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MY WIFE AND I ARE different in many ways. This is good and bad. The good part: I get to see both sides of any issue we discuss. This includes our retirement.
Toward the end of 2020, we stopped working within three months of each other. We were both eligible for Social Security and Medicare, so those two key ingredients of a successful retirement were there for us. But we have different visions of retirement.
My notion is no more work, no more rules, no more schedules. When I retired, I gave away all my business suits, except a black one for funerals and a blue one for weddings. All my white button-down shirts were put into charity clothing bins. I downsized my life.
My wife’s idea of retirement is different. She stopped working at her primary job, but immediately filled up her days with new activities and responsibilities. That by itself would be fine, except she feels compelled to do everything herself. She doesn’t have to. I’ve offered to do many of the things she does, but she refuses to give up control.
One phrase she continues to use is “got to.” She’s constantly saying, “I’ve got to….” The result is increased stress and less enjoyment for her, me and our son. I tell her to change the wording to “I want to,” since there are very few things she really has to do. This just leads to arguments. Then I remember that I should pick and choose my fights. I shut up.
We all have “got to,” “need to” and “want to” in our lives. The more “got to” and “need to” that we pack into our retirement, the less relaxed we’ll be.
Yes, we all need motivation. Thinking “I’ve got to” can be a great motivator. “I’ve got to get my grandkids from school” may bring purpose to our retirement.
Yes, there are certain things we all have to do. Got to catch the train. Got to pick up the dry cleaning. Got to finish that report today. Got to pay the taxes. Got to take the required minimum distributions from the IRA. Got to pay the bills.
One partial solution: To the extent we can, we should put our financial life on autopilot, such as arranging to pay our utility bills, credit card bills and property taxes automatically. That reduces the number of “got to” demands on our time and replaces them with “that’s taken care of.”
Many people feel the need to have a full “dance card,” perhaps because they worry about being bored. Yet they also get anxious knowing there are so many things to do, and they aren’t sure when and how they’ll get it all done. They fill their life with “got to.” If this is what they truly want, great. If not, maybe they need to reduce the number of “got to” tasks in their life.
I’ve eliminated some “got to” items that I don’t enjoy. Meanwhile, with others, I try to automate them or space them out. Having more time to do necessary activities makes them more enjoyable—or, at least, that’s what I’ve found.
” she feels compelled to do everything herself “. What exactly is ” everything “? I used to ask my wife what she would like me to do around the house. Invariably the answer was ” nothing”. I finally realized it wasn’t controlling behavior on her part, but lack of initiative on my part. So now I see something that needs doing, I’ll do it, (maybe not to my wife’s exacting standards😉). She hasn’t objected yet!
I’ve certainly downsized my work wardrobe. However, I ran into a few roadblocks.
I had a lot of excellent quality suits, jackets and slacks. I tried to give them away. Even the employment-assistance groups that helped veterans, or helped former prisoners, or helped the poor didn’t want them – they already had too many. Eventually, they wound up at the top of a pile at a couple of places that reluctantly acceded to my begging.
I wound up keeping a few suits and a few collared shirts that I liked and that I convinced myself I would use. I haven’t used them more than once or twice a year. I will soon cull them again.
I had lots of really comfortable and high quality wool socks for work. I couldn’t part with many of them. I now have one recurring use for them. They get used these days for “sock snowball” fights with my grandkids.
I now hate wearing pants with a belt, and have grown to love those “activewear slacks” that stretch a lot. I tend to wear long sleeve tee shirts (for sheer comfort and to protect against skin cancer), covered by Polarfleece when it is cold. More often, I am wearing just gym shorts and tee shirts in anticipation of going to Planet Fitness at some point in my day.
But I have succeeded in clearing out more than half of my clothing.
(Now I need to turn to clearing out my old tax returns dating back to when I first got working papers, and copies of what I thought were important articles, speeches, briefs and the like that I also thought were worth keeping for my kids and grandkids to peruse. Age has taught me they aren’t – and my kids and grandkids won’t. (Maybe I’ll scan a few, just in case…. ha ha.) Just don’t ask me about all the valuable books I have in my bookcases.)
I believe more and more in low maintenance in retirement, for myself as well as my yard. Uncluttering is a process that moves in steps. I feel more free by the month.
I agree with Dr. Lefty’s comments below, your wife probably doesn’t want to cede what you describe as ‘control’ as given your attitude towards ‘no work, rules or schedules’ in retirement, she doesn’t know when or if anything will ‘get done’ in retirement and that you’re likely to blow up at her if she even mentions that anything needs to ‘get done’. She’s not even pushing you to do anything it seems as she’s probably been doing everything all along in addition to working outside the home. You sound kind of grumpy to live with & that you’re not happy in retirement unless everyone in your house is doing it your way, i.e. doing nothing. If that was the case the house would become filthy & there would be no good home cooked meals which are time consuming to prepare. I wonder if you even do the dishes or helped with any of this while you were working, I doubt it. It also seems there’s a lack of appreciation towards your wife who seems to be a woman who has always stepped up to do everything to ensure her family’s well-being & comfort. Why not change your lens’ view to show some appreciation for all she’s done & continues to do for your family. Next time when she says, “I’ve got to”, why don’t you say “thanks hun, I appreciate it, let me know how I can help”. When we show appreciation to others around us for all they do, they feel appreciated, we become nicer people to be around and it even improves our own feeling of well-being.
What resonated with me in this piece was the notion of stress management in retirement and the give and take between partners. My wife knows she has a tendency to “collect” stuff but she also knows filling up rooms with it is not my idea of space utilization so we work on decluttering. I love to travel and while she does too, she has a limit as she is more of a homebody and too much travel stresses her so we try to manage the amount of travel we do. Who needs stress in retirement.
I’m with Dr. Lefty. Whether or not you intended it, this read as “my way is right and her way is wrong”. We are all different, but I see many more posters here who want or need to stay busy in retirement than those who want to kick back. Maybe it’s because the US is a majority extrovert nation, but also there is no shortage of articles advising people to stay busy and connected. To say that “she refuses to give up control” sounds unnecessarily judgmental. If she enjoys what she is doing, why should she change? Is she asking you to be more active? “I’ve got to” may read to you as a burden, but to her as something satisfying.
I see how DrLefty has his take on your article. But I choose to focus on the facts that we are all different. In marriage I’ve heard that opposites attract and it is true. I like sweets, my wife likes salty. I like pie, my wife prefers cake, etc.
When it comes to retirement she wants to always have something to do to feel her purpose. I think of it as busyness she thinks of it as purpose. I choose to have automatic payments to simplify and choose what I consider more enjoyable to proceed my feeling of purpose. Neither of us is right or wrong, but we are different
You slipped on that one Dr Left is a women.
Duly noted, thank you. I actually thought about that as I was proof reading my comment. As always I learn something new on Humble Dollar every day
David, another excellent posting!
“Choose your fights” is perfect advice to follow for many, many things in life.
Raising your children.
Discussions with your friends.
Things at work.
And, as you wrote, getting along with your life partner!
In some ways, I agree with you. One of the great joys and benefits of retirement, I assume (not quite there yet), is less responsibility and more freedom. On the other hand, there is nothing wrong with wanting some purpose and structure in your retired life.
I think, though, you could have said all that without framing it initially as “My way of doing retirement is right and my wife’s is wrong” and characterizing her as controlling. For one thing, she’s not here to tell her side of the story. Maybe she would say that your insistence on a lack of structure puts more burdens on her to carry household loads.
In any case, the negativity toward your wife detracted, in my opinion, from an otherwise thoughtful piece.
To that I would add: who does the housework in your home? who does the cooking? How are the chores split up?
Read The Joy of Missing Out from the library. I am now blissful with an open calendar!
I fully agree David. I want every possible “got to” out of my life. As the retirement years have gone by I more and more look forward to the days when there is nothing on the calendar – my wife’s – I rarely put anything on a calendar except the next golf date. That doesn’t mean I sit around the house all day, more like I do what I want and when with no schedule.
It’s called retirement I think. I do have an advantage though. My wife didn’t worked outside the home so when I retired nothing much changed for her except we did more together from travel to the mundane activity women call “shopping” something I have yet to figure out.