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I’VE BEEN THINKING a lot about my mortality. I’m sure it has to do with Jonathan’s battle with cancer, along with losing some close friends over the past few years. Maybe that’s one reason I’ve been thinking about contacting some long-lost friends.
Roger was a college friend who I’ve considered getting in touch with. I believe I’ve found his current address, and I was going to reach out to him by sending him a Neil Young album with my phone number attached. We were both huge fans back then.
I was 23 when I last saw Roger. It was 1974, at the old Fox Theater in Venice, California. He called to tell me that Neil Young’s movie, Journey Through the Past, was playing there. It was a late-night triple feature, which included two Jimi Hendrix films. I still remember all those folks dressed up like Hendrix. Roger and I were dressed like Young, wearing our old flannel shirts and worn-out jeans.
But I decided it might not be such a good idea to contact Roger because, when I read some of my old high school friend’s comments on social media, they weren’t anything like what I thought they’d be. Maybe it’s best that I just keep the memory I have of Roger when we were young.
There’s one person from my past who hasn’t changed over the years: my old neighbor Jane, who I’ve known for about 35 years. I’ve always admired Jane. She has the kind of relationship I always thought I wanted.
Ever since I’ve known Jane, she and Bill have been a couple. During all those years, they never married. When they aren’t at each other’s place, they both have their own homes where they can spend time alone. I used to see Bill in the apartment building’s lobby, getting the Sunday morning newspaper in his robe and slippers. I would sometimes see him drop Jane off in front of the building, with her overnight bag.
When Rachel and I were an unmarried couple in our 60s, we both wanted something more than what Jane and Bill had. We tried living like them. But we both knew that not sharing a residence wasn’t going to work for us. We wanted to commit to an enduring relationship. We married, sold our homes and moved into the house I inherited.
Not too long ago, I was having lunch with a friend and he asked if I had a prenuptial agreement before I got married. I told him no. He then reached out to give me a fist bump. I didn’t really know what to make of it. Brian is a lawyer and I thought he would have advised me to get one. But he didn’t.
Now, when I think about our marriage, I believe Rachel has more to lose than I do. She also has significant assets, but—because of our age—she’s more at risk of losing her physical and emotional well-being if she becomes my caregiver. I’m 73 and she’s 67.
It’s why I have become more open-minded about living in a continuing care retirement community, or CCRC. I don’t want to burden Rachel with the responsibility of taking care of me. It’s also the main reason I work hard at taking care of my health. I don’t just owe it to myself. I also owe it to her.
Of course, we don’t know how our lives will play out. Which one of us will need long-term care and for how long? Maybe neither of us. But for now, we both decided to stay where we’re at. We’re still more than capable of taking care of ourselves.
There is, however, a CCRC that’s not too far from where we live. It’s a nonprofit, and within walking distance to a major university and large park. It has independent living apartments, along with assisted living, long-term skilled nursing, short-term rehabilitation and memory care, all in the same location. The CCRC requires a refundable or nonrefundable deposit, with the latter giving you priority entrance to their medical facility.
But there’s one major hurdle that I don’t think I can get over: After being released from hospital, my mother died in the CCRC’s rehabilitation facility. I don’t like driving past the place, let alone the thought of one day finding myself there as a patient. It brings back too many unpleasant memories.
We’ll continue to look into CCRCs, while hoping our health holds up like our neighbor Sue. She’s in her 90s and lives alone, with some help from her daughter. I wrote about not seeing her for a while. We thought something terrible might have happened to her when her daughter drove off with some of her belongings. We found out later she was on a cruise.
That, unfortunately, is what happens when you don’t see an elderly person for a while: You fear the worst.
Dennis Friedman retired from Boeing Satellite Systems after a 30-year career in manufacturing. Born in Ohio, Dennis is a California transplant with a bachelor’s degree in history and an MBA. A self-described “humble investor,” he likes reading historical novels and about personal finance. Follow Dennis on X @DMFrie and check out his earlier articles.
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CCRC’s are an excellent option for older retirees, usually around 80+ is the average age of entry these days. The expense, while not insignificant, usually looks more reasonable when all costs of living are included in the rent or entrance fee figures. The monthly rents and/or fees cover many expenses otherwise incurred if living at home–lawn care, housekeeping, meals, social events, certain activities. And the socialization benefits are particularly beneficial and come with no cost.
Watching my mother suffering from Alzheimer/Parkison in a memory care and the burden of my part-time care giving responsibility, your decision (re: “… I don’t want to burden Rachel with the responsibility of taking care of me.”) is spotted on. I do not want my wife nor my children to be burdened in providing care-giving tasks such as changing my adult diaper nor wiping my derriere during my no-go stage of retirement. Hence, my retirement money will be put into good use for a decent caregiver at a CCRC.
In reference to easing the burden on the spouse by moving into a CCRC or the like, that’s not what I’d do with my wife. Not a money issue, I have plenty due in no small part to Jonathan. It’s a love issue. Until death do us part issue. For me to allow her to spend her last days in such a place would rob me of the best days of my life. I’m not trying to persuade anybody, just food for thought.
Greater love hath no man than this, that a man lay down his life for his friends.
Thanks for the update on Sue! I remember your writing about her some time ago. Doesn’t she pay for some assistance and didn’t you find that the same group would also help you and your wife? Why not stick with that plan?
Marilyn,
The only help Sue has is her daughter and someone who comes occasionally to clean her house. She’s pretty much on her own.
I appreciate this article so very much. My brothers and I took turns taking care of our mother for 25 years after a brain-damaging aneurysm—long before the advent of CCRCs (which would have been a godsend). And I watched my son take care of my ex over 3 long, horrific years. I could never burden him with another years-long parental death.
My husband is 76 and I am 71. We have already explicitly shared that neither of us wants the other to stop being a spouse to become a nurse. A few weeks is one thing—to do so as the street of bodily health becomes a slick, 1-way downhill avenue is another thing altogether.
So, I’m looking at CCRCs and need to find a good step-by-step guide to researching them (we travel full-time now but will eventually return to the Tacoma area).
Thanks for your timely input. I still need to spend time investigating CCRCs, which you helped put back on my to-do list. My spouse and I turn 69 this year and have not spent much time contemplating moving out of our home. You also hit a very timely subject with checking in on the past that has been bothering me lately. I am working on my Ancestry Tree at Ancestry.com and have most of it worked out. At issue is that I am one of 52 1st Cousins on my paternal side of the family. If I am honest with myself, other than my two brothers, I have no clue as to the status of the remaining 49. Many have passed on. Mostly without me even knowing about it. I have thought about reaching out to see if I can find and communicate with whatever family remains and struggle to get the excitement or energy to do so. I am left to ponder my next step…
BTW, if you are contemplating mortality, might I recommend “The Art of Dying Well”, by Katy Butler? I’m currently attending a series of group sessions based on the book, and having read it I think many people would find it helpful.
Dennis – that sounds like a good CCRC, but your reluctance is understandable. I noticed you linked to my first article on CCRCs. I have now been in residence for over a year, and am still happy with my choice and relieved to no longer be a home owner.
Wait lists for good CCRCs can be long, and you may need to pass both a financial and physical check to move in, meaning that getting on a wait list sooner rather than later would be prudent. Deposits are usually refundable, and you can also usually defer a move once you reach the top.
As always, Dennis, your reflection gives me an opportunity to consider my situation and to comment on yours. A big benefit of retirement is more time to reach out to folks from our past. I’ve had one wonderful experience like that – it’s six years now since I visited my very first friend after nearly 50 years of no contact. I also recently met up with some high school classmates after a few years of Facebook contact. It was fun. However, resuming some other old friendships hasn’t panned out. Our lives took such different paths that we no longer had much in common. I think you’re right to just cherish your memories of Roger. About where and how to live as we age, I think HD is such a good place to toss ideas around. Meanwhile, we try to keep our bodies, homes and finances in as good a condition as we can. Sending my best regards to you and Rachel.
Thanks for your musings on this personal topic that many of us seniors need to consider.
In 2013 G and I began RVing (recreational vehicle). We were looking for locations in the U.S. in which we could spend time and her chronic illness would be more manageable. Cold weather was not a good situation for her. Along our journey we established a couple of “lily pads”. We use these as bases for longer excursions.
One is in a “mega” resort, which accommodates rvers and has park models; these are small homes of about 400+ square feet. It also has manufactured homes and condominium homes. The resort has a nurse practitioner, restaurant, bar, lots of activities, a chapel, etc. Under HUD rules it caters to 50+, although up to 20% can be younger.
There are a surprising number of retirees in their 90s living there.
Today we live a good part of the year in a manufactured home in that community.
Dennis, thanks for a thought-provoking article. Like, Jeff, I’ve seen different dynamics with my parents, in-laws, relatives, and friend’s parents. It’s a really important and challenging topic. I think your approach of focusing on your physical and financial health is the right one – it will give you options down the road. We are just starting to think these issues – we are 67 and 66. The home we bought 18 months ago is not set up for aging in place. There is a well regarded CCRC outside Philadelphia that we know. It is, however, several hours from our children and their families. I haven’t found a comparable property in our new location, but I’ll keep looking.
It also sounds like you and Rachel are good neighbors. We should all be lucky enough to have neighbors like you.
Dennis – thanks for this introspection. My wife and I are 67 and 71, and some of our circumstances are similar. One difference – we have not looked into CCRCs. My parents stayed at their home until they died.
My wife’s parents lived in a CCRC for a very long time, transitioning from independent living to assisted living and then finally to memory care before they died. My in-laws endured the pandemic during the end of their lives. Inconsistent rules, changing protocols, and separation made the last years very frustrating for all involved.