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The other day I listened to a discussion about undiagnosed adult autism on National Public Radio (NPR). Autism often went undiscovered in older generations, making life challenging for afflicted adults who knew there was something wrong, but no idea what it was or how to deal with it. There are millions living with this condition and likely someone in your life as well. There may have been one in mine.
A few years back my daughter told me that she thought it possible that her mom, my ex-wife Pam, may be autistic. My daughter’s expertise is in early childhood development, she has some knowledge of autism.
In a September forum post, Final Decision, I started a conversation about assisted suicide after Pam suffered a devastating stroke. I was touched by the deeply personal stories posted in response both for and against.
Pam died the following week, it was a sad ending to a tortured life. While it would be disingenuous of me to say I mourned her passing, I have spent many hours contemplating our life together. Although there were years of marital, family, and individual counseling no one ever suggested autism as a possibility, but some of Pam’s challenges have me thinking that my daughter may have been correct.
For Pam, mentally processing daily situations was difficult. Miss-interpreting actions by friends as slights. Extreme reactions or judgments to things that the kids or others had done. An inability to handle minor conflicts in a rational and calm manner. Problems with employers. Awkward social situations. Depression.
So if an adult is autistic, how does their partner deal with it? How did I deal with it? Did my reactive behavior exacerbate Pam’s mental state? For me, coming home from work often felt like stepping into a pressure cooker. My yard work often turned into beer drinking rendezvous with neighbors. I couldn’t wait to get back to work on Monday mornings. I took on second jobs. Hanging out with coworkers after the work day ended… anything to get out of the house. You get the picture. How might things have been different if I knew then what I know now?
Is there someone in your life, whose life could be made better with the proper understanding?
A person very important to me has gotten a delayed diagnosis of autism, once it became apparent that the behaviors could no longer be ignored. Since then, I’ve come to recognize and more fully accept the authenticity of the disorder. But that’s not to say that every antisocial behavior of an autistic person should be attributed to the diagnosis. Every person is motivated to some degree by selfish desires that may be the driver behind some behaviors.
But other traits are autistic. Even so, they shouldn’t be accepted as a finality. In my work as a physical therapist, my patients and I are confronted with various diseases and injuries that prevent the patient from living a “normal” life. But if their diagnosis was their life’s final chapter, we wouldn’t be together working on the rest of the book. I view autism in a similar fashion, for myself and others. Yes, that’s the reality. Now, what’s the next step to moving forward?
Here’s short video that may be helpful in understanding autism:
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=rihlhHR3tow
Ed, like so many topics, I don’t know what I don’t know about autism. I have listened to the video you provided 2 times now, (I’m a slow learner). It’s a great primer on both autism and ADHD.
Thanks.
My mom was like Pam but I don’t think she was autistic. I think she was old world.
…. And then there’s that.