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I stole the idea for this essay from our very own Mr Quinn and in particular from a short reply I gave him. Sorry about that, Richard.
Have you ever thought about how your view of wealth shifts depending on who’s around you? I have, and my experience with two different homes offers a peek into the complex world of social comparison. I’ve found that contentment isn’t about what you have, but the context you see it in.
At my permanent home I’m probably at the top end of the wealth gradient amongst my friends and social circle . Despite this, I really don’t sense any envy from my friends. Our friendships are deep and built on shared history and respect. Far beyond bank balance envy. Money just isn’t the main focus, shared interest and real connection is. As for my neighbours, I don’t know them well enough to guess where I stand.
The eye opener is my holiday home. Here, everything flips. I’m probably near the bottom of the wealth gradient. Many have third and fourth homes in different countries and some have large motor yachts to boot. One keeps a home near me so they simply have a base for golf. Their perceived wealth is slightly beyond my imagination. But the simple truth is I genuinely have no envy of their more affluent lives.
This lack of jealousy on my part is perhaps surprising. Especially since I socialise with them regularly. We share BBQs, enjoy golf together and conversation flows easily. The connections aren’t about matching financial status, they’re about shared experience and having a bit of fun together. I see and hear in their conversations the observed and implicit wealth and think to myself “good for them” without wanting it for myself.
My “two wealth worlds” highlight a key idea: social comparison. We naturally compare ourselves to others, and this hugely impacts how content we feel. My situation shows that simply changing who you compare yourself to completely shifts your view of your own financial situation.
It does highlight that real happiness and social ties aren’t just about money. At home, my strong relationships rise above wealth differences. At my holiday home, genuine interests and a relaxed setting create friendship not overshadowed by the large financial disparity between us.
Ultimately, this short essay is about the huge power of perspective. Being content with money isn’t always about getting more, but about how you relate to what you have and, critically, how you relate to those around you. Understanding that our view of wealth is all about context can lead to more gratitude and better relationships, no matter where you are on the financial ladder.
Heard a great piece recently – your reference class is a more important than your actual wealth when it comes to satisfaction.
There was a study done on HENRYs (High Earners Not Rich Yet) and it found that one of the best predictors of future wealth was social indifference and that “gratitude” was the comparison killer.
Dr Daniel Crosby.
But if everyone in your neck of the woods is stealth wealth, it’s hard to say. Here at our 55+ village, we have very little insight into our neighbor’s financial status.
Mark, your essay is thoughtful and offers a perspective that I have noticed in my own experience. Like you, we have lived in our primary home (of 44 years) in a suburban neighborhood in Northern New Jersey. We raised our family there and spent our working careers commuting from here and being friends with our neighbors who were of similar means and doing the same. There was little thought about wealth or status.
Eight years ago we purchased a 2nd home, a condo at the Jersey shore for spending summers with our kids and grandkids. Over this time we have met many of our neighbors in our condo community, many of whom also have this as a 2nd home. Many are doctors and have homes in other places as well. Being among these neighbors and friends who have become some of our best friends, gives us perspective of how well we have done. No one really compares themselves, but we all seem to feel fortunate for having the homes and social connections this community has afforded us at this stage of our lives. Not envious at all.
One of my favorite books of all time is John Bogle’s “Enough”. Clearly you read it too.
Mark, It’s perspective and relative comparisons as well.
We can be wealthy in our own circles and pretty average overall. Our vacation home is valued at about $800,000. Sounds pretty good until you know property a mile away just sold for $29 million. Now I feel I have a shack.
Our condo in NJ would sell for around $900,000, but the average selling price in our town this May for a house was $1.4 million.
I complain about property taxes of $13,500, but the average property tax in the town next to us is $20,000.
I am fortunate to have two homes, two of my golfing buddies have three. I play golf on public county courses with a senior discount. A friend belongs to a private club.
And so it goes. But no matter what, there is still someone out there envious of you.
I’m sure there is, but I haven’t really encountered it. The closest I can truly think of was just after I announced to my staff I’d sold the business and was retiring. A few weeks later, one of my employees, in his early 30s, groused that I was so lucky and he wished it was him, speculating he’d be working until 70 at the earliest. I responded by saying I would give him all my money if he could make me his age. Everything is relative, and it depends on your perspective 😉
Doesn’t sound like much is different between the US and Ireland in that regard.
This is a true story.
One Sunday at church, the pastor called the children forward for the children’s lesson.
He asked all the blond-haired, blue-eyed kids to sit on one side of the aisle, and everyone else to sit on the other side.
Then, he handed out M&M’s—but only to the blond, blue-eyed children.
Turning to the group, the pastor asked, “Is this fair?”
A little blond girl immediately shouted, “No! This isn’t fair!”
With a sparkle in his eye—pleased that someone had caught the point—the pastor leaned in and asked, “Why do you think this isn’t fair?”
The girl looked him straight in the eye, then turned to glance at the girl next to her and declared indignantly:
“Because you gave her three M&M’s and I only got two!”
Mark, you had me at “I’ve found that contentment isn’t about what you have, but the context you see it in”.
We spent some time as full-time RVers. That would get raised eyebrows from time to time. We owned three. Two stationary, but relocatable in different parts of the U.S. and a Class B for transport. There was also our 3 bedroom condo, but we seldom lived there. We gave up attempting to explain our lifestyle and the incentives of travel. It was perplexing to some and incomprehensible to others; we could live anywhere so why do this?. Now that we have only two RVs and a home we have been normalized. However, our fellow Travellers and resort dwellers understand perfectly.
Yes there’s wealth then there’s WEALTH. Our neighbor has her pool cleaned 3 times a week because she doesn’t like automated pool cleaners, and she has her yard done 3 times a week so it always has that fresh cut look. On top of that, she bought the lot behind her so there would never be a house there with windows where you could see into her house and yard.
Hopefully you’re not bothered by leaf blowers. Our new neighbors squeezed a pickleball court into the backyard.