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IT’S THAT TIME OF year when people think about giving. For my wife, this is what she lives for. She loves buying presents. She’s a very giving person and puts a great deal of thought into the gifts she buys.
She’ll buy gifts all year round, even when the event—such as Christmas—is months away. Problem is, she frequently forgets where she’s stored the presents she’s bought. They’ll eventually be found, but in many cases long past the date when she wanted to give them. We took a trip to Alaska in 2021. One of the gifts I received last Christmas was from that trip. I laughed when I saw it.
She inherited this trait from her mother, who would also buy gifts far ahead of time, and then forget what she bought or where it was stored. It was a running joke that, around Christmas time, my mother-in-law would confess to forgetting where your gift was.
“It’s better to give than to receive.” That’s a noble sentiment. But what if you don’t want to receive? That’s been me for many years. It’s not that I don’t want more stuff. The problem is, I get stuff I don’t want or need.
For instance, I’m not a fashion plate. I don’t buy the latest styles. Instead, my clothes are the same style that I’ve been wearing for years. I own blue suits, white shirts, black shoes, blue jeans, T-shirts and solid-color sweatshirts. You get the idea.
For years, my wife has been trying to upgrade my wardrobe. She buys me clothes for Christmas or my birthday that she thinks I ought to wear. They sit unworn in the back of my closet or dresser drawers.
My wife’s sister and her daughters have the same need to buy presents. As a member of this family, I’m on the receiving end. Their gifts usually aren’t what I want or need. I politely say “thanks,” not meaning it, but rather for the sake of not causing a scene.
This all started when I was a kid. My brother and I would always receive gifts from Santa Claus. For some reason, he never got me what I wanted. When I got older and began working, I solved this problem by buying what I wanted.
This Ebenezer Scrooge attitude still lies within me. I don’t have a wish list of items I want others to buy for me. Because no list is offered, I get what people think I could use or want. Nine times out of 10, it isn’t.
When family members ask for my list, I say, “I really don’t want anything.” I thought this would reduce their anxiety. The opposite occurred. They rack their brains trying to figure out what I might want. They’re also mad that I don’t produce a list of all the things I’ve always wanted. What’s a guy to do?
Last Christmas, when I opened the presents from my wife and son, I was pleasantly surprised. Instead of getting things that my wife thinks I need, she bought me everyday items that I use, but I’ve run out of or soon will. It was a good Christmas.
One year, my sister-in-law presented me with a nicely wrapped box, telling me, “This is something you’ve always wanted.”
Who can resist that? Something I’ve always wanted. I can’t imagine what it is. Oh boy, oh boy.
It was a shoe-shine box. When did I say that was what I always wanted? My wife answered for my sister-in-law: “You said you wanted a place to shine your shoes.”
I replied, “What I wanted was the chair that has a coat hanger on the back, so I can put my suit jacket on the back, and then sit on the chair and polish my shoes before putting them on.”
My wife said, “Oh, you wanted a valet chair.”
That shoe shine box? I still use it. Every time I see it, I smile. I think back to that Christmas when I supposedly got what I always wanted.
David Gartland was born and raised on Long Island, New York, and has lived in central New Jersey since 1987. He earned a bachelor’s degree in math from the State University of New York at Cortland and holds various professional insurance designations. Dave’s property and casualty insurance career with different companies lasted 42 years. He’s been married 36 years, and has a son with special needs. Dave has identified three areas of interest that he focuses on to enjoy retirement: exploring, learning and accomplishing. Pursuing any one of these leads to contentment. Check out Dave’s earlier articles.
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Thanks man. You make me chuckle with internal reflections. My Mom and myself also do the ‘where did I put it’ dance.
I’m also not a slave to fashion. I learned long ago that washing machines and driers ruin clothes.
Just yesterday, I was in a restaurant and the waitress had on those pants that have holes in them.
I stuck my leg out and said, ‘We are right in style.’
She had this put out sort of look because MY holes are not faked.
Dave, I can relate as I’m trying to enter the de-accumulation phase at this point and simply buy what I want when it’s needed (which isn’t much). Whenever my family asks what I want my response is a dumpster. Guess I’ve earned the Scrooge moniker honestly!
I find that people still expect gifts, but that Christmases and birthdays pile up faster and faster. It really feels like just yesterday I was shopping for Christmas, but it was last year or the year before or maybe December 2020 when just a few stores were open and I had a N95 equivalent strapped tight to my face. There’s nothing new at the pop up Christmas markets or in the stores. None of us need more stuff. But getting a few family members to reduce their expectations for stuff is difficult.
Lists don’t solve the problem because often the stuff they want is something I wouldn’t want to give or the gifts aren’t gifts but satisfying what has become (in their minds) an entitlement.
I could have written most of the article as I have experienced the same situtations about receiving gifts.
I get annoyed when people give me gifts that I don’t want. Sometimes they simply don’t understand what I’d like. Or clothing the wrong size or style or a shirt without a pocket (where am I going to put glasses?); I’m not going to wear either. Other times they want to change me to be the way they think I should be. I don’t like the waste of somebody spending money on clutter. And they expect me to be gracious.
My husband is like you. He’s dreadful at ever coming up with any gift ideas for himself. And of course my whole family harasses ME about ideas for him. I don’t know how it became my job to do all the thinking about Christmas and birthdays, but I’d like to retire from it, please.
Amen.
I have pretty much everything I need (which isn’t much as I’m not into possesions). My theory is if it’s eveything that is inexpensive I have already bought, and anything that is expensive I wouldn’t ask anyone else to purchase for me as a present.
Now that IPad that I want, is because the current one only has 32 GB of memory, and I can’t update it. I spend hours on it as I use it to read all my news, sports, investing articles (don’t play games on it, ever). A 64 GB will be an ask as a present from the wife for Xmas and birthday (in January) even though I could purchase the biggest, and “bestest” right now.
As for any other gifts, umm, umm…
That’s part of the problem. I’m particular about technology (I want the fastest processor and most storage possible and if I’m going to travel with it, it better be small and light) and why should I wait 3 months for Chistmas when I can leave work an hour early and take a long walk or catch the crosstown bus to B&H?
I think the circle of seasonal gifting is one of the most wasteful things we do as humans. So much tat or unwanted/ unneeded things. Give booze ( subject to obvious caveats) or special food by all means but not plastic things or the giver’s taste in clothes or novelty gadgets or agree on a gift amnesty and agree to pool the savings on a communal meal out or get together in the dark days of late Jan.
I’m not a total grinch. Kids are OK. In fact I’d rather donate to toybank or foodbank than buy stupid Secret Santa novelties. I find it heartbreaking when you hear year after year of people routinely going into debt just to pay for “special” Xmasses because “you have to”. No you don’t – being with loved ones ( and even tolerated ones) should be enough.
Going into debt… RIGHT.
I had a tenant that went behind in rent because of her Christmas spending…She never quite made it all up.
So, inadvertently I bought her kids presents.
As Kathy mentioned, a good way to solve this is to tell any gift givers that you’d prefer a donation to a charity you favor. I love dogs, and at Christmas my kids have donated in my name to a worthy dog organization. Couldn’t ask for a better gift!
I love dogs, too, and I have two different monthly donations to dog-related charities. When my adult kids annoy me, I mutter things about “leaving it all to a dog rescue”!
When it’s not my style, I still get joy wearing it and seeing the smile on the gift giver! Happy Thanksgiving!
Wouldn’t it be simpler just to write a list? Even if you only ask for new jeans and T-shirts? Books? Tools? If you don’t ask of course you are unlikely to get anything you want. My family started us with lists as soon as we could write. We might not get everything we asked for, but we didn’t get things we didn’t want, either.
Some people give donations to charities in the recipient’s name. Works better if the recipient specifies the charity.
Dave, this article hits home with me, especially how telling someone that you want nothing causes more anxiety.
I’m like that Zac Brown song, got everything I need, and nothin that I don’t. I suppose that’s another thing to be thankful for today.