FREE NEWSLETTER
OPPOSITES MAY ATTRACT—but that doesn’t always make for a happy financial relationship. For instance, tightwads and spendthrifts often marry, each hoping the other will change his or her ways or perhaps provide needed balance.
But that, of course, can lead to conflict—and couples may struggle to negotiate their differences. They wind up having the same argument over and over, and nothing’s accomplished until they listen to each other and try to find common ground. Consider four common money personalities:
Avoiders are people whose eyes glaze over whenever the subject of money comes up. They’re satisfied if they know there’s enough money coming in to pay the bills. They don’t want to talk about money, and they have no interest in money management or investments.
Spendthrifts tend to spend impulsively on themselves, while also being generous with others. This category includes big-shot spenders, those who like to dish out dollars for show. They like to be seen and recognized as important.
Tightwads are frugal to a fault. They keep meticulous records of every purchase they make. Separating them from their money can actually cause them pain. Extreme tightwads can be skinflints—those for whom saving money is their life’s primary goal.
Accumulators like to save money, are careful with expenditures and never carry credit card balances. They’re forward thinkers, investing for specific goals and focusing heavily on financial security.
Do you recognize yourself or your partner in any of these four categories? You may have elements of each category but in different degrees.
My husband is a classic “avoider” when it comes to talking about and managing money, while I’m very proactive. I keep my husband informed of our financial situation on a quarterly basis, and have him review any changes to our plan. I also prepare a personal financial statement on an annual basis, so he’s aware of what we have—though I sometimes have to cajole him into taking off the horse blinders and looking at the statement I’ve prepared.
If you and your partner have a money personality mismatch, it’s important to find a system that allows you to accommodate your different viewpoints. You don’t have to accept what’s commonly called “financial infidelity,” such as being secretive about money or having secret credit cards. Such behavior is almost always found out, and that could mean the end of the marriage.
Sometimes, I’m all too aware of the imbalance between how my husband and I approach money. I’m assiduous about my recordkeeping and not much gets by me. But occasionally I slip up and sometimes I get a little overwhelmed.
Meanwhile, my husband brings a lot to our marriage, so I try to keep that in mind whenever I feel the burden of managing our household finances. He has never once balked at anything I’ve wanted to buy. His fine character more than compensates for our opposite money viewpoints. I accept his money personality and he accepts mine.
Many young couples start out laden with debt. They spend too much on the wedding, and they often come to the relationship with student loans and credit card debt. It’s hard for them to get ahead, especially when different money viewpoints are in play. But interestingly, after decades of marriage, spouses often grow more alike. The spendthrifts married to tightwads manage to find some middle ground, learning from each other over the years.
One reason so many couples struggle to talk openly about money is that they’re lacking in financial literacy. For help in creating a plan to pay down debt, or for guidance in reaching their goals, couples might go to a financial planner—which is fine if they’re in harmony. But first, it’s important to stop criticizing each other’s money perspectives and come to some agreement.
Financial compatibility can make things easier in a relationship. But it isn’t an essential element. Instead, what’s important is how we manage our differences.
Marjorie Kondrack loves music, dancing and the arts, and is a former amateur ice dancer accredited by the United States Figure Skating Association. In retirement, she worked for eight years as a tax preparer for the IRS’s VITA and TCE programs. Check out Marjorie’s earlier articles.Want to receive our weekly newsletter? Sign up now. How about our daily alert about the site's latest posts? Join the list.
Nice article, Marjorie. Thank you.
Thank you for reading, SCao and for your
compliment. It was fun to write.
This article really resonates – thank you! I am surrounded by avoiders. It does make financial mgmt easier sometimes (no power struggles or fighting over financial decisions – it’s all up to me to decide and implement.) But I also get the overwhelmed feeling or – dare I say it – resentfulness sometimes.
As the one running it all, I feel the weight of world on my shoulders. I’ve made a few mistakes over the decades and beat myself up relentlessly.
I am sometimes jealous of the spouses of HD posters. How amazing it must be to not have to care about finances and have it all taken care of by someone you trust!
While I don’t have a “partner in crime” in my real life to run ideas by or as a 2nd pair of eyes, I am grateful for sites like these that help satisfy that need.
Thank you, CJ. I can strongly relate to your dilemma. I always expected a lot of myself and pretty good in the “beating up” department too.
If you’ve only made a few mistakes over decades I’d say you are doing very well.
we can only do the best we can. Give yourself grace
Great article! I’m definitely the Accumulator. When my husband and I got married 33 years ago, he said I should manage our money since I seemed to do a better job than he. That said, since I had quit my work as an engineer to raise our two children, he often spent on himself in support of his (pricey) hobbies. If I complained, he’d say if I went back to work, there would be no problem. I never did go back as an engineer but stitched together different paid and volunteer jobs and eventually invested in real estate. We both retired this summer and things are complicated by the passing of both his parents late Spring. Now, he has to deal with their financial estate, which is still ongoing after four months despite a family trust. All his family members have been Accumulators – of stuff. He’s never come out and said it, but I suspect he’s quietly relieved that he doesn’t have to deal with our own finances as he fervently hopes for the end to dealing with his parents’ finances. I know I’m rambling a bit but I appreciate the insight of your article. I look forward to reading more.
Patricia, I have been where you are. For the first 20 years of marriage my husband managed the finances. He did a conscientious job but we weren’t meeting our goals.
While it’s not unusual for women to take care of bill paying and record keeping when it comes to the bigger picture Ike investments, taxes and insurance, it’s traditionally been the husband’s bailiwick. Things changed and we’re more relaxed now.
I hope you will get help settling the estates with the assistance of a good lawyer and the many resources available today. Good luck.
Marjorie, an interesting take on personalities. My wife is a frugal person and I’m an accumulator (after never saving anything until well into my 20s), and so it’s made a good match for 35 years. These tendencies seem to last our entire lives unless some major life event or epiphany changes your views.
Patrick..a lot of truth in what you say. In fact, rather than change, many of us just become more ingrained in our tendencies. Still, maturity does mellow out one’s attitude.
A friend recently shared with me one interesting example of how lifelong attitudes about money—and marriage—can suddenly change.
My friend and her husband have both been earners/accumulators for their whole marriage. The husband recently had serious heart surgery right after his 70th birthday. His recovery was tougher than expected and the whole incident, according to my friend, has turned her husband into a “live for today” spendthrift, suddenly booking a first-class European vacation and joining an expensive country club (dragging her along). They’ve been having a lot of arguments over their diverging feeling about money. She told me that she is so alarmed that he’ll spend through their savings, leaving her with not enough in her old age, that she’s started secretly siphoning off some money into her personal savings account.
I strongly suspect that these two are quite well off and that she may have some false fears. So I butted in and asked her if she knew what their total net worth was. When she said, Not really, I suggested she figure it out. After that, for her peace of mind, she could do a rough income/outgo budget for the next 25 years. Once that portion of the nest egg is cordoned off, then the two of them could carve out a nice hunk of the remaining money designated for them both to have some guilt-free fun, together and separately, if need be. Once you understand that you’re truly okay money-wise, I asked, why not let your husband do what makes him happy?
And if she figures out that the situation ISN’T okay, she could have a realistic conversation with her husband. Hopefully, no more fear-based arguments or secret siphoning!
That is GREAT advice.
Dana, I may be going out on a limb here. Concern for a friend’s problem is natural. I learned sometime ago, however, to refrain from getting too involved in a friend’s personal problems.
There are just too many factors we may not be aware of and often the person seeking counsel does not fully understand the problem themselves.
Sometimes friends just want a sympathetic ear.
Great article. As I read each personality type, certain people I’ve known came to mind. My wife and I are both accumulators. I think we have always been on the same page regarding money matters in our 49+ years of marriage. In fact even before we were married we drew up a budget to live on. I knew I had a keeper 🙂
Jerry..your comments are heartwarming. Sounds like your wife has a keeper in you too.
much happiness to you both.
Excellent article. I am an accumulator and my husband an avoider (he says because his parents fought about money when he was young ). Fortunately we have never fought about money and our two styles have blended well.
Thanks for your positive comments, Paula.
Marjorie,
I enjoyed this and it hits home for my wife (the spender) and me (the saver). But we have 36 happy years together and, as you say, some modest change and compromise is possible, and that has worked for us.
Wish you another 36 happy years, Andrew. The one nice thing about being married to a spender is that my husband is always encouraging me to buy things for myself
I used to write newsletters for my clients when I had my tax prep business. Money personalities was one of my favorite topics. Sadly I found that the people who could benefit the most from this discussion (the Avoiders and Spendthrifts IMO) were the least likely to pay attention.
This is a great article, if I were still doing newsletters I would ask your permission to post it in its entirety.
How very gracious of you, Dan. Thank you for your kind comments.
I can surely relate Majorie. We are an Avoider and an Accumulator only I am the Accumulator in our marriage. It has worked well for 55 years.
I cannot recall any major arguments over money. Sometimes my wife will suggest that we need or should buy this or that. I object, the matter is closed – then I mull it over and conclude she is right so we spend the money.
The thing is we trust each other knowing in the end neither will do anything that will harm us individually or combined.
Your willingness to work together with respect and understanding is the key here, Dick
Thanks for your courteous input
Thank you, Marjorie. It is refreshing to hear from another woman who is their own household CFO. I seem to be an accumulator but my husband balances that out so that we can enjoy life now instead of saving it all for our later years!
I think you found the key, Jamie. Thanks for your comments
Early in our marriage, my wife and I had some minor friction over my tightwad tendencies and her desire to spend a little. We worked it out, mostly by writing very specific amounts to be set aside for essential saving and buying. This budget is our written agreement of how to use our money, and is the basis of our money discussions. We hardly talk about our own money these days.
It all does seem to meld together with a little give and take. Thanks Edmund