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CALL ME SOLITARY MAN. I’ve never been much of a joiner. I’ve never belonged to a country club and can count on two hands the number of social organizations I’ve been part of during my working years.
Part of this was because I didn’t have a lot of time to pursue outside interests while working 14-hour days as a corporate manager. What spare time I did have, I preferred to spend writing, fishing, hiking or engaged in other solitary pursuits.
But if I’m being honest, much of my club avoidance over the years is because I’m cheap. The idea of forking over thousands of dollars for a country club membership when I had more pressing things to do with my money, like funding my retirement accounts and the kids’ 529 plans, didn’t make a lot of sense to me.
Besides, the whole notion of a club has always smelled to me of privilege and exclusivity. Why would I want to pay through the nose so I can prove to others that I’ve arrived?
In retrospect, I realize I was a bit of a snob in the way I looked at clubs. Yes, a club—especially the swanky kind—is, by definition, exclusive. After all, people without money can’t afford it. But many clubs do a lot of good through their charitable causes. Clubs are also a great way to meet people and to network. By staying away from them, I paid a price in terms of missed career opportunities and friendships over the course of my career.
The author (center) at the Creamton Fly Fishing Club
Better late than never, right? Since I left the corporate world almost two years ago, I’ve joined several clubs, including a fly-fishing club near my vacation home in the Endless Mountains of Pennsylvania. Club membership is pricey, but it offers exclusive access to six miles of pristine trout stream in northeastern Pennsylvania.
Why the sudden change of heart? There are several reasons. First, I now have more time on my hands to indulge in my passions.
Second, I have the money, so why not join a club or two that align with my interests? The fly-fishing club provides a chance to fish prime trout waters without standing elbow-to-elbow with other fishermen along stocked public waters. For a guy like me who loves fishing but hates crowds, that’s priceless.
To assuage my conscience about being part of an exclusive, members-only club that some others can’t afford, I’m ramping up my volunteering and my giving to nonprofit organizations. In addition to being on the board of directors of a nonprofit alternative educational organization, I’ve joined the local Rotary Club, where we meet weekly to plan service projects for needy community groups and causes.
The third and most important reason I’ve decided to join these clubs: They allow me to meet people and stay socially engaged—things that are vitally important as we grow older. About a quarter of Americans age 65 and older are socially isolated, recent research revealed. Beyond the emotional pain of loneliness, seniors who are socially isolated also tend to develop cognitive issues at an earlier age.
Men, in particular, have a problem in this area. We tend to have fewer friends than women in the first place, and when we lose them, as we inevitably do as we get older, we have a harder time making new ones.
Speaking for myself, I’ve lost several good friends over the years. I can feel my social connections dwindling. Now is the time to rebuild them.
Happily, I’ve already made a couple of new friends through the groups I’ve recently joined. To me, these friendships and social connections are well worth the price of membership.
You can’t take it with you, as they say. I feel good knowing I’m spending my money on things I enjoy and that give back to the community, while keeping me engaged in that community.
James Kerr led global communications, public relations and social media for a number of Fortune 500 technology firms before leaving the corporate world to pursue his passion for writing and storytelling. His debut book, “The Long Walk Home: How I Lost My Job as a Corporate Remora Fish and Rediscovered My Life’s Purpose,” was published in 2022 by Blydyn Square Books. Jim blogs at PeaceableMan.com. Follow him on Twitter @JamesBKerr and check out his previous articles.
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Great Post and dead on about joining clubs, I share the exact same feelings but never considered I was being the snob. Maybe true. But I refuse to pay big money to play golf with the elite. My cow pasture public course is good enough for my game. I did join (free) my local cigar shop. (yes I know it’s bad for you). I’ve gained immediate friends and learned a lot about a lot of guy stuff. I highly recommended it, but keep it to a reasonable amount of sticks a week. thanks for a good read.
Read this and just signed up for my local run club and one of their upcoming races. I’m an avid runner anyway but have always run by myself so I could go when I wanted. So your encouragement was appreciated! Hey – also got that senior discount.
For decades my husband and I coasted along with our friendships being mainly connected to our kids’ activities and/or work. Well, the kids left, we both changed jobs and are eyeing retirement, so a few years ago we agreed that we had to put energy into building a social life as we aged. This was tough in particular for my husband, who’s an introvert and likes a quiet evening at home, but he was all-in.
Our condo community to which we moved in 2019 has built an active social calendar—Friday morning coffee, biweekly lunches, and a biweekly wine-tasting group. There are also occasional social events that individuals organize. We hosted a game night for eight of us last weekend, and we’ve hosted Oscar parties and Monday Night Football viewing. As someone else noted, it’s not a “free” club membership because we have to pay the HOA fees, but it’s working out well.
Another social outlet that’s emerged for us in a very 21st century way is with a group of San Francisco Giants fans. Some years back, I joined a blog community following the Giants, and in 2017, I was asked to write a weekly column for it. Over the years, we’ve met many of the regulars in person at Giants games in San Francisco or Sacramento River Cats games (the minor league affiliate near us). A number of us text regularly and we Zoomed during the COVID shutdown. It’s become a pretty vibrant connection. Many of us comment in real time while watching the games on TV, and we’ve called it our “virtual sports bar.”
I understand there are OSHER communities and organizations throughout the nation.
http://osherfoundation.org/
https://www.osherfoundation.org/olli_list.html
When my new residence gets finished being built, my monthly HOA fee automatically puts me in the club whether I play or not. No golf course, but it has a lake, pool and courts for tennis and pickle ball. It will be nice to acquire new friendships…which could lead to other clubs.
My parents joined a country club when I was in high school, and we all enjoyed a lot of tennis, but I never saw them experience any significant social bonding with the “upper crust” members, and I was staggered by what they paid, so it never even crossed my mind in my own adulthood. My “clubs” were soccer teams and a martial arts organization.
Now, in a new hometown with an aging body, it’s choir, community theater, Tai Chi and Meals On Wheels. With all my best friends far away and older than me, I am acutely conscious of the need for new friendships from these activities, and I see those possibilities. But damn, it takes a long time to make a real friend, and it’s hard work for a judgmental putz like myself.
I just don’t want to end up at 85 with my younger wife being my only social connection. I owe her better.
About 10 years ago, I wanted to help keep my friend from isolation. We set up a weekly breakfast, just the two of us. He was still working as a substitute teacher so cancelling last minute was a non-issue. It was far easier for me to be cancelled than it was to try to schedule something new each week.
His Parkinson’s was there, but symptom’s were minor. Sadly, he no longer makes breakfast. So we visit him.
We would alternate paying for breakfast. Now many years later we have 14 regulars. We average 8 people every week. Less in the summer, but more in the winter. First time members are always the host. That way, like it or not, they continue coming back for their “free” breakfasts. It becomes a habit and newbies fit right in. (Secretly, we all hope for a smaller group when it’s our turn to pay)
We all know when couples go out together, the guys don’t have as much in common as the wives. In this group, when they go out as couples, the guys are on equal footing.
Often, newcomers know at least one other member from school or other social circles. So fitting in is never a problem.
Yesterday we celebrated that our newest member raised the average age of the group. That’s usually hard to do.
The cost averages out to about $650/year for a weekly breakfast.
It’s ideal. We talk about the same things, we repeat the same stories, and solve the same world problems as we did the week before. Nobody complains. Nobody remembers.
I agree. Yes with nearly everything. I was lucky with a number of health setbacks. (BW)BodyWeight exercise the last 50+ yrs kept me in decent condition. Several Dr.s have said I’d have not have rebounded time after time from injuries so well had I not been a fastidious BW exerciser. That my cheap private club.
Yes, its members are a small % of the population.
One of the longest was a Navy Barber, he’s a decade older. New years day the Gyms fill up. By end of the first quarter only the regulars remain.
My lifestyle can come across as spartan & harsh.
I’d not want to live on a golf-course either Jim.
You speak of PA’s mountains. I met 2 married special needs teachers, both are 80+ now.
The males still hunts winters, and fishes summers.
He accredits his health with his lifestyle.
You never know if the chutes going to open unless you need to pull the rip-cord.
I have had a gym membership for over 30 years. I nickname the new members who show up for only the first quarter the “resolutioners”, as in New Years
This sounds familiar. I’m glad you found your best social outlets. I’ve never joined a country club, but through the years my volunteer time with YMCA Guides, Boy Scouts, and Church have been great social outlets. In retirement I remain socially active, for example I still meet a group of friends most weeks to play pool (we’re not very good) and solve the world’s problems (the world doesn’t listen).
Haha. Yes, I’m a terrible pool player. Not much better at fishing, but I love it!
You hit the mark with this. I can relate, but I’m still not a joiner, never have been and to my detriment I guess I never will be. But I sure wouldn’t mind being a member at a country club.
I checked it out once. I forget the initiation fee, but I remember you were billed $700 a month for the dining room regardless of whether you ate there or not.
Of course you needed a sponsor too. I had no chance.
Didn’t matter though, there was a twenty-year waiting list – or perhaps it was the flannel shirt and jeans that I was wearing at the time.
Groucho Marx
sent the following wire to a Hollywood club he had joined: “Please accept my resignation. I don’t want to belong to any club that will accept me as a member.”
I can’t get over what people are willing to pay for a country club membership. I’ll never do it, but I suppose if I was a big golfer, it might be worth it. To each man (and woman), his/her own!
I would never be able to afford a private golf club membership, but I guess the next best thing is to know somebody who does have one. I worked several years for a man who was a very avid and good golfer who was a member of several private clubs in the area. So long as I did not abuse the privilege, he had no problem letting me and 3 friends play several times a year on his tab.
That’s the kind of friend to have. When I was working I got to play at golf outings once a week or so at many of the best clubs in the Northeast and a few elsewhere. Those days are long gone though.
I’m loyal to my local muni course, but it sure is nice to play some courses I would otherwise never be able to play. It sounds like a great perk while it lasted.
Thanks for the article and reflections. Really enjoy your observations and can identify with the challenge of staying engaged and curious as I move closer and closer to the “victory lap” or portfolio phase of my career. As a neighbor to your south who loves fly fishing I might just investigate your club as I travel through that area to visit the West Branch of the Delaware a couple times a year.
Another fly fisherman! Would be happy to take you out to the stream as a guest when you’re in the area. I’ve never been to the West Branch of the Delaware, but I hear it’s great fishing.
A very good article. I see a lot of myself in your self description. At this point in my life the major social influence in my life is my wife. We do a lot together. Fortunately she has a wider circle of friends than I do, but still your article reminds me of an additional reason for both of us to work on our social capital: that since one of us will precede the other in leaving this life we both need to work on our social connections so there’s some support when it’s only one of us left. That’s for the reminder.