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MY WIFE CONSTANTLY reminds me that I promised to get her a dog when we purchased our first home. Problem is, it turns out that I’m allergic to most animals with fur, so that promise fell through. Indeed, all too often, the only animal in the doghouse is me.
Many moons ago, as a cash-strapped student working toward my PhD thesis, I purchased plastic roses as a Valentine’s Day gift for my fiancée. The salesperson sold me on the fact that they’d never die and always retain that beautiful bright red color. The deal was sealed when I learned they were half the cost of a dozen fresh, long-stemmed roses.
As you might imagine, my future wife wasn’t as enamored with the hydrocarbon-based version. She stated that “plastics” might be fine for The Graduate, but not for a graduate student trying to make a good impression on his betrothed. I committed to taking her to dinner and a show. Lesson learned: A foolish penny saved today can often cost a dollar tomorrow.
For our second wedding anniversary, on the suggestion of another erudite salesperson, I bought my wife a small kitchen countertop appliance. It was an Atlas hand-crank pasta maker, ergonomically elegant and chrome-plated, complete with adjustments for noodle thicknesses and widths. The salesperson commented that, if the fettuccine turned out poorly, I could always throw it on the floor and make passionate love to my bride.
Well, you can imagine how that worked out. Her comment was to take all the linguine I could make and sleep on the couch that was located on the porch. Lucky for me, it was summer. Another lesson learned: Salespeople don’t always have your best interests at heart, especially those on commission.
Those early years of marriage went by quickly. I was traveling in the Midwest prior to one milestone wedding anniversary, and was wise enough to curtail the trip so I could fly home to celebrate the event together. I was even wise enough to know that major anniversaries are often marked with a special gift. My wife had dropped numerous hints that many of her friends were sporting anniversary diamond earrings. True to my nature, I didn’t plan ahead and hadn’t yet purchased anything to commemorate the occasion.
I scrambled to extract myself from meetings, checked the yellow pages for local jewelers, and hightailed it to the closest establishment. The salesperson clearly saw me as naïve and desperate, and helped me choose an overpriced, relatively small pair of earrings. Of course, there was also a surcharge for gift wrapping. Yet my goal was accomplished, and I left beaming from ear to ear, with a satisfied smile reserved only for those unaware they’ve been taken advantage of. Yes, my wife loved the gift, and they looked gorgeous displayed on her lobes.
A few months later, I learned that I’d paid almost double the acceptable price. For years after, I only envisioned dollars misspent when my wife wore those gems. A third lesson learned: Large impulse purchases, even when done for a good reason, often suffer because they lack research and planning.
I know I’ll continue to make similar errors in judgment. I accept that gullibility is part of my nature. Unfortunately, it seems that the older I get, the larger the errors I make. Maybe I should just go ahead and build that doghouse. Something with a kitchenette, room for a cot, and hook up for cable TV.
In olden days I worked 24 hour shifts on a busy obstetrical unit. You can imagine very few males and an abundance of female nurses. During slow times there would be gab sessions. During one of these complain-about-your-husband/boyfriend-being-inattentive marathons I said that as a younger man teaching even younger men about the manly art of wooing women, one piece of advice I gave was, “Give an unexpected gift at an unexpected time.”
Life will be good. All the ladies nodded in agreement.
Thanks for all the comments. I am traveling with my wife, with only limited bandwidth. I finally learned that experiences are the best gifts to give.
I have a wonderful color photo print of my wife kneeling next to her new Hoover Upright Vacuum on our first anniversary a very long time ago. You just have to understand that no good intention goes unpunished.,,,,,,
Enjoyed your article and came away thinking you meant well. At this point in our lives, my husband and I skip the gifts altogether and go for shared experiences, like an extravagant weekend or dinner. But we always do cards.
Same. The only time I do a gift(s) for him is if I get a brilliant idea about something he’d really like. For example, I knew he needed new headphones for longer trips since Air Pods run out of juice quickly. I picked out what I wanted to get him and watched for sales for months. Finally I scored a great deal on Black Friday, and he got the headphones a few days early for Christmas because we were traveling.
Mostly, though, we agree on something we’ll enjoy together and just do cards.
This is great. We recently completed the biggest impulse purchase of our lives, but it worked out okay. I’ll talk about it in a future article if it passes muster. In the meanwhile, google this for a hilarious video about the doghouse: Beware of the Doghouse- Hilarious!
“As you might imagine, my future wife wasn’t as enamored with the hydrocarbon-based version.”
That mention of hydrocarbon reminded me of a seasonal Washington Post headline on an Opinion piece I saw a couple of days ago:
Why giving roses on Valentine’s Day — or any day — is really a bad idea.
I can summarize the story this way:
Eighty percent of the flowers sold in the U.S. are imported, most from Colombia and Ecuador. To keep them fresh, the flowers are chilled into a dormant state and then moved to airports in refrigerated trucks. During the weeks prior to Feb. 14, more than 30 flights will move flowers from Colombia to Miami — every day. They are moved into chilled warehouses and inspected by U.S. customs, then loaded onto refrigerated trucks for delivery to U.S. stores as soon as 48 hours after being picked. … Flowers might be the perishables most damaging to the climate because nearly everything else moves by ship, which has 1 percent the carbon footprint of air freight. (The story pans roses, chrysanthemums, and carnations, which together make up the vast majority of imported flowers. It suggests U.S.-grown specialty flowers such as sunflowers, dahlias, zinnias, peonies, and snapdragons. They are more delicate and don’t travel well over long distances.)
But will your significant other buy in?
Not me!! We’ve always been a one car family, live in a neighborhood that’s highly walkable, and have spent for insulation, replacement windows etc. We’ve also never traveled on a private jet! So, yes, I love the flowers—even if they are from Trader Joe’s— and I accept them with no guilt.
All I can say is there are dogs with hair instead of fur so seek one of those out, but be sure you verify your wife still does want a dog.
I made the big gift mistake once at Christmas- that’s once😃
The good news is that after many years married, there is no longer any need for gifts, there is nothing left to buy she wants.
Yes, I was wondering about a designer “doodle” dog, too.
Mr. Quinn, I know you as a curmudgeon. So I feel safe in saying, “Maybe she wants a SURPRISE.” (I say this only to you in private here, not for her to see….)
Ah, perhaps. An unwanted dog to care for would be quite s surprise.