No TIME Left For You

On my way to better things

(No time left for you) I found myself some wings

(No time left for you) Distant roads are callin’ me

(No time left for you)

– The Guess Who

It had been a while since I had been mailed the opportunity to “get guaranteed income that you can’t outlive,” “preserve your capital,” and most importantly “enjoy a complimentary dinner.” I was concerned that there might have been some sort of cosmic shift away from financial planners who charge 1% of assets or even worse that my name had fallen off the free steak mailing list.

Well once again my fears were for naught as an invitation from a “Well-known local retirement specialist George Williams III,” was in my mailbox and all was right in the world. Oddly though this invite offered a complimentary BBQ buffet and not what I thought was the legally required filet mignon, roasted chicken or salmon on a cedar plank. The venue though was Jack Stack Barbecue, which is possibly the best upscale BBQ joint in Kansas City.

I arrived promptly at 6:00 pm, had my name checked off the list and then given the required name tag and marketing booklet (“Your Financial Blueprint Begins Here”) before being guided to my seat.

The room had two large TVs with looped videos of Mr. George Williams III and his wife being interviewed and working with clients. There was also a very large poster of him sitting in a very sumptuous chair with Mrs. George Williams III standing next to him, something out of a photo session for the King of England.

And after the starter salad we were off, with George III taking the stage and . . . playing a video of people saying very nice things about him. Next, he told a very depressing story about his father dying of cancer with him at his side. The central theme was the concept of “TIME,” and that we will eventually run out of it.

I thought he had started off on such a downer to emphasize he could provide me with more “TIME” by taking care of my money. Instead, he did it as a lead-in to an acronym he really likes to use:

• T =       Tax Efficacy
• I =        Income Planning
• M =      Manage Risk
• E =       Establish Legacy

He then mentioned when his father died, he was devastated and could not function for over the year. I think he wanted to convey the love he had for his father and the deep loss felt, but couldn’t help but wonder “during all this TIME who was looking after your client’s MONEY?”

It all seemed a little too dark, too sad and maybe a little self-focused.

He mentioned that many years ago 65 was old, but today it wasn’t . . . the ol’ 65 is the new 55 razzmatazz. I understood he was angling at the Birdiean idea that if you’re 65, you’ve still “got a lot of livin’ to do!”

The problem was that as I looked around the room, everyone (else) looked really old.

The last few of these I’ve been to, has the speaker asking, “What is the color of a yield sign?” with most of the audience incorrectly answering “Yellow” (as I did . . . the first time).[1] I was waiting for it, when George III instead zagged and offered that he was going to build me a house.

I had also heard the investment house meme before (x3): a foundation of solid investments, walls of income and roof of something or another. I never liked the analogy, as while a solid foundation is important, so is a solid and watertight roof. I’ve had to deal with a leaky roof during a Hurricane Harvey, and I didn’t comment to my wife “at least the foundation is solid.”

Either way, it is played. I’m hopeful that before my next complimentary steak dinner the Financial Advisor Research Team can come up with a new analogy (retirement is like a Flower, a L.O.C.O.M.O.T.I.V.E, or a KAZOO). Or maybe they could just agree to provide some realistic tax, income and risk advice in return for a modest fee (I’m not worried about the Legacy part . . . you’re reading it).

And Good God, please not the three-legged stool analogy[2] which he subsequently mentioned.

He also spoke of and showed pictures of his family. Which btw is very good looking. At the end he showed one more photo of them, on the beach all dressed in earth tones. While the story he told about his father made me a little sad, this photo made me sadder as I wanted to run home, throw out all my family photos, buy a beige and tan wardrobe, and have a new set of profession photos taken of my family. Though it also gave off the photo that comes in the frame vibe (there’s a fine line between professional and banal).

When I attend these soirées, I always try and get a nugget, though this one was nuggetless. After the last photo was shown, there were though, three very memorable conversations:

1. There was a PowerPoint slide that compared a chart of inflation over the last few years with inflation during the 70s which was quite striking, as when overlayed, they matched up too perfectly. It was supposed to insinuate that current inflation may be quite persistent. When I asked George III if he could email it to me, he said he would . . . but he didn’t.
2. George III also mentioned a story that had a client owning various mutual funds, and that this was definitely not diversification. Now I understand that owning numerous mutual funds, all investing in the same stocks can be an issue. I asked him to explain, and he stated that owning mutual funds was not diversification and that he used professional money managers to help build a wall of diversification. At this point I was tempted to ask him about the door, not to the “house” he was building me, but to the room I was sitting in.
3. The couple, who were my table mates, already had a financial advisor but wanted to see what was out there. We both agreed that talking with somebody every now again was a good idea (and good eats). I mentioned that it forced you to gather all your financial details in one place, which is always a very useful experience. The wife quickly mentioned that she keeps this information very organized and always up to date. I then spoke with the husband about the importance of the Roth conversion, but he wasn’t sure if he had a Roth – I felt like telling his wife that she needed to set up meeting . . . with her husband to bring him up to speed.

Soon after I gave George III’s assistant the bad news. No matter how bad the presentation I always feel even worse when I take a pass on making an appointment to discuss “the next step.” In this case though Joyce handled it with class and said, “No worries, now get yourself some Q!” Which made me feel much better.

The day after the party I was pleasantly surprised when I received an email from George III . . .  thanking me for coming and asking that I “Please use the button below to request your appointment.” There was also a follow-up voicemail from my old friend Joyce thanking me. But neither provided the inflation details.

Epilog

A few months later George III invited me to another seminar. I RSVP’d though felt a little uncomfortable, but figured he was using it as an opportunity to provide the inflation chart. Then four hours before the event he canceled my invitation without apology, texting me that the “seminar is at full capacity. . . we want to ensure that those who haven’t yet had the opportunity . . . are able to join us tonight.”

I was a little disappointed in not getting to spend any TIME with George III, so disappointed that if he invites me again to enjoy a free BBQ, I would only very reluctantly accept.

[1] The color of a Yield sign is . . . Red.

[2] The three legs are Social Security, employee pensions, and personal savings.