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I’m back in the Philadelphia suburbs today, heading to a funeral later this morning. My best friend’s Mother passed away at 91. She’s the last of my friend’s parents to go. Of my in-laws, two mothers are still alive – one healthy and super-sharp, one quite infirm. We attended a neighbor’s funeral last Friday at the Jersey Shore. She made it 85, and lived an active life almost to the end. An acquaintance recently died suddenly at 80. He was a successful contractor, and worked right to the end.
I take this as a sign of getting older. It highlights that we have a finite, unknown, amount of time left. I’m trying to use these recent milestones, and the current uncertainty, to focus my thoughts on our retirement. We are blessed with a great family, and they are the most important part of our lives. We also have places we want to see, things we want to experience, and things to accomplish. Chaotic markets, and thoughts of time flying by, make me want to refocus on my health, and make sure our financial plan is solid with lots of margin of safety. Engineers hate uncertainty, but uncertain the world is. I’m grateful to the HD community for their wisdom, expertise, and caring. It definitely helps.
Rick, as someone 81 married to someone 85, you are not helping things. 😎
This is a great tribute and honor about someone who lived life to its fullest and had quite an impact on you and many others. There are probably HumbleDollar readers all around the world who now learned about this amazing person and wish they had met her at some point. Thanks for sharing.
Good post Rick. I will read the comments later. We are going through similar. Spouse’s brother with the ALS that I have written about here passed away yesterday evening. We were able to be with him. Life is a gift, and so is passing peacefully. Chris
Chris, I’m sorry for you and your spouse’s loss. Your writing showed the great love and care you and your wife gave your brother-in-law. Good for you.
About death and dying, I have witnessed many “natural deaths” that defied our medical model. As a physician, I must sign a death certificate with a cause of death (natural death is not legally acceptable). Yet, my father, mother, and father in-law all died without any known medical cause because they died at the time of their choosing, with normal function of vital organs (brain, heart, lungs, liver, kidneys).
My father celebrated his 90th birthday and declared that he lived long enough and would depart in 5 days. He changed his mind and passed away naturally 4 days later without showing any sign of illness. My mother survived a supposedly fatal lymphoma, and later a bout of sepsis, and died at 89 yo without convincing evidence of any disease.
Before my father in-law had Alzheimer’s dementia, he told me he wanted to die at home. At the age of 100 and after 9 years of dementia, the last 3 years without verbal communication ability and mental recognition of family members, he aspirated and was expected to die the same day. In short, he refused to die at the hospital, regained his cognition and speaking capabilities, called me by name and asked me to take him home. The hospital doctors were amazed by his miraculous and rapid recovery (no more evidence of aspiration pneumonia, normal brain, heart, lung function, and free of infection). When we took him home 2 weeks later, he said goodbye to his wife, smiled and passed away in his bed.
I do not know of anyone or any doctor who could prognosticate with better than 50/50 probability the survival time frame of any patient, even with the certainty of the diagnosis like heart attack, stroke, cancer, or infection. I have a profound respect for the dying phase as the spiritual sphere, not to be treated as a medical process. The cause of death on the death certificate is for public heath use and research, sometimes for financial reimbursement (like Covid related deaths), but not for family to argue over, or for lawsuits over medical negligence.
Quan, thanks for sharing your amazing experiences. My wife, Mother-in-law, and mother all worked in health care. I’ve heard some amazing stories from them. Your father-in-law’s story is truly amazing. I’ve been told there is both art and science e in the practice of medicine.
Rick, I used to get a report from my mother of the latest death among her age cohort in her small town. But at age 95, she’s outlived most of them, and has little to report these days. My wife’s 97-year-old mother is living the same experience, and suffers because of it. She misses her family and friends.
Loss and uncertainty can certainly make me feel unsettled. I’ll join you in thinking about the many blessings that are left to us, and those that must lie ahead. Just having the time to reflect on our circumstances is a sign we’re at least a little removed from acute troubles. That’s a blessing to dwell on.
Ed, thanks. You make a great point about having the luxury to take time and reflect on our blessings.
Ed, I think it’s not a coincidence that my mother in law just passed away three weeks after her oldest daughter, 83, passed away unexpectedly. When she was hospitalized they performed an echo cardiogram and her ejection fraction (the amount of blood pushed out of the heart with each beat) was 60 (congestive heart failure is 25). This result shows that at 103 she had normal heart function, even though it may have been broken.
PS When told that her daughter had passed only hours after we knew she was in critical condition, she simply said a short prayer thanking God for her daughter’s long life. My mother in law never seemed to be flustered.
David, she sounds like an amazing woman.
Rick, thanks for the thoughtful post. I think about these things all the time (without verbalizing to anyone, especially my spouse). I try to live my life to maximize experiences with my family NOW as there is NO certainty of how much time we will have. We’ve all worked hard to “get here” and missed doing things in the process/ journey. Take advantage of these times in retirement to enjoy the things we want to do while we can and have the time and health to.
Today, I’m off to my Intro to Jazz class at Montclair State University (under the NJ Senior Citizen Learning Program) which I am enjoying immensely. Then it’s back home to pack for our trip to Italy on Friday with our 13 year old granddaughter.
Enjoy these days and times and experiences while we can!
Thanks, and have a great rip with your granddaughter.
My friend and his family made today’s funeral a celebration of a great person, and a life well lived. She was a life-long learner and self- taught investor. She discovered this unknown thing called the Windsor Fund, at this little place called Vanguard. long before anyone else in my circle had heard of them. My friend said that right to the end she was sharp as a tack and had opinions on all of the world news. She had traveled extensively, including China, South America, Europe and all over North America. Twenty-five years ago she was diagnosed with a heart condition. and told she had 6 months to live. She traveled to the Holy Land and prayed for help. She got somewhat better, and was told she might 3-5 years to live. She kept on going. Over that last 25 years she had the last rites 4 times, including last week. She and her husband raised 3 great children, who married 3 great partners, and raised 6 wonderful grandchildren. They are a close and loving family, and took great care of her. I was a bit down this morning when I wrote the post. Seeing this great family, talking about fun old times, and interacting with the grandchildren and their spouses and girlfriends, mad me feel much better.
You are a treasure Rick.Thank you for reminding us of what really matters in the midst of economic craziness.
March was a terrible month for my extended family. First early in the month my wife’s oldest sibling died quite unexpectedly. We only found out hours before she passed. On the 27th I helped in the passing of my 103 1/4 yo mother in law. Then two days later I found out my uncle had at most days to live. He had finally relented to tell his extended family he had liver cancer. I spoke to him the next day. The next day I was present at the family planning meeting for funeral arrangements for my mother in law on the 30th. When that was completed I drove three hours to arrive at my uncle’s residence and assisted with his passing five hours after my arrival.
When I experienced three of my immediate family members passing in an 18 month period in 2017-18 I thought that was unbelievable, but this was in an even more compressed time frame.
David, I’m very sorry for the significant amount of loss you and your family have experienced. After my father died, our pastor, who was friendly with my dad, told us it can take months to begin to process the loss. I’m this is a challenging time for your and your family. I hope you find peace, and can take some comfort in knowing you provide love and care to the end.
Thoughtful post, Rick. On Sunday, I read the obituaries of two acquaintances of mine, ages 73 and 74. I’ve known many coworkers who didn’t even make it to 60. I’m betting that your financial plan is already solid, with the requisite margin of safety. Refocusing on your health with a goal of spending more quality time with your wonderful family…now that’s a great takeaway from your recent experiences.
Thanks Ken. The passing of former coworkers seems like a yearly occurrence. It is obvious in the annual Thermal Engineering Xmas party I’ve been attending for 38 years. There is less than a handful of us left from the original group. It’s incentive to make the long drive each year, and hear the same old war stories.
There’s something comforting about rehashing those old war stories, isn’t there, Rick? A few years ago I called a retired ‘legend’ from GE that had a key role in one of my projects 25 years ago. He had recently turned 80, and he spent almost the entire hour telling me his stories and talking about other GE guys we had worked with all those years ago. As the conversation was just about to end, he politely asked, “Oh, and how are you doing these days?” Probably the last conversation we’ll ever have. I was happy to hear his stories and for him to know he was not forgotten.
We all need that reminder. Last week my neighbor’s father died unexpectedly. He was 5 years younger than me. It gives you pause . . .
Thanks Jeff. I’m often surprised when I hear of situations like your neighbor’s father. My oldest son just turned 42. That’s how old I was when my dad died. It definitely gives you pause.
Sorry for your losses. Now I’m living in a retirement community death is a fairly frequent visitor and not only for the oldest. Always, carpe diem.
Thanks Kathy. I couldn’t agree more.
Rick, sorry for the loss to both you and your parents. Losing the last of their old friends is a bewildering experience for them.
I’m sure your presence today will bring much needed comfort.
Thanks Marjorie.
Rick, thanks for reminding me of the things that matter the most.
Thanks Dan.
Rick, I’m sorry to read about these recent losses. But I applaud your mindset.
Thanks Michael