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I RECENTLY HAD THREE retired men visit my psychology practice, each grappling with depression. Just as women face special challenges during their senior years, so too do their husbands, fathers and male friends.
Who hasn’t been seduced by those syrupy commercials where an elderly couple hold hands while walking a sun-kissed beach? Retirement is advertised as a magic carpet transporting us to a well-earned destination of meaning and frolic. But the reality is more complicated. Aging and illness can leave a hoped-for blissful retirement instead fraught with peril and disappointment.
My three clients felt betrayed and unprepared for retirement’s melancholy side. They were unanchored, in physical retreat and isolated without the social skills needed to nurture relationships. They’re in grief, mourning the loss of who they were and smarting at the limits that old age imposes.
Maybe you’re one of the fortunate few for whom retirement is unambiguously rich in renewal and self-regard. But for those of us too trusting or caught unawares, retirement often leaves a bittersweet mix of fulfillment and despair. Perhaps you or your loved ones have been blindsided by the ravages of aging that stalk our senior years.
Inspired by the experiences of my patients, I’d like to illustrate several of the hurdles men encounter while navigating their retirement years. All three men were treated by me, and I referred them for evaluation for possible medication. The details of their psychotherapy have been substantially modified to protect their identity.
Gary was a successful restaurateur who handed over daily operations to his daughter. He remained as a consultant, hoping that would ease his transition to a more balanced life. But that arrangement soon proved insufficient. Gary experienced a profound loss of purpose. He felt little reason to start the day and struggled to get out of bed.
Gary was skilled at home repairs, so I encouraged him to find projects around the house to inject meaning into his life and to rebuild his self-esteem. He started to lay new tile in his master bathroom, but has so far been unable to complete the job. Depression, and the resulting low energy, can lead to difficulty with task completion, further exacerbating a patient’s self-criticism.
In retirement, men’s sense of prestige and well-being hinges on their money savvy, just as it did during their working years. Problem is, once they give up their paycheck, they can no longer claim the provider role. On top of that, an often younger, still-employed wife may now be the breadwinner, which can be another ego blow. But perhaps the most corrosive yet utterly preventable damage occurred years earlier: While in the workforce, they failed to live below their means and invest the difference wisely, so now they don’t have enough for a financially comfortable retirement.
Harold and his wife Ginger are in this predicament. She abandoned a promising teaching career to raise her two kids, leaving Harold to earn the wherewithal to cover the family’s living costs and save for retirement. He handled the support part well, but muffed on saving and investing. Ginger has been understanding of her husband’s financial oversights, but there’s been a price to pay. Because they didn’t save enough for retirement, they plan to supplement their Social Security benefits and savings with part-time jobs at an auto garage and bookstore, reflecting their respective interests in cars and reading.
Health care surprises can be devastating psychologically as well as physically. Whether chronic or acute, debilitating or temporary, medical events’ emotional aftermaths aren’t unique to men. Still, masculinity doubts are our exclusive domain. Yes, societal expectations can have a pernicious effect on women. But we would be remiss to neglect their contribution to depression among male retirees.
A virile man is an active man, and aging takes a toll on our physical capabilities. One afternoon, Paul came into my office unusually agitated. His bad back had prevented him from finishing his morning walk to a coffee shop, something that had been part of his and his wife Julie’s routine ever since he retired six years ago. Julie was particularly upset about Paul’s inability to accompany her because their walks had become a way to have quality time together. As an alternative, I suggested weekly picnic lunches in the park. Both products of California, Paul and Julie were also enthusiastic about joining a yoga class to gently exercise Paul’s weak back.
But Paul’s setback had deeper repercussions. He began to ruminate about his father’s early demise at age 49, and the inevitability of his own physical and mental decline. He was haunted by his lack of control over the finality of death. Even when elderly, men are expected to be strong and stoic as they near the end. Paul was open to my suggestion to share his fears with his pastor and to familiarize himself with the soothing spirituality of Eastern religions.
Let’s face it, we men are social Neanderthals. Most of us have relied on our partners to bring people into our life. We make a few friends at the job, but we’re socially adrift after leaving the workplace. How many of us call friends just to chat? Many men only sparingly allow themselves to be vulnerable enough to initiate new friendships or even maintain longstanding ones. Are you willing to keep up a friendship when you always have to be the pursuer?
To be sure, our life’s last chapter can be a time of expanding horizons and gratifying intimacy with family and friends. But retirement also necessarily portends trouble and travail, and it challenges us to achieve peace with ourselves and our susceptibility to aging’s relentless march.
Steve Abramowitz is a psychologist in Sacramento, California. Earlier in his career, Steve was a university professor, including serving as research director for the psychiatry department at the University of California, Davis. He also ran his own investment advisory firm. Check out Steve’s earlier articles.
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Steve…
I retired January 5th, 2024. Why? It was time.
My father, a career soldier and a man who reached his life long goal of retiring as the CSM of US Army Special Forces said,”If you don’t respect the person you are working for you have to respect yourself enough to find a new employer.
Over the past 2-3 years, I was working for an institution that was overly focused on “DEI,” and Social Justice initiatives, to the detriment of our primary mission, educating financial professionals. Because I have always been quite conservative in my personal and professional life, I found this over concentration on matters unrelated to the mission of training financial professionals to fall under my father’s definition of respecting myself enough to make a change.
As you know, from your background in academia, the opportunities for a white, 73 year old, conservative, male faculty member, regardless of his credentials, are quite limited. This being the case, I simply decided that I would retire, rather than be associated with the demise of my institution. I hope I am wrong and I hope that changes will come in the areas where I feel they are most needed, and the college will once again find its way. When and if it does, I will once again support my institution financially. Until then, I am rerouting my giving to other institutions what have shared values.
That brings me to your articles main points, being ready for the realities of retirement.
I have redirected my efforts on improving my health, in order to be able to enjoy my retirement years. I actually began these efforts shortly after giving my notice to the college, back in July of 2023. Since last August I have lost 52 pounds and 5 weeks ago I began going to the gym every other day.
Both my wife and I will be having minor surgeries in March, and beginning in April, we will begin traveling. To The Villages in Florida in April, for a lifestyle visit, to Branson, MO in May, for fun, to Western PA in June, to evaluate PA as a retirement option. In July & August, we will spend some time at the beach in NC, evaluating beach living as a permanent option. (Not really my hot button, but definitely my wife’s.) In the Fall, we will visit OK and TX, where we lived for almost 25 years in the 80’s and 90’s. And in the holiday season, we plan to gather with our two adult children and their spouses either at a beach or somewhere fun, like Las Vegas.
And while doing all this, I hope to be laying some ground work to find ways to serve others with my financial knowledge and background, on a pro bono basis. In addition, I have decided to visit a few old friends from my youth and make some new ones, by joining and actively participating in activities of the VFW and American Legion. (I am a Viet Nam Vet.)
I have often wondered if I would benefit from therapy, since I tend to be one of those people that derives joy mainly from giving and doing for others vs. for myself, but is that really such a bad thing?
Only in my 2nd month of retirement, all I can say is so far, so good.
Thanks for a great article!
“ Paul came into my office unusually agitated. His bad back had prevented him from finishing his morning walk to a coffee shop, something that had been part of his and his wife Julie’s routine ever since he retired six years ago. As an alternative, I suggested weekly picnic lunches in the park.”
Obviously stories are abbreviated to fit in the column and to protect privacy, but I hope you also urged him to have a complete physical if he had not had his problem evaluated. Back pain is common but you don’t want to miss a case in which physical therapy can provide improvement. Teaching hospitals such as UC Davis have comprehensive back care clinics.