FREE NEWSLETTER
I CHUCKLE WHEN I read Lucille Ball’s gentle admonishment that “the secret to staying young is to live honestly, eat slowly, and lie about your age.” That’s not so easy anymore, ever since the internet outed us all.
But I’m not above using a little subterfuge. After all, forced disclosure is never comfortable. When asked how old I am, my usual reply is “any woman who will tell her age will tell anything”—a remark sometimes attributed to Mary Kay Ash.
Still, as my husband and I have advanced in age, additional economic and physical challenges have emerged. Last year was our annus horribilis—a Latin phrase most of us learned from Queen Elizabeth II. With our physical capabilities declining, we’ve needed to outsource more home maintenance, both inside and outside our home.
My most recent capitulation was to surrender my fussbudget tendencies and hire a house cleaning service. I still engage in light housekeeping—important for my brain health and sanity. But deep cleaning became an impossible chore to manage. Bringing on help is expensive. It’s all been a huge concession for me—the original do-it-yourselfer.
Regarding meals, it’s possible to prepare quick, simple, nutritious and delicious meals at home without resorting to fast food and frozen dinners. For instance, you can pack a lot into a simple omelet, and it’s ready in a flash. I like pizza, too, but the digestive system doesn’t. I keep convenience foods on hand for those days that are hectic. We’re lucky to live near a food market that prepares and emphasizes healthy prepared meals.
In earlier years, we enjoyed having the extra time to shop around for the best deals. Don’t underestimate the everyday small savings that can come from comparison shopping. I used to plan our meals, perusing the weekly food market circulars for specials and sales. But the time comes when energy lags. Now, when I food shop, I choose the market convenient to our home, regardless of economic advantage. And while online grocery shopping can be a great assist, learning to master the technology can be time consuming. What about other products? Thank goodness for Amazon.
I’ve long been accustomed to spending wisely. We didn’t get to where we are today by wasting money. Still, if I want to buy new linens, I now remind myself that I don’t need to wait for the January sales.
At this juncture, we place a high premium on comfort and convenience. It gets more expensive as time goes on, but we’ve positioned ourselves so that we don’t have to be vigilant about every penny we spend. It’s time we treated ourselves and used our savings to make life easier. There’s a payoff to past frugality and to diligent, disciplined, conservative planning.
It would be nice if the various stages in life followed an idyllic pattern, but life is an enigma. Adjustments must be made along the way, according to our capabilities or lack thereof, both physically and mentally. Meanwhile, we’ve evaluated the pros and cons of continuing care retirement communities and decided to age in place for as long as we’re able, allowing us to live in the same familiar community we’ve known for the past 37 years, and maintain a more independent way of life.
We don’t aspire to become members of the HHH club, which stands for “happy, healthy, hundred.” We’re missing the second requirement. Longevity should be beautiful, not an everyday struggle. But there’s still much to live for. I have no special talent. I’m just passionately curious. I love learning new things and hope to remain a vital, contributing member of society to the end. In a world where ageism exists and is an accepted practice, I’ll defy it for as long as I can.
Marjorie Kondrack loves music, dancing and the arts, and is a former amateur ice dancer accredited by the United States Figure Skating Association. In retirement, she worked for eight years as a tax preparer for the IRS’s VITA and TCE programs. Check out Marjorie’s earlier articles.Want to receive our weekly newsletter? Sign up now. How about our daily alert about the site's latest posts? Join the list.
Hi Marjorie. A 1954 Bay Ridge High graduate here. Celia (Herlihy). If you still have the year book look me up. You are still stunning. I can visualize you at school and describe you to a “T” if need be. LOL. Congrats on your accomplishments. I am on Facebook if you want to play catchup! Celia (Herlihy) Ewald
Celia…wonderful to hear from you. Of course I remember you. People used to get you and Cecelia Harold mixed up!
Thank you for your very nice comments. I have many sweet memories of you and it’s good to know we are still chugging along. Best regards,
Marjorie
Andrew…I hope you and your wife have many years to enjoy your kitchen renovation. As we age we do tend to spend more time at home and since it becomes our focus, it’s nice to live in attractive surroundings.
Thanks for commenting.
Marjorie,
Thanks for a very thoughful article. One thing I’ll say: if you’ve never been handy to begin with (me), there’s a lot less to turn over to professional help when you get older as they’ve already been doing it!
The decision on where to live as you age is always a tough one, and everyone’s situation is different. Like you and your hubby, my wife and I are going to stay in our home of 36 years as long as we’re able. We just finished a major kitchen remodel so we’re looking forward to staying here and enjoying it!
See above.
“Getting old ain’t for sissies.” – Bette Davis
Her quote has been often well noted. She was one of a kind.
Thanks for commenting, Mike.
I prefer the Hunter S. Thompson approach: “Life should not be a journey to the grave with the intention of arriving safely in a pretty and well preserved body, but rather to skid in broadside in a cloud of smoke, thoroughly used up, totally worn out, and loudly proclaiming “Wow! What a Ride!”
Jeff…sounds great but since Vanity is my favorite sin, I’d like to look pretty too.
😊
Marjorie – Fair enough. I like the idea of a wild ride.
I hope it works out for you, but I have the same reaction I always get when I read about couples keen to age in place.
— It may well work out for the first to go, but what about the person left behind? Are you relying on your kids, and if so, is that fair? We hear a lot about the “sandwich generation” – do you really want to be part of the sandwich? If not, how well will you cope in your 80s on your own?
— All those jobs you are starting to find burdensome will be taken care of for you at a CCRC. I had had a cleaning service and a yard service for many years, but it was a big relief to no longer be responsible for the maintenance on my house when I moved to a CCRC.
— Even if you don’t want to move now, how about an insurance policy? The wait lists for a good non-profit in my area are already long and getting longer. I ate lunch yesterday with a couple who had just moved in after being on the list for eight years. Pick one that lets you sit at the top of the list until you are ready to move – bearing in mind you usually have to be able to live independently when you move in.
Kathy..Thanks so much for commenting. I did acknowledge the fact that I wouldn’t be able to stay in our house alone, without my husband in my response to Stacey’s comments—.and he is more adamant than I am about remaining in our home. Since we have no children and only distant relatives, I would only have myself to rely on, as I have throughout my life—assuming that I’ll be the first to die. Now in our 80s we are also well beyond the sandwich generation dilemma.
when problems arise that we can’t always control, I hear so many people say “give it to God”. But I believe we also have to do our best. I hope I’ll be guided in the right direction.
I admire your grit and intelligence in taking control of your situation and look forward to hearing more about your CCRC experience.
Marjorie: my observation – anecdotal rather than scientific – is that it is usually the husband who is more enthusiastic about aging in place. This is particularly unfortunate as women tend to live longer than men. It will likely be the wife, possibly exhausted by care-giving, who will be left to deal with down-sizing and her own future needs, with possibly diminished resources.
Besides seeing a move to a CCRC as a gift to your kids, if you have them, maybe we should also be calling it a gift to your spouse.
mytimetotravel: I admire your courage to question when a couple says they’re going to “age in place”. I saw a statistic that on a recent survey 86% of people responded that they want to age in place. I think you’re too conservative when you say “women tend to live longer than men”. Social security reports that 78% of widows receiving social security are female in the population of social security recipients 65 or older. So yeah, we all know instances of men outliving their wives. I know a 80 year old man who’s lost 2 wives to cancer. But overall, 78% of widows on social security are female. That’s a fact. I think you’re doing a useful service raising this issue. Please continue.
Thanks! It’s not that I want to tell people how to live, but I do worry about the surviving spouses. I’m used to living alone and making my own decisions, but even so I found the prospect of having to find and manage in-home care, or organize a move to an assisted living facility when I was older, frailer and sick, daunting.
I agree!
Actually, I know several men, whose wives have died, who are now successfully aging in place. My husband and I are committed to staying in our house as long as possible— and we won’t burden our kids by doing it. We live in a city with excellent services to assist with aging in place. We have LTC insurance and sufficient resources to buy whatever care we need. It’s totally doable— I’ve watched several neighbors have happy lives in their homes right to the end.
Good one! If money can’t lubricate life’s squeaky joints, then what is it good for?
My hilarious mother-in-law stopped counting at her 39th birthday and for the next 50 years. I think you, Lucy, and Grace are on to something.
For a few years my wife’s been trying to get me to read a book she loves, called Younger Next Year, by Chris Crowley and Henry Lodge MD. Finally finished it so I see why she likes it…so good. They also did a Younger Next Year for Women.
David…I am definitely going to seek out that book! The one thing that hasn’t failed me yet is my sense of humor. I am my best source of entertainment, and just a tad short of devilish too. It’s definitely a booster.
Thanks for sharing your humor.
I’m pleased aging in place is working out for you both.
My parents and in-laws defaulted to aging in place. For the latter, it worked out ok, they died in their eighties in 2021, within six months of each other. Three of the eight children bought the family homestead, sparing my husband, the executor, from having to dispatch all their furnishings. That was a relief, as we had spent plenty of angst-filled hours on paperwork and siblings’ emotions. Note to spouses– always have your spouse as an owner on FL property, otherwise sorting it out after death becomes very expensive.
My parents’ aging in place has been rockier. My dad hasn’t been home since early 2023 and now resides in assisted living, when he’s not in the hospital or a rehabilitation center. Mom is chugging along, but is now lonely and heavily dependent on her two lovely daughters. My main duties are financial, as well as some food prep & chaufeuring to church, to dad’s many doctor appointments, or to his current rehab location. This evolving situation is one of the many reasons I retired last year. Had they picked a retirement community a few years ago, I believe they both would be in better mental and physical condition. Now emptying their home looms large for all parties.
So why do I share all this? Our parents’ choices have delineated that we will not age in place in our current home. Instead, we will downsize in ten to fifteen years in our mid-seventies, hopefully to a mid-sized city with dependable transit, (DC sometimes comes to mind). We have three sons in different states and thus do not have the luxury of leaning on our children for daily needs. Our health will determine if there is an additional move. Our LTC policies will be ready to be utilized.
Stacey, thank you for taking the time to share your story with us. I can truly empathize. We had so many caregiving responsibilities as well with both sets of parents as my husband’s severely disabled brother.
It would be a different story for us if I didn’t have my husband. I’d never be able to stay in our house by myself. As it stands now we try to help each other —and our community and friends are all we know.
you are smart to be thinking of implementing a different lifestyle in your 70s.
Marjorie, your statement that “There’s a payoff to past frugality and to diligent, disciplined, conservative planning” is something we are now realizing as well. I’m just grateful to have lived long enough for the payoff.
Dan, your comments ring true. When I feel down I try to think of all the blessings I’ve been given. I hope you’ll have a long time to enjoy your new home and your audio room you recently wrote about.
Great article Marjorie’s. Keep on raging against the dying of the light.
Rick…If I have half the enthusiasm you have in all your endeavors I’ll have the ability to keep on going. Even coping with serious illnesses, we have a choice to be miserable or try to wring out as much happiness as we can for the remaining days of our lives.
I’m with you Majorie, we seasoned citizens need to stick together.
The cleaning people are coming at nine and I’m getting out of the house to play golf. Connie is having lunch with a friend.
Still enjoy cooking though- most of the time, but I long ago gave up outside work and inside DIY. Nothing to do with age though, just a deep seated dislike. Now in a 55+ condo I don’t have to worry about that in any case. Our vacation home was always on cruise control.
You hit the nail on the head, having the funds to live as you like in retirement is the key.
Dick, you seem to have the ideal retirement and even more enviable you appear to be in good health—a blessing money can’t buy.
That said, no matter what our circumstances are, having a retirement nest egg does give us choices.
Thank you for your thoughtful comments…happy golfing.
You may be defiant, but your article also speaks of a healthy acceptance. Aging is inconvenient, and sometimes a little scary. I hope you keep adjusting, as you say, and keep writing.
Ed, thank you for your support and encouragement, and for your always appropriate comments.
I’m sure that in your work as a physical therapist you brighten many a day for your clients.
I try. But there’s a reciprocity at work—many of my patients also brighten my day.