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I want to thank all forum members who commented on my last post about helping my adult son and his new wife. Last night, my wife and I applied all of the lessons to have “the talk” with my son, his wife and my daughter over an impromptu family dinner at our house. Just a quick background for context and then back to the conversation. My daughter lives in Maryland, some 3.5-4.0 hours away. My son also lives south of us about 2.5 hours away. Unless we drive to them, it is not often we are all together. What brought us together last night was the death of my MIL, who died peacefully at 97. Tired and emotionally drained, we decided to order in food for dinner rather than going out. It set the stage for a very healthy and productive conversation about money. As fortune would have it, my son and daughter in law opened the conversation by telling us that they had stopped to look at a few houses on their drive up. They were all excited and a little nervous by the experience and the potential reality of owning their own home. We listened and probed (gently). When the topic switched to mortgages, down payments, etc. I used one of the HD lessons to ease into the conversation. I told them how proud we are of them for taking this big step on their own. I also said that while I understand and respect their desire to do things on their own, that I wanted them to know that we are in the fortunate position to help them and would very much like to offer our support. Initially they were gracious, but clearly hesitant. So my wife jumped in with “the offer they couldn’t refuse”. She will be inheriting a rather large sum of money from her mother, and before she passed they talked about her desire to help her grandchildren financially. She also added in that we are both of the mindset to want to see our kids benefit from our financial well-being while we are still alive. In the end, I do not know whether they will take the money or how much, but we felt fully armed with all of the tools to have the conversation we needed to have, in large part thanks to the wisdom and generosity of the HD community. I imagine this is what Jonathan was hoping for when he launched this site. Thank you again.
i believe in your initial post, you expressed some disappointment in your son deciding to strike out on his own rather than live in a property you owned. In this post, you and possibly your wife, seem to have moved on from that position. I think that’s truly an important familial benefit — regardless of whether your son and his wife accept the down payment help. Sometimes it’s hard to accept our adult children’s decisions when we think we “know best.”
You have a good memory! You are 100% correct that I was not seeing the positive aspects of my son and DIL wanting to do things on their own. After reading the comments from my last post, I re-oriented my thinking and it really helped me view their desire to be independent as a positive thing and one that we really can be proud of. With that said, I hope that they do not let this get in the way of seeking guidance and support from others, including me and my wife. We offered guidance on things to look for on inspection, negotiating the purchase price, navigating the right mortgage terms and of course to help with the downpayment. Time will tell whether they follow our guidance and accept financial support, but the conversation went about as well as we could have expected and for that I am truly grateful.
I agree that this is the spirit of HumbleDollar. Great post.
Thanks Dan!
As I have written before in 2019 we received an unexpected inheritance from my parents. We were already in fairly good shape for retirement. When we met with our fee only advisor and told him we were going to give each of our two children 10% of the inheritance as a final Christmas present from their grandparents he said what I expected a good financial advisor would say, “you should keep it all for retirement as our children were young and have years to save for their retirements.” Our response was: 1) it was an unexpected windfall, and 2) if we couldn’t fund our retirement with our, and my parents combined fund there was something wrong with us.
The effects of our generosity? My son and daughter in law used the money for a down payment on a house right around COVID taking advantage of about a 3% mortgage and before housing prices skyrocketed. My daughter paid off all her school loans and as a result she has been able to maximize her retirement contributions as a single woman.
These funds from my parents/us received in their late twenties/early thirties has had a huge effect on their lives and finances.
I am hopeful for a similar positive outcome. Somehow the financial support from a beloved grandparent was something they felt humbled and gracious to receive despite that it is basically coming from the same pool of resources. Nonetheless, we are happy that the conversation was well received.
My condolences on your family’s loss. Whatever your son decides about your offer of help, I truly believe that when he’s an old man reflecting back on his life, he will always remember with gratitude and fondness that his parents offered to help him buy his first home.
Thank you Mark. I agree, absolutely no downside to having this discussion and offering our support.
Assuring one’s financial security, and retirement security should always come first.
However, helping children and grandchildren (even when they don’t ask) is a high priority in my opinion and a great use of available funds.
Our parents were never in a position to help us, in fact the opposite, but we are in such a position and will do so as needed and beyond.
100% in agreement!
What a positive initial discussion with your adult children. Well done. Our oldest (38 yr old) and his wife own a home. Our two younger children (29 & 35) are still single and are not homeowners. We have told them that we are willing to help them purchase a condo or house when they are ready. In the meantime we have had discussions with them about having emergency funds, setting up a Roth account, and saving ~ 15% of what they earn. We check in with them about finances a couple of times each year but try to tread lightly.
Thanks for posting your story. It’s very encouraging.
Thank you for the kind words. I am truly appreciative for the input and guidance of the HD community!