Ambulatory Ambivalence

“Never cross the street when you hear an ambulance coming, it’s very dangerous, because it’s you it’s trying to run down.”

– Ernie Souchak (John Belushi), Continental Divide, 1981

I just returned from “a free, no obligation presentation on how to protect yourself from expensive emergency ambulance bills and related costs not covered by your primary insurance,” or I like to call it, a free steak.

While this may have been my 15th free one, it was very different from the prior ones, in that it did not deal with giving 1% of my assets to a financial adviser. It was presented by an outfit called Masa, which offers “a prepaid membership program providing protections for medical emergency transportation costs.” Essentially, it provides global coverage that pays all out-of-pocket air & ground ambulance, as well as hospital-to-hospital ground transportation costs not covered by insurance (e.g., Medicare, private insurance).

The presentation was given by a man who used to sell for various investment banks and who has first hand knowledge of the product, as he used it after a recent motorcycle accident. After which, he lost a kidney and his wife “lost” his motorcycle. According to an early slide in his presentation, and his (very) personal experience, ground ambulances can run upwards of $5,000 and air ambulances upwards of $50,000, with rural areas really taking it in the shorts. I then thought to myself, his wife could have saved a fair amount of money by losing his motorcycle just a little earlier.

Much of the balance of the presentation was filled with tales of woe, either recited by the speaker (about himself, his family, and his wife’s former dead husband) or in customer testimony provided by rather good-looking actors. After which he put an impressive and well crafted scare into everyone by telling us about some poor souls who were not customers; having an insurance company withdraw money from a man’s savings account without consent, with another having a lien placed on his farm before having to eventually sell it.

This was all followed by the enumeration of all the other benefits, which includes but are not limited to: Hospital Private Room Upgrade, Organ Recipient Transportation, Grandchildren and Great Grandchildren Protection, Pet Return Transportation, Worldwide Vehicle & RV Return, etc. etc., etc. It left my head spinning as in order to cover all of the benefits, he talked so fast that it would be impossible for anyone to understand them all . . . A rapidity of words and sounds that’d make a New Yorker proud.

Some other presentation details:

1. All this for only one $6,400 payment, that gets you and your spouse lifetime coverage ($5,200 for a lifetime single plan): The single plan was only 20% cheaper, which, while not making economic sense, perhaps makes marketing sense.
2. For the lifetime plan, you and your spouse must be over 50 years old:[1]Which also doesn’t seem fair, as every day past 50, a payee is that much less likely to travel and that much more likely to not survive an accident requiring an ambulance.
3. If you sign up immediately, you could save $600! This gave off a used car salesman vibe, which to some might be a deal-breaker.
4. They offered four different meal options: As I’ve made it a rule to only get steak at these events (I don’t want to get gyped), I went with the three steak medallions (topped with Parmesan, horseradish, and blue cheese), whipped potatoes, and perfectly cooked asparagus with a choice of Coke products: Delicious. In many cases, I always wonder about the reputation harm a restaurant faces when delivering an economical meal to attendees. Not this time as the Cooper’s Hawk Winery & Restaurant did such a fine job, I’d gladly eat a free steak there again.
5. MASA is not an insurance company, though it does provide insurance-like coverage: Not sure whether this is good or bad. I guess a downside is that you can’t file a complaint with an insurance commissioner, but then again, I’m not sure how much value there is in being able to do that in Missouri (now in Massachusetts, on the other hand . . . ).
6. They don’t pay for any costs directly related to health care (doctors, hospitals, drugs, etc.).
7. Air ambulances are so ridiculously expensive because they are now owned by private equity, and due to air travel deregulation, they can charge however much they want: He did fail to mention that Masa is owned by private equity (on an outfit ominously called Genstar Capital). It made me realize that when it comes to ambulance services, private equity will get you one way or another.
8. The company has a 23% profit margin, so high in fact that he had spoken with Warren Buffett about him purchasing it: Which to some may indicate the company’s credit-worthiness, but to others may indicate the company could slightly reduce their premiums.
9. I couldn’t take the blank order form with me when I left because it contained proprietary information: After hearing this, I slipped the brochure in my drawers just in case.

The speaker mentioned to me that 20 of the 25 attendees signed up in the morning session, and from what I could see, he was getting similar results at the one I was attending. The woman at my table signed up so fast, I thought she must have been a ringer, though her promptness might have been lubricated by the second glass of wine that she purchased @ 3:34 pm.

My wife gave our presenter the bad news without even conferring with me, as after 23 years of marriage, she can finally read my mind when it comes to four-figure sales solicitations. Although the premium, especially for two, seemed quite fair, prior to the start of the presentation, I had only a slight understanding of the topic and therefore had no way to know if I really needed coverage, what exactly was covered, or if it was all worth it. As Sam in the movie Ronin said after refusing to be ambushed under the Pont Alexandre III, “Whenever there is any doubt, there is no doubt.”

In the end, I decided not to purchase coverage, as I plan on self-insuring and driving much more cautiously. . . at least for the next few days. After the show was over, I spoke with an attendee who also didn’t bite, though before I could congratulate this kindred spirit, he said he planned to in the near future, as he was currently tight on cash. I didn’t know whether I should shake his hand or cry.

Does anyone have this or similar coverage? What am I missing? Am I the only person who thinks it’s crazy to pay $5,800 without doing any research?

“But wait, there’s more! . . . Set it, and forget it! . . . Call now and get [insert bargain] . . . “

– Ron Popeil

[1] There were also monthly and yearly plans which enable those under 50 to be insured, I mean, be members.