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It’s a Secret

Richard Quinn

SOME FOLKS SEEM HAPPY to tell the world how much they earn, how much they have in the bank and what their portfolio is worth. Not me.

If I were to share my income and net worth, I’d expect some serious consequences, and not just from local thieves. In fact, I’m so cautious I have a plan not to tell anyone, except my wife Connie, if I win the lottery.

To be sure, overt sharing often isn’t necessary. The way we live can be revealing enough. Having two homes and spending much of the winter in Florida is a clear sign the Connie and I aren’t living solely on Social Security. Still, there are plenty of good reasons that I and others don’t reveal everything about our finances.

Getting judged. Will we be seen as rich and out of touch, or average and unsuccessful? Some folks may even fear being judged poor and deserving of pity.

Embarrassment. Could revealing details about our financial situation, including any debt, cause shame or guilt about lavish spending? Would learning about others cause us to question our earning power or life choices?

Power dynamics. Money can be seen as a source of power. Do we risk that by revealing more about our finances, which is a standard measure of success in our society?

Social norms. There are unspoken rules when talking about money. It might be considered rude or inappropriate to bring it up, even in casual conversation. “Nice to meet you. How much do you earn? Do you have a credit card balance? I don’t.” That’s going to be a short friendship.

Lack of knowledge. Many people don’t have a good understanding of personal finance and might feel insecure about that. Talking about money or investments could reveal their ignorance.

Comparison and competition. Talking about money can sometimes lead to rivalry, including among family members, which can be especially damaging. It might also create envy and resentment, and perhaps expectations of sharing.

Right or wrong, money is a key measure of success in our society. Sure, we can all list things that are more important. Still, what we earn, how much we spend and our net worth are yardsticks we all use. We even measure happiness using money. A recent survey found 59% of Americans think money buys happiness.

So, when it comes to our financial lives, mum’s the word.

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Stanley Kwak
1 year ago

I completely respect everyone’s right to hold private any personal information that they wish. This includes any personal finances details that they wish to keep a secret.

However, I disagree that money need be a taboo topic or even that the topic is best handled as a very private matter. We share openly about our finances with friends and family. Doing so allows us to have very open dialogues about many personal finance topics that would otherwise go undiscussed. By sharing openly we are leveraging our collective financial knowledge in a communal fashion which I believe leads to to betterment of all involved. I believe doing so helps to raise all boats with the tide. After all, all of us, collectively, are much smarter than any one of us.

jerry pinkard
1 year ago

Richard, I totally agree with you. I never shared my salary or our retirement income unless it was absolutely necessary.

neyugn
1 year ago
Reply to  jerry pinkard

We don’t even share the timing of our retirement.

Cammer Michael
1 year ago

A few years ago a younger coworkers asked me what my salary was. At the time, I was underpaid and I expected he was too. I told him, but bracketed the number with an explanation of my perception of my pay and what I thought he could do to increase his salary over years. Since then, he’s developed a huge amount of expertise and works very hard. I hope that he was able to use the info to negotiate higher salaries as he’s progressed.
Many of us need to be willing to share like this to squeeze more deserved money from our employers. I also thought this was a responsibility as a mid-career specialist training the next generation of people in my narrow field. However, I was definitely hesitant because of reasons in this article.

DrLefty
1 year ago

For me, one’s own history with money feeds into this conversation. I was reading this article and thinking about how my mother can be judgey about conspicuous consumption. (For example, when we finally purchased a long-wanted convertible in 2018, she sniffed that my husband must be having a “belated mid-life crisis.”) But then I remembered that she was victimized in her marriage to my father by his irresponsible spending and dishonesty about money. They ended up filing bankruptcy, and she’d had no idea how much debt he’d amassed, including borrowing money from my grandmother—HER mother—that my grandmother had agreed to subtract from my mother’s inheritance(!).

Yeah, that kind of experience will make you twitchy about spending. So we don’t talk about this stuff much with family.

Andrew Forsythe
1 year ago

I quite agree, Dick. When someone you’ve just met starts telling you how much they earn or what they’re worth, time to say “Nice to meet you. Goodbye.”

Stacey Miller
1 year ago

Our three sons know all our details, especially our oldest, since he is our executor. I write notes on our net worth statement and send it to him before we have major travel. My husband thinks it’s a bit macabre, but since I’m the one who operated in the dark and had to don my auditor hat while cleaning up two uncles’ estates, I view it as an act of kindness.

PS I agree on not broadcasting one’s worth to the larger family or world. We already have too many annoying braggarts about…

neyugn
1 year ago
Reply to  Stacey Miller

That shown the level of trust in your children. (and you probably raised them with moral conviction). I have seen family when the parents start sharing their net worth, the children start to concoct ideas about conservatorship.

Debbie Williams
1 year ago
Reply to  Stacey Miller

I have a binder and comprehensive legal documents and instructions in our safe that our son has access to. All he has to remember is the access code! If he ever has to open that safe, we won’t be there to answer his questions, so I try to be pretty detailed. And everything is in a trust, so he doesn’t have to divulge to any other family members what he inherited either!

neyugn
1 year ago

this actually is the better idea. leave the instruction and updated financial detail in the safety box at the bank. check the access audit log often.

Mike Gaynes
1 year ago

The “survey” that trumpeted 59% of Americans believing money buys happiness was conducted by a financial advisory firm called Empower, which provides retirement plans. They combined data from a Harris Poll of 2034 Americans — not exactly a whopping sample size — with data they pulled from their own Empower Personal Dashboard, whatever that is, and came up with a ton of colorful conclusions.

And then their PR folks, who deserve a big raise, came up with the perfect clickbait headline that guaranteed national media pickup of their press release — and, of course, tons of free national publicity for the company. In other words, that 59% figure should be taken with a grain of salt the size of a pickup truck.

The 59% figure also sounds a bit less shallow when you see how the respondents define the “happiness” that money can buy. For two-thirds of them it was the ability to pay bills on time and live debt-free. Nothing to do with big houses or nice cars or what the money could buy them.

David Lancaster
1 year ago
Reply to  Mike Gaynes

“For two-thirds of them it (happiness) was the ability to pay bills on time and live debt-free.”

It’s good to know that for a majority of those surveyed just being able to meet one’s financial obligations is enough to be happy.

One question though, are you sure Americans that were surveyed?

R Quinn
1 year ago
Reply to  Mike Gaynes

Perhaps, but other studies indicate a happiness/money relationship. https://knowledge.wharton.upenn.edu/article/does-money-buy-happiness-heres-what-the-research-says/

Boomerst3
1 year ago
Reply to  R Quinn

Many other studies say that a certain income provides ‘happiness’, which may be relief from financial worries,but after that it levels off. It definitely provides comfort, but in many cases high earners compare themselves to others and are not happy.

Mike Gaynes
1 year ago
Reply to  R Quinn

I don’t doubt it. I’m just pointing out the ulterior motives in the survey you quoted.

Shockingly, just as I hit POST COMMENT 12 minutes ago, my wife came in to tell me that her friend in Arizona, an extremely wealthy woman, lost her gifted 12-year-old daughter overnight.

This is someone for whom all the money in the world will never buy one iota of happiness again. Another perspective on the discussion.

Ocher
1 year ago

I agree with that too often money and the amount one has or doesn’t have, is equated with self worth. I think conspicuous consumption and credit card debt is a manifestation of this thinking. In addition to my wife, the only ones I share my financial information with are my adult children. I want them to know that in retirement we are financially set. I also want to model good money management and ensure that when we pass on they understand the how and why of our last wishes.

Last edited 1 year ago by Ocher
Dan Smith
1 year ago
Reply to  Ocher

IMO you are 100% correct regarding low self worth.

R Quinn
1 year ago
Reply to  Ocher

Our children know we are fine financially. Actually I have told them that they may have things to worry about as we age (now in our 80s), but it won’t be about money. That’s as far as I plan to go.

Edmund Marsh
1 year ago

Honest conversations about money, the kind that can be helpful, can certainly be difficult. Most of us make comparisons, and those can be deadly to a relationship.

JAMIE
1 year ago

I agree with most of what is said in the article.. except: there is so much knowledge to be gained from others. I certainly don’t want to “overshare” about my personal details, but I do want to share the wisdom I have gained through mistakes and successes with my money over the past few decades.

R Quinn
1 year ago
Reply to  JAMIE

I agree and I think that is what we do here on HumbleDollar and more effectively than any other blog or website I have found.

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