Lesson Four From Taking Care of a 102 yo in Her Last Year of Life- The Final Hours of Life Can be Beautiful

Unfortunately I have had a lot of experience in this realm. In an 18 month period during 2017-18. I first lost my twin brother at 59 years old; then almost 1 year later my father, and six months after that my mother each on one side or another of 85. Unfortunately all of them suffered from some type of dementia. As a result at the time of their passing we were unable to communicate with them. With my brother I remember sitting at his bedside thinking, can he hear us, does he know what’s happening (unlikely), or ie suffering?Another type of suffering can occur when one of the surviving siblings can make the final hours intolerable due to their behavior. I was not present at the final passing of my mother. The evening of her passing I could no longer tolerate the tension, broke down and told my wife,”I can’t go through this again”, and we left thinking that we would get a call if time was getting short, as my father’s passing took days. At 2 am the following morning I received a call from that family member that she had died. When I asked what happened the family member, “she was dying!”

Fast forward to this March and my mother in law was declining rapidly. Luckily the day before she passed despite being over 103 years old she was able to communicate with us and when we left around dinner time she thanked my wife and I for caring for her in her final decade including welcoming her into our home for the final year. It was definitely her saying goodbye. The night before her passing I could not sleep and after a half hour in bed I decided to head to the hospital to be with her, arriving just after midnight. When her condition would change I was able to immediately notify the nurses who would make her comfortable. The atmosphere was totally different from that of my family members’ last hours as it was very peaceful. My wife and daughter arrived in the early morning we reminisced, laughed, and cried. Less than three hours later her passing was dignified and peaceful, just what I had longed for with my family members.

Unfortunately, or fortunately I went through another dignified and peaceful passing of my uncle four days later with my aunt and two cousins and spouses.

My plea to HD readers is when you are I such a situation at the end of the life of a loved one please take into account that there are others around, that the process of watching a loved one pass is different for each individual, and try to make the event respectful and peaceful for all those involved.