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Unfortunately I have had a lot of experience in this realm. In an 18 month period during 2017-18. I first lost my twin brother at 59 years old; then almost 1 year later my father, and six months after that my mother each on one side or another of 85. Unfortunately all of them suffered from some type of dementia. As a result at the time of their passing we were unable to communicate with them. With my brother I remember sitting at his bedside thinking, can he hear us, does he know what’s happening (unlikely), or ie suffering?Another type of suffering can occur when one of the surviving siblings can make the final hours intolerable due to their behavior. I was not present at the final passing of my mother. The evening of her passing I could no longer tolerate the tension, broke down and told my wife,”I can’t go through this again”, and we left thinking that we would get a call if time was getting short, as my father’s passing took days. At 2 am the following morning I received a call from that family member that she had died. When I asked what happened the family member, “she was dying!”
Fast forward to this March and my mother in law was declining rapidly. Luckily the day before she passed despite being over 103 years old she was able to communicate with us and when we left around dinner time she thanked my wife and I for caring for her in her final decade including welcoming her into our home for the final year. It was definitely her saying goodbye. The night before her passing I could not sleep and after a half hour in bed I decided to head to the hospital to be with her, arriving just after midnight. When her condition would change I was able to immediately notify the nurses who would make her comfortable. The atmosphere was totally different from that of my family members’ last hours as it was very peaceful. My wife and daughter arrived in the early morning we reminisced, laughed, and cried. Less than three hours later her passing was dignified and peaceful, just what I had longed for with my family members.
Unfortunately, or fortunately I went through another dignified and peaceful passing of my uncle four days later with my aunt and two cousins and spouses.
My plea to HD readers is when you are I such a situation at the end of the life of a loved one please take into account that there are others around, that the process of watching a loved one pass is different for each individual, and try to make the event respectful and peaceful for all those involved.
Condolences for all you have experienced so recently, David. Thank you for your posts and wise advice. My comment certainly is tangential to this post, as it comes in response to your related post which is now closed to comment.
I still correspond regularly with my soon to be 101 year old high school English teacher. She was very influential in my schooling and finding her in later life has been a treasure. Ever articulate even in declining health, her letters often touch on deeper meanings, poetry, and literature. Amazing to me is her abiding interest in the political direction of our nation so clearly expressed in writing. I would have predicted that interest in current events would ebb with age, but it has not. Perhaps this is a part of ourselves most difficult to change.
Thanks, David for your posts on one of the deepest personal subject for all of us as we are all getting older and approaching our later days.
My family is about half way around the world from my birth place, so when my sister called to tell me our dad who was about 97 and dying from kidney failure may not made it through the night, I was sadden and the only prayer I could utter was to ask God “to hold on”. I want to be there at his side to hold his hand. Even in a coma, he heard my sister’s voice & he held on until I could get there within 24 hours time. It was such a blessing to hold his hand and hug him, and within the same hour he was gone. Thanks be to God.
When my mom passed away at 80, it was a long, slow decline. During her final days we had many family members saying their goodbyes. At her passing, we had a 2day vigil with 8 of us, including her sister and all of us kids at her passing. 5 years later my father passed away suddenly at his assisted living facility with no family members present. I still feel guilty that none of us were there at his passing, though my last visit with him was with my 3 sons. That was a blessing.
I missed the opportunity to be with both my dad and mom when they passed. I took off work and cared for my dad the last week of his life. He had lung cancer and had declined rapidly after starting chemo. Even so, neither I nor anyone else expected him to die so quickly. I left his home on Saturday morning and drove to my home, 3 hours away. I learned Sunday that he was hospitalized, and I received a call at work on Monday afternoon from a nurse explaining he had died. I was shocked as were my mother and sisters at how quickly he had gone. Had I known his end was imminent I would have stayed with him.
My mom died 22 years later. She was in a SNF 3 hours away from me. I visited her every week for many months. She was declining slowly, but everyone, including the doctors and nurses did not think the end was near. The last time I visited, one of my sisters who had been estranged from our mom came to visit with her children and grandchildren. I am sure that was a blessing to my mom, and may have given her peace to leave this earth. I got a call around midnight that night that she had died. Had I any inkling that the end was that near, I would have stayed.
I am sad I was not there either time but I was blessed to be with both of them a lot in their final days.
David, thanks for sharing this with us. Your final advice is excellent. I’m sure the memories generate a myriad of feelings, some painful and many happy.
I was lucky enough to be present at the passing of both my parents, and both of my in-laws. These people helped and cared for me and my family for many years, and I feel fortunate that I was able to help and care for them in some small way at their hour of need. It was hard a t times, but I have no regrets. I feel blessed.
Well said, David. It’s a gift to be with a loved one when they pass, even if it’s quite sudden as it was for me with both my husband and my father. It’s also true that some people, when they know they are dying, prefer to wait until family members have left the room. My mom, who died one year ago this week, waited until my daughter said her final goodbye, then passed a few minutes later as my sister and partner were saying goodbye to my daughter. I’m sure I’ve previously recommended the book “Final Gifts,” a collection of anecdotes about the messages dying people give to loved ones, written by two hospice nurses.
Nine years ago I sat next to my dying wife in peace and a darkened room holding her had. Just Sandy and I. Her last communication was a goodbye rub of her finger on my hand. I think I felt her soul depart. Quiet and thankful for the almost 50 years. The moment did not have to be shared by us. I am thankful it wasn’t.
David, you are correct in expressing that grief can be a deeply personal thing—when one sibling takes a leading role in the care of the loved one, others may feel left out or that their grief is not being acknowledged.Not everyone takes a selfless attitude, unfortunately.
So sorry for your loss. How proud you and your wife must be of your unwavering love and unstinting support for her mother.
Thanks for your post. I’ll also say “AMEN”. We lost my mother three years ago at 100 and my mother-in-law this January at 100. For me the final weeks were remarkably different. One got to pass peacefully; the other was encouraged to eat and drink and sit up when all they wanted was to be left alone and be comfortable in their final days and hours. She was ready to pass; they weren’t ready to let her pass.
Reaching acceptance that a family member is dying is difficult to absorb. . My mother died at 98 troubled with dimentia. My husband put his arm around me and said “she’s tired”. Simple words that finally struck home.
David, thanks for sharing the words of warning. Stress can bring out the best or the worst in people, or just generate feelings that erupt over the nearest bystander. I’m sorry you were placed in the position of learning that first-hand, but it seems you’ve gained a helpful perspective.