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In a recent post about a child who doesn’t seem to have it all together, Molly McIlhenny reminded us that kids are likely more savvy than we give them credit for. That got me thinking about my younger self. Maybe my story can help in some small way.
I have always had a good work ethic. You can ask my high school sweetheart if you like. She would get so frustrated because I would often pick up extra hours at the supermarket and destroy whatever plans we had made. Perhaps that’s why she dumped me.🤔
School was a different story. My work ethic did not transfer to school work. I know you can’t tell by the brilliance of my posts, but I was in the bottom quartile of my graduating class. I once joked that I didn’t know the difference between a pronoun and a participle, an adjective or an adverb…. I actually don’t know the difference.
I just wasn’t firing on all cylinders; I was a hard worker, but also a lazy student.
How would my life be different had I buckled down in school? If only I read the accounting textbook instead of eating the pages, I might have begun my tax business in 1975, rather than in 2005. I would have had an accounting degree, enabling me to expand my business beyond tax preparation. As it was, every time I had an opportunity to keep the books for a small business, I ended up referring them to my friend Julie, an Enrolled Agent (EA). I sent Julie dozens of good clients. I would have earned much more money and avoided the physical maladies from the more brutal occupation that I chose.
Nothing would please me more than having my tale of woe help a youngin who is channeling my past. I eventually succeeded despite the obstacles I created for myself, still, the lack of a work ethic in school carried with it a 30-year opportunity cost.
Twelve, sixteen or more years of school seems like a long time to a kid, but we know it is not much time at all. The long-term payoff of education can be difficult for a young person to see in the moment. Education equals opportunity, young people need to make the most of it.
I’m sure my folks worried for my future, but I turned out okay, your kids probably will as well. 😁
Thanks Dan. That was a wonderful and different sort of post. 🙂
Most of us have learned from mistakes we have made in the past. We would be pleased if only others, especially our children would learn some of those lessons from us, without the need to make similar mistakes themselves and then learn them the hard way.
Reminds me of when my big brother started driving. He was a one man wrecking ball when it came to cars. Tickets, accidents, bald rear tires…. I actually did learn from his mistakes. Other than that, like Winston says below, I made plenty of my own.
Same here!
Our children MAY not make OUR mistakes.
But who is to say they won’t make their own, different mistakes?
I’m sure they will!
I wonder how that would relate to a wonderful, loving, highly intelligent child accepted into a private school that targets the top 5% whose destructive path began early. A near literal switch clicked and bang: refusing school by age 11 and disappearing for days at a time by 12. The police were a near-constant presence, appearing at the door almost weekly, seeking a description of what she was wearing.
The escalation of violence was rapid. She committed her first assault on a police officer before 13. At the same age, she violently shoved her mother through a window, necessitating the father’s restraint until the police could arrive to arrest her. A high court judge ruled she was “beyond parental control”, leading to a three-month incarceration in a child secure unit.
Upon release, the behaviors intensified. Her father twice found her on the brink of death from heroin overdose in squalid squats, after searching for her through the dangerous, murky underworld of party and drug dens. Rushing her to the hospital, he prayed she would survive. At least the second time he had a Naloxone auto injector to use before rushing to hospital.
This culminated in a pregnancy, and she had a child before the age of 15. In an act of profound abandonment, she left the baby on a kitchen table for four hours before anyone realized. She then went partying for a week, and when the child was removed and placed in the care of the grandparents, she was left wondering what all the fuss was about.
I suppose I should draw the line there, after summarizing just the first four years of parental hell.
The full chronicle spans another ten years, a period where the landscape only became bleaker, the darkness intensifying before it began to lift. For over a decade, the situation consistently worsened, pushing us deeper into a state of black hopelessness.
And yet, here we are today, a daughter in regular contact, dealing with bipolar, ADHD and a host of other mental issues and a recent cancer survivor. She’s living independently in a rental provided and furnished by us. We’re going to celebrate Christmas together. We don’t have to stalk her through social media to reassure ourselves she’s alive and well.
I am now delighted with unbelievable happiness because our biggest source of friction is only a disagreement over financial advice found on TikTok. That, for me, represents a vast and hopeful improvement. Where there was once only a bleak landscape of black despair, I can finally see a tiny, persistent hint of light flickering in the distance. It is a hard-won peace that makes the past seem almost survivable, knowing where we stand now. So I guess, our kids can be alright…eventually…always persist, never lock the door even if it needs to be temporarily closed on occasion.
Holy sh*t. That story made the hair on the back of my neck stand up. More power to you and your wife for having the intestinal fortitude to carry through and keep a relationship going and growing. It’s also fortunate that you have the resources to support her through this. My thoughts are with you as you negotiate and travel this “hard-won peace”.
Thanks Mark for the extraordinarily open and honest account. I can only imagine the enormous challenge this created.
No matter how optimistic I am, I certainly need to remember that many individuals still have enormous hurdles in life.
More power to you.
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Mark, that was the deepest and most personal post that I’ve ever read on HD. Please know that I never meant to discount your and Suzie’s relationship with your daughter. Bipolar disorder is a monster. Your unconditional love and support is paramount to your daughters wellbeing.
Dan, I never thought that for one second. I was just giving an extreme personal example to support and augment your contention that eventually our kids will work out okay.
Thanks for your story, Mark, and the hope in it. We have an adult daughter with mental illness and have had our own journey. We also provide her with an apartment and much other support, but we worry greatly for her future after we are gone.
It takes incredible courage to support a difficult child, Clare, and I know how isolating and draining that journey can be. But even when it feels joyless, remember that your love and support are a lifeline. We have to be thankful for the strength we have to keep showing up, because there is always hope for a brighter tomorrow.
Wow. What a terrible journey. Many congratulations to all of you for making it through.
I agree Dan. I think the kids will be fine.
My wife notes that ancient Romans complained about youth. Every generation complains about how the kids are no good. If that was really true, we would have all devolved into slugs. But instead we have created new technologies, better medicines, better homes, faster transport etc.
Having employed several young men and still regularly playing sport with young people less than 1/2 my age, I’m really optimistic.
Thanks, Greg.
I don’t know what the 60s and 70s were like in Australia, but in the US, we were a bunch of long haired freaky people. Most of us turned out okay.
I started going bald at about 18, so never got my long haired freak stage.
Dan, I enjoyed this and I can relate to it as well, but I wonder when the sensitive comment police will start complaining about the lack of money or retirement connection? Maybe those comments only appear for certain people 😎
Thanks, Dick, that question was in my brain as I wrote this one. I decided that this post was not unlike my first article (Beer to Taxes), which was edited by Jonathan, and well received by the masses. I know my post has nothing to do with investing or managing a portfolio, still, I contend that it is a topic that is on the mind of many readers that have kids and grand-kids. We worry for and love our offspring, and I hope that I can provide a bit of comfort, and maybe some encouragement to parents, grandparents, and even some of the kids.
Anyone following HumbleDollar needs to know that I’m not the guy that’s going to provide lots of technical content about portfolios and such. If that’s what they are looking for, they may want to skip my posts, and go directly to Adam Grossman, Jonathan, and others much more qualified than I for such advice. I’ve learned so much from those guys.
I hope others find my stuff entertaining and at least a tad useful.
I agree.
i agree so much with what you wrote especially about education. If it was up to me I would have skipped college but thanks to my mother’s insistence, I did go and like you I got my Econ/accounting degree. My mother said to me that we came to this country for you to educate yourself not to work in restaurants.
for young people I have advice that I wish someone would have given me:
Nick,
Those are 3 pieces of excellent advice!
Winston
Thanks, Nick.
I’ve got items 1 and 3 under control. I don’t wanna talk about number 2.
Yep, I couldn’t read item 2. For some reason it was all blurry. 😉
Oh yeah, kind of like when my cellphone starts breaking up….