actions at this earlier than emergency moment helps substantially.
For now I am, part of the year, farther away from my kids, I think they need the breathing room. But my “far away” place is only a day’s drive or a couple hours’ flight, and walking distance from my brother’s house. So the kids feel very comfortable about my being there for now. There’s a robust, self-organized social life in my over-55 community plus my brother and sister-in-law and I attend many events in our metro area.
If you move closer to your children, it will help with logistics, but do you have friends there, or a social network? It can be lonely and will be even lonelier if/when one of you becomes ill or passes away. I like to think my brother and sister-in-law appreciate me moving nearby for this reason, and we also can offer many small daily supports for one another. The whole of our little community is very neighborly, I can get ready recommendations for all sorts of helps useful at our age.
CCRCs seem to me expensive to buy into, and illiquid assets. (But there’s lots of good advice and real experience with these described on our website.) One thing I’ve learned living where many are part-year residents and many are RVers, personal needs and preferences change frequently at our age. So I’m happy to be somewhere that if next year there’s a big (pleasant or unpleasant) surprise, I haven’t tied up a huge portion of my life savings in this one place. I can pick up and go elsewhere. Or stay here for the duration. Like you, I’ve socked away what I hope is enough for whatever my inevitable decline will require. One less thing for the kids to worry about.
I’m not totally ready. Whenever I’m back at the big house, I’m doing home repairs or small renovations to make it easier to sell someday. I’m sorting and shredding or tossing old paper and also simplifying my financial accounts, also clearing out closets, the garage, basement, and shed. In addition to these admittedly difficult tasks, I spend time gardening or on other newish post-retirement hobbies. It seems to cheer up my kids as well as myself to not just focus so much on the gloomier elements of inevitable decline. Indeed, it’s true that with the right perspective, it’s downright liberating to put the past firmly in its place and look to the future and whatever bright and happy moments each day offers.
If your health is good and are living independently, living away from children will work out fine. When health deteriorates, moving closer makes sense. This is what I see in our 55+ community.